The Deffinition of Irony (1176 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.93 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AshK <alkite at gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-04-14 11:35:52 EDT
I used to think the world was out to get me, and that I was a living breathing example of Murphy's Law. Now I see that the cosmos is actually just toying with me for its own sick amusement.
I was out of town on a business trip when the proverbial shit hit the industrial speed mega-fan.
I had returned to my hotel room after a nice supper and had just ordered the midgets, virgins and Jell-o be sent to my room, (what?! Isn't that what everyone does in hotel rooms?) when my husband called to give me the news. My son had served a half day of in school suspension. That isn't what they call it in this touchy feely age, but that is what it was. What was he in for? Swearing at another student.
Now, this is what kind of twisted freak of a man my husband is, he stopped with that and let me react. Now, I don't think a ten-year-old should be swearing at school, or at home, or in the shower or anywhere for that matter, BUT I didn't think it was the end of the world. He got caught, he got punished, he'll get a lecture and a grounding at home, lets move on. "Oh just wait," says my darling dearest "don't you want to know what he said?" Oh boy. This isn't going to be good.
Apparently said victim of my child's verbal abuse had been picking on the object of my child's latest crush. Words were exchanged, some shoving ensued and a good solid sucker punch was thrown. From what I hear that little girl has a mean right hook. Anyway, at this point my sweet innocent wonder boy decides he needs to get involved in protecting the virtue of his little girlfriend. I am convinced his girlfriend could whoop him AND the offender, but I guess it was time to be a manly boy.
According to the playground Gestapo (same woman from when I was in school for gods sake, don't they ever die?!) my son and the boy got in a shoving/screaming match. I guess my son out screamed the other kid, because he was heard by a majority of the playground yelling "At least I don't go home at night and suck my dad's dick."
BIG LONG PAUSE
WHAT?!?! Now, I have been known to curse...a lot.....daily, but even I haven't used that particular phrase at ANY point in my life. Little boys are a mystery to me. What happened to Shit, Hell and Damn? Not my boy, ohhhh no. He has to whoop out the big guns. I am still a little in awe of the magnitude of his outburst.
Anyhoo, the lecture was long and the grounding was longer. "It just came out before I could think." was the main line of defense. We have established some peace at this point. I think we will all survive, him his punishment and us the utter humiliation.
What does all this have to do with irony? On the front page of the Shelbyville Daily Union on Monday April 11th was a picture of our son's verbal abusee's dad. In jailhouse stripes and handcuffs. The charge? Possession of Child Pornography.
I guess we need to have a talk with our son.
Can I have a normal day? Huh? Can I?
Here is the result of googling "Normal Day". Lots of dog but.
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-09 14:26:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to clean my language up NOW. The boy is going to have the foulest mouth in the world if I don't. I cuss at everything, in happiness and anger both.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-04-18 17:33:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good thing Alanis Morissette isn't reviewing this. +++
"Isn't It Ironic?" (Actually, Alanis, that would be ironic, unlike everything in your song.)
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-04-14 20:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your kid is such a fucking badass.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-14 20:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Son: Gimme the ball GOD DAMMIT!
Me: I'm sorry what was that?
Son: Make me a HAM SAMMIT <pause> ccchh.
Me: Say sorry for the dog for using bad words.
Son: Sorry I called you a craphead....dumbass.
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holy fuck that's the funniest thing i've read all day. four years old and he comes up with "HAM SAMMIT <pause> ccchh." that kid will own us all some day.
Submitted by Umbilical_Cord (user info) at 2005-04-14 20:12:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for having such a badassed kid.
Submitted by GreenRiver (user info) at 2005-04-14 19:51:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me laugh, good stuff.
Submitted by Methodius (user info) at 2005-04-14 18:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your son is the shit. Lol. Oh, he's going to be a GOD on the playground, I'm telling you... a GOD. Just wait until he gets older and finds ubersite.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:52:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Son: Gimme the ball GOD DAMMIT!
Me: I'm sorry what was that?
Son: Make me a HAM SAMMIT <pause> ccchh.
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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAsnort!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My son is four and last week while attempting to wrestle a ball out of the dog's mouth the following conversation occurred.
Son: Gimme the ball GOD DAMMIT!
Me: I'm sorry what was that?
Son: Make me a HAM SAMMIT <pause> ccchh.
Me: <quizzical look> Have you been reading on Mommy's Ubersite?
Son: I can't read yet remember Mommy? <rolls eyes>
Me: What did you just say to the dog?
Son: He's not sharing, he's being a craphead.
Me: What did Mommy tell you about saying bad words?
Son: <lowers head> Not till I'm sixteen.
Me: Say sorry for the dog for using bad words.
