Fun With Real E-Mail, Part 10 - The Finale (3500 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: fun_with_real_e-mail
Rating: 1.84 on 63 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom Sorrell - sorrelltr.at.hotmail.com (View user info) at 2005-04-06 09:21:14 EDT
Well, here it is. The last Fun With Real E-Mail post I will ever do. I mostly features things I've saved up from Brian, because I know you all love him so much. At this point, I'm convinced he's exaggerating his character like a reality show contestant who knows the camera is on them, but that makes for funny e-mails in my humble opinion.
Anyway, this is for the people who begged me for one last post, in order to end the series with a nice round number like ten. Enjoy.
------------------------------
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Linda
Subject: Scanning
Are you scanning today or not? I know there's a lot there.
--
To: Linda
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: Scanning
Just when I think I get out, they pull me right back in.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Linda
Subject: re: Scanning
Well? Are you going to scan or not?
--
To: Linda
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: Scanning
Don't ask me about my business, Linda.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Linda
Subject: re: Scanning
What? I just want to know if this stuff is going to be scanned?
--
To: Linda
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: Scanning
How about I wrap your documents around a fish and deliver them to your desk? How does that sound, huh? Maybe a Sicilian Message will teach you some respect!
------------------------------
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: hey
Tom, leave Linda alone. She has no idea what you're talking about and thinks you're serious.
"He said something about hitting me with a fish!"
--
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: hey
Brian, you're my boss, and I love you. But don't ever take sides against me again. Ever.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: re: hey
Do you know who I am? I made my bones while you were going out with cheerleaders. Now how about you go get your freaking shinebox?
--
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: hey
Hey, vaffanculo, eh?
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: re: hey
I'll show you "vaffanculo."
------------------------------
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Eric
Subject: morning
Did you watch Arrested Development last night? Oh man, it was so funny! I almost called you about it... You know that Tobias has been dressing up as a nanny to help them...only he doesn't know (realize) that everyone knows it is him... And the Dad came back for his anniversary party that he wasn't supposed to come to...
And have you seen the puppet yet?
--
To: Eric
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: eh
No, I was too busy watching David Wells get shellacked by Derek-freaking-Jeter the rest of the Damned Yankees. Speaking of the Damned Yankees:
A great pitcher... we haven't got.
A great slugger... we haven't got.
A great ball club... we haven't got.
WHAT DO WE GOT?
We've got heart! All you really need is heart.
When the odds are sayin' you'll never win... that's when the grin should start.
We've got heart.
I could go on, you know...
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Eric
Subject: re: eh
I'm asking you nicely not to.
--
To: Eric
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: eh
Oh come on, you sissy! I could do the whole thing for you like Sideshow Bob did for Bart in Cape Feare... but he did the entire production of HMS Pinafore. Although, if you want I can do that one as well.
I am the Captain of the Pinafore!
And a right good captain, too!
You're very, very good,
And be it understood,
I command a right good crew.
We're very, very good,
And be it understood,
He commands a right good crew.
Though related to a peer,
I can hand, reef, and steer,
And ship a selvagee;
I am never known to quail
At the furry of a gale,
And I'm never, never sick at sea!
What, never?
No, never!
What, never?
Hardly ever!
He's hardly ever sick at sea!
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Eric
Subject: re: eh
Thanks, I guess!?!
--
To: Eric
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: eh
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable with this rendition:
I'm the greatest captain of the Queen's Navy.
And your record will stand as proof.
Be it galley or freighter, I'm an expert navigator.
And you're also quite a world-class poof.
My manner, quite effete, is mistaken on the street
For a sailor who can pirouette on cue.
Well, despite your point of view,
I can thrill a girl or two...
But I'd rather get it on with you.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Eric
Subject: re: eh
Are you calling me gay or implying that I like Family Guy?
--
To: Eric
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: eh
Hey, whatever you think, man.
You know what they say: "If the silk shirt fits..."
------------------------------
To: Everyone
From: Brian
Subject: new baby
**Name deleted** had a baby! It's a boy and he was born on Sunday Morning; 5' 13oz, 19 inches long. His name is Conner.
--
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: new baby
Conner, eh?
I keep waiting for Christopher Lambert to walk in here and say something like: "His name is Conner McCloud, of the clan McCloud... and he can not die." Of course, then he'd pull out a sword and cut someone's head off. Then we'd have him running around the office and that would invariably attract other immortals. That could make life around here extremely difficult.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: re: new baby
You know, our medical plan does cover psychiatrists. Can I make a call for you
--
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: new baby
You know, now that I think about it, I'm sure Sean Connery would show up too. I have to admit it would be cool having Connery around all the time. Think of the fun we could have! Eric and I could start singing, and then someone would complain and say: "Sean, will you do something about the singing?"
