My Kids Are Perverted NSFW (2213 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.33 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kochierRWH(981) (View user info) at 2005-04-12 19:33:15 EDT
Ok, so I'm an assisstant teacher in three Japanese middle schools. The grade levels are ichinensei, ninensei, and sannensei. Translated this just means "1st years", "2nd years", and "3rd years", and it's equivalent to American 7-9th grades. So the kids are about 12-15 years old.
For the ichinensei, they JUST started learning English. So this means they know nothing. Well, they know "Good Morning" and "I go to school by bike", but that's about it. Some of them don't even know that. It's not a bad thing, try to think about how much Spanish/French/German you knew after 3 years of it in High School. I took HS Spanish for 3 years and all I took out of it was "Yo quiero taco bell". My apologies to Mrs. Gonzalez, Ms. Kuchinski, and Mrs. Mach.
You know what's kind of funny though? Some kids can't say "Good morning", but damn near all of them can ask if I have a big dick. Or, "bigu dikku" in Engrish.
Y'see, Japan's an island no bigger than California, where everything is filtered. There are so few foreigners here, their only impressions of things outside of Japan comes from the media. And to be honest, they don't really give a damn about anything other than America. So yeah, try to imagine a country where the perceptions of you are created by your movies, music, and MTV. And when you stop crying and shaking at the sheer horror of that thought, I'll be here waiting.
....Okay? Ok. So anyway, the whole "black men have big dicks" stereotype stretches far and wide, even to the nation's 12 year olds. Part of why I'm here is not just to kind of sort of help teach English, but to "broaden cultural perceptions". Break stereotypes, challenge preconcieved notions, all that jazz. That's good and all, but this is one stereotype I think I'm just gonna let slide.
So anyway, I get asked "bigu dikku" A LOT. Every 2-3 days in fact, which is amazing considering I got asked this question about 2-3 times *in my entire life* in America. Locker room jokes aside. How do you answer that anyway? To a 12-15 year old? I wave them off and say "No no no." Then they say "Oh, sumaru dikku?" (trans. "Small dick?") and OF COURSE that's wrong so I have to correct them. It's just a no-win stiuation.
On the days I'm avoiding them asking me that, I'm avoiding them actually trying to grab it. I shit you not, I have to play Dodgedick with Japanese Jr. High kids on a weekly basis. Boys and girls! Age, gender, doesn't matter, they all want a stab at it. The boys are actually more persistant though. I had one boy grab for it, and when I said "No!" he put his hands together and, in English, said "Please!" Oh hell no. I was sitting next to a 12-year old boy who kept grabbing at it, and when I told him "No!" he asked "Why not?" I wondered if there weren't some cultural bounds I wasn't understsanding, so I said clearly "age 10 years and become female since birth, then we'll talk." His solution was to ask the girl sitting next to him to trade seats, grab my dick, and tell him about it.
That is so NOT what I meant.
I wish I could say it stops there, but actually, it gets worse. Let me introduce you to a game Japanese kids like to play called "Kancho."
Actually, it's not so much a "game" as it is kids clasping their hands together, sticking out their first fingers, and shoving them up your butt. I'm really not joking.
You know, before we come to Japan, they tell us a lot of ultimately useless stuff. What kind of computer to bring, if our DVD's will work, clothing sizes, that kind of nonsense. Nowhere, and I mean nowhere, in the 3-4 months of orientations did anyone ever mention that at some point, a Japanese kid may try to stick their fingers up our butt. That's something I would have liked to know, personally.
It's called Kancho, and just about any kid can be a Kancho Assassin. Even the sweetest little girl may be prone to jam her fingers up your ass the second you turn around. This happened to one of my friends, which just goes to show - don't trust anyone. I'd say the little girls are the most dangerous cause they have natural ways of lowering your defenses.
I was pretty lucky. Before I came, I bought a really big, really baggy pair of pants. The kids try to Kancho...but they just have no idea where my ass is! It's beautiful! I had one kid try and find his fingers hit nothing but jean fabric and air. Yes! But I've actually gotten pretty good at dodging it, much like Spider-man I have developed a Kancho Sense that tells me where and when it's coming before it comes. I parry fingers like a pro. My record is still 100% Kancho Free. Ha! America 2, Japan 0.
All in a day's work I suppose.
