Tales From Yankee Stadium, Or, Why My Mom Is Completely Awesome (1756 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.79 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Pentameter (View user info) at 2005-04-05 09:14:50 EDT
Legend has it that on Saturday, October 14, 1978, my mother kneeled down in front of the television set with a rosary in her hand. She said the "Hail Mary" over and over again, barely blinking so that she didn't miss one moment.
It was the bottom of the ninth inning in the World Series between the New York Yankees and the Los Angeles Dodgers. The game was tied 3 - 3. As Lou Pinella drove in Roy White, my mother jumped to her feet and screamed, "Thank you Jesus!"
The Yankees would go on to win the World Championship in six games.
At the time, my mother didn't realize she was pregnant. But she was. With me.
I was born August 1, 1979. Thurman Munson, the Yankees' catcher and captain, would die in a plane crash the next day. My mother said that the first was the happiest day of her life and the second was one of the saddest days of her life. My father is still convinced that a little piece of Thurman found a home in my soul.
If you cut me, I'll bleed pinstripes. I swear that my Mom's heart looks like the Yankees' symbol. My dad says that we sound like two old men when we talk about baseball. He also told me that when I was a little girl, I would fall asleep in bed with my mother. When he would get home from work, he would carry me into my room. As he would rest my head on the pillow, I would always ask, "Did the Yankees win?"
This is "our thing."
On Sunday, I plopped down in front of the television set and anxiously awaited the start of the game. As the cameras panned around Yankee Stadium during the pre-game show, I thought of all the games I had attended there. Most of these games had either something completely surreal happen or my mother flipped out on an opposing team's fan. Sometimes both of these things happened.
I know a lot of people think that New York sports fans are insane. You're right. And my mother is one of the worst ones. She may not be your typical maniac, but by God, if you should say anything bad or slanderous about her beloved Yankees, or if you get in her way, she will cut you. She'll cut you real slow.
Game 1:
For my thirteenth birthday, I got tickets to a Yankees game. The day of the trip, my mother, father, uncle, cousin, one of his friends and I set off for the stadium. We made it into the Bronx with almost no problem. There was an accident on the Major Deegan Expressway very close to the stadium. It took us two hours to move two miles. We survived on warm cranberry ginger ale and cheese crackers.
As soon as we walked into the stadium, Matt Nokes hit a home run which we missed seeing by seconds (by the way, this was the early 90s when the Yankees sucked). It was already the sixth inning, and when we went to sit down, there were two elderly gentlemen sitting in our seats. My mother flipped out and physically removed them. They got an usher, who took one look at my mother and said, "You must be senile. There's no way that sweet woman would assault you!"
A few minutes later, someone stepped on a packet of mustard and it sprayed all over my uncle's bald head. My mom and I laughed as he walked around with it all over his noggin for the rest of the day. Then he got in the car and rubbed it all over the headrest. We were in hysterics.
Game 2:
This was a doubleheader between the Yankees and the Indians. I don't remember much about this game, except for the fact that Mike Stanley hit 3 homeruns, had 8 RBIs and the Yankees STILL FUCKING LOST! I saw my mother take on three Mexicans who were wearing Indians hats. They screamed some stuff in Spanish and she told them to go back to Mexico. Then some lady started saying that Don Mattingly was washed up, and my mother ripped her a new asshole as well.
Game 3:
I don't remember who the Yankees played, but this was the first time we went on a bus trip to Yankee Stadium. It was literally a sausage fest, as we were 2 of 5 females on a bus of 52, and 2 of the 7 people who were still sober at noon. Of course, I took the window seat, and as we were waiting for the rest of the fans to get on the bus, we noticed a guy standing outside, whom we dubbed "Duh" because of the vapid expression on his face. He sat down directly in front of us and started telling us how it was his 25th birthday.
Duh drank himself into oblivion. He was absolutely hammered, and decided that he was going to try to woo me since I knew so much about the Yankees. At the time of this game, I was 14 years old. I remember him hanging over the seat, his eyes barely open, telling me that I was a great fan. He tried to kiss me several times, and this did not lay well with my mother. Eventually, she told me to put my coat over my head so that he would think I was asleep. For a solid hour, he hung over the seat, beer hanging on his breath, and just stared at the top of my head poking out from underneath my jacket.
