If you're gonna dress like a whore, I'm gonna think you are one, capice? (2296 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.94 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (View user info) at 2005-03-31 08:54:03 EST
Not sure quite why I worded the title like that, as I've never actually managed to be sober enough say capice (pron. ca-pish) in proper context, because I'd only find it funny when I'm drunk, but still, woohoo for me for getting it in there (not the first time I've said that. BAM!).
Anyway, enough retarded babbling. Well not quite, because there is the actual post. And there is a strong chance I am a bit drunk, so if my spelling and grammer are perfect, that's why. Also this is a bit long too, because I can't be bothered to think of ways to shorten it.
For a short while last year I lived away from home, as I've mentioned numerous time throughout my uberlife. And so from a shitty little village to a shitty little city was quite a step. Well it wasn't quite that big of a step, but it was good to be out in town and know you were only five minutes from home.
And I would typically go out most Friday nights. Weirdly I wouldn't go into anywhere, but I'd more go to the chicken place, get some feeds and then sit outside and just wait around.
I'm not the sort of guy who gets hit on. That isn't selfloathing or putting myself down for sympathy or anything, it's just a fact. I'm not a very welcoming or approachable person, but that works out fine, because most people in the city are munters with stronger jawlines than the Russian gym team, so it's also a lucky escape.
So what went wrong this particular night I have no idea. I could feel my attitude was different because it was the end of a bad week, so maybe that was it.
I didn't realise that about my attitude until I was on my way into town. I'm not a goth/emo/twat or anything, but I do wear a lot of black. Not sure why, but I think it's cuz I'm colour blind and it's a safe colour. Plus black goes with everything. Including black.
So there I was in full black walking past a group of people, when some guy got in my way and began looking me up and down and laughing.
"Hey, guys. Darth Vadar's here..." He said in drunked sprawl and started laughing again.
"Very funny." I said, followed less than an instant later by a hard punch directly into the sack.
The guy just fell down holding his nuts. I'm a not proud person and have no problems with bashing someones crackers in if they piss me off. What can I say, I'm dirty little bastard of a fighter.
So anyway, Bruise Ball drops down and I carry on walking. Strangly no-one comes after me which I was a bit upset about. After that I was feeling invincible and would gladly bash more bollocks and even twist if I had an extra second.
I guess everyone was just a bit thrown by the random act of violence. Townies gotta learn. I think I just invented a new bumber sticker. Cool.
Few seconds later I was at my chicken place and a few minutes after I was sat on a bench by the taxi rank eating my chicken and chips.
Just as I finished a girl walked over towards the bench and just stood next to me, looking down at me. I would say she was smiling at me, but her cheeks were in the way and I couldn't see her mouth.
She dressed like a slut on wash day. It was disgusting. A skirt that would be miles to long on average hips, but she managed to stretch it out to about crotch length. Not the sorta thing you want to see after eating half a fried farm animal.
"You alright?" A voice echoed out from the chasm of cheek just beneath the two wells that I assume were nostrils.
"Yeah, just imagining Jack..." And I trailed off. This was a big mistake. I was gonna say Jack and Jill walking over your face to get their pail of water, but stopped. What I think she thought I was gonna say was jacking off to your body.
"Oh yeah?" She said, as the make-up one of her eyelids seemed to finally weigh it down in an wink. "Looking for a good time then?"
This was the most cliched line for whores that I thought it must be true. But alas, like "Play it again, Sam." it's not actually spoken by those to whom it's accredited. Not that I knew that then. I just thought "SICK! A fat ugly prossi wants my business. Tact, tact, tact."
"Sorry. I'm not into that sort of thing." Yet another misunderstanding.
"Oh you're gay?"
"Fuck no. I like women. Just not your sort." How the hell else can you say "I don't like you whores and never plan on using you?". But another misunderstanding.
