Nice Guys Finish Last: A Tale of Woe (815 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.84 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Espo (View user info) at 2005-04-12 10:44:28 EDT
Mike sat at his desk, listening to the soothing tones of Miles Davis flow into his ears as he worked on his history paper that was due in two days. Just as he was really getting into the core of his argument against the Berlin Airlift, the phone rang.
It wasn't the familiar "In Da Club" ring of his cell phone, but the blaring screech of his dorm phone. Only his parents called the dorm phone.
Mike took off his headphones and quickly picked up the phone with his left hand, while vainly trying to continue typing the sentence he had started a moment ago with his right.
"Hello?" Mike half-heartedly asked into the receiver.
"MIKE! HEY THERE, CHAMP!"
Definitely not the typical reaction Mike got from his mother calling to check up and see how things were going at school. Mike's heart dropped as he recognized the husky voice on the other end of the receiver.
It was his ex-girlfriend's father, Jerry Fontano. Jerry, as he insisted on being called by Mike, owned and operated the local Ace Hardware back in his hometown, drank too much during football games, and bought his spoiled daughter and her friends too many kegs for their house parties, and called everyone either "champ" or "bud."
"Jerry? Hi...how are...things?"
"Things are going great, Mike, my boy. But don't let me get caught up on home too much...hell, you'll be able to find out all you want when you're back here this weekend!"
"Oh yeah...wait? This weekend? What do you...what...I'm not..."
Before Mike could try and explain that he had no intention of going back home for the weekend, Jerry's booming voice poured out of the receiver and Mike soon learned the recent course of events.
Mike's ex-girlfriend, Mary, was a year younger than Mike, who had just started college. It being spring, it was prom and graduation season back home - events that a mere year ago had been the center of Mike's existence, but now that he had spent a year at college, seemed dull, gaudy, and just another excuse to get blacked out.
Mary's senior prom was this coming weekend, and seeing as how she didn't have a date, Jerry thought it would be a great idea to fly Mike back for the weekend and give his precious little daughter the biggest surprise of her senior year.
Mike wasn't totally adverse to the idea, although it did come as a bit of a shock. The two had split on relatively good terms, and Mike had kept in touch with Mary throughout his freshman year, and although he knew that she would love to get back together with him, Mike tried to keep their conversations and interactions as platonic as possible for the good of their friendship.
But all of these attitudes changed quite quickly when Jerry offered to fly Mike back home for the weekend.
Hell, Mike thought to himself, this could be a great weekend. I'll fly home, get blacked out at the prom, have a lot of drunk sex with Mary, and be back Monday in time for class. And with Jerry footing the bill for the whole thing, why not?
Mike agreed to fly home and be Mary's date for the prom, hung up the phone, and started packing.
***
Two days later, Mike was picked up at the airport by a limo and taken directly to Mary's neatly landscaped, two-story colonial. Jerry had a rented tux waiting for him in the guest room, and a weary but excited Mike quickly showered and changed.
When he was finished, he descended the stairs of the Fontano house to be met by a striking Mary with her father at her side. Mary beamed in blue prom dress and squealed with delight as she saw Mike coming down the stairs.
After giving Jerry a huge "Daddy-I-love-you-so-much" hug, she ran up to Mike and gave him a huge "I-can't-wait-to-get-drunk-and-fuck" hug. As Mike felt her full breasts push up against his chest, he smiled and congratulated himself on his wise decision to come home for the weekend.
Things were flying smoothly until they arrived at the Country Club where the prom was being held. Before the festivities began, dinner was served.
Mike, being starved from his long day of traveling, did not read the menu or think to ask what kind of sauce was on his large plate of pasta. Sadly, no one at the table commented on how delicious the calm sauce was. An extremely hungry Mike engulfed the whole plate in mere minutes.
It was only shortly afterward, when it felt like an army of fireants was eating away at his intestines, that Mike thought to ask what he had eaten for dinner.
He quickly glanced down at the menu card in the middle of the table and groaned as he read the words "Clam Sauce." Those were the two of the last words a person who had an extreme allergic reaction to shellfish wanted to read.
And Mike was one of those people.
Very allergic.
His colon was going to hate him for the next 24 hours.
"Are you alright, baby?" Mary asked, her eyes sparkling.
"Yeah...sure. No problem...just happy to be here with you." Mike said, forcing a smile while trying not to double over in pain.
It was right then that the dancing began. Mary dragged a sweating, sickly Mike out onto the dance floor. He knew he wasn't going to be able to last, but Mike decided he would be polite and last as long as he could before excusing himself to the bathroom where he could try and rid his stomach of the damned clam sauce.
Unfortunately, the prom DJ was good friends with all of Mary's best friends, and when they learned of Mike's return, they quickly made sure to add "Mary's Place" by Bruce Springsteen to the top of the request list - Mike and Mary's "song."
All the grinding and crotch pulsating had its effect on Mike's insides. His stomach felt awful, his blood pressure was through the roof, and all his thoughts were focused on the immaculate white porcelain of a clean toilet.
I can't take it anymore, Mike said to himself. I've got to go to the bathroom before I lose control of my sphincter and I shit myself on the dance floor.
As the song ended and Mary turned to laugh and talk with her girlfriends, Mike took the opportunity to bolt for the nearest bathroom without telling Mary, in hopes that he could return quickly enough that he could just pass it off as having to get a glass of water. Sadly, Mike's luck had run out.