My mother and I cracked up as drunk men failed miserably at navigating up and down the walkway of the bus. They would grab onto the seats and try to jump over the coolers, only to land on a garbage bag full of empty cans and fall on their asses, ruining their own shit. It was nothing short of glorious.
Duh's friend apologized to both of us many, many times.
Game 4:
Another bus trip. I don't remember who the Yankees played, but I do remember that a group of mentally handicapped people had about three rows of seats in front of us. One gentleman in particular kept standing up and spinning around, clapping and shouting, "Yankees!"
This angered my mother, and she screamed at him to sit down many times. The chaperone actually turned around and started yelling at my mother, who nearly got into a physical altercation with him. After things died down a little bit, I noticed that the retarded Yankees fan was having some troubles with his lady friend. He sat down next to her and she turned her head. She ignored him for the rest of the game. I asked my mother if she felt bad and she said, "That's what he gets for standing in my way while I'm trying to watch the Yankees."
Game 5:
I don't remember who the Yankees played, but it was the night before the players went on strike in 1994. Joe DiMaggio and Mickey Mantle were at that game, and they were about 50 feet in front of me. It was one of the most amazing moments in my life.
So much weird shit went on at that game that I can't even believe I remember that. Before the game, as we were waiting for the gates to open, a Korean kid took to my dad's friend. "I'm going to get all the Yankees to sign my baseball with this," he said as he took the cap off of a Sharpie and started sniffing it. My dad's friend is a nervous type of guy, so this didn't sit well with him. Somehow he got away with his sanity intact.
Later on, during batting practice, the Korean kid ended up next to my dad's friend. Every time a ball was hit anywhere near them, my dad's friend would jump up and land on the Korean kid with a devastating elbow. I didn't get to witness it, but apparently it was quite hilarious.
During the game, there was a he/she sitting next to us, and my dad's friend and I tried to figure out what it was the entire game. "I think it's wearing a bra," he said.
"I heard them calling it Frankie," I said.
"I heard one of the little kids say, 'Frankie farted!' Would a girl bust ass at a ballpark?" he asked.
"I think it's a guy," I said.
"Well, he must be a fag then."
My mother had one of her moments at this game also. Someone was holding a sign, and it really pissed her off because it was in her way. She started screaming, "Put the fucking sign down!"
Frankie turned around and said to her, "Do you want it up?"
I nearly pissed myself laughing as she went into a tirade.
Game 6:
It was opening day in 1997, and it was awesome to be at Yankee Stadium. Some guy who was sitting about two rows in front of us and who looked like Chris Elliot lit up a big fat joint right in the middle of the game, which severely angered my mother. Plus, he was as annoying as fuck, only shutting up when he was taking a hit.
Right in the middle of the game, security came up and escorted a very pretty woman out of the stadium. All of the knucklehead men started to chant "Show your tits!" as she walked down the stairs.
The woman turned around and threw our entire section the finger.
Chris Elliot screamed, "She's a real bitch too."
To which my mother replied, "Why don't you go after her then?"
He glared at her for a solid two minutes. My dad had to hold her back because she was about ready to lunge over the seats and strangle him. Eventually, he got thrown out too.
My mom fucking rules.
Since I am the only one of her children who loves the Yankees as much as she does, she made me promise that I'll sprinkle some of her ashes in Yankee Stadium.
After giving me some of the best memories I have, there is no way I wouldn't do that for her. I imagine myself sneaking onto the field with her urn held tightly in my hands. With tears in my eyes, I'll sprinkle her ashes all over the infield. Her remains will be amongst the dirt that was touched by some of the greatest players in a game that she loves. Every time the Yankees take the field, my mother will be right there with them, cheering them on to victory.
At that moment, I know she'll truly be home.
User Reviews
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-05-09 09:40:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell your mom I think the Yankees fuckin suck. And I'll say it to her face if you want. It will be awesome.
TASTE THE HATRED!
Submitted by rdn4 (user info) at 2005-04-10 10:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing but good. Nice story.
