I heart Retards (699 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -0.59 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ben nelson <benjamindover.at.gmail.com (View user info) at 2005-04-07 16:18:13 EDT
In high school, I was a pretty fucked up dude. My daily schedule consisted of going to first period late, then tracking down and abusing as many controlled substances as possible throughout the day. One day that will live in infamy forever was the day the retarded guy that bought alcohol for me, was arrested. Oh what a tragedy (the no alcohol part, not the arrest part).
I was only 17 and not legal to buy alcohol, so I found a retard alcoholic named Jeff that would get it for me(the story of how I met him is long, and involves my stealing beer from a 7-11.. but that is neither here nor there..).Anyway, I would simply go to his mom's house, pick him up and run him to the liquor store. He was just happy to have a "friend", and someone to run him to the liquor store... I didn't mind that he occasionally urinated on himself or the fact that he smelled like a rotting deer carcass. I wanted my $9 gallon of montego bay rum god damnit! This had gone on pretty much every day for the past few months. Somehow (maybe the fact that I was always drunk) word got out that I could get liquor. I turned into the supplier for about 25 people in the school, sometimes making 2 and 3 runs to the liquor store daily. I didn't mind since I was already dealing over a pound of weed a week to these bastards. This went on for a while, and I think the clerks got suspicious that a mongoloid was buying 4 gallons of cheap ass vodka and rum several times a day.
It was a Monday afternoon and I dropped him off at the liquor store with $150 to get some shit, I pulled into the bar next door to wait for him. On his way out, 3 cops walked up to him, and he bolted. I was fucking hilarious to see this retard trying to run with 2 arms full of liquor, he ran with a gimp limp and I even heard a guttural "derrrrr"(corky from "life goes on" style), and he didn't even drop the bags. It brought a tear to my eye that he was protecting my liquor. After about 30 yards they tackled him to the ground, he freaked out, it was a blur of flailing arms and cheap liquor splashing onto the parking lot. I sat and watched as they hog tied him and threw him in the back of the cruiser, I hope those cops has plastic covers on their leather seats, because I could already see the piss dripping from him. That was the last time I saw Jeff.
I went back to my "clients" empty handed, they were pissed. So I had the brilliant idea to try out some other substances to get fucked up. The 4 of us drove to Wal-Mart. In the pharmacy we each stuffed 2 boxes of marazine (travel sickness pills), and 2 boxes of robotussin down our pants and casually strolled out the door. Now, I don't know if you have ever taken robo or marazine, or both together, but the results are like giving your self a frontal lobotomy with nunchucks.
We each washed 2 full boxes of marazine down with 2 bottles of robo, I felt a little funny. Fuck that! I wanted to feel a lot funny! I downed another bottle of robo, this was all within a 15min period. After about 15more minutes I felt ALOT funny. My face exploded with purple projectile vomit, a lot of it ending up on my bad ass "no fear" shirt, and down the side of my primer grey 72' duster.
Apparantly I passed out shortly there after. I woke up a few hours later surrounded by greenish fuzz; I must have passed out on the lawn. I attempted to stand up but my arms and legs were reversed, I would move my left leg and my right arm would move, and vice versa. I spent the next half our or so, standing and falling down, learning to walk again. After I figured it out, I scaled the blades of grass that had somehow grown Grand Canyon tall around me. I gimped it up the stairs onto my friend's front porch, and stabbed my hand at the door knob. 3 failed attempts to hit the door knob, and I finally caught it. It only took me about 15minutes to figure out how to turn in. I dodged the carpet fibers as they grew out of the floor and attacked me. Inside the bedroom I found 2 of my friends sitting on the bed Indian style... butt naked. I stood in awe as they stared in each others eyes, staring contest style and rubbed each others ball sacks. I didn't know what was happening, and didn't really care to know. I figured if they were as fucked up as I was, it was just a good thing that they weren't out in the neighborhood anally raping animals and beating people with large porcelain dildos. I looked around the house for the other missing friend, carefully stepping on the carpet so as not to wake it. I found him on the telephone... with his dead grandmother. He looked up at me and said "hey snuffaluffagus" that didn't seem strange at all, and all I managed to state in response was "me like peanut". This continued for 24hrs or so. I was lucky if I could string together 3 words. "dis no good" and "food good" were 99% of my vocabulary. I was caught by my parents while urinating in the oven. My parents believed I had some sort of brain damage and were going to get a cat scan, luckily the drugs wore off.
I believe this whole experience was karma trying to show me that being brain damaged or retarded is fun and that I should fuck with, and take advantage of retards like Jeff more frequently.
User Reviews
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-04-07 22:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bollocks, en tabarnak!
Submitted by Zackstersmackster (user info) at 2005-04-07 22:36:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was pretty goddam funny, esp. the parts about the 2 guys rubbing ballsacks and the
porcelain dildo!
Submitted by tragiksaint (user info) at 2005-04-07 19:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
don't care if it was that fake or not, it made me laugh.
Submitted by Bayley (user info) at 2005-04-07 17:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
funny but FAKE!
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2005-04-07 17:24:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hurt retards.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-04-07 17:23:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-04-07 17:18:47 (#)
Ranking: -1
only a -1 because I liked the homoerotic parts
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Classic.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-04-07 17:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
only a -1 because I liked the homoerotic parts
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-04-07 17:07:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-04-07 17:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
sniff, sniff...
I smell bullshit.
how was the drama club, deek?
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-04-07 16:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
not really a full +2, but it cracked me up a couple times and you could use some help counteracting all those negative ratings.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-04-07 16:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
In high school, I was a pretty fucked up dude. My daily schedule consisted of going to first period late, then tracking down and abusing as many controlled substances as possible throughout the day.
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I stopped reading after that
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-07 16:38:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
1 lb a week?
Nigga pleeeease
Submitted by Feebleattempt (user info) at 2005-04-07 16:31:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh. Fuck these guys Ben. It made me laugh.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-07 16:24:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Meh.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2005-04-07 16:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bart: Can I be a boozehound?
Homer: Not till you're 15.
Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)ocious
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-04-07 16:21:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Go suck a fuck, retard.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-07 16:19:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Well, you probably have to make do with a lot of self love, if you catch my drift.