I only cry alone in bed under the covers with a pillow over my head to mask the sound (1215 hits)
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Submitted by Corn Nugget (View user info) at 2005-04-06 18:39:04 EDT
I hate crying in front of people. The worst feeling in the world is when I feel my throat start to tighten, my eyes start swelling with tears, and face flushes.
I know it's going to come, and I know there is nothing I can do or say to stop it.
Sometimes I cry for "normal" or "good" reasons, and that's not so bad. It's the times I cry for stupid reasons that kills me.
Once the crying starts, even if actual tears aren't involved, my voice raises about 8 octaves. I can't sit it out, either.
Today at work I was stressed out. Most of the stress was stress of a personal nature, mainly revolving around the fact that I just moved back in with my mom.
This stresses me out for one obvious reason- my dad. My parents got in a car accident a few months ago, and dad didn't make it... but most of you know that already. Since dad died, and mom wasn't handling it well, I thought it would be best to move here and help her out.
I wasn't prepared for the emotionality of the move. I wasn't prepared to sit in the living room and expect my dad to come in and talk to me. I didn't think about the little things I'd find laying around that reminded me of him. Whenever someone calls I hear his voice on our answering machine. Telemarketers call and ask for him. He stares at me from the family portrait on the wall.
I also wasn't expecting my mom to affect me so much. She's depressed, crabby, irrational, emotional and demanding. She nags and bitches and cries. In order to help ease HER pain, I just let everything go... I shoulder all the yelling and complaints without comment. I know she's miserable, and I moved here to help her, not make her more angry.
Of course the drive to work is terrible now... it's almost an hour. Conveniently they have started having meetings every week at 7am on my scheduled day off. That means I drive for a hour, meet for two hours, and then drive an hour back home.
Oh, and my sister is getting married at the end of the month, and I'm her maid of honor. That means I'm bogged down with shower plans, family contacts, bachelorette party plans, dress fittings, flower picking, etc etc etc ...
And then there is Jami's wedding in June, which I'm in, too. Even though I'm not in the exalted spot of "maid of honor", this wedding planning is much more time consuming. Jami is a bit frou-frou-y, and much more demanding of my time... things like "group pedicures" and "make up pow-wow"s.
But lets get back to me crying at work. I was late for the THIRD DAY IN A ROW today. I'm never ever ever late... I'm impatient and punctual, and lateness stresses me out. This week was a fluke.
Usually I work at 1pm on Mondays. Apparently THIS monday I was supposed to be in at 10. Woops.
I knew I had to work at 7am on Tuesday morning. I do not know why I didn't wake up until ten after 6, but that's when I got up. Then traffic was a mess, I got stuck behind some sort of tractor, etc... I was 20 minutes late on Tuesday.
Wednesday morning the alarm never went off. I do believe I forgot to set it. I was half an hour late today.
That alone stressed me out... LATE THREE TIMES!
I got called into the bosses office, and he tells me I have an attendance problem. Yeah, I was late three out of three days this week... with no excuse. I will own up to that.
"But no, I mean, you have a history of attendance problems" he says.
"No I don't!" was my quick retort as he pulls out my employee file.
He flips through a few pages, and pulls out a crinkly white paper. He pushes it towards me. It was a write-up I received on 4-20-04 for being ten minutes late to work.
"Dude, that was last year..." I frown at him as he continues with his diatribe on my behavioral problems.
"You were twenty minutes late to work on 2-5-05, too... I checked the timeclock." he says with raised eyebrows.
"That was my first day at this store, Mike." I remember the date that I started, but I don't remember being late. I mean, who's late on their first day at a new store? Not me. I'd remember that for sure.
"Yep, and you were late."
"I wasn't!"
"Time clock says you were."
"I swear to god!" I haven't reached the crying part yet... I'm annoyed, confused, and cornered, but not crying. For whatever reason, this phrase made the waterworks start:
"So, tell me... what's wrong? You don't like working here, I can tell."
Tight throat. Pursed lips. My face is hot and I'm starting to sweat. My eyes start tingling. One lone tear skids down my cheek.
I hate that tear.
This hatred of crying is my dads fault.
His favorite phrase was, "Stop crying NOW, or I'll give you something to cry about!!!". One sunny spring day he and I were playing football in our back yard. He threw the ball to me, I caught it wrong, and it hurt my finger.
I tried not to cry. He told me I was a wimp if I cried, "Be strong! You have to be strong!", I swallowed my tears, and continued to play ball with him.
The next day my finger had swollen to the size of a hotdog, and was a beautiful shade of purple. Mom took me to the E.R. It was fractured.
