Kid’s Talk (1224 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.67 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (View user info) at 2005-04-05 10:50:37 EDT
Disclaimer:
If you are a sensitive, compassionate individual, you should not read this post. This post contains detailed explanations of how a group of deranged college kids made a middle school girl's life hell. This story shows how sick and twisted the minds of a creative person can be. Honestly, the little girl in this story probably grew up to have serious mental issues. I am simply retelling the tale, because, well, it's fucking funny. End disclaimer.
Freshman year at college, the basic cable package included all of the local public access channels. This included a channel dedicated to High School sports, one dedicated to public events such as town meetings and political debates, and a general access channel where anyone could have a television program. Thus, Kid's Talk was discovered.
The premise of Kid's Talk was basic. A middle school student, a young girl of perhaps thirteen years, took live phone calls from other kids to discuss, well, what kids talk about. Her only line of defense was her father, who screened the calls beforehand. We got a kick out of it, because plenty of kids that called in were punk-ass teenage boys with nothing better to do than say stupid things and hang up. Sometimes, the little bastards got creative and we got a good laugh. Usually, the little girl's father would terminate the call as soon as it crossed the line, but never fast enough to kill the punch line.
One day, it occurred to us that we had telephones, and that we could call in ourselves. My roommate was the first to attack. The father answered the phone, and he did his best to explain to the father that he loved hot dogs, and he wanted to discuss hot dogs on Kid's Talk. Like an idiot, the father didn't see the phallic possibilities of discussing hot dogs, so he put the call through. Here is the transcript:
Kid's Talk: Hello, Kid's Talk, what would you like to talk about?
My Roommate: Hi! Do you like hot dogs?
KT: Hot dogs?
MR: Yes, hot dogs!
KT: Yeah, I guess so. Do you like them?
MR: Oooh, I love hot dogs, they plump when you cook them.
KT: Do they?
MR: Yeah! And they're so smooth and long, sometimes I like to suck the juice out instead of just bite into it.
KT: Suck the juice out, how do you do that?
MR: Well, you stroke it.
Okay, this is where the father should've cut off the call. But he didn't. Sensing he was near the edge, my roommate backed off a tad.
KT: What?
MR: You put ketchup on it. And mustard. It's sloppy.
KT: I don't like sloppy things, that's gross.
MR: Do you like sloppycack?
KT: I don't know what that is?
MR: Sloppy? Or you don't know what cack is?
KT: I, uh, I don't know what cack is.
MR: Oh, that's because I mean COCK! Do you like SLOPPY COCK???
And the phone line went dead as a bunch of 18 and 19 year old idiot college kids cackled like a roomful of down's cases.
Next up was someone whom I will call "Dan." Dan's angle was that he lived with his parents in a crazy community, sort of like an amusement park. This imaginary community was essentially a nudist colony. Dan got on the phone with the Kid's Talk Dad and told him that he lived in a "separatist community" and he wanted to know what it was like to go to a real public school. Again, like an idiot, Kid's Talk Dad lets the phone call though.
KT: This is Kid's Talk, what would you like to talk about?
D: Hi there! Do you go to school?
KT: Of course I go to school. Do you?
D: Yes, what grade are you in?
KT: I'm in seventh grade.
D: Awesome! I'm in sixth grade.
KT: Are you in Jefferson Middle*
*name changed
D: No, I live in a fun park, we have different schools than regular kids.
KT: A fun park? Like Six Flags?
D: Sort of, except people actually live here, some people even work here too.
KT: That sounds fun. Are there rides to go on and stuff?
D: Yeah kinda, my neighbor gives the little kids rides all of the time. He has a job here at the park too. He watches the kids when our moms and dads are working after school.
KT: Oh, my dad works from home so he's here when I get home.
D: Does your dad give you rides?
KT: Not anymore, I'm too big for that.
D: Yeah, plus things sort of flop around and it's weird
KT: What?
D: Like arms and legs and appendixes.
KT: (Giggling) what?
