How Diana's Soused Chauffeur's Bitch Cousin Ruined My Life (an explanation of sorts to my dear Merlina) Part VI (732 hits)
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Submitted by Danger Ranger <harveyra.at.iprimus.com.au> (View user info) at 2005-04-03 04:47:14 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59308 - Part I
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59757 - Part II
http://www.ubersite.com/m/60745 - Part III
http://www.ubersite.com/m/63158 - Part IV
http://www.ubersite.com/m/63266 - Part V
"Har-har! Danger doesn't know what Half Life is. Hey Thorpe, who am I? 'Du-uuh... what's Half Life?' Bloody hell..."
"Williamson," Thorpe said in a quiet, measured tone, "it's 1997, of course he doesn't know what Half Life is."
"Fuckhead." said Hidden.
Harold turned to me, "I know what it is. I've PLAYED it, but I'm not very good... still can't get out of the train station..."
"Shut up Harold." Williamson snapped. "Half Life TWO, Motherfucker, is singularly THE most important and defining piece of pop culture the world has evar seen."
"I dunno, Williamson." said Hidden. "If you're talking about THE most definitive piece you're probably being a little presumptuous. I mean, it's a big call. What about Goatse... or Tubgirl?"
"Fuck off Hidden, you wanker. In 2003 we stole the code off a chap called Gabe Newell - he's the Developer's managing director. Pinched his laptop right from under his massive fucking nose. Thorpe, Hidden and I had taken the Jeep of Faith to Kirkland Washington for the weekend because Hidden said Kirkland girls were the easiest in the known universe and would even put out for a couple of virgins from the future..." Williamson paused. He sat in the back drumming his fingers on the rear of our seat and stared at the floor as if pondering some new revelation...
"Meh." he continued, "As it turns out, Hidden was the only one to get lucky. The next day the three of us were having breakfast at some trendy-arse, bohemian sidewalk café when who should walk by, but Hidden's easy Kirklandian and a male companion. So she says, 'Hi', see, and Hidden starts acting like a gentleman all of a sudden. 'Sit down', he says. 'Here, I'll get you some chairs - coffee?' Turns out that her companion is this Gabe Newell, and that they work together. They both have laptops with them in identical carry-cases, Gabe places his on the table, and she stashes hers underneath by her feet. Anyway, Gabe's favourite topic of conversation is Gabe so he starts waxing lyrical about how Half Life 2 is almost as wonderful as he is and how most of the game code is on his laptop. Pending a smidgen more beta testing the release date was now only weeks away. So Thorpe says, 'You say the game code is on that laptop?' 'Yes indeedy', replies Gabe as he pats the case. Thorpe then says, 'Yes, yes, indeed... I say, you'd want to keep a careful eye on it then'. 'Safe as houses', Gabe assures us, all the while patting the case and smiling like a simpleton. Meanwhile, Hidden's bitch excuses herself to go to the ladies. We and Gabe continue to gush and fawn over Gabe and then all of a sudden Thorpe, sitting opposite Gabe, yells, 'AAAARRRGH!! The Combine!!' Gabe completely fucking freaks out and turns and cowers behind his chair. Hidden casually reaches down, picks up the slut's laptop, and calm as you like performs the switcheroo. Thorpe rises out of his chair and says, 'Ahh, we gotta go now Gabe'. 'Yes, yes, good idea', says Gabe. 'Find Gordon Freeman - GO!!', and we left. Popular myth has it that we hacked his email account, because the fuckwit was using Outlook, but this was just a smokescreen to cover up what really happened, 'cause then ol' Gabby would have to admit to believing The Combine were real."
Eyes still closed with head resting against the seat, I pinched the bridge of my nose with thumb and forefinger. "As opposed to time-machines."
"Gob Job I can't fucking believe you think this prick is the next Che Guevara. He is the most cynical, condescending arsehole I have ever met. How about this then, Danger, we ALSO stole Halo 2 for Hidden's French bitch."
"What's Halo 2?" I asked.
"HAR-HAR!! Danger has never... never... ... nevermind. You've heard of Lord Mountbatten, though, right? Well, THAT was THORPE!!"
"That was the IRA, dickhead."
Thorpe turned to face me and grasped me by the shoulders. "No, comrade, that WAS me!"
"Let go of me, Nancy-Pants".
"Oh, okay. Sorry. I also paid Michael Fagan to commit suicide in the Queen's Royal Chambers by detonating a shoe bomb I'd invented, devious, really, but the stupid fucker went in barefoot. NEVAR hire an Irishman, Danger. And if you think THAT'S something, wait 'till you hear these little doozies. I introduced Edward VIII to Mrs. Wallace Simpson, Charles to Camilla, and have so far unsuccessfully tried to hook up his brother Edward with Elton John, Freddie Mercury, Boy George and more recently George Michael. 'Cut off the head off the serpent', hey, Danger? While Williamson tries to stabalize Socialism across the globe I'm engaging the enemy closer to home. What do you think?"
I stretched my neck and looked out the Harold's window. "I think I'm nearly home."
"Heyyyyy, you live near us!" Williamson squealed from the back.
(footnote: I have developed a new grammatical format to give you, the reader, (Rad, Thorpe and Olivia) less of a headache trying to sort out who's saying what and more of a chance to focus on the story. I call this new format "PAR-A-GRAPHS" - pronounced: pah-ra-graffs. Hopefully it'll catch on with the rest of you, especially ETS.)
-To be continued as an obligation to the recalcitrant three-
User Reviews
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-04-07 01:04:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Williamson, you'll have to scroll but all will be revealed...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59093
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:29:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:11:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-06 08:02:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you banging Merlina or something Danger?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
no, we just have a deep spiritual connection.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
How did this "connection" come into being? As far as i can tell DR just popped up and began posting with your name in the title (and me sitting in a soiled chair).
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:29:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*blush* - you said 'deep'...
Hidey-ho, Cotton Flop.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:11:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-06 08:02:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you banging Merlina or something Danger?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
no, we just have a deep spiritual connection.
Submitted by ArnieGeddon (user info) at 2005-04-06 08:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Funs my name - arsehole..
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-06 08:16:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, it's the Arninator.
Submitted by ArnieGeddon (user info) at 2005-04-06 08:07:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, silly, I'm banging your mum.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-06 08:02:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you banging Merlina or something Danger?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-04-06 07:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice one sweetie
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-06 05:15:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GREAT STUFF.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-06 00:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent. Although Thorpe is by blood an Irishman.
WOO! Global socialism!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-03 07:05:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
welcome back danger ranger!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-03 05:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm making myself an official badge right now with "The Recalcitrant 3" on it.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-03 05:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-03 05:29:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is taking a while to get to where the title is... and that's a good thing. +2.
Screw Boy George. Michael Stipe would have been perfect, and he was in Brisbane the other night. Wooooooo.