On the Whorigin of Species: Procrasticreation (1022 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.98 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by rollerboognish (View user info) at 2005-04-12 09:50:41 EDT
Ever since I posted my crack-ass tabloid story of evolution (On the Whorigin of Species, http://www.ubersite.com/m/62188 ), I've had several or more school administrators and local clergy on my ass about how I have to give equal time to the crack-ass tabloid story of creation. Normally, people faced with this situation would argue that creation is a religious idea and that science has no time for it. "Oh, ye of little faith," I say unto them, "fuck that pansy-ass shit." What's the point of science if you can't cover any fucking topic that comes up by blathering esoterically until entire cities full of imaginary green chalkboards are filled with illegible formulas and everyone who challenges you is dissecting himself from the sheer brilliance of it all? "We do not have sufficient data to prove such a blabberdy whine whine blah." Maybe YOU don't. I've got enough science to prove circles around your average scientist. I followed the Beastie Boys around all day and they dropped a whole bunch of it, which I gathered in test tubes and plastic baggies. Usually, I would charge $300 for a mere nickelbag of this science, but for you, the first one's free.
-The True Story of Creation, Scientifically Proven In a Laboratory-type Scenario with Lasers and Other High-Tech Equipment-
One Monday morning, God woke up in his dorm room at Empty and Matterless Universe State University. It was ten o'clock, he had missed two classes, and there was a big black penis with horns and a pointy tail drawn on his forehead in permanent marker. He surveyed all that he had done to his dorm room the night before, and lo, he saw that it had been a crazy party. But then he remembered that he had yet to create skank-ass hoes, so it must have been a sausage fest. He wondered if he was secretly gay and an abomination in his own eyes.
Oh, shit. That reminded him. The creation of the world was due at five o'clock that afternoon. What in the as-yet-nonexistent hell had he been doing all that time?
God looked back on the past three months to see how he had wasted them. The first week of the semester, a philosophical question had been bothering him, so in order to get it off of his mind, he made a rock so big that even he couldn't lift it. Since the rock was now more powerful than God, it became the new God, and God had to worship it. This took up about a month of his time, because he had to spend all day worshipping it while secretly chipping it away with a chisel while it was sleeping. It was hard to figure out when it was sleeping. Finally, he chipped away enough of the rock that it was no longer too heavy, and he lifted it above his head, shouting triumphantly, "I rock!" The rock promptly fell on God's head to punish him for taking its name in vain.
After that he had gotten into a long prank war with his neighbor across the hall, Satan. First, God had snuck into Satan's room and spray-painted "Lucifairy" all over his walls. Satan countered by painting "God, God, Big Dorkwad" up and down the hallway. Then God got back on him by writing the first song parody in history, "The Devil Went Down On George." God was quite a homophobe in his college days, it seems. The devil then struck a decisive blow by writing the song "What if God Was One of Us?" God spent the next two weeks retching in horror. I believe this was the origin of the term "God-awful."
The third month was spent in a drunken and hallucinogenic haze, mostly, after a brief study session in which he tried to get a head start by creating a few things. As Eddie Izzard has suggested, he created things alphabetically, so absinthe was one of his first works. Luckily for him, it came just before abstinence. Unluckily, it came way before sex. Paradoxically, he and Satan had been calling each other fags for the past month. He shook off this thought. He didn't have time for things to make sense, he had to create the frickin' universe. If not for his Godlike powers, he would have been fucked.
So it was ten o'clock, and he had seven hours to slap the rest of his universe together. He made earth and put life on it. He made all the ingredients for food and figured that he'd let the people put it together themselves. Same with buildings and cars and electronic shit. There was no time. He spent a few hours perfecting the subtle beauties of the female body, then panicked and made the male body a stocky mound with something to stick into it. He moistened his earth with some spit and blew an ozone layer around it. Then, at the very last second, he beefed up the universe with countless galaxies made of nothing but flaming balls of gas. This idea was an early ancestor to the practice of double-spacing.
So God created the universe in seven hours, although naturally when he turned it in he exaggerated and said he had spent seven days on it, with time left to rest on the last day. The professor mostly bought it, and God swung a B minus. He went on to graduate school and became a genetic engineer, but retired after he struck a sweet deal to receive royalties every time his name was used in a porno.
So I guess you could say we're God's science project. But then again, God was just my science project. It's mysteries like that that make you want to eat your way into a digestive frenzy. At least, I do. I leave you with a quote from Dale Gribble: "We've been playing God with Buckley's trampoline, and now God is playing God with us, and he's a lot better at it."
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:15:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-07-27 04:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Inanna (user info) at 2005-07-27 04:14:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This kicks 6 billion collective asses at once.
But it still doesn't explain Electro.
Blabberdy whine whine blah.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-27 03:57:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-06-29 17:22:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh shit... Phallic came back to this post and i missed it. Phallic, dude, you had me in suspense forever about what the fuck you were going to say, and it turns out you didn't even know. i was hoping it would be "this post is the post that will change the way America flosses... one mouth at a time." oh well. i'm glad you liked it. and i'm glad you gave it a +2 while you were under the influence of whatever it was.
Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-06-26 21:23:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing.
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2005-06-21 03:34:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sometimes this seems like a perfectly real scenario
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-20 07:43:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a fucking brilliant post.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-06-20 07:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear i've never even seen this post before. That's what i get for reviewing under the influence of various things.
This post is a SOLID BALL OF FUCKING HUMOR. Ya hear me? There is more funny shit in this post per line than probably anything ever.
Submitted by BigCore (user info) at 2005-04-12 10:14:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
This wins the whole damn internet.
...
It really does.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-19 16:20:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-18 15:07:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I still don't get that.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-17 21:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-12 12:27:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-04-12 09:56:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is the post that
and when that happens, OH BOY!
------------------------------
the fuck?
--------------------------
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
<snort>
Submitted by ThineJericho (user info) at 2005-04-12 19:54:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-12 18:47:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Smoothe (user info) at 2005-04-12 14:02:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
goddamn brilliant
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-12 17:31:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, guys. This is indeed the post that.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-12 14:53:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no, really, B@W!!
Submitted by Adjomak (user info) at 2005-04-12 14:39:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuck. You had me from the start. What clinched it was the B- given by the professor. Hell, that happens to me all the time
Submitted by Smoothe (user info) at 2005-04-12 14:02:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
goddamn brilliant
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-04-12 13:23:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-12 12:27:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-04-12 09:56:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is the post that
and when that happens, OH BOY!
------------------------------
the fuck?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:49:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:20:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
b@w!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-12 10:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Super sweet.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-12 10:25:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 from the moment I read "Lucifairy" and "The Devil Went Down On George."
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-04-12 10:17:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by BigCore (user info) at 2005-04-12 10:14:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This wins the whole damn internet.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-12 10:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
You were golden from the moment you got here
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-12 10:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-04-12 10:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another, I really thought this kicked all kinds of theological parody ass.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-04-12 09:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How DO you do it? I wanna know, so I can do it too...
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-04-12 09:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is the post that
and when that happens, OH BOY!