D: I mean appendages. Anyway, what's it like to go to a school where kids wear regular clothes?
KT: Regular clothes? Oh, do you have to wear uniforms at your school?
D: Uniforms? Yeah sort of, my dad calls them birthday suits, so I guess it's like everyone's birthday all the time here.
Yeah, now the father should be cutting off the call, he should see where this is going. Appendages? Flopping? Birthday suits???
KT: My birthday is in three weeks!
D: Awesome, will you wear a birthday suit and play with your dad?
Seriously, Kid's Talk Dad, what are you smoking? End this call!
KT: My whole family will be around, we're having a barbeque and cake. My uncle's birthday is around the same time so we throw a party together.
D: You and your uncle get to wear birthday suits then. Watch out for his flopping appendage though, is he a tall man?
I guess Dan crossed the line, because the call was immediately terminated. As the call waned, Dan's false high-pitched voice kept getting lower and lower. I don't know why the Kid's Talk Dad didn't stop it sooner.
There were a lot more calls made, but to keep this story at a readable length, I'll finish off with the last call ever made to Kid's Talk, when I assume the father got fed up with all the bullshit. The premise was basic, Kerry was a real big fan of the show, and he wanted to show his appreciation to the kid's talk girl. He didn't disguise his voice, a deep throaty tenor, at all, and Kid's Talk Dad still put the call through.
KT: Hello, this is Kid's Talk, what would you like to talk about?
Kerry: How's it going? I just wanted to let you know that I'm a huge fan. I watch your show every day.
KT: Thanks! Do you go to Jefferson Middle?
Kerry: No, I go to college, but I'm studying elementary education, so I love kids.
KT: That sounds like fun, my mom is a teacher too. Is that what you want to do when you grow up?
Kerry: Yeah, either that or I want to be a Philanthropist.
KT: I've never heard of that, what did you call it?
Kerry: Philanthropist? It means be really rich and give money to people.
KT: That doesn't sound like a job.
Kerry: Not really. When I get back from classes, though, my favorite thing to do is grab some wine and cheese and watch Kid's Talk.
KT: Yuck. I hate cheese! I only like it on mashed potatoes.
Kerry: Well, the cheese pairs well with the wine. It relaxes me.
KT: I can't drink wine because I'm not old enough. Sometimes, my daddy lets...
The girl looks off camera, we assume because she's about to tell us that her dad has let her try wine before and he's telling her to shut up.
KT: I think wine is gross too.
Kerry: Yeah, so I grab a bottle of wine and kick back with you.
KT: That's cool, I'm surprised how many people watch my show that I never knew about!
Kerry: So, sometimes, I lock the door so no one comes in. Then, if the mood is right, I gratify myself.
Dial tone. Dead. The last call ever to Kid's Talk terminated with Kerry telling this little girl that he gratifies himself to the show. I know it's all sick and twisted, and I apologize if anyone is offended by our actions. Please do not tell the authorities, as there may still be an impending investigation. But man, that was some funny ass shit.
User Reviews
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-04-07 09:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-04-05 20:47:59 (#)
Ranking: -2
You really need to start handling -2s better or you might bust an artery.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It doesn't bother me physically. It's not like I shake my fist at the computer and throw a tantrum. It's typing in a keyboard, big deal. As Walter Sobchek once said "Calmer than you are, dude."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-04-05 18:24:09 (#)
Ranking: -2
Scary threat WQP, I quiver in fear of my uber ratings. No really, please do go rate it all honestly. In fact, if it makes anyone feel better go through them all and -2 the shit out of them. Hell, if it really floats your boat, make an alter so you can stick me with more than one -2. Honestly most all of it is shit. I made maybe 3-4 good posts in 25 tries, and I readily admit to the fact. The difference here is when I realized I usually didn't have anything worth sharing, I didn't fucking bother. I haven't posted since the world series, and close to a year before that.
If this is the best you have you really shouldn't bother. So yes, -2. Better than shit doesn't mean good, and if everyone stopped posting daily out of compulsion and posted when they actually had something funny to say you wouldn't have to say "hey, at least it's better than the other shit."
