Let Me Rephrase That... (889 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.62 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (View user info) at 2005-04-01 11:41:42 EST
I gotta stop drinking. Seriously. We all should.
Last night was the only weekend night (I know it was Thursday, but I start my weekends then) in the past six weekend nights that I did not hook up with a chick, or a horny slut. I did have some chances though.
You see, I've been in a sticky situation with a female colleague, sticky enough that I don't care to write about it, but trust me, it's a story to be told. Maybe one day, but not today.
So last night we hit the bars, and things seem out of place right out of the box. I went out with Jared (not the Jared of uber-fame) and Matt to Nappertandy's to unwind and have some drinks. We walk in the door, get a nice heavy pour from a bartender we know, and peruse the scene. The talent was scarce. Fearing defeat, we retreated to a more quiet area of the bar to engage in conversation. You gotta make your own fun, right?
Before I explain what happened next, I'll give you some pertinent information. In order to prep for the summer, I've been dieting a bit. I've managed to go from 207 to 188 or so, stripping off mainly a layer of fat. It has decreased my overall size, but I can still move the same amount of weight at the gym. Okay, back to the story.
We're standing there, having some laughs and trading stories (Jared and I are both in sticky situations with girls) when this skinny little gangsta kid shoves his way through us and yells "Get the fuck out of my way."
Now, I don't go out looking for fights. It's pointless; I'm out to have a good time.
This gangsta kid, honestly, couldn't have been more than 130 pounds at 5' 5" or so. His clothes hung off his body like they were on coat hangers. I looked at my watch: 12:01. I then look at the kid, and say "Oh, this is an April fool's joke. You must be kidding."
He looks me straight in the eye, and says "No joke, motha fucka, I'm pissed off."
Here's the thing, Jared and Matt, although smaller and shorter than me, are still twice this punk's size. So, I stared the kid down, smiling. He was clearly wasted. In my head, I'm thinking, "What the fuck is going on? Have I lost so much weight that I have not a shred of intimidation left? This kid's gotta be a crazy martial arts fighter or something."
Then out of the blue, the kid starts apologizing and giving me a sob story about his girlfriend leaving him, and he extends his hand for me to shake it. I mean it was a complete turn around. He was acting all hard, and boom, out of nowhere, he's crying. I just don't get it.
Moving on, we start talking to a pair of chickies, one of which has the biggest natural breasts I think I've ever seen on a skinny girl, except she's married. Her friend takes a liking to Jared. And then, fight number two was started.
Some drunk douche bag starts dancing with the married chick, but he's being a bit inappropriate. The married chick tries to get away, but drunk man is persistent. Jared does his best to rid her of him, and naturally drunk man starts flexing his beer muscles and all of a sudden, Jared and I are shoving like four guys around on the dance floor. It's truly amazing how fast this stupid shit happens.
An emcee from Boston by the name of 7L has the perfect lyrics to sum up what happened next:
"If you're in a fight but don't really wanna scrap
But act like you want it when the bouncer holds you back
You're a herb"
The bouncers come in and the four guys, who were pussying out moments ago, are now hyping it like they want something. Jared and I stood attentively, just waiting for some shit to go down. And you know what? The shit bags were apologizing to us like an hour later when the bouncers walked away. Bitches.
As a sidebar, at one point we left to go to this other bar, Viper, but right when we pulled into the lot, 10 cop cars rolled up and busted in to raid the joint. I guess it was an 18 and over for girls last night and they wanted to catch them with fakes. It was great, 17 year old girls running around left and right. The cops were chasing them around the parking lot, and they were screaming their heads off. We got a good laugh and proceeded back to Napper's.
When we arrived back, married chick is now drunk and her friend gets ALL up in Jared's shit. Then, I spot this gorgeous little blonde chick across the room, and what's this? I know the girl she's with! She is a cousin of a friend of mine from high school. So I'm thinking "perfect, I'll go say hi to Kelly, she'll introduce me to her friend, and it's on."
Au contraire! Kelly is wasted, and apparently, looking to hook up. Why? Because her cute blonde friend is a slut and she's already been planning to fuck this guy in the parking lot in his truck. Kelly told me this within minutes of introducing me to her. Sure enough, hot blonde chick starts making out with some goofy looking bastard, and they retreat to the parking lot. "There she goes! I can't believe she's getting laid!" Kelly said.
Kelly is ugly. Flat-out, there is nothing attractive about her. I've known her since high school, so at first I thought it would be safe to talk to her. Bad idea. Now she's grinding on my shit. I stuck around for maybe two minutes and Matt walked over. I excused myself to the bathroom, thinking he'd follow, but unfortunately Kelly dragged him in when I retreated. The poor guy, he really took one for the team.
To cap off the night, we headed to the diner, where an extremely wasted Jared stumbled up the stairs and stumbled over his words. "Yo, did you see that chick? She totally had her dick in my mouth." Naturally, after a five minute bout of laughter, he regained his composure, and attempted a rephrase. "What I meant to say was, did you see that girl? She had her, uh, my mouth, and her dick, it was in there."
He ordered a giant stack of pancakes and passed out face first in them, just after he coated them with syrup. We picked his head up, rested it on the cold table, and had the waitress wrap them up to go. It was a pretty good night, but I'm paying for it dearly now. They just don't make Advil strong enough for this kind of headache.
User Reviews
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2005-04-02 18:36:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Have I lost so much weight that I have not a shred of intimidation left?"
dude are you like 15?
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-04-01 14:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Tim,
Oh my god PLEASE wear that shirt out on LI. I bet I can get you laid in that shirt. Sweet.
-Gig
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-04-01 14:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
its all about weekday drinking... I haven't had a night off in about 3 weeks. That's the problem about playing hockey, you always have to have a (5) beer(s) after...
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-04-01 13:56:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nicely done. i can't drink on weekdays anymore. my body just can't handle being up late and getting wasted then being productive at work.
hope you don't mind if i wear this out on LI this summer: http://www.cafepress.com/teetastic.11169474
best teeshirt of all time.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-04-01 13:50:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The hot chick I am hooking up with at work just SO pranked me for April fool's. I fell for the old "What happened to your car? How'd you get that dent?" trick.
I'm getting her back though. I'm going to tell her later that her boss knows about us. HAHA!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-01 13:37:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahh, I wish I do could do that stuff again
Submitted by Conform (user info) at 2005-04-01 13:32:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-01 13:24:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This story is making me think I don't drink enough anymore.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-04-01 13:15:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh come on! Swingers! At the end.
Come on, you got it. Right guys? Right?
Anyone?
Anyone?
anyone?
Beuller?
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-04-01 12:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At what point did you climb up on the table and start yelling that, "he's all growds up, he's all growds up?"
Submitted by The_Fan (user info) at 2005-04-01 12:11:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-01 11:58:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Is this an April Fools joke?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-01 11:57:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-04-01 11:52:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah Good times. Good times.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-04-01 11:49:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My life used to be just like your life...then I got old and boring.
Thanks for the trip down memory lane!
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-04-01 11:48:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, we live the same lives, but in different worlds... you summed up my night last night pretty well. though, I only got in one brouhaha, which was deflated by intimidation...
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-04-01 11:47:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
two words for your opening statement: FUCK and NO
nicely done otherwise