With Hostile Intent (1173 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.5 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lechuga (View user info) at 2005-04-12 16:42:27 EDT
I absolutely love it when I'm at a party; someone always manages to get the cops called. It's either "that guy" or some retard prancing about in the street, screaming wildly at the top of his lungs. And I especially love it when I have to run for miles to get away from the police, who are chasing me through the dark woods. Except when I say "love," I really mean, "get violent."
I take a Hematology 211 class at Mt. Holyoke College, and whenever I get on the bus to go there; the same fat and ugly Asian girl always manages to sit next to me. It wouldn't be so bad if she didn't smell like burned soy sauce, didn't blast really really shitty Chinese rap from her equally shitty iPod, and didn't insist on breathing on me every few seconds. She's probably from a white suburban town, and thinks she's "gangsta." Except in some sort of strange, obscure, Chinese way. Those crazy Asians.
When we studied Marsupials in my Biology class last semester, someone always would refer to a Koala as a "Koala Bear," at least once per class. Since we're studying Marsupials, why would the professor, who has to explain that they are in no way related to the bear family, bring up a mammal when we are studying something completely different? Clearly having explaining oneself to the point of suicide is the new fad among college professors.
Why is it that when McDonalds or another pig shit fast food chain puts out an ad for their new breakfast sandwich, they like to say "Now with a FULL HALF-POUND of [insert condiment/meat here]!" Why do you have to say a FULL half-pound? Isn't it implied? As opposed to saying a HALF half pound? Maybe the government is implementing some sort of Anti-Metric measurement system to fool the terrorists.
One of my pet peeves is when people misuse the word "Literally." People will often say something like "Dude, I was laughing so hard, I literally pissed myself!" When they say that, they're totally contradicting what the word is intended to be used for. I literally kill someone when they misuse the word.
I don't get why people insist on chewing with their mouth open. I want to listen to something other than wet food sloshing around in your gaping mouth, please shut it so you don't drool on me. I guess if you find a mottled mess of animal flesh enticing to look at, then please continue. Otherwise, please kill yourself. Maybe people haven't noticed, but you can breathe from two, yes, TWO places on your face!
Why do people still consistently buy iPods? Widely documented evidence clearly states that the battery (Which is nearly impossible to replace) will burn out after about 500 charges. iTunes sucks too. Shitty Macintosh software that's backwardly configured to run on a PC. You can always tell when someone has them too, because they're wearing the shitty headphones that come with it. I have to hand it to Apple though; they found a way to mimic Microsoft and sell hardware that will fail them in under 2 years. "Microsoft Works," anyone?
I think that the new meaning of the word "holler," which has been urbanly shortened to "holla" is quite possibly the dumbest of the new "rapper words." For example, when Lil' John coined the word "Crunk," which has next to no meaning at all, except something he likes to carry around in a gas can. I hear it everywhere, the streets, campus, on TV, in magazines, etc. People answer the phone "holla!" People say goodbye as "holla!" People might as well make a full language just out of it, since it seems to be taking place of nearly every word. Where is Noah Webster to lay the smack down when you need him?
Pre-ripped pants have to be the stupidest things I've ever seen. From what I've noticed, it actually INCREASES the price of the pants. Abercrombie And Fitch has discovered the perfect outlet for people to spend more money on clothes that are shittier in the store then when they were completed at the factory. Why not just tumble down a mountain, it has the same effect, and you might kill yourself in the process.
Skateboarders at my school are the worst people ever. Their boards are noisier than a car, which I didn't think was possible. They insist on showing off their "mad skillz" to people walking around, who scoff when they botch a kick flip. I think if they ditched the Emo clothes, haircut, and music, they might have a shot at not making people laugh. Where's natural selection when you need it to push them in front of a bus?
When I go to Stop & Shop, I sometimes see people buy about $40 worth of water. You know, the stuff that comes out of the tap, for FREE? I don't understand peoples' mindsets, because you can buy a Brita pitcher or Pur faucet attachment, and it achieves the same effect. Would you pay extra money to have a satellite phone, or use a normal cell phone, and get the same effect?
Something else I don't get is why every girl I meet who is a 50 Cent fan thinks he some sort of prolific looking guy. He looks like a gorilla. I'm not generalizing about all black dudes; just HE looks like a gorilla. He works out. HOLY SHIT NO ONE ON THE PLANET DOES THAT! MY GOD HE HAS TO BE HOT THEN! My question is, why would you name yourself chump change?
Remember back in freshman year of High School? There was always that one kid that had the really thin moustache, who refused to shave because he thought it made him look older. I met one such kid the other day, and he still had the same thin moustache, but it looked twice as retarded because he was so much older. Mach 3 Turbo, Gillette makes them for a reason.
