Evening News (639 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 1 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Freakmagnet (View user info) at 2005-04-09 20:16:41 EDT
Welcome to the Evening News. Our top story is the genocidal teenager who mercilessly slaughtered a dozen high-school students earlier this week.
We got an exclusive interview with the boy after he was released from time-out:
"Well I got mad at the new kid for taking my place on the basketball team and so I did what any normal kid would do and brought a gun to school, but on the way in I saw a black kid. That reminded me of the time my literature teacher said "nigger" in class. We were reading a book about the Civil War and he was trying to tell us that we shouldn't be offended because it was blah, blah, blah. He was fired, dragged into the streets and crucified. It serves the dirty racist right. Anyway, he was replaced by a social worker who taught us a new version of the Civil War which made me feel happy and warm inside because now the country is no longer torn apart by political differences and race. After that I lost control, I just started shooting everyone, just like in video games. Now I see why it was wrong to kill all those people though and I won't ever do it again."
The media has already blamed the incident on the literature teacher, heavy metal music, gangsta rap, video games, movies, pornography, and republicans. The parents couldn't be found for questioning, but we're pretty sure the incident didn't have to do with them. He was sentenced to 1 hour time-out, 1 month without XBOX, and 1 week without driving privileges, they also doubled his dose of Ritalin.
Good news, the conflict in Iraq was solved today when North Korea blew them off the face of the earth with nuclear weapons sold to them by America. America promptly apologized for their mistake and sold a reactor to Iran.
Also, a great day for the Women's Rights Movement as 40,000 new Planned Parenthood clinics were opened up, the new clinics will keep thousands of unwanted children from ruining our great nation. The partial birth abortion law was revised and full birth abortion was legalized up until age three. In case the single parent gets tired of his/her semi-new child.
A scandalous sex tape has been uncovered including the Bush twins and former president Bill Clinton. That tape will now be aired in its uncensored entirety for your viewing pleasure. ----------
The FCC recently deemed the new Marilyn Manson album too explicit to listen to and it will not be released because the FCC knows what is best for you. In a related story free-speech was abolished because some people don't like what others have to say.
In Hollywood today Michael Moore ate Drew Barrymore and Sean Penn was beheaded by Iraqi insurgents, America immediately apologized to everyone because it was probably their fault. That film will now be shown in its uncensored entirety for your viewing pleasure---------
Also in Hollywood, Mel Gibson made another 25 million off "The Passion" and began work on his new masterpiece called, "Why you should hate Jews." Mr. Gibson was quoted saying that, "The film is not intended to be anti-Semitic."
This just in, George Bush has died by falling down the stairs in a drunken rage after losing a game of Scrabble to his brother Jeb. I'm having kegger later on tonight to celebrate the victory.
Lastly, the ATF completely destroyed a Mosque after being tipped off that there was Kool-Aid inside. In the Pentecostal Christian Church Of Snake Handlers across the street 100 fanatical Christians died after drinking snake poison. When questioned about the mishap the head of the ATF responded, "Why are ya'll so mad, ain't they all crazy terrorists anyway?"
You stay classy America, enjoy your life.
User Reviews
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-06-15 23:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
eric rice = I_Have_A_Kristen_Fetish
Submitted by DeadHorse (user info) at 2005-04-21 08:15:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Methodius (user info) at 2005-04-09 23:41:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some asswipe said:
"Hey lets be trendy and make fun of the U.S.! -2die. "
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Hey, how about you take the hint that society has evolved to the point where it's only "American" to be "Unamerican," instead of rootin-tootin-redneck retards firing off their guns because they love America. "-2die" yourself, you fucking ignorant, pre-pubescent twat.
+2 for an awesome article.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-09 22:17:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this was pretty alright.
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2005-04-09 22:11:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was trying to make fun of the media. It had a lot of sarcasm.
Submitted by rdn4 (user info) at 2005-04-09 22:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey lets be trendy and make fun of the U.S.! -2die.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-09 21:27:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
velly velly inteeeelesting
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-04-09 21:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-09 20:35:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That must have been some Scrabble game. Three letter words all over the board.
Submitted by Howie_Felter (user info) at 2005-04-09 20:24:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*thumbs up* I really enjoyed that..good way to end my night of work! :D