Soft Packs (770 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: ocd
Rating: 1.79 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Corn Nugget (View user info) at 2005-04-08 01:10:06 EDT
Why do soft-pack cigarettes exist?
The problems with soft-packs:
If you put them in your pocket and sit down you end up mashing all of your cigarettes.
If you put them in your purse cigarettes fall out of the gash in the top of the pack and get mashed around with your sunglasses and chapstick.
If you're not careful, you will accidentally throw out the pack while there is still one errant cigarette stuck deep inside.
Tobacco falls out all over, no matter what.
Bugs can fly in a half smoked pack. I've never had this happen, but I'm sure it is highly possible. That is, if you somehow got stuck in the middle of a swarm.
The packaging is soft.
The ONLY good thing about soft-packs is when you throw your "empty" pack away, and then you think, "Oh, I should make ABSOLUTLY sure there isn't a cigarette left in there", and you retrieve it from the garbage and poke around inside the hole with your finger... and LO AND BEHOLD there is one cigarette clinging to the back corner of the pack.
One more cigarette... what a treat!
*****
Why does poop sometimes come out of my cats butt for no apparent reason?
She'll jump up on my bed, I'll push her down, and oooop!! Poop squirts out. I swear to god, it's so gross.
Maybe she needs her anal glands cleaned.
Not only does she have full anal glands that like to empty out whenever I'm least expecting it... I'm also allergic to her.
If I pet her and then touch my eyes, my eyes itch and swell shut. So of course I know better than to rub my cat before rubbing my eyes. However, I have no control over where she chooses to sleep.
Recently she developed a habit of sleeping right near my face. Of course I'm SLEEPING when she curls up next to me, so I don't know to move (or push her away, because, seriously, what if her poop were to squirt on me while I was sleeping?) her until I wake up sneezing and itching itching itching.
*****
Why are the most popular authors TERRIBLE at their trade? Koontz, King, Steele, Roberts, etc etc etc... they spew a bunch of complete sentences together and VIOLA! We have a bestseller on our hands. Not to mention there is no beauty to their writing, the ending is predictable, and the characters are undeveloped.
Seriously, talk about appealing to the lowest common denominator.
I will admit that I love Anne Rice. She is the ONLY mainstream author that I like. I'm even embarrassed to admit to liking her, since being mainstream must mean you appeal to the lowest common denominator...
So I guess I am in that demographic. I'm low and common, and I denominate.
*****
Why do people insist on standing STILL on escalators and those moving walkways at the airport? Fucking WALK assholes. Or if you really can't walk or really don't want to walk, just get the fuck over to the right side so I can go by without having to say "excuse me" five times before you hear me and slowly get the hell out of my way while forgetting to move your god damn bag or child so I have to move it/them for you.
I just don't get that. Everyone is always in a rush... UNTIL they reach those god damn moving structures. They will RUN through the airport, get on that belt, and stand there while it takes them to the other end of the hallway at .05 mph.
*****
And cashiers/otherpeoplewhogivechange, take note: When giving change to someone (this applies EXPECIALLY at the drive through windows), give them the COINS first, and THEN the bills. Because when you put the coins ON the bills they just slip and slide and get lost and further annoy the person who is receiving the change.
If the coins are given first, they sit nicely in the persons palm, and then the bills can be secured by their thumb, and all would be well.
*****
Don't tell me that smoking is bad for me. You KNOW I already know this, and all you're accomplishing by reminding me of my eminent illness and death is a self-righteous pride at being a non-smoker.
I don't care if you don't smoke. I mean, I CARE... good for you and all... and I won't blow smoke your way or light up while you're eating or smoke in your car... so stop acting like you care that I smoke.
Do you go up to people at the beach and remind them of the dangers of sun exposure?
Do you knock on the window of the semi-truck to encourage the driver to stand up for our environment?
Do you march through McDonalds and lambaste everyone for saturating their bodies with fatty foods?
NO YOU DON'T.
And if you do, rock on, I'd like to meet you, because you seem funny.
*****
I painted this damn indian on the basement wall the other night because I was angry. I haven't finished the feathers or done his eyes yet, and I probably never will.
