Bugs, bridesmaids, and what REALLY happens behind closed doors (1708 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.83 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-04-10 08:59:03 EDT
I have been blissfully married for a week. Well, married. And how have I spent my honeymoon? I know you're just dying to know... I know you want to hear all about the hot nasty sexual escapades in the confessional of the church where we wed, I know you want to know how it feels to be fisted by a priest while you scream out your vows, and I know you want to know about the week of torrid, sinful, hot, sweaty, dirty, wrong, bestial, glorious fucking that ensued.
Sorry.
Our wedding night, we finally got rid of all the guests and went to bed. This was it, right? The moment of consumation. The moment we were to become man and wife in all ways.
Husband: "You tired?"
Wife: "Exhausted."
Husband: "Me, too."
Wife: "What say we just.. go to sleep and say we had sex?"
Husband: "We better get our stories straight."
Wife: "There were three Catholic schoolgirls."
Husband: "A nun."
Wife: "A sheep."
Husband: "Some kind of (yawn) farm machinery..."
Wife: "(drowsily) and you couldn't get it up....."
Husband: "....cunt....."
Wife: "(snore)"
My wedding night. God I rock.
So for the last week, we've been doing the domestic bliss thing.
And we've got a problem.
The caterpillar infestation of last year (mentioned here) is a million times worse this year. We're basically making the house airtight.. I've had to take off my wedding ring so it doesn't get covered with Selley's No-more-gaps.
They cover the trees, the back verandah, the outside windows at night. It's very very bad. They could make a movie out of it.. it's horrible
So I've been calling pest control guys, right? It's what you do... "who ya gonna call? Someone with poison!" Here is an actual conversation:
"FatFuck pest control."
"Yeah hi. I, uh.. I have caterpillars."
"Right."
"Thousands of them."
"Yeah."
"And I need them to go away."
"Well, they won't do it by themselves, love."
"Hence my calling you."
"Ahhh, you want them exterminated?"
"...... yes?"
"Right-e-o then."
"Ohhh kay....."
"Where are you?"
"Daton Street."
"Heh, they get around! They've kept to Falcon before this."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, down Falcon Beach way."
"Right."
"South a bit."
"Yeah, I know."
"So they've moved."
"Dude, this isn't exactly helpful to me."
"Ahhh, right. I'll call tomorrow, we'll arrange a day next week."
"Next WEEK? They're everywhere!"
"No rush, love. They won't go anywhere."
"THAT'S MY POINT!!"
"Heh, no worries, mate."
*Click*
So I'm being overrun by caterpillars, my new husband keeps making jokes about "The larvae of marital bliss, which will flourish into the moths of togetherness", and The Boy spent the day collecting the foul little things in a bucket and drowning them. He comes running in every half hour with updates: "If you put salt in the water, they hate it!" "If you use hot water out of the kettle they squeal!"
On a totally different note, the day of my wedding went perfectly, except for the flat tire which made me half an hour late. Before you get to the awful awful bugs, there is a picture of my bridesmaids going above and beyond the call of duty.
User Reviews
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-30 15:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Askari (user info) at 2005-06-13 10:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good thing I took the groom in the campervan from hell
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The picture of the bridesmaids is really what makes it for me.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:36:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wasps are worse. Especially if they've sneaked in during the night...
<shudders>
Submitted by Aiya (user info) at 2005-04-24 22:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've had to deal with a lady bug infestation. I find them disgusting, and other than the fact that they smell when they die I can't tell you why I hate them so much. Oh and that smell doesn't seem to go away even when you vacuum them and dispose of the bag.
Good luck getting rid of the caterpillars.
Submitted by Rhodan (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:46:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh oops..ranking
Submitted by Rhodan (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This ..is scary. My wedding night went exactly the same
"Husband: "You tired?"
Wife: "Exhausted."
Husband: "Me, too."
Wife: "What say we just.. go to sleep and say we had sex?" "
but here things changed;
Husband: "allright wait, let me get up..."
few minutes later:
Wife: " Hunny, why are you throwing my lingerie through the house and hung my bra on that lamp?
Husband: "Your dad will be here tomorrow morning, 0800 sharp to bug me with trivial things, for once, just once, I'd like to have him shut up...this will do."
