Mini Skirts, Bitchy Mothers, and $900 at Home Depot- the Myrtle Beach Story (2145 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: -0.71 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Methodius (View user info) at 2005-04-01 22:10:05 EST
Evening.
I'm here to tell my story. This is the story of my spring break, of which i returned merely 5 hours ago. This story is bullshit-proof in it's entirety- 100% real. Some sotries on uber are fake for humor, and that's alright, but this is pure. This is my spring break.
At first I didn't really want to go. Of course, the fatherhood probably wouldn't see it my way, so what the hell. Might as well go for it. We were to leave early Monday morning and return Friday morning. It's exactly how it went- no car wrecks, no setbacks, nothing. However, there were numerous times in between in which i couldn't help but roll my eyes and bust ass laughing.
We left Monday morning and i was jamming to my tunes in the car (what the hell else do you do on a 5-1/2 hour drive? Crossword puzzles are for faggots). It dawned upon me after we breached North Carolina that everyone must not give a shit about their driving skills. We were behind a tractor trailer that went of the road numerous times and splashed mud on our car. Of course, this would mean we would press the button in the car to clean the winshield, right? Nope. We're out of cleaner fluid. So now we have to drive 30 fucking miles with a fucked up window until we reach a gas stop. You know what? Alright. That's cool. What follows makes up for it.
After "paying the water bill" in the restroom, I walked out to find a gorgeous M-I-L-F, probably in her 30's. What shocked me was that this broad was wearing a pink mini skirt that was only 5 inches tall, at tops. I'm sure you can guess what comes next.
That's right. She goes to put something in the trunk of her car and her entire ass pops out of her skirt. No panties, just a pure Milf's ass and a slight peek of lips. Not too shabby for someone with an ugly kid (Her kid was about 5-foot-4, 300 pounds. He had long hair and a piece of hair in the front that stood straight up and was dyed blonde. Must've been adopted).
Anyways, we end up reaching Myrtle Beach a few hours later (after missing a car wreck every 25 miles), and go to the hotel we had planned on staying in. It was said to be a decent hotel with great oceanfront rooms. However, when we got there, everything fell apart.
We walked in. The owner was an old 60 year old bitch. Bad news. No way was I going to be patrolled the entire weekend by some old whore. But hey, I let it slip by and things were cool... or so I hoped. We get our keys and go to the elevator with our stuff.
-20 minutes later-
The elevator comes only for us to be awakened to all the buttons pressed. We were on the top floor of 10, and buttons 6-10 were pressed. buttons 5-1 were the 20 minutes of my life wasted. Not to mention it was a bunch of punk asses who came down the stairs who ran out giggling like a girl with a tickly vagina. Irked, I pray for the best, though I know it's hopeless.
We step off the elevator. Halls wreak of urine. We step in the room only to find that the beds were shot to hell nd semen stains everywhere. Not to mention the ultimate pissoff- a TV that did not have the color hookups for my PS2. Motherfuckers... I'm out of here. So we call up the credit card company and have the hotel payments cancelled. We leave.
We end up deciding to stay at a place called Forest Dunes, a great hotel, in which I stayed at the first 10 years of my life. Great hotel for vacations. If you're ever in myrtle beach, go there. Anyways, we get a room (thank God there was vacancy) and get up there. Things start looking up now. Methodius is very happy.
I decide to take a little swim. Upod entering the pool, a group of people my age get in as well, composed of 4 guys and 2 girls. The two girls, after discussing pool plans with the guys, decide to play chickenfight and get on two of the guys' shoulders. However, one of them had a little problem with the other.
"This is payback for what you did to me, bitch!"
Upon the word "bitch," the slaphappy gorgeous one rips the top off the other one. Now I don't care what anyone says. "It's just a tittie." If you're reading this and you're thinking that.. shutup. I didn't drive 5-1/2 hours to not see any boobies, at least.
The day goes great, and then I decide to do something I've always loved- I decide to stay in the lobby of the hotel and watch society- there is no place better to see it. It's at it's greatest form in the lobby of a hotel. Here's the proof.
Two gorgeous chicks walk in the hotel. GORGEOUS. They have their stuff and they go to their room on the 17th floor. That's cool, IMO. I love being high up. However, about 15 minutes later, they come back down, one of them crying her eyes out. By God, she's afraid of heights. Here's some of the quotes from her mouth because she is a drama queen.
"All they have is a fucking rail! It's so dangerous!"
"How can they call this oceanfront if there's a road in front of it?!?!"
"I do not feel safe here! This hotel sucks!"
**Intervention- I must remind you that this is totally, 100% true. I would never lie about something so great, expecially since I'm working on a stand up routine- this is golden for me.
