Why Old People Shouldn't Own Cellphones (4367 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.77 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2005-04-14 17:21:52 EDT
The elderly have lived full lives and I respect them for the knowledge that they can pass down to a young chap like myself. I can sit and talk for hours to grandpa about the "floozies" he romped with back in the old days. I can get worldly advice from grandma to pass onto my children when I decide to have some.
But under no circumstance should anyone over the age of 70 handle any product of modern technology.
My boss is up there when it comes to age. He gets confused quite easily.
"Justin, how do you use this dag-blasted contraption?"
"You mean the stapler?"
For years, he had been using one of the automatic ones that staples the paper when you stick it under it. When it broke, we had to pull out one of the older staplers. You know, the manual ones.
"It looks funny, how the hell do you use it?"
"You put a few pieces of paper between it and you... staple it. Just press on the top."
He tapped the top like it was a fragile button.
"No, harder."
He tapped it harder, but not hard enough.
"Okay, slam your hand down on it."
Shouldn't have said that. He brought his wrinkled fist down ontop of it, smashing it into two pieces and sending staples flying all over the place. Then he stammered out of the room.
Yesterday, he invested in one of those camera phones. He had never owned a cellphone before in his entire life. In fact, from the way he is, I wouldn't be surprised if he had never used a land-line phone. He begged me to show him how to use all of the "nifty thingamajiggy features" of the phone, so I did.
Unfortunately, the first thing he mastered was sending text messages. My phone makes an annoying ringing sound when I get texts. It sounds like "buddaloop".
When I was on my lunch break, my cell started going crazy. "Buddaloop, buddaloop".
"What the hell is that, Justin?"
I looked down at my phone, wondering why I was getting that many texts.
"It must be from.... <buddaloop>... my ex....<buddaloop>... she used to text me all the time...<buddaloop>.. when we dated."
I reached down and turned my phone off, not thinking a thing about it. When I got back to the office, I turned it back on to make a call and I'm greeted with a nice message on my screen.
"50 new inbox messages. Inbox full. 23 messages waiting."
I checked the first message: "hey justin. i figured it out."
And the second message: "cathy, can you tell fred to come to my office?"
Okay, actually it was more like: "cat8h, cn u t3l ferdd 2 cum 2 my off. thx."
After reading through several of the messages, I had soon discovered that this idiot has been texting several people but sending all of the messages to my phone.
Before my shift was over, I knocked on his office door.
"Hold on, I'm on the phone."
Finally, the bastard learns how to use the phone part of the... phone.
After waiting a little while, I just decided to burst into his office. He's my friend, I can do that.
But I didn't want to. Not today anyway.
As I pulled the door open, there he was sitting in his chair in his boxers. Where was his phone? Attached to the clip on his pants. Where were his pants? Hanging from his phone as he was talking on it. He just gave me an awkward stare and turned to the side, talking on his now pants-hanger.
Apparently when his phone rang, he couldn't get the phone off of his pants to talk on it, so he did the next best thing-- which was remove the pants. I'm honestly thinking about asking for that raise I've been wanting.
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-03-27 14:45:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-01 19:31:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How the FUCK did I miss this???
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-03-01 14:14:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how the hell did I miss this?
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:37:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh shit.
I can't breathe!
Laughing too much.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-25 14:10:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nballstar8 (user info) at 2005-06-10 16:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude fucking hilarious u should make a sitcom on COMEDY CENTRAL about your daily life and your boss easy money man
peace out
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2005-04-23 12:05:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-04-22 07:49:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh sideburns..you and your hilarious antics
Submitted by baking_Lady (user info) at 2005-04-22 07:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-04-19 15:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We might have had the same boss at one point in time.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-04-19 14:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha.
post more often, crapass.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-04-19 00:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
S.Burs, I showed this story to a girl the other night (one of those friend girl-friends) and she literally fell down. Laughing. Totally serious.
Submitted by NocternalDragon (user info) at 2005-04-19 00:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-04-19 00:31:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have dearly missed your posts...
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-04-18 16:10:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn funny. I too have missed your stories
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-04-18 13:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2005-04-17 03:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In short, the auth icon is who you are. YOU! The purpose of the auth icon is to signify that a particular message was actually submitted by a particular user. While messages that do not have an auth icon may have been submitted by the person whose name appears as the submitter, that is not necessarily the case. This is still not proof that the user is who they claim to be, but your old world identity (a.k.a. legal birth name) matters not to Ubersite.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-04-17 00:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:11:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty amusing..
