The T Man Enlightens A Telemarketer (568 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The T Man (View user info) at 2005-04-04 23:38:49 EDT
The following conversation actually happened. While I have made telemarketers cry before, for some reason I was in a a merciful mood, which is why I decided not to tell him that my family was dead and with the help of the Russian president I would kill him and get a robot to rape his corpse. But, I digress. Enjoy.
Tristan And A Telemarketer In A Battle of Wits
NARRATOR: The following call actually took place on February 16th, 2005 around 4pm.Tristan is the one receiving the call at the Bradley residence. His residence is actually listed as Bowden to prevent people like the telemarketer from calling the house. The man calling him is an anonymous caller from an anonymous landscaping company.
SOUND: DIAL TONE FADING IN
SOUND: CLICK
TRISTAN: Hello.
TELEMARKETER: Good afternoon, is Mr. Bowden there?
TRISTAN: May I ask who's calling?
TELEMARKETER: How many times a year do you have to clean your eaves trough?
TRISTAN: Are you a solicitor?
TELEMARKETER: No sir, I am not. We are going to be in your area tomorrow and were-
TRISTAN: You're a solicitor.
TELEMARKETER: Look, how often do you have to clean your eaves troughs?
TRISTAN: I don't know.
TELEMARKETER: Well, there's all that junk to clear out. You don't want your eaves trough to be clogged when all the snow melts, do you?
TRISTAN: So then I'll clean it.
TELEMARKETER: But what if you fell off the roof?
TRISTAN: Just one of the inherent risks of living in Canada.
TELEMARKETER: You see we could do that for you.
TRISTAN: You are a solicitor. I do not like solicitors.
TELEMARKETER: I am not a solicitor. A solicitor is someone who asks for money. I am simply trying to inform you of a service.
TRISTAN: Is this service free?
TELEMARKETER: Um, no.
TRISTAN: Then you're soliciting!
TELEMARKETER: I am not; I am just trying to inform you about a service.
TRISTAN: Will you do this service for free?
TELEMARKETER: No-
TRISTAN: Then you are soliciting. You are indirectly asking for money.
TELEMARKETER: I am just trying to inform you about our service!
TRISTAN: No you aren't. We live in a capitalist society. You work for a firm in a competitive market. The sole purpose of a firm in any market is to make profit. Capitalism and the information you just gave me dictate that I would have to pay. And since you are a firm in a competitive free market (CONT'D) economy, your goal in this exercise is to get my money so you can increase revenue and maximize profit.
TELEMARKETER: But I am not asking you for money, I-
TRISTAN: You are not, but your firm is. This is all part of a bigger plan to achieve a bigger objective-to get my money. Thus, you are soliciting, albeit indirectly.
TELEMARKETER: Listen here, we sent a letter to you two weeks ago. We then call everyone who we sent a letter to.
TRISTAN: That doesn't change a damn thing. Did I ask to receive a call from you and your company?
TELEMARKETER: ...to be honest with you, sir, no.
TRISTAN: I did not request this call, and I did not request for your mail either. Is that not correct?
TELEMARKETER: It is.
TRISTAN: Which means that you have approached me, as part of a firm, asking-indirectly, but still asking for my money. Which means you have solicited to me not only once with your phone call, but twice counting the letter. Which undoubtedly makes you a solicitor.
SOUND: SILENCE
TRISTAN: You're a human being. You know that pretty much everyone finds this annoying. Why do you do something that degrades the image of your company and humiliates yourself?
TELEMARKETER: We can't find revenue and make profit if people don't know about our service.
TRISTAN: Yes, but if you take that money you spent for doing this and put it towards your actual work, your company would build up a reputation. It may not make you known as fast, but your firm would have a better reputation and no medium carries the same credibility as word of mouth.
TELEMARKETER: Our Company has been around for thirty-three years. To survive in a competitive market for thirty-three years, we must have a pretty good company, right?
TRISTAN: That may very well be. I am not questioning the quality of your company, however the fact remains that you are soliciting to me and engaging in an activity that will not only cost your company money that could be otherwise devoted to investment and capital; but also harm its reputation, thus its revenue and profit, hindering your firm's ability to survive in a competitive free market economy. It also affects your individual productivity as normal people like me ridicule you.
SOUND: SILENCE
TELEMARKETER: Sir, I apologize on behalf of my company and myself for committing an unwanted act of soliciting and causing a gratuitous waste of your time. Sorry, and have a good evening.
User Reviews
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-04-06 13:02:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Congratulations, you made someone's day a little bit worse.
Submitted by BedOfHog (user info) at 2005-04-05 09:01:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Canucks fan, shut the fuck up. This has been done before because a telemarketer calls a house every .000002pi seconds. Fucking canadians.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-04-05 04:17:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because writing telemarketer over and over is a pain.
even if you control v'd that shit.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-04-05 03:14:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Telemarketing pays pretty well for a job that requires no real skills. Don't hate the playa hate the game.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-04-05 00:24:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice, but its been done before
Submitted by SyntaxZero (user info) at 2005-04-04 23:58:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2005-04-04 23:48:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice. I just keep them off track by asking them how much they earn if they work for a charity, or by saying I'm really interested, then telling them I have to get a pen and some paper. I usually only check the phone 10-15 minutes later.