Satisfy Yourself (1198 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sarah Prejean <derivablezero.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-04-09 15:23:39 EDT
My first post here, I figured I would share some thoughts I have on writers, though I am against putting writers in little boxes and labeling them, it does provide for a lot of fun! I hope. Here goes.
Writing is like sex. As writers, we are all nymphomaniacs. Sex addicts that need to feel, need to experience, need that satisfaction of clutching-grabbing-muscle-tensing-all-co nsuming-back-arching-to-the-sky as words explode inside and out in a climactic ecstasy...
and then it is over.
As there are different sorts of lovers, so there are different sorts of writers. Before me right now I've got a month-old post-it note. Written on it are the words: "hair hare care share wear wear sheer shears feel fear feet meet scissors meat sisters science." One day, when I have the time, these words will be used in a poem with a recurrent theme about my appearance. I am a Pleasure Seeker.
The words will sit there, wanting to be fondled and played with, and as a Pleasure Seeker occasionally I'll tease myself with them. This will go on for a while until neither myself nor the words can take it anymore. That's when I start the writing. The words blend into lines as the strokes of my pen or my fingers becomes faster and harder against the paper until the stanzas or paragraphs flow out nonstop and I collapse in a heap of exhausted Pleasure Seeker, fulfilled in the afterglow of writing a well-needed work, despite how hard or how easily it came.
The antithesis of my word sexuality, the Pleasure Seekers, is the Casual Masturbator. The Casual Masturbator will every now and then see, hear, or experience something small that will turn them on immensely. They will then go home and immediately jerk out a poem or story or prose about it. The work won't be the best, and it won't take a long time to accomplish, but it will be well done. After this, a long while will pass before the Casual Masturbator is turned on again. Casual Masturbators usually make good prose writers, or artists, because they are as a whole very visual people. They don't pop one off for anyone but themselves, like the Pleasure Seekers, but the satisfaction is not what they live for, either.
Similar to the Casual Masturbators, in that they don't write often, are the Catholic Guilt Sufferers. They don't write often because they are ashamed. They don't feel that experimentation is right unless a commitment is already made. The Catholic Guilt Sufferer reads a lot, has empty notebooks, and closets FULL of crumpled ideas.
The closets are full because no one can see inside of them. Catholic Guilt Sufferers are chronic masturbators, because their whole lives they have been told that self satisfaction is a bad thing, so they do it often, and in private. Their own personal rebellions, and each hidden orgasm is a small victory. They write all the time, but you don't know because they are afraid.
Maybe a couple of times, you will catch a glimpse, but any self-loathing Catholic Guilt Sufferer will deny that you ever saw anything. A Catholic Guilt Sufferer will apologize profusely, with phrases like "I'm not that great," and "you're too much." Their faces turn red and they are usually become well acquainted with the floor anytime someone mentions their particular forte. Rest assured that when you leave, they will retreat to their respective closets, and enjoy themselves without you ever knowing.
Selfless Lovers are the antetheses of Catholic Guilt Sufferers. Where Catholic Guilt Sufferers refuse to let anyone know about their habits, Selfless Lovers don't have any habits of their own. Never is there a hand moving around in a dark closet. Not once will an Selfless Lover be caught with pants around his ankles, but you can be positive that he'll be helping someone out of her own. Selfless Lovers don't like to be on top. They don't write to enjoy it, they get off on other people getting off. The feeling of satisfaction that other writers get after finishing a work, that feeling is unknown to Selfless Lovers. Satisfaction is only received after the first reader pays a compliment, or expresses like for a piece. The Selfless Lover doesn't have to touch himself. Other people touch him.
The Selfish Masturbator is one of the darker writers, a writer that no one strives to be. Not only does the Selfish Masturbator get satisfaction from finishing each of his works, no matter how horrible it is, the Selfish Masturbator is also a conceited writer. Words seem to revolve around the Selfish Masturbator, whether they are good words or not. Selfish Masturbators have busy hands, full notebooks, and swollen egos. They don't like it when they're not being pleased, and they are indignant when someone else offers criticism of their work. The orgasm is all theirs and no one else's.