The morning after, 0800 sharp, truly WAS a Kodak moment. That was the morning I learned to ' appreciate the finer details of the Canadian 'EH??'
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:11:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hear that fire is good for getting rid of bugs. A litter of kittens could also take down the caterpillars in a less destructive manner.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you're bored, I'll do ya.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's only been 11 days! Give me a break, I'm just not funny/creative anymore.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-21 03:41:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-20 01:50:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like it when you're married. You're too happy or something. You never post anymore.
I'm gonna go eat worms. I hope you're fucking happy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
me too.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-20 01:50:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like it when you're married. You're too happy or something. You never post anymore.
I'm gonna go eat worms. I hope you're fucking happy.
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2005-04-17 03:04:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats to the both of you...
If I ever get the chance I'll come visit...
Keep up the good work.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-14 20:27:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Snark <-------------- Dumbass
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-14 20:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And another because I miss you.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-14 20:26:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another +2 because I needs must pay the Dumbass tax.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-14 20:26:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god! How did I not see this?
What foul twist of fate led my eyes astray from your name on the front page?
I'm thinking it was one of those episodes of spontaneous masturbation that seem to take me out of the blue.
This post is excellent. I wish I could see the pic!
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-04-13 18:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-04-12 14:42:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-12 10:16:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything about your life is priceless... How do you breath when everything is killing you with laughter? Oh yeah, I forget it's never quite as funny when it happens to you.
Weird I found this little story the same day I woke up to a kitchen full of ants for the first time in three years... why the fuck are they here now? I don't know, but I hope to god it's nothing to do with the laminate flooring I spent days painstakingly laying. If there is now an ants nest underneath it then I'll just live with fucking ants cause I'm not pulling it up.
You here me ants??? I'm not fucking pulling that floor up- I'll just keep squashing you!!! Die fuckers DIIIIEEEE!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-11 17:53:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
~~~the woman in red, yeah the woman in red, the woman in red, yeah the woman in red~~~
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-11 12:33:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd rather hear the story about the lack of sex.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-04-11 12:25:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats darlin'.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-11 11:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
welcome to the club
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-04-11 08:25:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats, Circe!
By the way, the legs on the bridesmaid who is just leaning down WATCHING the tire get changed? HOT.
Those are legs look like popsicles. cool, smooth and needing a lick.
what?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-04-11 08:03:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Congrats Circe
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-04-11 05:05:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw man. You rock sista! Congratspulations, jubilations, and jolly well done!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-04-11 04:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations! I've been waiting for this pic...
Ah, memories.
We had tent caterpillars/gypsy moths when I was a kid.
It's amazing what a blowtorch duct-taped to the end of
an 8-foot long 2x4 will do for their little gauzy silken
nest colonies. Not to mention the trees.
Submitted by Thor (user info) at 2005-04-10 21:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
congratulations from shandy, prikle and all hte gang
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-04-10 19:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my grand-daughter is all grown up...congratulations.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-04-10 19:28:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap those things are scary. Invest in a flamethrower. Think of how often that would come in handy.
Nice work picking those bridesmaids and congratulations.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-10 17:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There you are! I've been wondering what you were up to.
And here you are and now I know.
Congrats!!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-10 17:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-04-10 17:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHHHHHHHH
Motherfucking hell. I was confused (read: stupid) and thought that the wedding was on April 22. And I was going to make a wedding post and... fuck. Now you're not only not single, but I'm a forgetful and probably slightly retarded twat for not getting the day right. Damn. Happy marital bliss, as long as the husband doesn't get in the way of our marathon cybersex sessions.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-04-10 16:44:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats to you!!!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-04-10 14:31:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations! Be forever blissful.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-04-10 14:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome back. Congrats. I hope you two remain happy and healthy for a lengthy and loving marriage.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-04-10 14:12:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sucks.
When do we get wedding photos? Before the 17th, I hope.