He'd stand there for a moment in deep thought and finally reply: "Let them sing."
Then we could all sit in the break room and he'd tell us stories about fishing and how it is "a war with no battles, no monuments... only casulties."
It would be AWESOME. Quality of life would go up 115%.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: re: new baby
I wouldn't mind seeing him re-hash his Bond days and walk around calling the Sales Assistants "Pussy Galore."
--
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: new baby
See, now you're getting the idea! We need to make this happen. You're rich... get on it.
"The New America: A chicken in every pot, a car in every garage, a Sean Connery in every office."
------------------------------
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: mail
We have some outgoing checks to Brazil today. Please tell the mail room to make sure they put enough postage on them.
--
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: mail
Well Brain, according to the mail room guys, mail to Brazil is only sent to Texas. From there, it's carried by a young boy named Pedro and his donkey through the streets of several cities until he finally reaches his destination where he will celebrate with a feast of two burritos. The checks should arrive sometime in August.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: re: mail
Someone needs to buy Pedro a car. I hope he doesn't steal one of the checks!
--
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: mail
How dare you insinuate that Pedro is a thief!? That is a racist statement, you racist racist! Besides, he's not even Mexican... he's from Bolivia. He just lives in Mexico with his uncaring parents.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: re: mail
I'm sure he gets tired over such a long journey and the temptation of cashing a check to buy a car much be great. I feel bad for him.
--
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: mal
Yea, whatever Racist McBigot. You don't care about Pedro's well-being, you're just looking for chances to say that ALL MEXICANS ARE THIEVES and I will not tolerate it. Pedro is out there working for you, riding that smelly donkey through the streets of Mexico carrying your checks. He deserves and demands your respect (like the Hickory basketball team of 1951).
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: re: mail
I want Jimmy.
I WANT JIMMY! I WANT JIMMY!
--
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: mail
Pedro hoped you would celebrate who he is, not who he is not. This is your mail carrier.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: re: mail
So, is Pedro's dad is a drunk?
--
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: mail
Probably. I know one time he made Pedro paint the picket fence that surrounded their casa. He kept telling him: "Pedro, don't get caught watching the paint dry." It was an emotional moment for them...
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-02-27 22:13:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pobz (user info) at 2006-08-18 10:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bring it Back!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-04 23:31:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by falterego (user info) at 2005-06-09 18:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love the fun with real email series. off to read the whole saga of tom.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-04-07 19:32:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah, it's old and it's getting difficult to do. Plus, like someone said, they're getting kind of repetitive.
Submitted by Bizantine (user info) at 2005-04-07 19:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-04-07 10:30:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
100 is a much rounder number than 10.
-------------------------------------------------------------
You know, Tom, i have to agree with him
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-04-07 10:30:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
100 is a much rounder number than 10.
Submitted by Silk (user info) at 2005-04-06 21:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sooooo, Brian's RICH, eh? Does he need a lazy ho to support?
You cannot stop! Unacceptable. It's not like it's going to KILL you to continue entertaining us.
Dress up to the nines at sixes and sevens for us, Tommy.
You cannot leave on the eve of battle, Tom.
Does Brian know about what you've been doing with his email?
Submitted by B-Nizzo (user info) at 2005-04-06 20:39:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So Tom, would you get in trouble if Brian saw all your E-Mail posts? Or get a kick out of them? Or both?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:37:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So can I get Brian's number from you? Or perhaps even his email.....
I'm going to miss these.
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh my god, a tom post that doesn't suck?
oh wait sorry, this does suck, almost got influenced by the tainted superegos that fill this place and unconciously sway the reviews of others. how you do it i will never know
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-04-06 16:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I got halfway through, and then had a yawning fit.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-06 13:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fuck around with my coworkers like this too.
They don't seem to get it though.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-04-06 13:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thaaaat's right...
"You Canadians are all the same..."
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-04-06 13:43:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kyle's Mom and the Canadian Foreign Minister on TV, "With their flapping head, and their beady little eyes"
THAT IS RACIST! YOU, MA'AM, ARE A RACIST!
etc etc etc
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-04-06 13:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Brain fart... what racist line from South Park?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-04-06 13:29:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When calling Brian a racist, you should have used the South Park movie racist line...