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-04-10 10:15:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your mother needs some counseling or intervention quickly.
Submitted by TMedeiros (user info) at 2005-04-10 08:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.. made me laugh . we have a minor league team we root for cause its too far for the majors.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-04-10 07:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
And that from someone who knows precisely zero about baseball.
-Dave
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-04-10 06:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Germans hate to be having da beseball in ze parks. You are to be having Aushwitz visits.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-04-09 15:40:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
even though i am a bosox fan and we are therefore sworn enemies this was well-written and funny as hell. i miss my mom.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-04-07 03:18:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice story. I wish I liked sports.
Wanna hear something funny? My mothers request (to my sister and me) when she dies is that we sprinkle her ashes over Blackwater Canyon (close to where she lives). Not so strange... but she wants us to sing "Manamana." You know. By the muppets.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-04-07 03:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She's going to have them hidden inside a vial under her belt until she can blow them into Jean Claude Van Damme's face.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-07 03:02:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good story. I really enjoyed it. And I imagine more than a few people have asked to have their ashes scattered in Yankee Stadium. How do you plan on doing it?
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-04-07 02:49:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to ramble on with some baseball stories, but instead I'll just give you a +2 and be on my merry way
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-04-05 20:29:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SMOKA DAT WEEEEED!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-04-05 20:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your mom rules.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-04-05 18:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmmmm yankee stadium.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-04-05 15:44:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I think it's wearing a bra," he said.
"I heard them calling it Frankie," I said.
"I heard one of the little kids say, 'Frankie farted!' Would a girl bust ass at a ballpark?" he asked.
"I think it's a guy," I said.
"Well, he must be a fag then."
How can this NOT get anything other than a +2?...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-05 15:14:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-04-05 15:01:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
GODZILLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
---------------------------------------
Matsui is going to have a great year. And I love the signs they make for him too.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-04-05 15:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GODZILLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2005-04-05 14:52:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyone who uses "Or" in a title is....
meh, I've got nothin'.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-05 13:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-04-05 13:14:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm torn.
i'm sure that this is good writing, but i couldn't devote enough concentration to it to read.
it didn't make me smile, it make me dislike you. and it wasn't the kicker of all ass, because yankees suck and i hate everyone who thinks its ok to like them. ok, not really, but still.
plus i'm dating a yankees fan, which sucks.
--------------------------------------------
If you read it, you would see that this isn't really a story about the Yankees. It's a story about my mother and I. Insert any team, and it's the same story.
Anyway, the other night when the season started, I took a little trip down memory lane and ended up with a lot more than I expected.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-04-05 13:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm torn.
i'm sure that this is good writing, but i couldn't devote enough concentration to it to read.
it didn't make me smile, it make me dislike you. and it wasn't the kicker of all ass, because yankees suck and i hate everyone who thinks its ok to like them. ok, not really, but still.
plus i'm dating a yankees fan, which sucks.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-04-05 12:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good old fashioned lucy goosey stuff. might i say, "glorious" with some birthday candles that you can never blow out. HEY, i'm at work, i can't proofread these things. Just take it as it is.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-04-05 12:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-04-05 12:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Bayley (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:05:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:00:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Good story, but I can't give anything Yankees a good rating. I'd sooner sell my soul to the devil.
--------------------------------------
Ditto
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:40:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell your mom I said the Yankees suck.
I think I can take her.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:25:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
* sigh * I hate baseball.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:53:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hensley Muelens has a job? That's great!
I remember when three pitchers came up together... Scott Kamieniecki, Jeff Johnson and Wade Taylor.
Or the day they traded Rickey for Greg Cadaret, Polonia, and Eric Plunk.
Oh, shit, I have to throw up now.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:52:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't remember who the Yankees played, but it was the night before the players went on strike in 1994.
---------
the next day was the sadest day of my life, it killed the Expos, They were firstin the majors, when that god-damn strike hit.
As the season starts without my beloved Expos for the first time this post makes me remember the good times. Opening days at the Big O. Wearing coneheads with my friend starting the wave in the bleachers, un-deux-trois-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Great post, thanks for the memories...