User Reviews
Submitted by kochier (user info) at 2005-04-13 23:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
slovin the only reason I -2 your posts is couase you went through my posts and did that to a lot of them
Submitted by DerivableZero (user info) at 2005-04-13 16:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm a big fan of that guy's website... Kancho is a joke among my friends and I.
No hard feelings.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-04-13 15:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I would really really really like to know HOW anyone found the website this was jacked from.... I mean, seriously. Are some of you the plaigiarism police?
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-04-13 11:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
doubt it's horse... meth seems more likely to me.
funny stuff.
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-04-13 10:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Look at her arm. Does anyone else see rubber band lines and needle sores? Heroin user?
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-13 10:01:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sicko
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-13 09:49:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
errrraaahhhh
no
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-04-13 06:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Your camwhore confirms my suspicions that the only thing you could possibly be good for is sucking dick.
You have a choice: Either you get on your knees and put my cock in your mouth, or you FUCK OFF!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-13 01:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hahaha somebody's getting a nuking
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-13 01:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NERD FIGHT WATCH OUT!!
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-04-13 01:40:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
By the way, thanks for going back and taking the time to -2 all of my posts just because I pointed out your bullshit plagiarism.
When are you fucknuts going to get it through your fucking skulls that this shit is NOT tolerated and we are NOT amused by it? It's not a "oh damn, you caught me this time" deal, you fucking idiot, it's a DON'T FUCKING EVER DO IT situation.
It takes approximately 5 seconds to run the first few words of your article through Google to tell me you stole it. Thinking you can get away with this shit is absolutely retarded and unnecessary in the first place.
If you can't write decent material of your own accord why the fuck are you still here submitting shit post after shit post? You're a leech on the system and you should die.
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2005-04-13 01:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-04-12 20:01:27 (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't know what is more disgusting...her face
or the heroin tracks on her arm.
____________________________________________________________
Damnit, I was just about to say....
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-13 01:02:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Naery (user info) at 2005-04-13 00:46:50 (#)
Ranking: -2
Williamson-san, naze "watashi" ga uta? Oosaka wa kansai de desu dakara kansaiban shabereru. Watashi wa kansaiban de boku desu moshi anatawa otoko desu to atashi moshi ona.
hai, owata.
I live near Kobe, also Kansai
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Watashi no nihongo wa heta kara "watashi" ga iu. Watashi wa Osutoraria jin desu. Soshite Osutoraria de gakkou de "watashi" wo naraimashita. Ainiku chotto dake kansaiben wakaru. Kansaiben wa mecha muzukashi da to omou. Kantanchau.
Kobe wa mecha kireiina! Kobe de daibutsu no chikai ni BOKU wa takusan shika mitta. Kirekattayo.
Anata wa Nihonjin ka Gaijin desuka?
Submitted by Naery (user info) at 2005-04-13 00:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Williamson-san, naze "watashi" ga uta? Oosaka wa kansai de desu dakara kansaiban shabereru. Watashi wa kansaiban de boku desu moshi anatawa otoko desu to atashi moshi ona.
hai, owata.
I live near Kobe, also Kansai
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-12 22:04:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-04-12 21:19:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Even the sweetest little girl may be prone to jam her fingers up your ass the second you turn around"
-----
First stop on my 'travel the world' itenerary... JAPAN!
Well...second stop.
-=-=----
HAHAHA
Seriously, the nipps are one fucked up race of perverts.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-12 21:59:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't read this, but apparently it's plagiarized, so go fuck yourself.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-04-12 21:19:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Even the sweetest little girl may be prone to jam her fingers up your ass the second you turn around"
-----
First stop on my 'travel the world' itenerary... JAPAN!
Well...second stop.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-12 20:53:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fucking retard.
Submitted by kochier (user info) at 2005-04-12 20:31:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GOD DAM IT YAMS YOU STOLE MY NEXT POST
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-04-12 20:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
In The Ghetto
I work in three different schools. Two of the schools are really nice - one was built just 7 years ago. The teacher described it to me as a "hotel" when he took me to it the first time. I thought it was just Engrish at work again, but it kind of does look like a hotel. Aside from the looks, the students are all pretty good. There are some rough and rowdy kids, but on the whole they're not bad.
One of my schools is in the ghetto.
Well, it's not actually in the ghetto. It's close though. In my town there's an old and new part. The new part is really, really nice. There's a science city and everything's new and shiny and the works. The old part is, well, old. But the REAL division lies behind the train tracks, where things turn really ghetto. Yes, the Japanese ghetto, if you can imagine. So it is literally "the wrong side of the tracks".
