Do I Need AA, Jesus, or A Beer? Personal Revelation now with more Camwhore! (2402 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Professional Peon <prof_peon.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-04-06 12:02:48 EDT
It has recently been brought to my attention that I need AA. Of course, this is the one sided opinion of the only person in my life who doesn't drink, so I consider his outlook one sided. He is an introvert and spends his free time making 'internet' friends that he will never meet. I, on the other hand, am a precarious extrovert and feel it is my duty to be a roll model and inspiration for the shy wallflowers of the world. Yet he laughs at me when I tell him I want to go to the next Ubercon. Is the thought of meeting people online so scary? I know I'm scary, and when the day comes when we do meet, the women will clutch their purses and the men will protect their crotches. Ahhhh, smell the fear.
I moved to a small town to escape the big city and spent the first six months alone, alone and miserable. The turning point in my life occurred the night of my twenty-fifth birthday. I was home by myself, watching the Taken mini-series on the Scifi channel. I was drunk from consuming a bottle of Jack Daniels all by myself. Wallowing in self pity because no one remembered it was my birthday, so no one called. Everyone forgot, my friends of +10 years, my family. I decided I never wanted to feel that way....ever again. I did the only thing I could. I submersed myself in the local nightlife.
"Well Peon", you ask. "What is the nightlife like around your way?"
Thanks for asking.
In my shabby little town the only outlet for a social life are the bars (as is the case with most small towns) however ours have an added feature. Every bar and I mean EVERY bar has karaoke.
Karaoke is my Jesus.
I have been told on many occasions that I need Jesus. "Why?" you ask? No you don't because you're as bad as my 'real' friends, only spewing out lewd comments like "Show us yer tits!" Karaoke has been my saving grace. Pulling me from the depths of depression, shining upon me the glorious light that is sleep deprivation. I now am out and about four or five nights a week, hanging out with new friends that I have made. I sing under my stage name of Jugsy Needsabeer to insure that I never have to wait for a drink.
Karaoke has embraced me in its loving arms. It called to me, it said "Peon, love us" I was a little surprised when karaoke spoke like a Borg, but I digress.
I told Karaoke that I could not sing. I was never a singer. I spent ten years playing saxophone because my voice cracked glass and shattered diamonds. Karaoke introduced me to beer and cigarettes and told me they would be my guides. I did as Karaoke instructed and practiced diligently over the next year. I am now part of the elite, which makes me a complete dork to normal people, but I still try to convert people because as dorky as it may be, on any given night of karaoke goodness I have hot bitches hitting on me, sitting on my lap, buying my beers and begging me to go home with them.
Now what more could a girl ask for?
By now I'm sure your asking yourself, "Peon.... What the fuck is your point?"
Sorry, I'm getting to it....
I won a trip for two to Cancun on Friday and I need a date.... Any takers?
I have included a picture of my face to insure that your immediate answer will be "FUCK NO!"
User Reviews
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-02 13:19:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What you need is a shot of vitamin D(rake)
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-04-02 12:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you still have those tits?
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-04-02 12:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
yer purdy
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-02 11:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you still have those tickets?
Submitted by alfakyle (user info) at 2006-01-26 18:52:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
At first I was wondering what you needed batteries for.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-26 18:28:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're really, really cute.
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-04-25 09:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
shit, you do look familiar
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-04-13 22:31:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yes, it is a nice camwhore. However it is not large enough. Your picture shoud be at least FOUR TIMES LARGER than the screen. http://www.ubersite.com/m/64243
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-13 10:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-04-13 10:09:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have me a passport, not in the US though, but I've always wanted to see it, and yes. But can I blink? My eyes get itchy if I don't blink...
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As long as you promise not to withhold sex it'll be ok <insert naughty giggle>
Email me
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-13 10:14:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Gargle my jism.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-04-13 10:09:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have me a passport, not in the US though, but I've always wanted to see it, and yes. But can I blink? My eyes get itchy if I don't blink...
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2005-04-13 10:02:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I get my passport renewed, I'm game.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-13 09:59:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-04-13 09:42:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooh, oh, in that case:
ME ME ME ME MEME! TAKE ME!
I'm fun on vacations.
---------------
Do you have a passport? Are you legally allowed to leave the US? errr... are you in the US?
And can I stare into those babyblues of yours for hours without you getting creeped out?
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-04-13 09:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooh, oh, in that case:
ME ME ME ME MEME! TAKE ME!
I'm fun on vacations.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-13 09:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-04-13 09:28:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
ME ME ME MEME! TAKEME!
Oh shit. It was last Friday, wasn't it?
Aw crap........ :(
-----------
No silly I one the trip on a Friday, I have like six months to book the trip and go.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-04-13 09:28:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ME ME ME MEME! TAKEME!
Oh shit. It was last Friday, wasn't it?
Aw crap........ :(
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-07 11:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What's my special treat? Does it rhyme with "coyote"? Is it bigger than a peanut?
---Depends on how you pronounce "coyote." The way I say it, then the only thing that pops into my mind would be "bologna". Let's cut the confusion and just say it rhymes with orange.
===============
you're picture isn't flatering, but i think it's the light and angle... even models can look ugly in the wrong picture, so I give you the benefit of the doubt,
---I've never been one to photograph well. It's a quick pic with my camera phone to get into the uberdirectory.
and just tell everyone to fuck off..
---right on!
================
Wait...so you're a lesbian?
---That would imply that I don't like men.
================
You left this on a post of mine.....and I've been to Cancun so I know all the hot spots. Let's go, and have wild sex the whole week and dance and drink till we die.