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:05:12 (#)
I have at least 4 Matt Nokes rookie cards. They must be worth almost 4 cents. I keep them next to my Alvaro Espinoza rookie stack, and my 3 Luis Polonia rookies.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Then you must also remember the rotation of Andy Hawkins, Dave LaPoint, Tim Leary and...
the mists of time mercifully shroud the rest. Lee Gutterman?
I feel compelled to add that Europe continues to torture me, in that Bam Bam Meulens
is now third base coach of the Dutch national team.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
With the NHL season down the tubes, I am visualizing about a million serious sports fans drooling at the mouth in anticipation of this years baseball season. Great post!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's nothing like a good family tradition of Yankee fandom.
My daughter has yet to experience a pinstripe championship in
her post-birth lifetime, but one of the very first times we
felt her move in utero was when I put my ballcap on my
wife's belly early in Game 5 of the 2000 series, Bernie
promptly homered, and my girl kicked hard enough that both
of us saw the cap jump.
We'll be back in the US in time for the next series, and
I'm going to tell her that story then.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stories.
Go Braves.
(sorry, I grew up on them the same way you did on the Yanks)
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:09:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Talk about a die hard fan.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:06:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:02:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to make love to you.
And on a sidenote, did you orgasm when the Yankees finally got the Big Unit? I know I did...
----------------------
Bwahahaha...my boyfriend might have a little problem with the "making love" part, but I appreciate the sentiment.
And yes, yes I did. He looked so fucking awesome on Sunday night I could hardly contain myself.
Submitted by Bayley (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:05:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:00:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Good story, but I can't give anything Yankees a good rating. I'd sooner sell my soul to the devil.
--------------------------------------
Ditto
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:05:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your childhood sounds so much like mine.
Well, except for that whole gender thing.
I have at least 4 Matt Nokes rookie cards. They must be worth almost 4 cents. I keep them next to my Alvaro Espinoza rookie stack, and my 3 Luis Polonia rookies.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:03:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"If you cut me, I'll bleed pinstripes"
Outstanding.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:02:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to make love to you.
And on a sidenote, did you orgasm when the Yankees finally got the Big Unit? I know I did...
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good story, but I can't give anything Yankees a good rating. I'd sooner sell my soul to the devil.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-04-05 09:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-04-05 09:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm gonna give it a plus 1...not because it wasn't plus 2 worthy, well written, and heartfelt...but only because i'm a Mets fan.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-04-05 09:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear I got teary-eyed with delight reading this shit. The Yankees are the most amazing sports franchise in the history of the world. You need to go to more games though! I don't even have season tix and I went to 16 games last year (my record is 13-3 at the stadium).
I'm going to tomorrow's game! I'm so friggin excited! This kicks ass. I love baseball. I love the Yankees. I love this rivalry. I love our team this year. Fuck YEAH! WOOOOOOO! I can't wait for 1:05, bring it on!!!!!!!!!!
Watch for me in the RF Bleachers, 5th row back, section 43. It's where Sheff's homerun is going to land tomorrow - and I'm catching it.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-05 09:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My dad used to take us to see the Yankees on the 4th of July when we were kids. Even though he knew that I'm a Phillies fan.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-04-05 09:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What Apollo said. And yet, +2 because this is a great story.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-04-05 09:42:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everytime I read something like this, my mind goes straight to:
The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again.
By the way, Shea sucks (Yankee Stadium rules), and GO METS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-04-05 09:37:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A +2 just because you're an awesome chick.
Anyone else this would have be -2 hands down.
Hi L.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-05 09:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
want... to... -2 this....
can't.
bah! you and your awesomeness won't allow me to do it.
Submitted by NYCRulz (user info) at 2005-04-05 09:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story about a great team........GO YANKS!!
Submitted by Faith (user info) at 2005-04-05 09:33:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stories and a touching ending.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-05 09:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For all Baseball road trip stories...Even if they're about the hated Yankees.
I have hundreds of them myself...mostly A's related but I did see a World Series game in 1967 in Fenway...Lonborg vs. Gibson.
Should be a +3.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-04-05 09:26:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
baseball is ghey.