Remember, the numbers on ubersite accurately represent you and how successful you are/will be in life, which is why me -2'ing this piece of trash you are trying to pass off as humor means so much, AND why the uber circle jerk of friends make a big deal out of always +2'ing each other. This is also why I am so obviously envious of the extremely talented 1.21G here. He surely will go farther in life based on nothing other than his status on Uber. Good job man, you read me like a book.
-2 choke.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The issue here, Davy, is that you're all mad that my story sucked and it wasn't worth posting. However, there's about 25 people who commented on it, saying they enjoyed it. I don't know who half those people are, and the other half I only know from reading what they write. If they write something and I see it, I rate it. I don't have the time to go reading everything on Uber, so this supposed "circle jerk of friends" isn't even something I'm involved with on Uber.
You've even admitted that you can't add anything of value at all to this forum. So why are you even still here? Oh, you're trying to make a difference on this site by bringing down "the man", or this Uber clique you're dreaming of. Wake the fuck up, man. There is no clique. There's people writing stories, trying to make you laugh, hitting or missing all the time. If I was worried that a piece might not be well received by some so I didn't post it, then I'd be screwing over the majority of people who thought it was entertaining.
And by the way man, don't try to sound smarter than you really are in your comments, you look like a fucking idiot.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-04-05 20:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You really need to start handling -2s better or you might bust an artery.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-04-05 20:28:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You know that this is better than 95% of the shit on this site"
A truer word has never been said.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-04-05 18:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Scary threat WQP, I quiver in fear of my uber ratings. No really, please do go rate it all honestly. In fact, if it makes anyone feel better go through them all and -2 the shit out of them. Hell, if it really floats your boat, make an alter so you can stick me with more than one -2. Honestly most all of it is shit. I made maybe 3-4 good posts in 25 tries, and I readily admit to the fact. The difference here is when I realized I usually didn't have anything worth sharing, I didn't fucking bother. I haven't posted since the world series, and close to a year before that.
If this is the best you have you really shouldn't bother. So yes, -2. Better than shit doesn't mean good, and if everyone stopped posting daily out of compulsion and posted when they actually had something funny to say you wouldn't have to say "hey, at least it's better than the other shit."
Remember, the numbers on ubersite accurately represent you and how successful you are/will be in life, which is why me -2'ing this piece of trash you are trying to pass off as humor means so much, AND why the uber circle jerk of friends make a big deal out of always +2'ing each other. This is also why I am so obviously envious of the extremely talented 1.21G here. He surely will go farther in life based on nothing other than his status on Uber. Good job man, you read me like a book.
-2 choke.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-05 16:17:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BAH! WTF Mariano?
Submitted by southernmiss (user info) at 2005-04-05 14:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And the phone line went dead as a bunch of 18 and 19 year old idiot college kids cackled like a roomful of down's cases.
Classic Fun
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-04-05 14:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not too worried about Davy Jones, Ivegotsyphillis, or any other haters.
But seriously though, -2 Davy? Why? This post is THAT bad that you think it's a negative two? You know that this is better than 95% of the shit on this site. I'm sorry you can't create anything yourself like this, as if http://www.ubersite.com/m/47812 is a great post or something? Yeah, lot of creativity you put into that.
You're jealous, and that's cool. All I know is Hideki Matsui is the man, and he will be AL MVP this year. Did you see that homerun?
Submitted by BedOfHog (user info) at 2005-04-05 14:02:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This shit is stupid. It reminds me of the days of ip-relay, which is actually cool. But prank calling a childrens show with that bullshit? Please.
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2005-04-05 13:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"more boring than watching a whale give birth to monkeys "
sign me up for that shit.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-04-05 13:11:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats glorious.
well done.
i'm here in dc with a bunch of hot saleswhores. it is also glorious
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-04-05 13:03:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Get a stick out of your ass, DavyJones. This was funny AND well written. You know that if you were there at the time, you'd be laughing your ass off.