When my first love broke my heart I cried. Dad said, "Corinne, it's just a PERSON. There are millions- no BILLIONS of people out there in the world, how dare you dis-service yourself by letting someone else affect you that much. Have some pride." At 13 that was hard to understand... but I did stop crying to impress my father.
Anyway, I hate crying. If there was one thing I would change about myself, I'd make it so I could control WHEN I cried. Sometimes crying is good, so I wouldn't want to erradicate CRYING from my life, but public crying sucks worse than Rush Limbaugh.
User Reviews
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-04-07 11:20:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my boyfriend saw me cry for the first time last weekend... he was so freaked out because he'd never seen it before that he didn't know what to do. Ended up patting me on the ass and wandering off into the kitchen.
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-07 10:54:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm late everyday... I have been for almost 2 years.
it's just a job. fuck 'em.
your boss should be more understanding. I can't believe he wrote it down in your file.
Submitted by CLAIRE1 (user info) at 2005-04-07 10:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember when I was 15 and my sister got shot. I did not cry. My girlfriend dumped me that same day because she said she could not be with someone that insesetive. The thing is, I am not insesetive. I have just always felt that crying solves nothing.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-07 10:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:51:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:08:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've only cried 3 times in the past 10 years.
One was when my Grandfather died, the next was when I saw Blow for the first time and number three was when my Husky died.
*************************************
Hmmm. One of these things is not like the other.
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sorry but...
hahahaha
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-07 10:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"So, tell me... what's wrong? You don't like working here, I can tell."
what a dick. how about some sympathy for the fact that your family is just
putting itself back together after a trajic accident and you just made a major move?
attendence problems? you were late, what, twice in two years?
everyone is late now and then...
again, what a dick.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-04-07 10:10:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm late at least twice a week. My bosses have learned to live with the fact that my starting time is between 7AM to noon.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-04-07 09:51:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:07:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Words of wisdom go here.
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Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-07 09:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hang in there. It will pass.
Start sending out resumes to jobs closer to your mom. That commute is going to kill you.
Submitted by Single (user info) at 2005-04-07 09:04:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry got bored about half way down. From what I did read - I feel for you on a few things - especially the mum stress. They fuck you up your mum and dad. Ignore the cunts! You didn't ask to be born.
My mum taught me how to sware by the way!
Anyway, chin up - pillow on and don't forget to breathe
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-04-07 08:47:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-07 08:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I cry when I chop onions.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-04-07 06:13:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't listen to these people Corn.
You're not the most important thing. I AM!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-07 06:12:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-04-06 22:58:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
aww pent... dude.
I'm taking your advice. You just said one of those "duh" things... one of those things that I wish I had believed and said EARLIER.
Lets have babies. Wait, that might be difficult.
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Bwahahahaha...indeed.
Sometimes we're too caught up in other stuff to remember the "duh" things. I used to hate crying in front of other people, and I finally got to the point where I stopped caring about what everyone else thought and stopped caring about making everyone else happy and started worrying about ME.
YOU come first. Always rememeber that.
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2005-04-07 06:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"So, tell me... what's wrong? You don't like working here, I can tell."
I'd have been immediately fired for saying, "No, I like working here just fine. It's you I don't like, shitface." If I knew you and was your friend, I'd give you a shoulder and a tissue. Since I don't and am not, I'll just say I hope things smooth out soon.
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-04-07 05:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-06 18:44:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww. This made me sad.
I hope you feel better, Corrine. And don't feel bad about crying. You'd have to be made of stone to not burst into tears at some point, with all the stress you're under. I think you're handling it as well as anyone could expect you to.
Isn't it strange how all these coincidences happen over such a short space of time? I try and make it a point if I am late to pick a day were I will not go out, stay at home and exercise, eat well and maybe watch a film and go to bed early.
Then get up an hour earlier than you should, take your time getting ready in an unhurried fashion, beat the traffic and arrive calmly half an hour early. If spotted you will earn kudos by humbly admitting that you were late yesterday. It is worth giving it a go.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-07 05:56:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I cry way too much, for a guy that's a pretty bad thing to admit. My new car broke down only a day after I'd bought it off my brother. I seriously had to hold back the tears and swallow a few times before I could dial the recovery people, who then charged me a shitty ammount of money.
I know I'm a pussy.
I find I get really hormonal sometimes, I think maybe I spend so much time with my girlfriend that I'm turning into a woman, yeah that's it.
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-04-07 05:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-06 18:44:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww. This made me sad.
----
I love crying, it feels really good once it's out. So what if people see your pain? We're humans, we all do it. Usually we do it in private, yes, but on those days when it just gets to be too much, don't hold back. Nobody's judging you.
Submitted by Nie_ein_Engel (user info) at 2005-04-07 05:13:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bosses are assmasters.