---Yes the Ambercrombie (sp?) guy with the condom pocket and the cute little belly. Where have you been?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-07 09:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo Hoo, in your face Uber, I get a special treat!
What's my special treat? Does it rhyme with "coyote"? Is it bigger than a peanut?
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-06 23:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never been to cancun... and I used to live in utah, so not much else to do but meet people online. after all, who's afraid of mormons?
you're picture isn't flatering, but i think it's the light and angle... even models can look ugly in the wrong picture, so I give you the benefit of the doubt, and just tell everyone to fuck off..
drinking is the best, dont' let them stop you
Submitted by The_T_Man (user info) at 2005-04-06 23:17:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait...so you're a lesbian?
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-04-06 23:06:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-02-11 13:10:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yummy!!!
Need a sugar mamma???
====
You left this on a post of mine.....and I've been to Cancun so I know all the hot spots. Let's go, and have wild sex the whole week and dance and drink till we die.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:56:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:36:48 (#)
Ranking: -2
"roll model"
So what, you model rolls? What's your specialty, Crescent?
-------HAHA thanks for pointing that out. But it's HOT DOG actually
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Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:34:39 (#)
Ranking: -1
i'm not saying that your are disgusting, but jesus christ your ego must be the size of japan, walking around the mall thinking your hot shit when your not. throw that up on hotornot.com and see what happens. i got a 5, if you can beat me i will officially leave this site forever.
--------I never said I was hot, why would I go on Hotornot? I think you are under the impression that extrovert means gorgeous. I am an extrovert as in sociable and easy to get along with. I try to be nice to people who appear to be afraid of their own shadows by being friendly. But I suppose since all you do is negative rate everyone's shit and post nothing but crap you wouldn't understand. Would you?
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:54:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
im sorry but that picture made me vomit
no hard feelings
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:36:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"roll model"
So what, you model rolls? What's your specialty, Crescent?
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:34:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
am i going fucking crazy? has society's standards dropped off into unkown depths of sadness? oh "butt kiss make funny statement", this shit is RETARDED. 90% of you will never even fucking meet in the first place, so think about someone else other than you making stupid fucking "i want to do you" cracks? a blog that's right. write a few average pieces, camwhore your larger than average boobs, and you could look like the fucking lizard man for christ sake. i'm not saying that your are disgusting, but jesus christ your ego must be the size of japan, walking around the mall thinking your hot shit when your not. throw that up on hotornot.com and see what happens. i got a 5, if you can beat me i will officially leave this site forever.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-06 14:13:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Quit giving me that "I want a fat DonovanMD cumshot all over my face right FUCKING NOW!!" look.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-06 14:37:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Jugsy Needsabeer. That's classic.
Some funny lines in this one.
-----------------------------
I love you guys
Kisses & BJ's for everyone. Except for Jeanneee, she gets a special treat!
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-04-06 14:43:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Give me a call, we'll get wasted.
AA didn't help me, that's for sure
http://www.ubersite.com/m/58975
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-06 14:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and I was going to respond to your invitation with, "I'd like to go with you to Cancun but my internet wife wouldn't like it," but THEN I noticed that SHE jumped right into your Cancun-inviting arms. Two-timing uber-hussy!!
So, the hell with her! Take me instead. I have a penis. If you're into that sort of thing.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-06 14:37:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jugsy Needsabeer. That's classic.
Some funny lines in this one.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-04-06 14:25:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd be glad to go with you...but my wife doesn't let me date
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-06 14:13:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quit giving me that "I want a fat DonovanMD cumshot all over my face right FUCKING NOW!!" look.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-06 14:12:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I wasn't going to new orleans this weekend, it could have been the best trip of your life.
Have fun.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-06 13:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh. Not quite enough to care about....
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:58:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in desperate need of a vacation. Choose me!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you can dance if you want to, you can leave your friends behind. Cause if your friends dont dance, well if they dont dance well they are no friends of mine.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd do ya...
...in the pooper.
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your eeeeeeeeyyyyyeeeeeeessssssssss, they are piercing my souuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullllllllllllll!!!
er.
Have fun!
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:20:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you need a plastic surgeon.
just fucking with ya, nice jew nose!
Submitted by jakesak (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for wearing a DYE visor.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know where I'd cum first on your huge tits or your face.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Take me.
I'll drink too much, treat you like shit and give you a half assed fuck at the end of the day.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I can't sing for shit!
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:11:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack Daniels has sucessfully stolen a large part of my liver
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:10:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll go......
Show us yer tits!
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have a show in NYC on saturday, otherwise I'd be "All up in dat cancun shit!"
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:07:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've been to Cancun twice in the last 20 years and all I can say is, that it fucking rocks.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK NO.
Just kidding.
Karaoke is the bane of my existance. Yet, I always end up getting hammered and getting dragged away from it.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:07:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
jesus christ, people have a few drinks in america and there are no shortage of people queuing up to tell you to join AA.
I would rather die of liver bursting chirosis than go to AA.
The smug psuedo-religious self satisfaction of those cunts makes me want to take my disease liver out of my body via my nose and insert it into their rectums via my boot.
ask phinch to go to cancun, he's mexican.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Take me. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:06:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have forsaken the karaoke god.
I would go to Cancun with you if I could.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:06:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't know why but here's a +. I guess my erection is now doing my thinking for me.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
two bars to check out in cancun...
carlos and charlie's and senor frogs
If you see Juan tell him I said "hi" and "thanks for the crabs"
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:04:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be your date!
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
FUCK NO
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-06 12:03:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy bigger then I wanted picture!!!