Go fuck yourself before I go and rate some of your shit honestly.
Rate the post and not your bitterness towards the system.
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-04-05 12:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha you're going to hell! hahahahaha
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-04-05 12:40:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHHHHHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAAAHHHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA*thud*
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-04-05 12:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
meh, once again decently-written but more boring than watching a whale give birth to monkeys
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-04-05 12:13:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ok, so we have hotdogs as phallic symbols, talking about nudity, and a college kid beating off to a 13 year old girl...
Which part was supposed to be the funny one?
This whole story is the kind of thing one of your buddies gets really excited about telling you, so you listen intently and at then end you just stare at him blankly while he laughs at himself claiming you had to of been there.
Honestly, I think schlongy, zoidberg, and myself are the only people who rate things with any sort of honesty anymore. Between people and their +2 streak obsessions - oh noes better keep it going - and their huge lists of auto +2 posters anymore it's kind of ridiculous what is considered a "kicker of all ass" post. Looking at the best ever list just leads you to a bunch of mediocrity because of it.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-05 12:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it's funny.... but one day you'll be in court about this.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MR: Do you like sloppycack?
KT: I don't know what that is?
MR: Sloppy? Or you don't know what cack is?
KT: I, uh, I don't know what cack is.
MR: Oh, that's because I mean COCK! Do you like SLOPPY COCK???
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
That poor kid
Submitted by Zackstersmackster (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:50:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhahahahahahaha!
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:49:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:39:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Shenanigans are AWESOME
--------------------------------
Should I act like this really is shenanigans so I don't get in trouble? Because if I claim this is shenanigans and the cops come looking for me, then this is my out.
Okay, so yeah, this story is complete bullshit and it never happened. I'm safe!
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:48:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny haha.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is where Bill Cosby wanted to go with "kids say the darndest things"
Submitted by Bayley (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:44:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was beautiful
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:39:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shenanigans are AWESOME
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:29:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, the joys of life in the pre-caller ID era.
Submitted by Jay_Bassman (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sethor (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:06:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic! I think I'll gratify myself to this story.
------------------------------------
One step ahead of you, buster.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:27:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another one because I'm in computer lab right now and am chocking myself laughing.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Despite you sometimes being a meathead, this is some quality shit!!!
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:20:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You guys are sick fucks, but that dad should have been more on the ball with the callers...
It should have never gone on so far. He was probably getting a blow job from an assistant or something
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You didn't hear the follow-up story in the papers????? WOW!
Yeah, there was some kind of FBI investigation into some of the calls because she died two weeks later of a stress induced heart attack.
Or wait, maybe it was rape induced. I forget.
Either way, this was an awesome story.....enjoy life in the pen.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:12:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:::sigh:::
Too funny, too funny.
My friends discovered a really funny answering machine once when they misdialed my number. It was pranked. Often. Something to the effect of "Ohhh baby, I love your machine message!! I want to sex it up and then youuuu. Ohhh yea." This continued until the chick actually picked up and threatened to call the cops.
Good thing we always called from a payphone.
Good thing we were only 10.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing funnier than seeing the reality of pimping your daughter on Public Access TV.
Submitted by snarf (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:08:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:07:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahaha...what a perv that guy is.
And...I'm trying to get tickets to the Yanks vs. the Sox over Memorial Day weekend. I am determined to get there this year!
Submitted by Sethor (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic! I think I'll gratify myself to this story.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:05:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That kid's dad is obviously a sick fuck if he thought it was a good idea to put his adolescent daughter on public access and allow her to take calls on camera.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the father must have been too busy gratifying himslef to your calls...
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-05 11:02:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The father must have been messed up, big time.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That kids dad is an idiot.
Good post.
Submitted by Faith (user info) at 2005-04-05 10:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a stupid fuck that dad must've been!!
Brilliant story - I'm getting really weird looks from everyone in my office for snorting with laughter, you asshole!!