Amusingly enough, it's directly behind the tracks where my first apartment was located.
So anyway, this is the school for...the ghetto. Looks like it too. The school is old and crumbling, looks like a old WWII hangover that we didn't fail to bomb a few times. Old, that's the key word, everything's just old. And the students...well...the ninensei are all great. They're adorable, I love them. The ichinensei are mostly good, the exception being a group of boys who think they're cute by talking in class and making crude jokes. The first time I met them, before school started, they introduced themselves using dirty names. Only problem is they used Engrish, and while I understand English and a lot of Japanese, I don't get Engrish. So they all had great fun while I seriously made an effort to memorize their names; Mr, Sex, Mr. Condom, Mr. Cream, etc. Ha ha. It wasn't until one of them used a dirty word in Japanese when I caught on. And don't ask how I know the dirty words in Japanese, I just do.
And the sannensei are bastards. Okay, I know you're thinking it's a bit harsh to call some 15 year old kids bastards, but they really are. I can't generalize, there are a lot of good students who try hard, they really do. The rest are bastards though. They're trying so hard to be cool, which just isn't going to happen because
1. They're 15.
2. They don't listen in class, and just bother the ones who do, and thus are stupid.
3. You can leave your shirt untucked, roll up your skirt, unbutton your shirts, etc, but you're still wearing a school uniform, which will NEVER be cool.
There's more of course, but getting into it would require writing more of a novel than I'd like to. Unfortunately, Japanese Jr High Schools at least, have two rather silly rules.
1. The students have the right to attend class. So, no matter what they're doing, we can't kick them out. Also, there's nothing like detention.
2. No matter what, a student will pass through the grades and graduate. Even if he/she does ZERO work.
Think about that for a moment. You're 14 years old, in school. Someone tells you you can talk, skip class, basically do whatever you want, and not only *not* get in trouble for it, but you're going to graduate anyway? ....Yeah. So, this year we've got a lot of bastards. I consider it a good day when they all decide to skip, or put on their headphones, head for the back, and go to sleep.
Yes, this is a JAPANESE school. Surprising, aint it?
By far the worst are these two girls. Japan has a trend of young people dying their hair light brown/blonde and girls wearing lots of makeup. Okay, fine, whatever floats your boat, but you kind of figure it wouldn't extend to the 15 year olds. Not these two. Golden hair, more makeup than any respectable clown would wear, and they've got their skirts hiked up so far I don't know why they bother putting them on at all. I look at them and just see a waste of human parts. Yes, it's that bad.
lolz!!! roflcopter liek dat took a lot of effrt!!!lmao
Submitted by Howie_Felter (user info) at 2005-04-12 20:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you didn't even pick something GOOD to steal...shame shame
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-04-12 20:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Terrible!
Submitted by Flaahgra (user info) at 2005-04-12 20:04:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 for making me laugh
-4 for plagiarising
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-04-12 20:01:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't know what is more disgusting...her face
or the heroin tracks on her arm.
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2005-04-12 20:00:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah, you're a black dude...apparently not, according to your camwhore. How about you stop cutting and pasting other people's work and use your head?
You should get -2 tattood in scarlet on your chest...you besmirched your own name. Fuck off, you tosser.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-04-12 19:59:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dubyateehef?
Submitted by kochier (user info) at 2005-04-12 19:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There is nothing wrong with a bondage fetish
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2005-04-12 19:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-04-12 19:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Plagiarism is only funny when someone steals from Maddox or the MVM.
And what's with your insane bondage fetish?
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-12 19:50:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Plagiarist fuck.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-12 19:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kancho? Uso.
Nihon de doko ni sunde imasuka? Watashi wa Oosaka ni ikkagatsukan sunda soshite daisuki datta. Demo, ainiku ni watashi no nihongo sugoi heta desu.
Watashi wa hakujin soshite nihon de watashi mo, kodomo kara, "bigg dikku?" kikimashita.
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-04-12 19:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I would tell you to write your own material but apparently you suck ass at that too.
PLAGIARISED.
Übersite is no place for assclowns like you. Just GTFO.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2005-04-12 19:46:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Aw. Fuck you.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2005-04-12 19:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, Japanese people are fucked up.
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-04-12 19:44:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://omega.med.yale.edu/~pcy5/japanese/teacher1.html
FUCK OFF, PLAGIARISTS