Son: Sorry I called you a craphead....dumbass.
Me: <Slaps forehead> I give up.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-14 15:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-04-14 12:42:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. Maybe that kid needs to enter the next rip battle with "Frap".
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-04-14 13:54:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-04-14 13:51:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Sweet Home Alabama" plays in background]
Garland Greene: Define irony: a bunch of idiots dancing around on a plane to a song made famous by a band that died in a plane crash.
Steve Buscemi-Con Air 1997
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2005-04-14 13:33:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You raised a fine son.
When I was four I called my uncle a "fucking bastard pooface" because he was trying to make me put on a coat before I ventured out into the fierce Canadian winter. I got a healthy dose of tobasco sauce on the tongue.
I've never been one to curse much.
Submitted by gtz (user info) at 2005-04-14 13:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-04-14 13:14:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-04-14 12:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My second word was bollocks.
my first was ovaltine.
I was a strange child.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-14 12:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your kid has been reading WhatTheHell's Ubersite posts, apparently.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-04-14 12:43:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-14 12:30:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
But maybe the other kid DOES go home at night and....
Ewwwwwww!
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Then we'll have to change the lecture to
"Just like you don't point out mommy's fat thighs, you don't point out the cocksucking abilities of your classmates."
Children should come with warning labels.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-04-14 12:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. Maybe that kid needs to enter the next rip battle with "Frap".
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-14 12:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But maybe the other kid DOES go home at night and....
Ewwwwwww!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-04-14 12:27:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is that technically cursing? The only "bad" word he said was dick.
I would have a hard time lecturing the kid without bursting out laughing, but then I once encouraged a 9-year-old kid to tell an adult to "piss off" oh yes I did.
A couple of us had somehow gotten roped into taking a bunch of kids from karate to one of those horrible pizza video game funhouse places. The kids were playing in some sort of cage thing meaning that they were not bothering me. Suddenly one of the kids came over and flopped down in the booth next to us looking all dejected and sad.
I asked him what happened and he said that some man had told him to get out of the cage because he was too big. I checked and he was shorter than the little "you must be shorter than this sign" thing so I asked him if they guy worked there and he said no that he was the dad of one of the little kids playing in there. I told him to go back in there and if they guy bothered him again to tell him to piss off and come talk to us if he had a problem.
I watched it all happen and it was pretty funny to see the expression of the guy's face. I expected him to come storming over to us and get his ass kicked, but instead he went running to some pimply teenage kid who worked there like a little bitch. The kid showed him the sign and I don't know what he said but the guy got his kid out of there and left in a huff.
I wonder if I should send a care package to that kid in juvy hall you know for old times sake.
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-14 12:12:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
when I was 12, a little six year old girl called my friends and i motherfuckers.... I don't remember what we did to her, probably just told her to leave us alone. We all stood there in shock...
Submitted by GroundHogSlayer (user info) at 2005-04-14 12:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good mama
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-04-14 12:03:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kids are great, aren't they?
I got a call from my sons daycare a couple weeks ago.
Apparently, when his teacher told him to take a time out, he told her to 'go fuck herself' and then bit her.
He's 2 1/2.
Ahh the joys of having to let his mother visit with him; she's such a charmer ya know.
I concur, it's good to have you back.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-14 11:55:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn I'm glad you're back.
Stories like this have been few and far between for a while now.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-04-14 11:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny in a morbid kind of way, I s'pose.
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-04-14 11:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Usually kids repeat what they've heard. My daughter once said that she didn't want to go outside because she would "freeze her nuts off". She was much younger than ten. She is now nine and I grimace to think what could possibly come out of her mouth now.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-14 11:46:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-14 11:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh man.
Althout it does remind me of this.
"more better you look after them and care for them ,than they get on the street uh?"
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-04-14 11:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wah ha ha... TOP kid!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-14 11:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My brother is 12 and he's the same way. He always says really random and nasty stuff. It's hilarious.
Your kid rules.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-14 11:43:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I did something similar when I was in 4th grade. I called some other kid's dad a fag. He ratted me out, and I caught hell over it. A few months later, the kid's dad divorced his mom and came out.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-04-14 11:42:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AhHaHaHaHa! Punishment? The boy deserves a firm handshake and a solid pat on the back!
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-04-14 11:41:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-04-14 11:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i could care less about that spelling mistake. it happens to all of us.
that is one AWESOME kid you have there. i cracked up at the thought of a ten year old screaming that out....HAHAHA.....awesome kid.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-14 11:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That girl is going to come back and murder him.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-04-14 11:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
And the definition of bad spelling! ARGH The title? For Fucksake, THE TITLE?!?!?!
-2, die.
ffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt......