My Favorite Birth Control: Method (1358 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.38 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by John Galt <UberJohnGalt.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-04-04 20:09:48 EDT
Inspired by this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/63501
As much as you've heard about condoms, pulling out, diaphragms and "the pill", there's really only one way to be sure you don't end up with a deadly STD, or even worse, an abortion bill or child support settlement. Abstinence.
It used to be difficult to avoid sex, no matter how hard I tried. Women simply couldn't get enough of John Galt. That was before. Now, I can stay celibate under any circumstances. So, what's my secret? How can you be sure to remain child and disease free too?
My method of choice: WWMD? No, not "Where are the Weapons of Mass Destruction?"
What Would Method Do?
Getting dressed to go out for the evening and don't know what to wear? Just think to yourself, "What Would Method Do?" That's right, put those normal clothes back. Think "Shiny". You want to catch people's eyes, right?
Next it's time to put on some cologne. It doesn't matter what brand really, it just needs to be strong, lingering and cloying. If you have time, fill the bathtub 1/4 of the way with it, fill the rest of the way with water, then soak in it for 30-35 minutes. Stir occassionally and flip halfway through.
Now, there's one last step to make the plan complete. When you get to the bar, order anything you can find with an umbrella in it. This should be enough, but if it isn't and some girl does try to talk to you, act like you're completely retarded. Flail your arms about wildly while talking to her, spilling your fruity beverage on her shirt. If you can, try to clean it off with a napkin while apologizing profusely and getting smacked for touching her boobs. If by some miracle you get past that, just talk about yourself and use Uber references until she loses interest and walks away.
Master this technique and you'll be just as sex-free as Method himself. It isn't pretty, and you may lose a friend or two in the process, but you're guaranteed to never get an STD, or even so much as a second glance from any human female, much less one who could have possibly had sex with other people in order to get an STD in the first place.
This method is very good for the married man on business travel who'd like to stay out of trouble when everyone goes out for drinks, as well as anyone with a drinking problem who doesn't want to wake up with a girl who looks like Abe Vigoda.
Just be careful, this has been proven by Method himself to lead to frequent and vigorous ghey sex when taken to the extreme.
User Reviews
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-04-05 15:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, he makes me flaccid too.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-04-05 15:24:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the title alone is worth a +2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:50:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it, but the title is great.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:43:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
awwwww.... leave poor Method alone. I think he smells great!
Even from 25 feet away.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:12:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Godless....................
Homer: No TV and No Beer Make Homer ... something something.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!
Treehouse of Horror V
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-05 09:29:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-04-05 09:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
im not metro = (
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-04-05 09:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaahahah wtf is wrong with you?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-04-05 04:29:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
method...what happened to the shlongy posts.
ah well. this is ok.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-04-05 01:57:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet you fucked him.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-04-05 01:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy shit, Zoidberg. I was looking for TEMPORARY birth control.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-04-05 01:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the title makes it sound like thinking about method is the best way to get unhorny fast
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-04-05 00:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-04-04 23:42:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-04-04 22:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha, the quote thing happens all the time. It's fun. You should try it sometime. And yes, I'm making fun of the user named Method. But yeah, as for the abstinence thing, I don't really practice it all that well in real life, nor do I actually recommend it. Never take anything I say seriously. It's always complete bullshit, whether it's intentional or not.
Submitted by Godless (user info) at 2005-04-04 22:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-04 21:03:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, I always wanted to be a teamster. So lazy and surly.
-- Homer Simpson
Radioactive Man
------------------------------
How lame is this asshole for quoting the quote generator?
Second I was a little offended that you ripped off my title, but that was absolved by your citation of my original work. Second I guess your ragging on some guy named method and thats ok as a joke but lets get one thing straight. Abstinence should NEVER be advocated in any serious manner, those who advocate it are cock gobblers, they should be shot, the women where I live are prude enough allready and I hate the guilt associated with pretending I love someone to get some pussy. Fuck Abstinence, Hello Free Love.
-Godless
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-04-04 21:59:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
From what I saw today, the best form of birth control is going be the uber directory. Hell, show THAT to a girl and it'll keep her from getting pregnant cause she's DEAD!!!
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2005-04-04 21:55:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-04-04 21:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad to hear that's working for you.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-04-04 21:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was thinking the same thing when I read the original
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-04-04 21:12:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-04 21:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, I always wanted to be a teamster. So lazy and surly.
-- Homer Simpson
Radioactive Man
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-04-04 20:46:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Better than the other at least.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-04-04 20:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Would be funnier if I'd met Method; he called me one morning- he didn't sound metro-GQ-another-daiquiri-please, but who does? That was a rhetorical question.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-04-04 20:29:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking funny. No matter what the retards think.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-04 20:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oops. Thought I gave you the standard -2.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-04 20:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
For self-admittance, you moved up a notch.
Submitted by Millie_Grace (user info) at 2005-04-04 20:25:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha!! i would pay to see a demonstration....
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-04-04 20:24:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're right that the wrong guy wrote it, but it has nothing to do with credibility. I'm just not funny.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-04 20:21:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
WHEN, pray tell, would YOU ever have to even worry about birth control?
Clever concept...wrong guy wrote it.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-04-04 20:21:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by John Galt" means the same thing as "SPT" unless it's fiction.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-04-04 20:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for method.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-04 20:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was clever.
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-04-04 20:14:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a) it's Tuesday here
b) you didn't spt the title
...sorry.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-04-04 20:12:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What? It's got to be Thursday somewhere, right?
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-04-04 20:12:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
wtf