User Reviews
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-10 17:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It would seem that soft packs exist so you burn through your cigarettes faster. You crush them, lose them, whatever, you have to buy more quicker. And so, you are turned into tobacco's helpless bitch.
I think King definitely has his moments of greatness.
Stop squeezing or touching your cat. For god's sake, that's not normal. Although...now that I think about it, you could turn her into a horrible projectile weapon. Just don't let her crap for a few days, then take her out, aim her ass at someone you don't like, lift the tail and give her a good squeeze. Say hello to my feline fecal cannon! Fun for all!
Except the person covered in catshit.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-04-08 18:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-04-08 04:07:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate the snobbish dismissal of popular success that is currently fashionable, it smacks of jealousy.
Carry on.
.....
erm, we all have our little snobberies
for example, i know a large liverpudlian bufoon who sneered at seinfeld, without even seeing it!
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-04-08 18:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have too much fucking time on your hands.
Take your fucking cat to the Vet.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-08 17:57:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anne Rice - yes
soft packs - yes
Stephen King - no? he's great! just not your preferred style maybe?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-04-08 13:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your cat disgusts me.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-04-08 10:57:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
alright alright perhaps King is a better writer than I had previously believed.
You see, my hatered of Kings books centers around Pet Cemetary. I don't like seeing animals hurt.
I know I know, shut the hell up.
***
Apollo... that part may very well smack of psydo-intellecutalism, but it's at the forefront of my mind right now, since the only reading matierial in this house is Koontz, King, Steele, Roberts, etc... and the bookstore seems too far away right now. So I've been reading this trash (minus the King stuff, because like I said, I have an aversion to him) and it's annoying me, yet I'm COMPELLED to read anything I haven't read before, so I'm stuck in this perpetual hell of sorts.
I'm still not going to read the King stuff.
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-08 10:49:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was a nice rant... I agree with most of it, especially the change thingy and the moving walkings. And yes, they do bounce, and I think they are fun. The only part that sucks is when you get to the end after running all the way down and the ground stops moving or being boucy. Then again, I'm not very coordinated.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-08 10:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by etbeliever (user info) at 2005-04-08 09:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ever notice how airport moving walkways are springy? You can kind of moon run along them bouncing... First thing in the morning's best as no people in the way....seeing as I always take the cheapest ass flights around no problem there then.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-08 09:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You should call your kitty Colgate. Just think about squeezing a tube of toothpaste.
Stephen King is actually a brilliant writer. Leaps and bounds better than you, my pretty little friend.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-08 09:02:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I used to smoke I always got soft packs for three reasons.
1. When you're drunk you can easily spot your pack on the table, or wherever you left it.
2. You can flick the wrist with one hand and make one pop out, which you have to admit, is pretty fucking cool.
3. Yea I have no idea why I said three when I actually ony had two reasons.
Smoking is bad mmmmkayyy
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-08 08:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because you paint indians when you are angry.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-08 08:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Soft packs suck. Is there a price advantage to buying them or something? You know, less packaging material maybe. The only way to keep a soft pack is to get one of those gay containers for them. Soft packs suck.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-04-08 08:07:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Soft pack: right on
Change: right on
Yelling at people for eating fat food: word
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-04-08 07:39:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Would be plus 2 but I have to disagree on the King thing too. I think he develops his characters very well (well maybe not everyone but most). I will not dislike him because he is popular.
Submitted by jack0173 (user info) at 2005-04-08 07:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Soft packs exist because you can't flick a ciggarette out of a box pack and grab it in your mouth before you light it with your Zippo, man nothing makes me feel as cool as that.
An COINS FIRST! Fucking right I hate when they give you notes first. +2 just for that bit.
Submitted by Bayley (user info) at 2005-04-08 07:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why are the most popular authors TERRIBLE at their trade? Koontz, King, Steele, Roberts, etc etc etc... they spew a bunch of complete sentences together and VIOLA! We have a bestseller on our hands. Not to mention there is no beauty to their writing, the ending is predictable, and the characters are undeveloped.
It's dissapointing to see King lumped in there with the rest. Particularly since you mentioned undeveloped characters and lack of beuty. Have you read the Dark Tower Series?
