Claiming to score 15 times in a night...drunk (734 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GroundHogSlayer (View user info) at 2005-04-15 12:07:03 EDT
One of my friends, well all of them and me, are full of shit. I mean there is usually little truth about these guys' stories. But they're good men. Diluted from reality, but still good men. This one in particular, is the fullest of the shit, and it rang through with every story he's ever told me. So when he revealed to me that he had the hots for this chick that could pass for a guy, I didn't believe him.
Now in the girl's defense, she wasn't a dike or a butch, she just cut her hair really short and styled it like a guy. Nobody ever knew why (I found out later it was personal reasons), but it got her kicked out of the Girl's locker-room a few times.
Anyway, my friend Vogt (Brian Vogt, but the name Vogt is so cool, I have to call him it), tells me one day that he had a wet dream over this girl and was going to ask her out. I laughed my ass off but the sumbitch did it nevertheless.
They seemed to be a good couple. Both enjoyed physical pain, very intimate, appeared to get along. Vogt always seemed to enjoy telling me all the stuff they did, how sexy she looked in a bikini, and anything else that might make me jealous. It never worked, I'd have to use for fantasizing over her, and so I just ignored him. The ignoring process worked until he comes up to me and my other friend Dean with the simple statement of..."we did it."
Me: Did what?
Vogt: (does thrusting motion with his hips)
Dean: Nice man...about time you scored.
Vogt: You know it man.
Me: Was she huge?
Vogt: Her boobies?
Me: No, you idiot, her wang. Was it huge?
Vogt: Man! I told you...(chuckles)...it was good size.
Dean: Bigger than you?
Vogt: Regrettably yes.
Me: She make you suck it?
Vogt: Yeah, a few times, won't too bad.
Me: Did she bend you over and...
Vogt: Ok look man, she ain't got no dick, alright!?!
Me: Ok man, I didn't mean to rattle your cage. She's gotta pussy, no dick, I know.
Dean: So was it...good?
Vogt: (vigorously nods)
Dean: How many times?
Vogt: 15 baby. Once we started...
Me: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sell that shit to the tourists, Green Bay. You're telling me, 15 times?
Vogt: Yeah
Me: One night?
Vogt: From dawn to dusk
Me: Bullshit...impossible.
Vogt: Fuck you with that bullshit, I did it.
Me: Look man. Any pecker that belongs to anybody less than a Demi-God can NOT go 15 times in one night. It just can't do it.
Vogt: But...Dean?!?!
Dean: I agree with Paul, it's impossible.
Vogt: And how would yall know? Yall haven't even had sex yet.
(Dean and I hung our heads in shame of that truth)
Me: Still doesn't matter. It's common knowledge that more than five times in a night impossible.
Vogt:...well...fuck all that. You don't have to believe me.
Me: And we won't.
Dean: (changing the subject) So did you get drunk before hand?
Vogt: Oh yeah man, I don't remember the first few times I did it because I was so drunk, I had like ten bottles of...
Me: Goddamn man, hold on a second. You were drunk...beyond the point of recollection?
Vogt: (nods)
Me: Having sex?
Vogt: (nods again)
Me: Once again, bullshit.
Vogt: What now?
Me: Alcohol is the number one cause of impedance. If you're so drunk that you can't remember, you couldn't of got it up. Don't you listen in health?
Vogt: I always sleep in health, but that's bullshit, I got it up.
Me: No you didn't.
Vogt: Yes I did.
Me: No you...Dean?
Dean: I dunno Paul. I've never heard that before.
Me: Well now I'm tortured. (speaking to Vogt) I still don't believe you on the 15 times, but I'll have to look into this alcohol/impedance thing.
Vogt: You do that.
Dean: I'm hungry. Let's go get a taco.
Vogt later confessed that he did it 15 times over a four day period (still questioning that). Dean confessed to watching Reservoir Dogs to much, and we had to hold an intervention to get him to quit quoting it. I confess this story to Uber to get some opinions on the 15 times and the alcohol/impedance thing.
I'm hungry. I'm going to go get a taco
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-04-15 22:25:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No real man would even bother fucking a girl more than once. And it is possible to be pass out drunk and still have sex. All you get is a very vague memory of ejaculation, with nothig surrounding it and no visuals.
Submitted by GroundHogSlayer (user info) at 2005-04-15 22:05:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
im·ped·ance -Symbol Z A measure of the total opposition to current flow in an alternating current circuit, made up of two components, ohmic resistance and reactance, and usually represented in complex notation as Z = R + iX, where R is the ohmic resistance and X is the reactance.
I'm such a fuck-up on spelling. I know i should of looked it up, but still, yall knew what i meant.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-04-15 14:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You made me laugh with alcohol being the number one cause of impedance.
I would say really, really big barricades are the number one cause of impedance.
As for the number one cause of impotence, it's probably chicks that look like guys, so you've got Vogt either way.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-15 13:59:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:12:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
You and your friends sound like a real crack-up.
My record for most times in one night is 9, with my ex Brian, or "Machine-Gun" as he was affectionately known to me and my friends.
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OMG!
JEANNEEE!
How could you?!?
I thought *I* was your semi-automatic!
*runs off sobbing*
Submitted by TheHater (user info) at 2005-04-15 13:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
go to bangkok and fuck a 12 year old boy already.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This story was pretty funny. I liked the banter between you and your friends...but this comment sealed the +2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:23:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
My record is one time.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:33:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:26:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:18:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
You're talking about shit you don't really know about.
When I'm drunk, getting it up isn't a problem. It's getting it down that's a challenge.
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The bigger problem is that the more you drink, it starts getting up when that little sober part of the back of your brain REALLY doesn't want it to....
3 more drinks, though, and you're balls-deep in Shamu's big sister.
I swear, that's what snark told me....
=======================
It's true all true.
Her name was Bobbiejo. She spoke with a sexy lisp and smelled of ham.
Submitted by GroundHogSlayer (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:18:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
You're talking about shit you don't really know about.
When I'm drunk, getting it up isn't a problem. It's getting it down that's a challenge.
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Your right. I don't know what I was talking about. I'd never been drunk while having or trying to have sex. I dunno where I heard that...thought it was health, but oh well. I must of dreamt it.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:23:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
My record is one time.
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Lucky bastard.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:26:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:18:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
You're talking about shit you don't really know about.
When I'm drunk, getting it up isn't a problem. It's getting it down that's a challenge.
-----------
The bigger problem is that the more you drink, it starts getting up when that little sober part of the back of your brain REALLY doesn't want it to....
3 more drinks, though, and you're balls-deep in Shamu's big sister.
I swear, that's what snark told me....
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My record is one time.
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:19:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Over 10 times in a weekend, I think that's my record.
I got back to college very sore....
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're talking about shit you don't really know about.
When I'm drunk, getting it up isn't a problem. It's getting it down that's a challenge.
Submitted by dreadnaught_X (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Over a 4 day period, it's easily possible PHYSICALLY, but he must be going out with the fucking horniest chick ever. No chick puts out like that. Their minds just don't work like that. And who the hell is drunk for 4 days straight?
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:15:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Now I've read the rest.
Alcohol can cause failure. But I've always found that persistence can defeat that. As for 15 times in one night... where did he find the time? Bollocks.
Oh and the post is shit.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:12:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You and your friends sound like a real crack-up.
My record for most times in one night is 9, with my ex Brian, or "Machine-Gun" as he was affectionately known to me and my friends.
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Impotence. Not impedance.
And there's more, but I'll let you find those.