As soon as he turned to head for the men's room, the DJ got on the mic:
"Well, ladies and gentlemen, I hope you're all having a good time! We're going to slow it down a bit here for two very special people, right now, so clear the dance floor for Mary and Mike!"
Spotlight on Mary in the center of the floor. Her face flushed, all of her best friends close by, yelling her name and telling her how beautiful she looked.
Mike stumbling - half way to the bathroom, pushing intoxicated high school seniors out of the way with total abandon, trying to overcome the surge of shit that wanted to so badly to exit his body.
Sarah was the first to notice that Mike was not joining Mary on the dance floor, and spotted him shoving his way through a crowd towards the exit.
That sonuvabitch, thought Sarah. It was my idea that the DJ play this song, and Mary is my best friend. This asshole isn't going to ruin her senior prom!
With righteous indignation, Sarah turned to her boyfriend, Terry, the starting center for the football team, and pointed out the problem.
Normally, Mike would have been able to beat Terry in a dead sprint any day of the week, but doubled over in pain and pushing people out of his way in a haze of pain to find the bathroom - Mike didn't stand a chance.
Just before Mike could push the door that read "Gentlemen", he saw Terry's 6'4'', 275 pound figure impede his path.
Oh no...please God...I just need to shit...please, just let him move out of the way...
Those were the thoughts that were going through Mike's head when he gave Terry a slight one handed shove to the midsection in an effort to get him to move out of the way.
Terry, somewhat drunk and slightly belligerent, took this physical contact to mean that Mike meant to fight him. Being no stranger to fights, Terry took advantage and indulged in his meatheadedness.
One would think that Terry would punch Mike in the head and knock him out. But no - that would be too easy.
Terry landed a massive blow to Mike's stomach - the last part of the body that Mike wanted touched at the moment.
"Oooooffffffff..." Mike moaned as he sank to the floor, while simultaneously releasing uncontrollable explosive diarrhea all over his newly rented tuxedo.
"Oh God! That reeks!" yelled Terry, as everyone's attention was drawn to the situation near the bathroom and a crowd began to form around the crumpled, soiled college freshman lying twisted and convulsing on the ground, like a retarded boy having a seizure.
***
In the space of an hour, Mike was bare ass naked, save for a towel, and standing in the middle of the Fontano kitchen being berated by Jerry, getting evil stares of death from an inconsolable Mary, still in her prom dress, and being told that he was never welcome there again.
Mike tried to explain the situation - the clam sauce - his allergy - the idiot football player - the sad turn of events...but it was no use.
Jerry threw him out of the house, told him never to come back, and to add insult to injury, threw the soiled tuxedo out after him, telling him it was his problem. When Mike arrived at the rental store the next day, he found that Jerry had not paid the $10 insurance fee and had to drop $200 to buy a brand new tux for the store.
Moral of the story: Never Help Anyone
User Reviews
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-04-23 03:58:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-13 08:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
EW!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-12 18:44:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
comical
Submitted by PoloboiGC (user info) at 2005-04-12 17:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the funniest shit. Because I have grown up and hung out with people like that my entire life. HAHAHAHA!
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-04-12 14:12:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-12 14:03:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this autobiographical?
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No...not autobiographical, but it is based on a true story.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-12 14:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this autobiographical?
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-04-12 13:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-12 13:06:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:32:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR ASS ASSPLOSION
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-12 13:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:32:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR ASS ASSPLOSION
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-04-12 12:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:48:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this...
i don't know if I liked the format for it or not...seems very past tense
when reading...I don't know if it adds or detracts- nice though.
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I thought about this a lot myself, actually. I was thinking of just making it another first person piece like a lot of the other stuff I've written...but I wanted to see if I could pull off a story I would usually go first person in the third person. I know it loses some of that personal acclamation that the reader gets with the author that can make 1st person so funny, but I gave it a try.
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:48:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this...
i don't know if I liked the format for it or not...seems very past tense
when reading...I don't know if it adds or detracts- nice though.
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:36:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Solid zero.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please tell me this did not really happen to you.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:32:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR ASS ASSPLOSION
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:29:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
painfully realistic and funny at the same time; Espo is one of the few guys here that could pull this off. Great work!
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:26:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:22:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
I want JW to make the lions tour, but I can't see it happening. It's a real shame.
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He'll make it have faith, Tindall and Vickery on the other hand......
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i've been the nice guy all my life...it sucked
i recently converted to assholyness...and it has changed my life
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:22:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
I want JW to make the lions tour, but I can't see it happening. It's a real shame.
Submitted by etbeliever (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:15:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gross but good. x
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:06:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OUCH
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:06:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
woah. woe.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-04-12 11:00:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok now I've read it you can have another +2
Oh and thorpe yes that is BOD.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-04-12 10:55:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The rented tux would have been in that Fontano guy's name... It's his problem, not Mike's.
Aside from that, very entertaining!
Submitted by Acorn (user info) at 2005-04-12 10:55:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's some nasty "shit". Reminds me of a similar when I was on the phone to an important client and had the feeling that I was going to release something that would pass through the eye of a needle. Damn those boxer shorts, it ended up on the office floor, stinking. I wear briefs now.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-04-12 10:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not read it yet but you get an auto +2 for the JW pic.
Incidentally do you think he'll make it on to the Lions tour?
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-12 10:49:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Long and I didn't read it. Have a +2.
If that's Brian O'Driscoll being tackled, this deserves twenty million -2s. But meh.