"What the fuck?" Hand on hip, other hand wagging and steak/finger at me. "You think you so much better. You can't handle all this lady right here. Fuck, little boy I show you better time than you ever thought possible. I know how to use all this body to make yours hot. But you lose out now bitch." And with that she raised a hand and turned her nose. I couldn't believe. I was getting high pressure sales from a hooker.
"Listen, skank." I said, getting really pissed off instantly. "I just don't use whores. Now fuck off and make your sale somewhere else."
"What the FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?" The world shook as this bitch turned into Thor. Thunder escaped her thighs as she stepped towards me.
Shit. Now I was in it. Offending a fat prostitue I can handle. They aren't real people and can't afford for me to blacken their eyes or a few nights lost business.
But offending a plan fat chick? Shit, that was different. If experience has taught me right she'll have a crew of four other fat chicks, all of whom have big bruiser boyfriends with more gold than a Mr T. tribute gathering, most of which would be wrapped around the hands they were gonna hit me with.
So do I beg?
Do I run?
Do I do anything sensible and try to afford World War 3 and her mates?
Nope. I just laugh.
"What the fuck you laughing at, little boy?"
"It's just funny. You dress like a complete whore, and then get offended when people think you are one."
SMACK
Bitch clobbered me hard around the side of the face. Fists the size of mini-buses hurt almost as much, but luckily she couldn't heave them around too fast.
Needless to say though, I was in agony but still finding it funny. So I carried on laughing.
SMACK
Bitch hit me again, but this time on top of my head.
This caused me to snort a bit and then phelm flew out of my mouth and landed directly on her thigh.
What's the result when you mix two disgusting things? Well apparantly it's a funny thing because I reached hysterical point.
I really don't know what it is about violence that makes me laugh, but it tends to work for me.
"You can wipe that off, right this fucking second." Boomed the God of Fat stood near me.
She was deadly serious and I had the horrible feeling the next punch might be slightly more motivated, and so faster and more painful.
I slowly reached out to wipe my rejected green from her leg, and then I saw it quivering. Nothing was happening and the girl hadn't stepped in a little while, and still the leg quivered.
There was no way I was touching it.
"Fat chance." I said leaning back again, and burst into more laughter.
Infuriated she took a swing directly at my face. And I mean directly. This would have been square on, middle of the face. Broken nose and missing eye balls.
I dodged.
She hit the wall.
She wailed like a banshee.
Taking my que I sprinted as fast as I fucking could.
She spun around and threw her handbag at my legs causing me to trip.
"Get in, buddy." I looked up and saw one of the cabbies. He had the door open and was hurrying me into his car.
Turns out he'd been watching the whole thing and finding it just as funny. And he was helping me escape.
For all existing and future taxi drivers, this is the best way to get a £5 tip.
User Reviews
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2007-01-01 19:47:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This deserved to make it on Uber's greatest posts.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-01 12:40:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nominated for best ever
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88623
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-01 11:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-04-01 10:19:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-03-31 11:43:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-03-31 11:14:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't believe you. But I laughed hard.
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You got me. She didn't really turn into Thor
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sorry, ^ THAT bit was funny
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-04-01 06:34:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-03-31 11:43:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-03-31 11:14:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't believe you. But I laughed hard.
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hooray for this ^
hooray for being a funny brit
hooray for clubbing a townie
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-04-01 06:02:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-01 04:20:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
yes you can never beat a pom for good humour,great story man.
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In my experience that's how good humour comes about
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2005-04-01 04:27:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe. Drunk or not, you had me laughing.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-01 04:20:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes you can never beat a pom for good humour,great story man.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-04-01 04:15:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great. +2 and what not.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-01 04:02:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So Plus Two
So little time.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-04-01 03:34:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw man. That's absolutely fantastic.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-04-01 03:17:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-31 22:14:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have read a couple of your posts, and have concluded that you are a funny rat-bastard. It's entertaining to me that your every story involves some sort of "misunderstanding" that leads to violence and you and your mate running away.