Selfish Masturbators write emotional poetry, and want everyone else to see their pain. However, in exposing their pain, they claim that no one can understand it but them. No one can make them come as hard or as often as they can for themselves. They ask for help occasionally, but when they do get it they bark out reasons why the helper is wrong, using phrases such as "touch it there," "move it to the left," and "no, I like it better like this."
There are some writers who can be categorized as Over the Hills. This does not mean that they are old, this means that they are incapable of giving or receiving the orgasm. Once upon a time, they were just like the rest of us, in our relative categories. They reached their peak, and now sit, looking over a barren land of an old career, stranded on a plateau holding their limp endeavors in their hands. Sure, they'll keep on whacking and pumping out lines, but they aren't any different than the old lines, and don't really satisfy anyone. Usually, even their own hands want something new. Over the Hills are the veterans of the field. They are the one-hit-wonders, the old professors teaching how to satisfy like they did, once upon their time. Over the Hills are to be respected, and would be remembered had they stopped writing when everyone knew they had enough, instead of dwindling down into mediocrity and lost among the thousands of others, just like them. This is what keeps them impotent.
Sometimes, Over the Hills will realize that they have lost their potency. They realize that no one really wants them, so they start taking and giving without any permission. This is when over the hills become Rapists. Some Rapists start writing that way, however. They don't always become Rapists. Their writing is never any good because it isn't personal to them. It is stolen from innocents, ideas taken from tragedies. They slam into the words and hold them down to the page whether they want to be there or not. They force their big pens into thin lines, too tight for their penetration; in doing so, they violate everything that is beautiful about the craft. These are the writers that have been hurt by someone else's words, and want the words to hurt back.
Rapists are stubborn, and write about dramas that they have created, only to give them a way to release their load. Trademarks of the Rapist include: writing about made up tragedies in a poor fashion, crumpled papers covered with the STDs of horrible line structure, blistered hands from frequent, fervent, furious writing, and scratches on their chests from words that fought back. The Rapist crowd shows no mercy to the work, and is always sure to get their orgasm--but they're never really satisfied.
A Molestor, however, violates while smiling, making the experience seem "okay" for the victim. Gently, the Molestor coaxes a victim into letting it in. There is no blood, no struggle. There are only words of comfort and understanding eyes, along with the overwhelming feeling in the victim's heart that something just isn't right. The Molestor is more dangerous than the Rapist because the Molestor is a sick writer. The Rapist will prey on stronger victims, because the struggle is greater and for this reason the orgasm is more powerful, and the victim is not being tricked, it is being raped. The Molestor, however, is a sick writer who preys on innocence. The Molestor doesn't reach orgasm while the victim is around. The Molestor takes the things that it saw and felt and uses them after its victim is gone, to achieve the orgasm alone. The finished product is a mixture of things, mostly words of tragedy taken from the victim, and a little piece of innocence accompanied by a secret held between the Molestor and its prey, until the prey is out of sight and and the whole story is exposed. A typical Molestor is a former Catholic Guilt Sufferer, who has run out of his own ideas.
Then, there are the devoted writers that don't get off until their lovers are gone, or knock one out before the lover even arrives. These are the Pleasure Givers. A Pleasure Giver enjoys writing, lives for the orgasm of the lover. Pleasure Giverss are usually long fiction writers, the novelists and mystery writers. They drag out the foreplay and keep the lover on the edge of a seat, at no cost to themselves because by the time the lover is there, the Pleasure Giver has finished its work, and knows what is in store. These are the writers who let you know their characters. They draw you into trilogies, they have a mystery per page per chapter per novel per volume. They derive no greater pleasure than experiencing your orgasm, nothing better than making you as satisfied as possible with their talents. They make you think that you can't take it anymore, and then hit that special spot, making you beg for it. Thankfully, these writers will never become Over the Hills, they strive for improvement too much for that.
Similar to the Over the Hills in that they write the same thing all the time, are the members of my next group: Shameless Whores. Shameless Whores want everyone to know what they do. They think that they are the best at what they do, and charge the most for doing it. These are the writers that make millions of dollars writing the same romance novels that everyone else writes, with loosely based plots and chapters worth of sex scenes. They don't care what their mothers think of what they're doing with the boy down the block. These writers are only good at one thing and are good at it all their lives. If they had any other talent, it was more than likely suppressed by money hunger. Shameless Whores are content with never being respected by the intellectual world, and they turn writing into a hobby as opposed to the craft that it is supposed to be. Sadly, they will never become Over the Hills either.