That would have been worthy of a +3. But since it's not there, only a +2.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-04-06 13:27:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and just so I have the links to the other 9 on here:
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/search.cgi?q=Fun+With+Real+E-Mail&user_id=4104
They're all on there.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-04-06 13:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:44:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
The e-mail said 19 inches... That's honest to God. I don't know if that's big or small or what. IO don't care for children.
------
they're quite tasty if you slather them in hot wings sauce and bake them slowly.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-04-06 13:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
People think this is all I do, but my God... it's been how long since the last one?
I've been VERY busy here lately.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-04-06 13:05:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent.
Submitted by southernmiss (user info) at 2005-04-06 13:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks Tom
I am having the worst day EVAR, and this put a smile on my face and made me laugh out loud.
I loved this series, one of my favorites.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:54:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish my work involved sending crazy emails all day.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-04-06 11:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Reply to my e-mail from Friday, Urbane!
I need help with the site. I got the name registered...
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-06 11:46:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:31:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are the very model of a modern major general.
----------------------------------------------
I am the model of a very modern major general
i have information animal plant and mineral
This was Pirates of Penzance, not HMS Pentifore, Gosh!
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-04-06 11:39:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha awesome. thank you Tom!!!
fuck the yankees, GO SOX!
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-04-06 11:37:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If I happen to get a particularly humorous e-mail, I'll save it and put it in a random thought post, but there will be no more FWREM posts, I can assure you that.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-04-06 11:33:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-06 11:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because it's the finale.
I hope you're not lying.
PS. I did not read a word of this. Yeeeeehaaaawwww.
Submitted by Howie_Felter (user info) at 2005-04-06 11:31:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
farewell
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-04-06 11:23:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for a great series
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-06 11:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for brian
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-04-06 11:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-04-06 11:13:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If you worked for my company they'd sue AND kill you.
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-04-06 11:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Racist McBigot. " HA HA
Submitted by sc0oterpie (user info) at 2005-04-06 11:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please Please don't end this...It makes my boring day go by a little quicker...plus people wonder why laughter is coming from my cubicle only...and I like making them wonder...
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-04-06 10:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
People aren't as funny as they think they are, this much is obvious.
Submitted by jeffjt (user info) at 2005-04-06 10:54:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All of the posts in this series are funny.
When are you writing the unauthorized biography of LOTI?
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-04-06 10:49:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh...
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-04-06 10:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks tom. this entire day has sucked ass for me. seriously, i needed a good laugh.
i wish ya weren't stopping this stuff. is da shiznit!
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-04-06 10:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-04-06 10:28:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
For the song lyrics.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-04-06 10:10:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hoosiers AUTO +2
For Norman Dale
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-04-06 10:09:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:27:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR :(
Submitted by AshyLarry (user info) at 2005-04-06 10:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Talk is cheap. Scan me!"
"Make it stop Jimmy! Make it stop!"
Long live Jimmy Tango.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:55:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahhhh ha ha ha ha... I can't believe I walked into that one like a blind and deaf man into a busy intersection.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:53:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:44:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
The e-mail said 19 inches... That's honest to God. I don't know if that's big or small or what. IO don't care for children.
----------------------------------
Mine is only 3", it's one of the reasons Lisa-Marie dumped me, that and the fact that I used to never put the toilet seat down and that she caught me trying on her underwear...
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The e-mail said 19 inches... That's honest to God. I don't know if that's big or small or what. IO don't care for children.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't ask me about my business, Linda.
===================================
You know I'm re-reading that book right now, so this was extra funny.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:40:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First off, what kind of a name is **Name deleted**? Is that like Pakisatni or something?
And 19 inches? I call shenanigans!
Shamone!
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
good series, but I found it getting weaker as it went on, plus there was alot of repetition. enjoyable but it's time to let the axe fall...
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, a good end to a great series.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:31:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are the very model of a modern major general.
Submitted by jdcb (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice man...I laughed reading them all...
Keep them coming, don't stop!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:29:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who said you gotta end this? I wuv dems.
Smack that dumb bitch with a fish. Hell I'll provide one for you.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:28:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Squattail: what?
Did you hit enter on accident?
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:27:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR :(
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:27:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it needs to be a nice round number that's also a perfect square and ends in 2 zeros.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn, this is a long one...
I printed it out for Eric (who is ecstatic that I've included him and wants you all to know he loves you) and it's six and a a half pages.
Submitted by CJRipley (user info) at 2005-04-06 09:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
13 is a much better number