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-04-08 04:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I painted this damn indian on the basement wall the other night because I was angry. I haven't finished the feathers or done his eyes yet, and I probably never will.
just that line, and the pic, would have made a very cool post.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-04-08 04:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why are the most popular authors TERRIBLE at their trade? Koontz, King, Steele, Roberts, etc etc etc... they spew a bunch of complete sentences together and VIOLA! We have a bestseller on our hands. Not to mention there is no beauty to their writing, the ending is predictable, and the characters are undeveloped."""
Bollocks.
Did you buy that from 'Standard Uber Coffee Shop Intellectuals R Us' ?
I hate the snobbish dismissal of popular success that is currently fashionable, it smacks of jealousy.
Carry on.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2005-04-08 03:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-04-08 03:21:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
The change/notes thing. I used to do that when I was a cashier because I was bitter, and I know how FUCKING annoying it is. I used to squish people's bread if they were rude to me, too and jostle the bottles of lemonade a little more vigorously than necessary.
Don't piss off the cashiers, they are experts at ruining your shopping entirely through sleight of hand.
--------
True, that. I had some sort of personal glee whenever I ruined someone's shit, and they didn't notice/couldn't blame me.
Bahaha. Towards the end of my run as a cashier, I got more obvious in my overtures to mess with customers.
I'm horrible at customer service.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-04-08 03:29:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Human truths. You just made me realise that the stuff I think is human truth, and not just me being a grouchy bum.
Can I bear your children?
Wait, I'm a boy......
Marriage then, maybe?
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-04-08 03:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We don't have soft packs in England (as far as I'm aware, I've never seen any) but I can imagine it must be annoying....maybe.
The change/notes thing. I used to do that when I was a cashier because I was bitter, and I know how FUCKING annoying it is. I used to squish people's bread if they were rude to me, too and jostle the bottles of lemonade a little more vigorously than necessary.
Don't piss off the cashiers, they are experts at ruining your shopping entirely through sleight of hand.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-08 03:15:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Soft packs were for the cowboys when they were riding along.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-08 03:00:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha....
Ha ha ha....
Just one more... Ha ha ha...
Oh go on then have another... Ha ha ha
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-04-08 02:27:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If Camel(Reg) or Chesterfields(Reg+King)ever arrive on the
market in a box......I will change my packaging preferences.
Smoke Smoke Smoke that cigarette.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-04-08 01:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And cashiers/otherpeoplewhogivechange, take note: When giving change to someone (this applies EXPECIALLY at the drive through windows), give them the COINS first, and THEN the bills. Because when you put the coins ON the bills they just slip and slide and get lost and further annoy the person who is receiving the change.
________________________________________________
That bothers me so damn much, yet I ALWAYS do it. I don't even know WHY I do it; I mean, I've SEEN the change slide off the bills, yet here I am, still doing it.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-04-08 01:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really fucking hate that change thing. How do so many people know this, yet no one has told a single gas station or fast food restaurant employee?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-04-08 01:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being awake.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-04-08 01:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
soft packs are fucking stupid. that's why they're always out of hard packs so you always get stuck with soft packs because most people are smart enough to NOT BUY THEM. aarrggghhh.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-04-08 01:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so YOUR the girl in the "truth" ads that smokes!
i bet it stunk when billy didn't want to talk to you because of the cigarette. i hope you learned something.
anyway, i have seen a few girls keep their soft packs in the crack of their ass when they are clubbin' maybe those tobacco merchants knew what fashion trends in the 21st century would be like.
.............
if i had a cat that shit next to my head, the next day i would have no cat.
.............
stephen king has his merits. i liked the langoliers. plus, his books tend to spawn great movies.
(though, if they ever release "from a buick 8) i'll leave the country for a while)
....
that's all i got for now.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-04-08 01:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate when i'm forced to buy soft-packs because they are out of hard. YOU FUCKING BELONG TO ME YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR ANYTHING MORE THAN A MONKEY. FROM NOW ON CIGARETTES WILL BE SOLD IN FLASKS BECAUSE I SAID SO, SO FIGURE THAT ONE OUT.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-04-08 01:14:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
[01:14] Delia164: maybe we just suck at life too bad to have soft packs
[01:14] CornNugget 78: that might be true. Everything goes wrong when I get softpacks. Maybe I'll start buying them to encourage me to be more responsible?