The lover that everyone wants to be, but hardly ever gets the chance to, is the Passionate Giver who Takes. The Passionate Giver who Takes starts off as a Pleasure Seeker, but instead of staying there, where he is only writing because he enjoys it, he becoes a beautiful cross between the Pleasure Seekers and the Pleasure Givers, giving intense pleasure to his lover while at the same time allowing that lover to give him the same pleasure in return. He is the writer deemed most capable, and the best at causing orgasms. He has delicate fingers and a talent for making his lover beg for more while being totally satisfied with whatever the lover is given. He is a multiple orgasm writer. Not all of us are lucky to achieve so many peaks in our career. True, some peaks are better than others, but always in rapid secession, never reaching a plateau. Technique and position change as often as the rhythm of his thrusts. These writers don't write literature, they live it. They are the Stephen Kings, Anne Rices, Chuck Pahalniuks, Nikki Giovannis, Lord Byrons...
They are living our dreams. Sadly, these writers become Over the Hills sooner than any others. The afterglow is only reached in death, or whenever they have run out of innovations. They've got too much dignity to become a Rapist or a Molestor, and never would he be a Shameless Whore. Their work is the most important thing to them, and the work's effect as a whole, for themselves and their audiences. These are the writers that we all want to be.
Mules are what none of us want to be. They are void of the passion for words that all the other types have. Despite their flaws, they are writers, making an effort. Mules refuse to appreciate their works, or the work put into them. Mules will never like our work and will never want to try to make their own. Mules do not realize what joy there is in the written word. Mules will not even attempt to understand, or to quietly accept. They bray out against it with indignance, because they have been cursed with a closed mind, and are content with staying that way. Thankfully, Mules cannot breed; their kind are killing all of ours.
Writing is like sex: don't live life unsatisfied.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-14 18:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is good - Uber can be harsh and unforgiving, so just hang tough.
Look at my old posts to see the crap comments I used to get posted.
Your writing is great, so keep at it!
Lxxx,
JonnyX
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-14 15:40:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This deserves a +2 streak. Long, but one of the best extended metaphors I've ever heard. You hit several nails on the head. It sounds as though I'm a Casual Masturbator, unfortunately. Well.
I'm sorry to see you've fallen into ridicule lately. This was excellent.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-04-14 14:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I noticed this afternoon you "back-doored" me, last night.
Yeah, thats my style too.
This was good, especially comming from someone young.
This PG pays "hit debts" with interest.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-12 17:36:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, I cried, it moved me Bob.
Thanks - and welcome to Uber!
Submitted by SkinDiver (user info) at 2005-04-12 17:20:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 Die
Nevermind
Submitted by Adjomak (user info) at 2005-04-11 23:23:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read it. I loved it. You're right, Steven King did his Dark Tower Series, and is now retiring. I love the connections you made.
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-04-11 13:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like what you write.
Submitted by Viper_04 (user info) at 2005-04-11 07:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is more profound than humorous...
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-11 07:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was very long, I did infact read it all. I'm surprised you haven't recieved more grief for the length of this... I thought it was insightful and clever, so it probably doesn't belong on Ubersite. You missed a category too, you missed the premature ejaculator...
The premature ejaculator want's so badly to please his reciever, but finds each time that his article is too short lived and horribly executed. The premature ejaculator will write 2 sentence articles with mis-spelled words all over the place, and will not understand after he has finished his piece why everybody hates it.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-04-11 06:26:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So...long...
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-10 05:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read it all, sorry.
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-04-10 05:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow a real gem among all the desktop posts.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-04-09 16:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 becuause you have rapists in your post.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-04-09 15:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey I gave you a -2 don't go giving me a positive on my post, now I have to actually read that 90 page essay you wrote.
Next time just hit me with a retalitory -2 and a fuck off.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-04-09 15:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit.
I'll have to read it later since I'm leaving work in about ten minutes, but +2 for actually posting something that appears to be, well... something.
Don't question it, just take it.
17991, holy fuck.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-04-09 15:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah I might read that.
I already used my first post +2 for the year so have a -2 to get you started.
Post some cleavage for a positve rating.