I Will Drink This Monster Under The Table So Her Slutty Friend Will Take My Buddy's Virginity. (Long) (1336 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.24 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Shark25 (View user info) at 2005-04-11 14:38:40 EDT
It was the month July of the year 2000 I had just moved in with a buddy of mine and we decided to have a little party for the occasion. We had about 25 to 30 people in our apartment when all of a sudden in came this girl we know named Becky.
Becky was a fairly attractive girl who was known to find dudes who had not yet tasted the forbidden fruit that was premarital sex and take that sweet, sweet innocence away.
However this did not apply to my friend James. A 21 year old virgin who stilled lived with his momma and took his grandmother to church every Sunday. He was the perfect son and grandson but he desperately needed to get laid.
It was all he talked about. Every second of every minute of every hour of every motherfucking day!
We had to get this kid laid. But every attempt by James to get with a chick went wrong some how. I did not understand why this kid could not get it done. I'll say that he was better looking than most dudes in the club and fucker worked out like four times a week. He did not smoke and he never drank to the point where he would be annoying.
Well we came to find out that he stumbled talked around the fairer sex. It was like he almost was tripping over every word. He said he was too nervous when talking to the women.
ME: Hey that can be solved!
JAMES: How?
M: Well I know a girl who won't want to hear shit from you. She will just want your virginity in a jar on her desk.
J: She sounds like a whore.
M: And?
But for some reason or another James screwed up again because Becky thought of him as too good of a friend to take care of. Which is bullshit because if he was such a great friend she would end his misery.
Well the night of the party she shows up and starts flirting with James big time and the rest of us that maybe this whole ordeal was over and then it happened.
Becky: Hey you want to take me back to your place for some fun?
J: Sure.
B: Well fat chance V boy! You are going to be a 50 year old virgin if I have anything to say about it!
Well that was just mean.
M: Dude what the fuck is that about?
B: Listen its fun to play around with him.
M: Women that is wrong to do to the poor man.
B: I'll make a little wager with you.
Where did this come from? Well lets just listen to this wager.
B: All you guys pick out your best drinker and if you can out drink your opponent I will have sex with the virgin. But if you lose all of you guys become my little bitches. You wear what I tell you, you say what I tell you to say, and you fuck who I tell you.
Well shit this could be bad. But hey its us against her this will be easy. Well the guys got together and we all agreed that I should be our representative as I can hold the most alcohol with out vomiting it back up.
We all went to our kitchen table for the game to begin.
M: Alright we agree to your terms. Now sit down and prepare for humiliation.
B: You didn't think you were facing me did you?
M: That's what you said.
B: No I said your opponent who should be here soon.
About 10 minutes later there came a knock at the door. You ever that chilling feeling when something bad was about to happen. I got that hard.
I opened the door and in walked 330 pounds of women who everyone just called Big Bertha or Double B.
B: What's up Double B?
DB: I'm sober so I'm pissed which one of these little shits am I going to drink under the table?
At that point my friend Josh who was terribly intoxicated spoke up.
Josh: Fuck you! You're going up against the king you gigantic cunt!
SHIT!
At that point Double B looked over at me and walked right up to me face to face. Now I stand about 6'0 and weigh 225 but I was shadowed by her fat. Bertha had this nappy curly hair, a fat wad of chew in her mouth, and breath that could kill a horse.
DB: So you're the king?
M: That's what the drunken retard said.
DB: You look like something that comes out of my ass after I eat too much Mexican.
After saying that see spit her wad of chew right on my shoes.
M: It's on like Donkey Kong bitch!
We sat down and flipped a coin to see who decides what we would be drinking. I won the toss and picked Jager knowing that some people can not stand the fine flavor of that particular drink.
However the way the rules went was that each of us had to take a shot of Jager and then it would turn into a game of who can out do the other because after you take the shot you drink some other form of alcohol and the other person has to match the drink and how much you drank.
I started out by pounding my shot and slamming a can of beer.
She did the same
She slammed her shot and took a shot of Jack.
I did the same.
This went on for about an hour and a half. After 25 shots of Jager each, 10 shots of Jack each, 10 shots of Jose each, and 5 beers each we sat there staring at each other.
I was close to just passing out as I had not eaten all day. I knew that was going to haunt me when we started.
Then I got a little boost when Becky, trying to psych me out, said this.
B: You know Shark when you lose the first person you are going to be a slave to is right in front of you.
Well this is bullshit I decided that on my next turn I was going to end this. After my next drinks I was either going to be the hero or the victim.
I told my buddy who was making the drinks to make me 3 Irish car bombs and three cement makers. Knowing that these would curdle up I was pretty sure that if I could put them down she would not.
I took my shot of Jager then the first car bomb that had not started curling to bad, the second was worse, and the third was like oatmeal. Then I hit the cement mixers that were all oatmeal by this time. The first I barely got down, the second went down but at one point felt like it was coming back up but I fought it down and then I hit the third and took it down what seemed to be too easily.
But then my stomach started to make a few rumbles. Beads of sweat formed on my brow and my mouth started to water. But I kept it all down and looked at Double B and said.
M: Your turn you monster from hell.
