Sex Appeal (1513 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.6 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <EAZEDZT.at.AOL.COM> (View user info) at 2005-04-06 17:15:20 EDT
For every type of man there is a type of woman that is attracted to him. I find this odd but true.
For me it has always been the large ladies. If I wanted to get laid any given night (I could) but she'd be a fatty.
Before I continue a little about myself. I am average in looks and size (weight), have an outgoing personality and am actually fun to be around. I married a beautiful petite lady. So it has always been weird to me that the Oprah's of the world unite when it comes to me.
I walk into a dark bar and the only woman that checks me out is the heifer that is blocking the light. They give a little wink or a smile. And I'm not talking about girls a little on the hefty side. These girls are professional land whales. 5'-5" 265lbs - up to 1/4 ton wide bodies.
(As an aside, why is that these ladies either dress fit to kill all the time in outfits that would blind Stevie Wonder or so skimpy you are seeing more skin than a Tannery.
They all TRULY believe that they are hot and ALL men desire them. Don't argue with them about it. You are liable to receive a BBQ rib up side the head.)
So I've been grabbed, propositioned called 'stuck up' just because I refuse to lose myself in the mass of womanhood that is them. Believe me I'm not the pickiest guy in the world
A hole is a hole when wrapped properly. But you have to be at least semi excited. And I find no excitement in watching Shamu take of her thong.
Between bartending, playing music and being a drinker I spend my fair share of time in bars. My wife has commented about and mentioned other women. After being married for 11 yrs she is quite okay with the situation.
One time we were at a local bar and a white rhino had me in her sights. It was obvious I was 'with' my wife. We were with our friends drinking and dancing. This girl was so forward she grabs me in the dance floor and starts grinding herself against me. First off even sober it would have been hard to keep balance. This is like having a large boar rubbing against your legs. Each beat of the music threw at least 200 lbs at my hips.
I am dealing with this, while at the same time my wife is laughing so hard she almost falls down.
I finally am able to convince the lovely darling that I am not interested in her brand of love. She proceeds to berate my manhood, taste in women and lineage. As soon as her volume gets up to a deafening level we have three large women surrounding us like a Sioux war party The problems continue on so bad that we finally decide to call it a night.
Later that evening my wife apologized for her behavior.
"I never should have laughed like that' She says still laughing.
"But I was worried that maybe you were meeting women at the bars
"You know I'd never cheat on you." I say sincerely.
"Well after seeing you with that girl ... well ... I'm not worried about you cheating"
"But I better pay up your life insurance "
User Reviews
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-12-08 14:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I never think about it until it hits me. I write off the cuff I guess.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2005-12-08 13:49:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a little behind on this, but I laughed. Awesome. Why don't you post more stuff like this?
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2005-11-18 03:22:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha! "professional land whales" I'm keeping that one.
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-11-18 02:43:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
=@
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-11-09 17:46:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what the hell man if they are comin at you
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-23 01:59:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How 'bout them fatties?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-29 10:54:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-07 12:09:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Just wear a "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt every time you go out. Problem solved.
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I used to have a "borrrowed" street sign that said "Weight Limit 10 Tons" hanging in my bedroom.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2005-04-29 10:42:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 simply for...
"And I find no excitement in watching Shamu take of her thong."
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-04-29 10:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
fat girls like me.
not the beach whale variety. but the mildy obese sort.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-04-28 10:13:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/65146
lovin' the colour pink...
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-04-12 10:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice.
And if you liked that, you should read this... http://www.ubersite.com/m/64084
Submitted by hoojAmAphut (user info) at 2005-04-07 14:47:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LoL.. Don't feel too bad.. the fatties seem to like me too.. though I've never liked one of them
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-04-07 13:36:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, I'm a white boy.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-07 12:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just wear a "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt every time you go out. Problem solved.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-04-07 11:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ever parked a bicycle in an Aircraft hanger?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-04-07 11:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-07 09:20:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-04-07 02:46:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you of African decent?
-=-=-=-=--=-
More directly: You nigger?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-07 09:08:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"One time we were at a local bar and a white rhino had me in her sights."
I fell off my chair laughing when I read this!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-04-07 02:46:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you of African decent?
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-04-07 02:38:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it, you have a clever wife.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Ahh shit !!
After reading this myself twice my writing sucks.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:06:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, fat women; will you ever learn?
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-04-06 18:50:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:54:45 (#)
Ranking: -1
Fix your writing. Not really entertaining, either. Sorry, thanks for playing though.
_______________
I like the specific comments like they help the most.
Thanks Dog.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:59:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yessss,those large overweight heifers are not much of a turn on.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:54:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Fix your writing. Not really entertaining, either. Sorry, thanks for playing though.
Submitted by Feebleattempt (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny...I have the same problem with worn-out supermarket cashiers.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not so much making fun as retaliating.
These women have caused me great pain and embarassment over the years.
(feel free to use any quip Bob)
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Making fun of fat women has to be one of the most fun things to do.
"Professional land whale"
Great line, can I use it some time?
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Johny
I have a friemd like that. The whores even have serviced him for free.
He has herpes.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have the same exact problem - except for me, they're always prostitutes.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:27:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by IEatLamps (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:20:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for
"So it has always been weird to me that the Oprah's of the world unite when it comes to me"
Although I do also appreciate your wife's initiative on your life insurance.