Cover Letter (References Available Upon Request) (1819 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.47 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (View user info) at 2005-04-07 13:49:49 EDT
A friend of mine recently became unemployed. He asked me to look over a cover letter for a position he is interested in. I told him I'd take a look:
April 6, 2005
The Vatican
00120 Via del Pellegrino
Citta del Vaticano, Italy
Dear Assembled Cardinals (Catholic, not St. Louis),
I am writing you today concerning the recent opening for the post of
Pope of the global Catholic Church that you posted on Craigslist,
Vatican City. I believe I would make an excellent candidate for this
position. I recently left a position at EF Education in Cambridge, MA
where I daily asked myself theological questions such as "Is there
really a God?" and "If there is a God, would he really make someone
suffer in a position like this for so little pay?"
I see that your requirements to become His Holiness include a working
knowledge of biblical text and the ability to wear very tall hats.
Well, on the first point, I regularly attended Sunday school for the
first seventeen years of my life and although the pastor of my church
was driven from the pulpit because of an extramarital affair, I feel I
developed an excellent grasp on the stories of the Bible. Even though
I've never read that monstrosity cover to cover, I think I understand
the basic plot. As far as the hats go, I have always had a nicely
shaped head and have been commended on my prowess for wearing a wide
variety of extreme headwear. On the same note, my skin tone lends
itself nicely to garments of white, although I would like see some
more blues and maybe some earth tones incorporated into the Papal
wardrobe.
I also have excellent interpersonal and organizational skills that
would help me thrive as the new Pontiff. Strangers tend to kiss my
hand on a regular basis and I can tell you I really excel in these
situations and have truly honed my public speaking skills as President
of my senior class in high school and am easily the loudest of my
friends. As far as the requirement of celibacy is concerned, I can
first say that I am sure that I am more chaste than most of the
priests in Boston archdiocese, and of the women whom I have known in
the Biblical sense, I think we would all agree that most of them I
wouldn't mind forgetting, in the Biblical sense. So hopefully we can
overlook this outdated requirement.
Finally, you'll be happy to hear that I took Latin all through high
school and even an upper level course in college and I truly believe
that if I am re-immersed with those guard guys with the Mardi Gras
outfits, the language will come right back to me. I also can speak
Italian and can type over 70 w.p.m., but don't hold me to that 45
years from now. One final thing; you may find out during my
background check that I dabbled in atheism while in college but I can
tell you that sentiment has since evaporated as I have been unemployed
in this Republican befuddled economy. I am again of the belief that
there must be a higher power of true goodness that opposes the likes
of George W. Bush. There just has to be... to balance the universe.
Well, for these reasons and many more I wouldn't like to discuss in
this letter (i.e. hot, young Italian nuns), I feel I would make a
perfect candidate as the new Holy Father of the Catholic Church. I
have included a copy of my resume with this letter and I look forward
to hearing from a member of the conclave very soon. Good luck in your
search and God bless.
Sincerely,
Patrick "Il Papa" Tucker
P.S. Even if you don't believe I would be right for this position, I
am still interested in the fully furnished studio apartment with the
gold inlay bed and balcony overlooking Rome that I found in another
section of Craigslist, Vatican City. If you could let me know how
much the security deposit and monthly rent in American dollars would
be, I would love to come by some evening and check out the place, see
the area and meet the roommates. Thanks and have a great day.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-07 18:51:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
dude, you need to be a LVL 4 Arch-Bishop before you can change classes...
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2005-04-07 18:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DeadHorse (user info) at 2005-04-07 14:07:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, man.
---
(I'd hire him)
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-04-07 17:25:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to say you've been kicking ass lately. and by kicking ass, I mean making me laugh.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-04-07 15:09:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dunno I think I'm going to get the job... http://www.ubersite.com/m/63720
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-04-07 15:01:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-07 15:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha...I was ready to take this seriously.
Go Yanks!
Submitted by The_Fan (user info) at 2005-04-07 14:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't speak for the Vatican, but there's an opening for an assistant manager at the Denny's where I work and based on your post I think you would be way cooler to work for than the last guy.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-07 14:37:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-04-07 14:17:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
By the way, the author of this letter is a huge Red Sox fan.
-----------------------------------
Cambridge, MA That's where I was born baby yeah!!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-07 14:32:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-07 14:24:09 (#)
Ranking: 1
HAR HAR POPE
*giggles*
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-04-07 14:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-07 14:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
HAR HAR POPE
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-04-07 14:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not sure that your ability to convince women to do anal should be filed under "charismatic speaker", but then what do I know.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-04-07 14:22:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha, that rocked. Dude.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-07 14:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-04-07 14:17:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-04-07 14:17:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By the way, the author of this letter is a huge Red Sox fan.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-07 14:10:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha! this is cute.
Submitted by DeadHorse (user info) at 2005-04-07 14:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, man.