I dunno if this will help you at this point, but if you put a strip of duct tape up around the upright things you don't want them to climb, then they won't cross over it because they can't. Unless they're scary mutant ones and different from the ones we get in Massachusetts.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-04-10 12:32:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Caterpillar infestation? Australia is a province of Mars as far as I'm concerned...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-10 12:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats! I'm so happy for you. As far as the wedding night thing, I think what you experienced is the norm and not the exception. I've heard plenty of stories about the bride and groom flopping into bed and falling asleep. When my cousin got married, she went to get changed and when she walked into the bedroom, her hubby was snoring like a fucking chainsaw.
Your bridesmaids rock. There's no way in hell I would change a tire in heels and nylons.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-04-10 12:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats...I guess...I've been there twice already, so obviously I'm not one to give marital advice.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-10 11:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In other news, 31 out of 40 posts on the front page are desktop pictures. Jeebus. I'm not posting anything until this settles down.
Though it is kind of neat seeing what everyone has on there.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-10 11:15:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, I've missed you. Let's not be not-posting-messages-on-Uber-for-weeks-at-a-time like that, ever again. Yes yes, I realize your schedule was full with weddings and marathon sessions of unusual Dutch sex, but let's not lose sight of the little people that need you.
What? Your kids? No, not THOSE little people. Odds are that if YOU'VE been raising them, they know how to survive without you. In fact, you might be holding them back.
Congratulations!!
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-04-10 11:00:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drunk. Didn't REALLY read... you hate me? Of course not, we're both gorgeous.
Big sloppy plus two on the cheek.
Submitted by rdn4 (user info) at 2005-04-10 10:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The larvae of marital bliss, which will flourish into the moths of togetherness"
Heh
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-04-10 10:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I could make some kind of comment about the bridesmaids, but I won't ... 'cause that's just how nice a guy I am. See? Nice!
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2005-04-10 10:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm no stranger to conflicted emotions and that aint no surprise I'm sure,
but Circe married is a bizarre brew for me of joy at her bliss...
and sorrow at the end of an era.
The Dutchmans gain is a loss to the rest of us.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-04-10 10:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
precisely why I will never go to Oz.
Fucking animals.
(and that's just the people. Ba! Ding!)
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-04-10 09:58:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Congratulations!
I'm up to bat for bridesmaid duty the first weekend of June, and I am READY for it to be done with. I feel like I'M the one getting married.
Which is why I'm going to have MY wedding in a bar.
Also because I am a drunkie.
But that's all right!
As far as caterpillars? You should pick up a pyrethroid spray, which you can get at any pest control or hardware/home-improvement/bashing things with hammers type store here in the States. I'm not sure how easy it would be to get it, but what you want to do, to seal off your house, is to spray your foundation with that pyrethroid, and they should be kept at bay until Fat Fuck Pest Control, Inc. comes to your rescue. Pyrethroids are organic chemicals, which keeps the hazard level down for kiddies, bridesmaids, husbands, and any pets, but they're very effective. At least half the pest issues we go out for can be solved by doing an exterior spray (I work in pest control, btw, this isn't some kind of weird hobby...it's a weird JOB) rather than going inside and gassing the house silly. If you're going to a non-pest-control-as-central-reason-for-existance store, you might want to just ask for a "foundation spray for bugs" rather than "pyrethroid based chemical," but they should know what you're looking for.
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-04-10 09:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations. And lucky you to have friends that would actually change a tire in their bridesmaids dresses. That's fucking wicked.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-04-10 09:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats, Circe.
Doesn't anything eat the the little invaders? No winged, predatory liberators?
No marsupials needing a protein snack?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-04-10 09:25:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(3 hits)
***
They're back.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-04-10 09:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats, babe.
Submitted by Bayley (user info) at 2005-04-10 09:21:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, changing tires in their dresses no less!
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-04-10 09:21:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Post a pic of the bridesmaid who isn't changing the TIRE (wtf is a tyre?).
Congrats on your impending divorce.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-04-10 09:08:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheheh. Bridemaids changing a tyre. I love it.
Can I marry you next? I'm a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-04-10 09:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you! Congrats babe :)
And sorry about the caterpillars. We used to get tiny huntsman invasions. The spiders weren't tiny, just the invasion force.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-04-10 09:06:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shit I'm retarded. I forgot the "mentioned here" link: http://www.ubersite.com/m/53646