Submitted by bobotheclown (user info) at 2005-04-07 04:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
apullo is getting married, and you are the maid of honour???????????
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-04-07 03:42:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redzone (user info) at 2005-04-06 23:57:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-06 23:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jami sounds like a bitch.. all i had my girls do is show up in a dress the same color... i told them to pick their favorite style and shoes, just all the same color... lemon chiffon!!! with purple ruffles!!!
no, but really, it's was a nice color... red, and they could get a 2 piece to wear it again without looking too much like a bridesmaid.. it's bad enough they have to pay for the dresses...
weddings suck...
Submitted by garcon_fou (user info) at 2005-04-06 23:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-04-06 22:08:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Not to be insincere or anything, but if you read this replacing the word 'crying' with 'cumming' it gets funnier and funnier.
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Ok, not to distract from your heartfelt post, but holy crap that's hilarious.
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-06 22:59:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can totally relate... everyone I know thinks girls cry all the time, that we feel normal if we do.. I didnt' cry at my wedding, I don't cry at other poeple's weddings.. I hate crying, unless it's me by myself.. then I let it all out for the times I couldn't cry in public..
One time I cried at work during lunch... I had just gotten a call from my mom and she said my dad was in the hospital having emergency heart surgery... I must of had a look of awful pain, because everyone kept asking "what's wrong? what's wrong?" which is what always leads to tears.. just let me be damn it.. I like to hold it in until it's proper... I felt so embarrassed...
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-04-06 22:58:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
aww pent... dude.
I'm taking your advice. You just said one of those "duh" things... one of those things that I wish I had believed and said EARLIER.
Lets have babies. Wait, that might be difficult.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-06 22:32:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The reason you feel bad is because we're taught that crying in front of other people is shameful.
Fuck society. Do whatever will make you feel better.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-04-06 22:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
=/
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-04-06 22:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-04-06 22:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not to be insincere or anything, but if you read this replacing the word 'crying' with 'cumming' it gets funnier and funnier.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-04-06 21:11:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:51:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:08:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've only cried 3 times in the past 10 years.
One was when my Grandfather died, the next was when I saw Blow for the first time and number three was when my Husky died.
*************************************
Hmmm. One of these things is not like the other.
------------------------------------
I don't know why but this made me LOLOLOL.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-06 20:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I can't +2 "death" but I truly feel bad for you and your loss. I lost a dad early...55 years young- and I miss the old codger.
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2005-04-06 20:36:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no comment
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-04-06 20:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was great, BUT
I thought you needed to resolve the part with your boss in the story.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-04-06 20:17:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was late because I was sleeping.
I was also having second thoughts about meeting you guys. Internet people are weird.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You... punctual?
Never woulda guessed that from the first time I met ya.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:08:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've only cried 3 times in the past 10 years.
One was when my Grandfather died, the next was when I saw Blow for the first time and number three was when my Husky died.
*************************************
Hmmm. One of these things is not like the other.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, everything is fine with my job... I unloaded on my boss, telling him all my problems (another thing I NEVER do to people I dont know well... outside of uber), and he said "Oh, okay I understand... can you sign here on the line?"
I got written up, but it doesn't matter. Two write ups in two years... woopy.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I cried when the Red Wings lost in the playoffs to the Calgary Flames. I just sat there and cried. I kept expecting the CBC cameras to pan to me and I'd be the laughing stock of the country.
You don't know public humilation until you're being eyed by everyone in your section as you quietly sob in your seat. Didn't help that I had three beers that night...three stadium beers. They fuck you up.
Anywho, keep yer chin up, kiddo.
Submitted by Howie_Felter (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:28:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What happened with your job? Did the crying help you keep it? If so, I would think you'd like crying now! :)
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:12:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What can I say? I thought you were a dude...
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've only cried 3 times in the past 10 years.
One was when my Grandfather died, the next was when I saw Blow for the first time and number three was when my Husky died.
I'm not big on emotions.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Words of wisdom go here.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:06:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-04-06 18:52:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Crying in front of people takes getting used to, I hate it too, but I've gotten better about it, and it really is cathartic to just let it go no matter who is looking.
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You read my mind, Lojope.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-04-06 18:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't cry...have a +2, thats the best I can do for you.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-04-06 18:52:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crying in front of people takes getting used to, I hate it too, but I've gotten better about it, and it really is cathartic to just let it go no matter who is looking.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-04-06 18:52:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-06 18:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww. This made me sad.
I hope you feel better, Corrine. And don't feel bad about crying. You'd have to be made of stone to not burst into tears at some point, with all the stress you're under. I think you're handling it as well as anyone could expect you to.