That's the life. I think I should like to visit your corner of the world.
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Don't want to ruin such a cool illusion of my life, but unfortunatly it's a few days of 21 years of life
Submitted by XII (user info) at 2005-04-01 01:16:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2005-03-31 22:15:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm a not proud person and have no problems with bashing someones crackers in if they piss me off. What can I say, I'm dirty little bastard of a fighter"
Heh
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-31 22:14:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have read a couple of your posts, and have concluded that you are a funny rat-bastard. It's entertaining to me that your every story involves some sort of "misunderstanding" that leads to violence and you and your mate running away.
That's the life. I think I should like to visit your corner of the world.
Submitted by Ranx05 (user info) at 2005-03-31 17:38:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's spelled "capisci?"
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-31 17:14:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
horrowshow tolchocking, my little droog
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-31 15:43:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fat chance." I said leaning back again, and burst into more laughter.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
<SNORT>
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-03-31 15:35:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
entertaining.
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2005-03-31 15:24:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fat chance."
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-31 15:22:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-31 09:42:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Now this was pretty damned funny.
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What he said.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-31 14:56:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I usually don't dig anti-fatty posts, but I think it's possible that you might have treated a skinny whore the same way. So +2 for you.
Submitted by Nie_ein_Engel (user info) at 2005-03-31 13:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bah, i didn't mean to rate twice. have another +2 because i'm a dumbass.
Submitted by Nie_ein_Engel (user info) at 2005-03-31 13:26:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You alright?" A voice echoed out from the chasm of cheek just beneath the two wells that I assume were nostrils.
that line is "gold" as you guys seem to say around here. i'm hip.
Submitted by Nie_ein_Engel (user info) at 2005-03-31 13:26:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You alright?" A voice echoed out from the chasm of cheek just beneath the two wells that I assume were nostrils.
that line is "gold" as you guys seem to say around here. : )
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-31 13:08:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was by far the funniest thing I've read in quite some time.
Excellent.
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-03-31 13:05:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fat chicks are funny, good one!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-31 12:46:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too sleepy to comment. Just pretend there's something funny in this spot.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-31 12:11:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shoulda rolled the fat bitch in flower and aimed for the wetspot.
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-03-31 12:02:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Josephine (user info) at 2005-03-31 11:58:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with the title, and the post was hilarious.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-03-31 11:43:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-03-31 11:14:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't believe you. But I laughed hard.
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You got me. She didn't really turn into Thor
Submitted by lethron (user info) at 2005-03-31 11:40:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
amen
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-03-31 11:30:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny shit
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-03-31 11:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck me if I don't love British humour.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-03-31 11:14:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't believe you. But I laughed hard.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-03-31 10:58:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
true true
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2005-03-31 10:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hobbs (user info) at 2005-03-31 10:48:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking sweet!
Submitted by Squijee (user info) at 2005-03-31 09:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have knocked her back using the force.
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2005-03-31 09:54:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-31 09:42:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now this was pretty damned funny.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-31 09:39:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, that's "Killing THEM Softly."
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-31 09:30:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by project_nessa (user info) at 2005-03-31 09:19:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gawd. Please go to my old high school...those fatties need this. It'll set 'em straight.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-31 09:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dave is the man. If you can find it over there, rent "Killing Me Softly," Dave Chappelle's HBO special, on DVD. It's hilarious.
"I snuck in the club nigga! Got that weed if you need me! Just pat her on the ass and I'll come out!" Sorry, got carried away.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-31 09:14:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A little bit of the ultra violence is the answer.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-03-31 09:10:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-31 09:07:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's like Dave Chappelle said - You might not be a whore, but you're wearing a whore's uniform. Mistakes can happen.
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Thanks for this. I can honestly say I've never seen or heard that before, but credit to him for that then
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-31 09:07:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's like Dave Chappelle said - You might not be a whore, but you're wearing a whore's uniform. Mistakes can happen.