Corey Feldman's Illegitimate Son, Part One (786 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 2 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Enraged Baboon (View user info) at 2005-04-04 05:46:00 EDT
I
A white hybrid is running out of juice on a darkened suburban street somewhere in the Midwest. It has a blue H painted on each of its front doors and inside is a Communitarian philosopher, a global warming theorist, an AIDS researcher, and a human rights lawer. A mixtape is on the stereo. Dixie Chicks are playing, and Jewel is on next, but the music can't be heard above the clamor. All of the occupants are arguing, politely. People in their organization do everything politely.
"Without disrespect, our destination is five miles away and we have just 10 seconds"
"I am aware, Garth. I am perfectly aware, thankyou," Neil retorts.
The men can't understand their predicament, having fuelled their vehicle just thirty minutes prior.
"I project imminent non-achievement of the goal," Dennis quips.
Bob is quiet. He is arguing with himself, inside his brain. It's strange for a Communitarian to argue with himself instead of others, but nobody points that out to Bob because arguing with Communists is no fun even if you are one. So, Bob is the Communitarian, Dennis is the global warming theorist, Garth is the doctor, and Neil is the lawyer. Together they are Omega Team. Omega Team has just failed its first mission of the season.
II
Corey Feldman's illegitimate son sits on the stoop of his Mom's one bedroom apartment. In his hand is a rejection letter from Harvard. Life hasn't been kind to Corey Feldman's illegitimate son. His actual name is Sean, but childhood buddies took to calling him Corey Feldman's illegitimate son. Others called him CFIS, which is pronounced sifis. It wasn't long before he was known as syphilis, but his closer friends now call him Siffy.
Siffy Feldman's Mom was impregnated by Corey Feldman when they were both 13 and that was basically the high point of her life. Her hopes rest on Siffy's inordinately high IQ, which is rumored by some of Siffy's relatives to be at least 98. Many of Siffy's relatives think 100 is the highest number. Siffy's actual IQ is about Goethe plus Einstein, whatever that means. Siffy is about to graduate first in his premed class at Macalaster College, payment of the exorbitant course fees being Feldman senior's first and last gift to his bastard son. Siffy can't understand why Harvard rejected him.
III
Two black Dodge Chargers thunder down the street at a combined speed of about eleven times what is safe. A red S adorns both hoods. In the cars are many men, ten in all. Each man wears a pinstripe suit and clutches a Tommy gun; even the drivers, who tote theirs out the window and shoot at random letterboxes. Neither driver is steering, or at least it appears that way. Also, in the backseat of one of the cars, is a hydrogen fuel cell and a jerry can full of gas.
The two cars pass Siffy, brake furiously, perform 180s, and pull up beside him in twin arcs of rubber and smoke. Out of one car jumps the boss and his sidekick.
"Hey boss, what's this kid's problem?"
The boss strides up to Siffy and snatches the letter from his hands, glancing at it for a nanosecond.
"Myar. Kid wantsta go to Harvard. Rejected him, see?"
"What kind of stupid kid wants to go to Harvard, boss?"
The boss smiles, slaps his sidekick in the face, and lights a cigarette. Then he turns to Siffy.
"Say, kid, howd'ya like to visit Stanford?"
User Reviews
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-04-04 10:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this. I also like your name. I've taken to calling angry people Enraged Baboons since I first saw it. They do not like that.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-04 08:49:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BedOfHog (user info) at 2005-04-04 08:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whatever
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-04-04 08:25:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-04-04 08:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dwayne?
AHHAHAHAAHA
didn't read it, but +2 for getting me to laugh
dwayne...
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-04-04 05:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK OK! I'LL ADMIT IT! I AM HIS FATHER!!!!!