Hickory nut Crunch' God damn, I'm one bad motherfucker. (593 hits)
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Submitted by "Chris the Alcholic Evans" (View user info) at 2005-04-09 14:47:00 EDT
The "Hickory Nut crunch" Chocolaty chewy, coco and nuts"
Uber I was a mean little fucker when I was younger. I used to give kids wedgies, purple nurples, titty twisters, Covered wagons you name it I did it. (Hey that shit is funny to me what? Bitch?) So I'm going to tell you about a time me and my friend James gave this kid a thing called a hickory nut crunch. (James if you ever read this you will know who I am)
I was about 11 years old at the time. In 5th grade. It was the greatest year of my young life. I just started playing baseball and I was the best runner at track and such. I used to go play at my friends neighborhood in the more middle class section of my small town. There was the usual suspects always the crew of us 6 little rug rats running around. Doing fun things like playing crochet through everybody's yard, Push over, Hockey, Vacant lot football. It was fun I tells yah.
I used to hang out with one of my really good friends named James. James was a fat kid. A very fat kid with blond hair and blue eyes. He came from a southern ass country family. Know joke he still spoke with little twangs and shit in his voice. He was Fat just like his brother and his dad. He had big ol' Bitch Tit's as we like to call them. Plus James was the kid I fucked with the most. He was always running his mouth so that would get him a swift punch to the gut, or else a wedgie over his head (I was 11 shit) but we were still close friends. He was just the smartass friend that everyone had and always got smacked when he did stupid shit because you all know kids like that. That's the only way he would shut up and calm down.
Down the street there was this kid named Randy. Now Randy at an early age we could all tell he was going to be a little pretty boy fuck. He was only 2 years younger than us and he was really good at baseball (Majors at 9 years old that's really fucking good) plus he had a rich family. He always had the newest shoes, flyest's Jordan's; He was another dirty blond blue eyed kid. He was an amazing athlete even at our young age. His family and James family were really close. But there was a problem... James hated him. James hated him a lot. Maybe it was because he was skinny(fat boys have skinny envy just the way lesbo's have penis envy) and he was a pretty boy or else it was the fact that James dad was always praising Randy in front of him or else the family outings the would go on but James really did not like his little ass. So one day we were playing baseball and James devised a plan. The conversation went like this...
Chris: what do you want to do today fatty?
James: I thought of something funny. I'm going to "Stomp on Randy's dick"
Chris: Really? Hahahahha that's fucking hilarious (I cussed at that age, yeah I'm a badass) How are you going to do it?
James: I don't know. We need to get him on the ground. Let's give him a Hickory nut crunch'
Chris: What the fuck is that?
James: it's where someone lays on the ground you pull there legs up and you Stomp on there nuts. (Giggling a bit as his belly jiggled)
Chris: Ok let's do it.
So we proceed to go to James backyard and find Randy playing catch with James little brother John. We call Randy over and just pretend to start playing sports with him on the grass with the old school nerf football (with the zoom, fuck yeah the zoom) then James started to act all nice towards Randy and starts off with the words...
James: Randy do you want a Hickory nut crunch?
Randy: What's that?
James: It's a candy bar. It's pretty good. It has coco and nuts in it.
Me: It's chocolaty Chewy coco and nuts" (singing it, what honor choir Bitches!)
Randy: Really
Me: yeah man that's the song from the commercial.
Randy: Ok, you guys give me one.
James: Ok you have to lay on your back lift your legs and close your eyes before I give it to you.
Randy: Why would I do that?
James: If you do it I will give you 2. I tried to get John's fatass to do it but he wouldn't. Just do what I tell you and you will get it. (Fat people making fun of fat people is hilarious!)
Randy: Fine then.
He then proceeds to lay on his back close his eyes and let James life his legs. I watched half excited and half well fucking laughing. James then proceeds to say to him "are you ready'? Randy replies yes. Then James yells "HERE COMES THE HICKORY NUT CRUNCH" And he stomped on his balls with all his might. I heard a Yelp" and Randy popped up so fast and then fell over and started Balling and crying. I was on the ground dying with laughter and so was James with his fat ass jumping up and down. We see Randy on the ground holding his balls crying. Then Johns Dad comes out side and asked what happened. Randy tells him that we stomped on his penis. And at first his dads face is red with anger and he asks us why we did it. The conversation went like this.
Big Daddy: JAMES- JOEL- ANDERSON. Why did you stomp on his penis?
James: Daddy he asked us to. We asked him if he wanted a hickory nut crunch and he said yes and we gave it to him.
Big Daddy: What? Really? Ohmigod ahahahahahahahahha
James dad started roaring with laughter and it was quite a thing to see a 300 pound man laughing his ass off until tears came out his eyes. Randy was still crying and later he had to go to the hospital to get his balls checked. Shit I wonder if he can have children now.
Just warning if someone asks' you if you want a hickory nut crunch say no man really say no. God I'm a little fucker. But that was the funniest shit ever. You should have seen his little ass rolling around grabbing his balls. HAH!
"Chocolaty Chewy, coco and nuts"
User Reviews
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-04-15 17:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by PoloboiGC (user info) at 2005-04-09 14:52:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm a little fuck! hah