Tuna Time (956 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.5 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Derek Blanchard <blanchfor.at.kitty-hawk.navy.mil> (View user info) at 2003-04-15 00:05:08 EDT
I was so hungry one morning I couldn't resist getting into a can of tuna fish I had been saving for quite some time. I got the can out of my rack, then realizing I had no type of tool to get to the delicious meats that lay inside. I looked around for a bit and noticed someone had a gerber (which is a multi-purpose tool something like a swiss army knife). Excellent, now I had what I needed to enjoy the tuna. The only type of can opener tool on the gerber was the one that was designed for cans containing liquid. When I pressed down onto the can with the tool, that oily shit inside splattered all over the place, including inside my rack. Now everything smells like tuna. This is turning out to be a blast already.
I took the tuna can into the head (restroom) so I wouldn't make anymore of a mess with it. People began to walk into the head staring at me, so I thought it best they don't see what I'm doing. I went into one of the stalls so I could be invisible to non-understanding eyes. I proceeded to poke more holes in the can, but after a while the can top just bent down when pressed on. The can was now too weak to support the torque of the can opener tool but took strong for me to try and rip the top off. What did I do? I bent up the open portion of the can as much as I could and I dug in with my pinky finger and went to town. After about 5 pinky dips, my apetite had diminished a bit as I realized I was eating out of a can like a homeless person while standing over a shitter, the very shitter which I curse every single day for existing.
I wasn't finished yet though, not after all the work I put into getting the can opened.
GREED AND POWER OVERTOOK MY FRIVILOUS SOUL
I decided to go in with the index finger so I could get more for my money. Big mistake. The jagged can top sliced my finger wide open, and I yelped like a pathetic child. The once pure tuna of the sea now swmming with my ephridine-rich blood. Curse it all. I threw away the can while thinking of the 30 mintues of my life I had just spent getting four teeny bites of tuna. My sanity began to crumble and I knelt before the toilet bowl and hugged it in panic as I realized:
I WAS STILL VERY HUNGRY, OH SO HUNGRY.
User Reviews
Submitted by MaesterMeat (user info) at 2003-04-15 16:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Tina, I didn't get the package yet. It'll probably take a while, with our mail delivary system and all.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-04-15 16:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh! Wait a minute. It is!
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-04-15 16:04:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for misleading me. The title made it sound like this was going to be a story about nasty puntang.
Submitted by MaesterMeat (user info) at 2003-04-15 15:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
We do (or did) have those tear open bags of tuna, but the can was the only thing I had in my rack ad I was SO HUNGRY. Those tear open bags are *the bomb* but they are too expensive and don't come with enought tuna. It does come with a refreshing mint, though.
Submitted by EvilZurr (user info) at 2003-04-15 15:17:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you shoulda gone canpire on its ass. just bite into it; dont be such a pansie
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2003-04-15 14:42:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Was anyone else relieved when this post didn't contain a picture?
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2003-04-15 14:28:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Poor derek,
Someone should send this man a care package with a box of sanity.
Although I liked the suggestion of the pouch tuna. Would save our poor sailor a cut finger.
-Turtle
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-04-15 14:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Funny stroy, me likey. Ha. lol. booyah!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2003-04-15 13:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i am sorry you could not eat your tuna.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-04-15 11:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I bet you have a really nice rack, Derek.
And I've got to know - drink_DDT - what is your infatuation with drinking sperm? Are you thirsty?
Loren
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-04-15 11:35:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought it was very entertaining. i agree, PAS- this Random Joe character is probably the same one that posted something incredibly stupid shit in my "Peace, my ass!" post. you should read it. it's strange... but he obviously doesn't like the military. it's fine to have your opinion, but there's no reason to knock me or Derek because we are in the military. especially when he doesn't know out motives for joining. he thinks that me and Derek joined because we are loyalists to our "corrupt government." oh, and also, according to him, we are no better than Nazis... Random Joe is a coward and a sheep. ....AND a big smelly pile of shit.
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2003-04-15 08:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe you should try switching to those stay-fresh pouches of tuna that you just rip open. You can even stack large quantities of them like books. Very cool.
Has it not come yet???
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-04-15 02:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Random Joe makes me sick
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-04-15 02:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
And this ladies and gentlemen, is the face of the Americian Military...
Submitted by 9mm_inyourass (user info) at 2003-04-15 02:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You dumb semen...
Submitted by Otter (user info) at 2003-04-15 02:13:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamn Squid!
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2003-04-15 01:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That was pretty well written, but you should have explained how many dolphins die in tuna nets. Then I would have had something to be really happy about.
- + -
drink_cum. . .I mean ddt.
Submitted by chipolatte <thecrazyflowerlady> at 2003-04-15 01:29:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I guess it takes an intelligence of higher than 80 to open a tuna can
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-04-15 01:02:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
THAT'S why I don't eat pork.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-04-15 00:45:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, you scare me sometimes. I think I'm going to send you a pizza or something. Whats the address for the middle of the ocean?