In conversation with Gord, my imaginary therapist (1368 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.97 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve's House of Pancakes (View user info) at 2005-04-02 21:53:07 EST
Gord: How are you today Steve?
Steve: Do you want the truth or the lie?
Gord: Hm. What seems to be troubling you.
Steve: First off, fuck you. There I said it. You know I'm going to be thinking it the whole time, so I'm just going to say it now so we can have an honest conversation without that popping out of my mouth every ten seconds. You are a fucking prick and I hate you with the passion of a hundred suns.
Gord: I see. Now, what are your problems?
Steve: I'm going to kill Scott.
Gord: Now Steven, can you go over who Scott is again and then explain why you want to kill him.
Steve: You're not supposed to ask a two-pronged question. I could choose to answer one part and not the other. Where did you go to school? Fake therapists school for dicks? Faggot school for fucks? Did you learn this shit from a meth addict in the alley behind your apartment?
Gord: Steve, tone down the hostility. Why do you want to hurt Scott?
Steve: I didn't say hurt. I said kill. I work wit h that asshole and he's the most arrogant prick on the planet. Well, maybe after Ben Affleck and Randy Johnson. And President Bush. But fuck, Scott is in the top twenty, I swear. I'm going to break off his fingers and shove them up his ass.
Gord: Hm. Has he given you back your jumper cables yet?
Steve: No! I almost froze to death trying to jumpstart his car and that was almost two months ago! I'm going to strangle him with those jumper cables. On second thought, I'm going to clamp one end on his throat and attach the other to a power line. He's such a fucking asshole. I hope he gets AIDS and falls down a flight of stairs and into a pit of acid filled with spikes and electric eels. Then I want a fat chick to fall on him. Then I want a nuke to fall on him. But I want him to survive all that just so he can watch me cut off his hands and send him to Donovan McNabb's house wearing a shirt that says 'I hate Niggers.' Then McNabb would rip off his head, but he'd get AIDS too. That way Scott and McNabb would die and the Eagles would never win the Superbowl.
Gord: Hm. Why do you think you two have problems?
Steve: I'm smarter than he is and he resents that. I'm better at the job than he is and he resents that. I have nicer tits than he does and he hates me for that. I have a nicer haircut and...
Gord: Okay, can you think of some reasons that might actually be true and not made up in your head.
Steve: I fucked his mom and made his brothers watch. Then I hung the condom on the door to his room and shit on his carpet. I also broke his toys and he cried like a pussy. I also pissed on his Harry Potter book when he was reading it.
Gord: Steve, what did I say happens to liars?
Steve: They get cancer.
Gord: And do you want cancer?
Steve: No, sir.
Gord: Good. Now, let's forget about Scott for a while. Let's talk about your roommate.
Steve: I think I found her pubic hair on my toothbrush.
Gord: Hmm. How about that.
Steve: I don't know, man. She's a crazy chick. She talks about nothing and her fucking brother is always sleeping on her couch. Her boyfriend is an ugly motherfucker. And I hate her ugly face. She looks like a mole. Except she's uglier than a mole and has more body hair. I found her underwear on the couch the other day and took it to her room with a pair of tongs. I think she wears her thongs backwards. If she does, she better stop copying me....
Gord: Hmm. Do you have a girlfriend, Steven.
Steve: I will reach down your throat and pull out your heart if you bring that up again.
Gord: Steve, please take anatomy into consideration when you insult me.
Steve: Fine. I'll punch through your ribs and rip your heart out.
Gord: Much better.
Steve: I'm just bad with chicks. I'm a nice guy. I'm a handsome guy if you like guys who look like they're still in high school. I don't smell most of the time. I just have a problem communicating with some one who has boobies and doesn't look retarded. I have no problem talking to chicks who remind me of something a dog would throw up, but when a hot chick comes up to me I turn into a blubbering vagina. Then I leave slime all over the floor and they kick me out of the bar because vaginas aren't allowed in bars.
Gord: I see. Have you gone out recently.
Steve: I've gone out in my mind. Does that count?
Gord: I take that as a no. Steve, you know that the right person won't fall out of the sky and you can't let the people in your head keep you company the rest of your life. Maybe you should see a real therapist. You seem to have a lot of problems with relationships and controlling your emotions.
Steve: Nope. Not gonna do it.
Gord: Fine. Is there anything else you want to talk about.
Steve: I had a dream I was having sex with Detective Stabler from Law and Order: SVU....
Gord: I think you should shut the fuck up. Now.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-24 03:48:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, did he cum or what?!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-22 02:48:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you have 5 fucking posts on best ever.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-06-21 05:50:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now this is on best ever.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-04-11 17:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, this was great. Reminds me of some of my older dialogues I did with a waffle house chef back in the day.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-06 04:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a funny man.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-06 01:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesorific.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-05 08:15:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Where did you go to school? ....Faggot school for fucks?"
Nuff said.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-04 15:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
""Then I leave slime all over the floor and they kick me out of the bar because vaginas aren't allowed in bars. ""
And I thought my mind was warped.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-04 11:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-04-04 10:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stabler's hot.
This was great.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-04 04:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=110041835921889171#1245826
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-04 04:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no comment .
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-04 04:30:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What can a man say ,other than youv'e done it again man,extra super.
Submitted by Auron (user info) at 2005-04-04 04:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-04-04 01:38:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OH GOD THE HITS ARE BROKEN! OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!
*runs away*
*poops in a bucket in the corner*
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-04-03 20:30:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What a coincidence, I had a dream that I was having sex with Benson from SVU.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2005-04-03 12:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant
bush kicks ass
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-04-03 12:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Worth every point of this plus two. Which I consider to be 5 points on a scale of 1-5 if every post starts out as a -2 and works its way up from there.
...or would that be 4 points 'cause it took you 4 leaps to get from -2 to +2?
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-04-03 11:06:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Steve: I had a dream I was having sex with Detective Stabler from Law and Order: SVU...."
I have that dream ALL the time.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-04-03 10:51:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"What happens to liars"
"They get cancer"
"Do you want cancer?"
Priceless
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-04-03 01:59:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just like the name "Gord."
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-04-03 01:20:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
When I get home, I'm going to masturbate to my SVU dvds...
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2005-04-03 00:56:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Steve: I think I found her pubic hair on my toothbrush"
Gold
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-04-03 00:50:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This was a mixed bag of several other post ideas thrown together because I just couldn't make the other posts flow like I wanted to. I would start writing them and they'd just fall to pieces.
Sorry about the typos. I have to shrink my font on screen so that no one can read what I'm writing in Word. And I'm very, very paranoid.
Fucking Stabler won't stop staring at me! AHHHH
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-03 00:29:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where do you think this shit up steve? lol
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-03 00:24:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a 5-pronged comment:
1. This was well done.
2. There's a lot of shitty shit on the front page right now, so thanks for posting something good.
3. You have a way with comic dialogue.
4. Fuck, I don't remember what 4 and 5 were.
5. Hilarious shit, man. +2 live.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-04-03 00:17:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
= fuckign 2 for linkwhores
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-02 23:01:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Duke_Prometheus_III (user info) at 2005-04-02 22:57:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty awesome
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2005-04-02 22:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now this is what I like to see.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-04-02 22:51:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Stabler is giving me that sex kitten look in that picture. What a dirty slut....
Submitted by jeffjt (user info) at 2005-04-02 22:48:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i read every single word. each one was gold.