She took the same and then I could see her eyes start to water and her cheeks got even more puffed out than usual and in one quick movement she grabbed the trash can next to her spewed a vile substance into it.
All the guys cheered as Becky cried fowl but it was no use. Her champion fell before me as so many others had in the past. In the end none of us had to be Becky's bitches and I did not have to serve Big Bertha. Becky did as she said she would and took the sweet innocence that God gave James away.
Uber James and Becky have just celebrated their fourth wedding anniversary this past month.
And nobody has heard from Big Bertha in the last four years.
Good Times
User Reviews
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-05-05 17:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Party till ya PUKE!!!!
Submitted by twentyseventy (user info) at 2005-05-05 17:38:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Jager fucking rocks!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-12 09:36:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2005-04-11 16:02:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Well no shit that would have killed someone but after that night I didnt really remember how many shots were taken so for this story I made up some humerous number thinking people would get a laugh. Too many fucking serious people on the internet these days. Laugh about it and take all the stories you read here with a gain of salt.
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Stop back peddling, you made the numbers up without even thinking about it. Good story though.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-12 09:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny. but make up plausible numbers next time.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-12 04:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=comma
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2005-04-11 22:19:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was atrociously written but simultaneously moderately evocative of the teen pantomime that we all seem to do. Fair enough.
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2005-04-11 21:54:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you really drank all that you are a fucking hoss. The most I ever drank was 25 shots of vodka in 3 hours. I woke up 8 hours later still drunk as hell...good times. And it's hilarious that Jame's first thought of his future wife was "she must be a whore".
Bravo.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-04-11 21:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sir are a man among men. This is the kind of thing guys write famous ballads about.
Submitted by yourawhore (user info) at 2005-04-11 18:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
impressive...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-11 18:31:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-11 18:00:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-11 14:54:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a very touching story.
Submitted by Galgos27 (user info) at 2005-04-11 16:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty funny...
Submitted by DrunkenMercenary (user info) at 2005-04-11 16:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whats wrong with doing 45 shots in 90 minutes?
Haven't any of you ever played 100 Shots, 100 minutes?
Submitted by Umbilical_Cord (user info) at 2005-04-11 16:03:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story.
But 45 shots? + 5 beers within 90 minutes?
After not drinking all day?
And still being able to pronounce "Irish car bomb"
seems like a stretch.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2005-04-11 16:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-11 15:28:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
This went on for about an hour and a half. After 25 shots of Jager each, 10 shots of Jack each, 10 shots of Jose each, and 5 beers each we sat there staring at each other.
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The story was funny, but thats a bit over the top
That shit would have killed anyone
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Submitted by The_Fan (user info) at 2005-04-11 15:26:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
"After 25 shots of Jager each, 10 shots of Jack each, 10 shots of Jose each, and 5 beers each we sat there staring at each other."
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After reading that I knew you made the story up.
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Well no shit that would have killed someone but after that night I didnt really remember how many shots were taken so for this story I made up some humerous number thinking people would get a laugh. Too many fucking serious people on the internet these days. Laugh about it and take all the stories you read here with a gain of salt.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-11 15:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-04-11 15:30:17 (#)
Ranking: 1
This was a nice story, but ... seriously dude, WHAT THE FUCK?! It looked like it was written by a brain-dead chimp with ADD. Try harder next time.
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I'm with Avals here - nice start, went south quickly - you can't do 45 shots of booze and live, btw.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-04-11 15:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was a nice story, but ... seriously dude, WHAT THE FUCK?! It looked like it was written by a brain-dead chimp with ADD. Try harder next time.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-11 15:28:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This went on for about an hour and a half. After 25 shots of Jager each, 10 shots of Jack each, 10 shots of Jose each, and 5 beers each we sat there staring at each other.
====================================
The story was funny, but thats a bit over the top
That shit would have killed anyone
Submitted by The_Fan (user info) at 2005-04-11 15:26:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"After 25 shots of Jager each, 10 shots of Jack each, 10 shots of Jose each, and 5 beers each we sat there staring at each other."
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After reading that I knew you made the story up.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-04-11 15:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
why aren't you dead?
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2005-04-11 15:10:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-04-11 15:03:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
How did you feel in the morning?? Fresh and revived and ready for another day?
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I felt like a champ. After getting hit by a semi 17 times straight.
Submitted by negativesid (user info) at 2005-04-11 15:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I cried. Not really, but it was damn good.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-11 15:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cheers!
oh hey - aim munkeypants1
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-04-11 15:07:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-04-11 15:03:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How did you feel in the morning?? Fresh and revived and ready for another day?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-11 15:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA!!
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-04-11 14:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Friend,
Good Drinking,
Good Story.
Sir I salute you.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-11 14:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a very touching story.
Submitted by Sarcasticus (user info) at 2005-04-11 14:50:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic...
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-04-11 14:48:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is a phenominal story. you're like the Maverick of wingmen.
Submitted by Josephine (user info) at 2005-04-11 14:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This story had potential, but the writing was so sub par that it hurt my brain.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-11 14:43:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So they got married 6 months after and BB pulled an inverse Pizza the Hutt and puked herself inside out? what?