The Special Special Olympians (639 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.14 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mario (View user info) at 2005-04-14 08:32:58 EDT
It was a beautiful summer afternoon, in a very cliched way. A young man, let's call him...Mike...was volunteered to go and help with the athletes at the Special Olympics. You see, at the school where Mike attends, it is customary for the higher echelons to "volunteer" people to do things. Got leaves that need raking? No, don't hire a platoon of Mexican banditos, have the pissant freshmen do it! Nothing is cheaper than free!
Mike begrudgingly made his way down to the athletic field where the Special Olympians were waiting. It's not that he didn't want to help, it's that he hadn't seen his girlfriend in weeks and was hoping to go see her on this day, a Saturday. Anyway, Mike approached the motley crew of special people and met his athlete. He met his new friend and found out his name was Ralph. Around his neck, he had what looked like a rolodex hanging off a necklace. Mike found out that the index cards list what "issues" Ralph had, one issue per card. Ralph also had a leash, the kind that can pull out very far and has a button to stop the line feed.
"Hi guy" said Ralph's orderly. "Now, you should know that you need to keep Ralph away from the females here." Mike was somewhat confused until he saw the card around Ralph's neck..."Molestor of all things female". As soon as Mike finished reading the index card, a moderately attractive female walked by. Before he even had time to think, Ralph the Molestor pounced on his unsuspecting prey and enveloped her in a special bear hug, taking her to the ground. "Ralph man, you need to get off that girl" said Mike, hoping that his higher reasoning skills would convince the affectionate Don Juan to dismount his shell-shocked prey. "Mike, you need to be physical with him" said the orderly. Mike got down and tried to pry Ralph off the swiss milk maid, but to no avail. "Mike, more aggressive." Again Mike tried, but had no effect on the amorous Ralph. "Get off her Ralph! Now!" screamed Mike, using all his force to pry Ralph off the thoroughly confused young woman. Ralph stumbled back and fell over, making wimpering sounds. Just as that happened, a shadow slowly started creeping up behind Mike. Turning around, Mike saw the last thing he'd expect...General X stood before him and shouted "Cadet Mike, what in the hell are you doing?!?!". After rdispensing a modest ass chewing, the good General was on his way. That is the story of Ralph the Molestor.
After this incident, Ralph was sent up to go be a part of the "special special" Olympians, the nefarious characters that were the most difficult to take care of. For some reason or another, one that Mike cannot remember, the Special Specials were gathered on the perimeter of a pool. All seemed to be going well when suddenly Ralph fell on the ground and started convulsing uncontrolably. "Ralph also is prone to epileptic seizures" said his orderly, in a very soothing way. Mike tried to go over and help Ralph, who now looked like an acid-head breakdancing. "Oh, don't touch him, just make sure he doesn't hit his head on anything and just cheer him on." Cheer him on? Ok...."Yeah Ralph, love your moves, way to go bud....oh, good one!" shouted Mike. Mike stood there cheering the kid on when the ominous shadow once again appeared over his shoulder. "CADET MIKE! Why the hell are you making fun of that kid?!?! Control the situation!!!" the silver-backed General shouted. Mike tried to explain that he was following the directions of the orderly, but his words fell on deaf ears. "Watch your ass, soldier!". That is the story of Ralph the Electric Spasticator.
About half an hour after Ralph premiered his new street dancing skills, the school wanted to feed all the Special Specials. They were given brown paper bags with a sandwhich, chips, a soda, and an apple. Ralph "You got served" the Molestor opened up his bag and brought forth a shiny green apple from the bag, holding it at arm's length and closely inspecting the magical fruit. Mike watched as Ralph pondered the merits of eating the apple....in the middle of his trance, Ralph suddenly did the incredible: he took the apple and swallowed it whole, no biting, no chewing. It was like nothing he had ever seen...like a double-fisting from hell. Mike was quite concerned, for he could see the apple's outline clearly in Ralph's neck, he looked like a constrictor that had just eaten a kangaroo. "Ah, don't worry chile, Ralph likes to eat his foods whole. Bananas, pickles, he eats them all like that." Ralph the Digestor wasn't looking so well though....his eyes were bulging out of his head and he was making small "ack...ack!" noises, much like those of a cat coughing a hair ball. "No worries chile, it'll pass" said the orderly. A medic stood by to the side and stared, dumbfounded. "Shiieeeeeeeeet....I don't know what the hell you folks want me to do with this" said the medic in a thick Georgian drawl. Before his eyes, Mike saw the contour of the apple slowly make its way down Ralph's neck, finally moving out of view. Ralph looked as if nothing had happened to him, he had the placid look of a Hindu cow.
Mike looked down in relief...no! There it was...the shadow! "Cadet, what the @*#*@! Why didn't you try to administer first aid?!" "Sorry sir, but you see, his orderly told me to leave him and we have a medic right here." Bad answer. This final incident merited a trip to the General's office at 6 am that next Monday. The events that transpired there would merit another post in themself. And that is the story of Ralph...the specialtest of them all.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-04-14 11:01:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it was pretty damn funny.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-14 09:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
how odd.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-14 09:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kind of average, at best, with a picture I've now seen 1,264 times.
Submitted by Sarcasticus (user info) at 2005-04-14 09:29:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The apple thing...man, that's hard to do!
Submitted by CLAIRE1 (user info) at 2005-04-14 09:01:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What is better than winning 6 gold medals at the special olympics?
NOT BEING RETARDED!!!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-14 08:53:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel bad laughing at retards, but it's really hard not to.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-14 08:51:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I can normally laugh at the tards, but this was lacking soomehow.