Speaking of stand-up comedy, lets move on to our next interesting point. I got to go to a comedy club the next night, and boy was it righteous. The comics were great, but the 2 old bitches in the front seats were even greater humor. They kept interrupting through the entire show because one of them got to go on stage for the first act, which unfortunately, had to be a hands-on magician/comedian. Just what we need for a drunk old woman. After the magician goes away, a man by the name of Greg Lausch comes on stage. He was the best comic they had to offer, because he had to put up with those bitches on stage the entire time- and he did it well. They never got his jokes about masturbation and phone sex, so explaining it to them was something he perfected. Eventually, the guy lost 45 minutes of his 1 hour act just fooling with these old whores. Part of it was just repeating the same thing over and over-
"I'm a librarian and she's a hairdresser!!!!"
It's a long story behind it, but because they were drunk out of their minds, they thought it was bust-ass hilarious. So, if you ever hear about Greg Lausch doing jokes about a hairdresser and a librarian, remember- I was there. He's not joking. It was classic.
Then, the main act came on, which was Joe Morrison. He was decent, but not Greg Lausch funny. What made me really laugh was how he told the most drunk of the two ladies to stand up, bend over, and wait for the fingerpoke. She actually began to stand up and bend over. It was at that point her husband pulled her down and Joe said,
"Alright ma'am, you need to sit down."
Big mistake. She got pissed off and said,
"No! You can't make me sit down!"
It was at this point the owner of the place got pissed off and told her ot shut the fuck up. A classic moment, and I will never forget it.
The following day, I was hanging out with this guy and two chicks I met. The two chicks were gorgeous. Bone-out-loud gorgeous. We chilled for the day, but eventually, I had to go. I would later catch up with them in the pool where all was silent. One of the girls' mother started yelling at the other one, saying something along these lines-
"What did you guys do wrong? Well, Paige, you sat on that boy's lap. Is that appropriate? Do you think your dad would approve? Sitting on his lap and swinging on the swing."
OK, what the hell. Yelling at her daughter for sitting on a guy's lap? I mean, It's not like they were fucking. Anyways, the one girl's mother made it clear that she wouldnn't let them out of her sight anymore. So, she got out of the pool and started to run up the 18 flights of stairs. I went too, but once I reached my floor, I was like 'Fuck it.'
What is really amazing is that her mother ran up the stairs too, and stopped on my floor, right in front of me! Of course, being the peacemaker I am, I try to settle things. Remember- Paige is not her daughter, and Katelyn was. Paige is Katelyn's friend. Blah Blah Blah. I said-
"Katelyn's really upset because she thinks you're lashing out at her even though she didn't do anything. I think that maybe if you tried letting her know that you're not mad at her you might not make her feel so bad."
She responded.
"My daughter is such a drama queen. She's manipulating everyone. She manipulated that boy, you, Paige- everyone. One day, when you're an adult and have a daughter and see her on a boy's lap you'll think about the old hag from Forest Dunes and say 'Hey, she was right.'"
It was at that point she walked away, wanting the last word. Old bitch. Oh well. At least my vacation wasn't ruined- just Katelyn and Paige's.
Pretty much the only other thing that happened big on my vacation was that the boy that Paige sat on... well... his mother's purse got stolen at a miniature golf course. What a twat. She left the doors unlocked and her purse in the window. I don't think I need to comment. She must've somehow been affiliated with the two old drunken ladies from the Comedy Cabana. Anyways, within hours, $900 of money was ran up on her credit card, all from Home Depot.
Hold on a second. I really don't see how you spend $900 in Home Depot, that is, unless you're Bob Not-Worth-A-Fuck Villa. Anyways, I just found that humorous, as people's own ignorance kills them off sometimes.
Well, I've told the highlights of my vacation, and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did living it out. Peace out bitches.
Methodius
PS- Strawberry Daquiri is the drink of Gods.
User Reviews
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-04-03 20:49:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm here to tell my story. This is the story of my spring break, of which i returned merely 5 hours ago. This story is bullshit-proof in it's entirety- 100% real. Some sotries on uber are fake for humor, and that's alright, but this is pure. This is my spring break
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This is the lamest spring break ever. You saw one pair of shits and didn't even get a blow job. To top off this fag fest you expressed love for a ghey drink.
You need to shut the fuck up and grow a set.
Submitted by Methodius (user info) at 2005-04-02 15:03:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
someone said-
"Holy shit your stand up is going to be soooo lame. "
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Swing and a miss.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-04-01 23:56:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Holy shit your stand up is going to be soooo lame.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-04-01 23:11:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What does it matter if a guy likes "girlie" drinks?
Lots of girls like "manly" drinks.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-01 23:08:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Daquiris?
You like chick drinks, you fucking skirt?
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-04-01 22:38:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
my spring break was much better
Submitted by Methodius (user info) at 2005-04-01 22:26:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Zack said-
"Meh. Could you have fucked Kaitlyn and Paige, or would that have gotten you arrested?"
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I was close, but in the end, the latter would've been the end result. Life's a real bitch sometimes, ain't it?
Submitted by Zackstersmackster (user info) at 2005-04-01 22:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh. Could you have fucked Kaitlyn and Paige, or would that have gotten you arrested?
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-04-01 22:13:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Teenage fantasies hurt my head.