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-15 11:06:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-15 09:52:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Old people smell funny.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-15 09:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome back! We've missed you.
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-04-15 07:45:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. I generally count the technology whilst on the bus to work. yesterday there were two people taking on phones and four had ipods. one of the four as a little blue-grey haird old ladie. I wondered what the hell she had playing on it. I was imagining System of a Down, Cradle of Filth and a bit of Linkin Park. It was so hard not to laugh out loud.
2. my father in law has a mobile. he's 65. he does not get how to use it. he also does not get that while it is cheaper for him to call his eldest son on his mobile due to them having the same network, it is not cheaper for him to call his other two sons (one of which is my hubby) but STILL DOES IT ANYWAY.
3.finally, not all old people are technological numnors. my grandmother has a mobile, texts me on a regular basis, uses the computer to email me, enjoys her midband internet access (not quite broadband 'cos her cottage is in the middle of nowhere) and digital telly. My grandad writes stuff to use in microsoft flight sim [accurate cockpits, landscpes around their cottage...] and also is tryig to build generators so that when the oil runs out, they can still ahve light, heat and possibly a computer. They are 63 and 62 respectively. they rock like big boulders.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-04-15 07:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by madmadunic (user info) at 2005-04-14 20:16:15 (#)
Ranking: -2
Old world values meet 21st century technology in an action packed tale of contrast and frivolity.
_____
aaaajajaja
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-04-15 00:51:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was cool. But I have a theory that only children and old people truly need cells. You can understand why children need them, watch "Man On Fire" if you haven't. But old people, like the lady who's fallen and can't get up?
Well, just a theory. I'm just so goddamned tired of being in the middle of some deep-ass conversation with a chick, and her cell rings right when I'm getting to the good part.
"Hang on."
15 minutes pass
By the time she's back she's drinking a Red Bull and off on some story about a stoner ex who needs me to pick his ass up broken down on the side of the road an hour away. See, something is lost there. Cells suck when hot girls use them, since they ring every 78 seconds. You know what I mean.
Great post.
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2005-04-14 22:40:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's been so long!
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-14 21:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad, certainly nothing great.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-04-14 21:06:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And here I thought it was because.......
THEY TALK LIKE THIS!!!!
Submitted by madmadunic (user info) at 2005-04-14 20:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Old world values meet 21st century technology in an action packed tale of contrast and frivolity.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-04-14 19:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you were Sideburns, people would be giving this +2s
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-04-14 18:12:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me vaguely of a story someone told me over AIM a few minutes ago.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-04-14 18:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha. that old six flags guy creeps me out. he's way too energetic to be that age.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-04-14 18:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry, God. I've been burned out alot, hence my only posting once or twice a month. Work, school, and everything else mixed in has sucked out my creative juice. So, I just decided to post a little story about my work-life. Figured it'll amuse a few. I don't have the imagination to "uberize" it.
But thanks for holding me to high standards.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of how Maxwell Smart used to use his shoe as a phone.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:53:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:37:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
They should replace the guy with the glasses with some old dude..."Can you hear me now? What? Can you hear me now? Canteloupe spear my brow? What...?"
========================================================
Just replace the Verizon guy with the Six Flags dancing old man.
Dance old man! Dance!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:52:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, but I LOVE you, Justin.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:50:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure that right after you've caught the old guy with his pants down, is the perfect time to ask for a raise.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:50:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
this is just not even close to being up to par with my standards for you. Throw a different name on this post and you have mediocrity, sans a few lines.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:49:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
I know people like that...
One of my neighbors is the typical "getting shitty reception, so I'll just yell as loud as I can" kind of people...
Submitted by sixxforty (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:48:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by russizm (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:26:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Old people shouldn't own anything.
Cell Phones.
Credit Cards.
I'm sure I could make a much bigger list if I had motivation!
-------------------------------
cars
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:47:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, totally!
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Old people suck.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate you Kristen.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How exactly does on "stammer" out of a room?
MUAH! :p
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:37:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They should replace the guy with the glasses with some old dude..."Can you hear me now? What? Can you hear me now? Canteloupe spear my brow? What...?"
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:34:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, my grandma had the same types of problems with the stereo I got her for Christmas.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by russizm (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Old people shouldn't own anything.
Cell Phones.
Credit Cards.
I'm sure I could make a much bigger list if I had motivation!
Submitted by IcyBlackHand (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:26:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's been a rough month and a half without your stories. Well, not roguh, but certaintly uncomfortable, like when the doctor grabs your junk.