Why do people insist on turning the bass up so high that when you drive along the road, your car actually vibrates? I walk down the street and I can hear these people about a mile away, with the *BOOM pause pause BOOM pause pause BOOM* shit shaking the windows nearly to the point of fracture. If all you can hear is bass, why bother with listening to the rest of the music? I think you achieve the same effect when you bash your head repeatedly into the steering wheel, but I'm just speculating.
What's the deal with people spicing up their '89 Honda Civic Wagon with $8,900 worth of custom body kits, lower springs, wings, lights, rims, new interiors, but fail to do anything to the engine? Isn't the whole point of all that shit to make the car a bit more aerodynamic at high speeds? Clearly the said inept car owners don't realize that these mods do nothing but add weight and drag to an already underpowered car. Your stock straight 4 has nothing on my V6 Dual Overhead Cam stock engine. But then again, my truck is lighter than your 5,000-pound Honda.
I sincerely think that the American public has its collective head up its collective ass. Mainly because the sales of the Gillette M3 power are through the roof. Do people actually think this thing does anything but vibrate? Do the "Micro-pulses" ACTUALLY raise the hair? Do you think a razor that moves side-to-side might actually cut the crap out of your face? It has a lopsided flywheel in it that spins. Like Buzz Lightyear's laser arm, a little light that blinks. It sort of reminds me of the "International" in the International House Of Pancakes: It's meaningless.
User Reviews
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:15:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
because you left this on my computer. you suck.
love you ashton.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-07-24 18:19:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Feel the anger. Let it burn.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-07-11 22:47:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
one of the best
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-29 06:41:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You really do shit gold don't you! I think this calls for a day spent looking through your stuff.
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-04-25 21:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Alright. 50 Cent isn't exactly handsome, but his music is alright, at a
stretch. On the bass thing, those people are fucking morons.
On the custom mods, no comment.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-13 12:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can back you on every one of these except the IHOP comment. You are going down, big time.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-04-13 12:36:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Werd!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-13 12:13:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We have a lot of the same hang-ups man.
Especially the chewing food with the mouth open thing. It "literally" throws me into a homicidal rage where I want to grab the person by their testicles/ovaries and um, hurt them. A lot.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-13 09:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Agreed on the whole bottled water marketing scam.
"But no, honey, it's SO much more pure!"
I call bullshit. I grew up on well water and am quite healthy.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-13 08:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good rant.
50 Cent is "urban" slang for $50,000.
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-04-13 07:27:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awww, poor angry youngin'
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-04-13 04:43:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2005-04-12 21:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DerivableZero (user info) at 2005-04-12 18:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
George Carlin did something like this on his Back in New York album... He called it "Free Floating Hostility". He also said what you did about the tap water. And the mustache, I believe.
Probably coincidence. Funny how the same things piss people off years later, isn't it?
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-04-12 17:49:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice Rant
Submitted by PoloboiGC (user info) at 2005-04-12 17:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pre-ripped pants have to be the stupidest things I've ever seen. From what I've noticed, it actually INCREASES the price of the pants. Abercrombie And Fitch has discovered the perfect outlet for people to spend more money on clothes that are shittier in the store then when they were completed at the factory. Why not just tumble down a mountain, it has the same effect, and you might kill yourself in the process.
ahah this is so true. I worked at abercombie and fitch for a year. Man idiot's you could just buy one of the cheaper pants and cut it yourself. and why the fuck would you want ripped pants? people are fucking retarded they think just because they wear abercombie it makes them look better. Sorry fucko' if your ugly and fat before you put on the shirt. Your going to be ugly and fat after. And now only queers wear the brand so.. it's dying slowly...
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2005-04-12 17:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
stop post whoring via AIM
-2 for you
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-04-12 17:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Why not just tumble down a mountain"
My great-grandfather died by tumbling down a mountain, you insensitive son of a bitch.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-12 17:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So many quotes I need to steal in this.......where to start!
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-04-12 17:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
andy rooney... FOR KIDS!
Submitted by SkinDiver (user info) at 2005-04-12 17:07:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Where is Noah Webster to lay the smack down when you need him?
nice
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-12 17:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GOOD RANT MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-04-12 16:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Do you have hemmoroids too?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-12 16:54:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That's a year's worth of Andy Rooney critiques right there....
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-12 16:52:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-04-12 16:52:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually bought an M3Power when it came out, because I needed a new razor anyway...
Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggg mistake.
Three weeks later, when my neck was done healing, and I was able to shave again, I bought my old standby, the plain and simple Mach 3.