Man Behind the Moonshine (579 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.86 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GroundHogSlayer (View user info) at 2005-04-16 17:26:57 EDT
After a few more bootleg runs with Calvin, and soon later my brother, I began to get to know the people I was working for. The Mayhems. Delightful folks really. Cheerful, helpful, intelligent, hilarious as opossum-fuck, and just simply amazing. The Mayhem's are headed off by the son, Pug. When he was born, the Doctor said he was pug-ugly and the name stuck from then on. Now Pug is one crazy guy, but he's such a delight to be around. If you didn't know who he was, you'd probably think he was Charles Manson. Bushy beard, thick long dirty blonde hair, and very piercing eyes. Though he looks scary, he's relatively harmless. Next down is Pug's father Ralph. Ralph's a good guy, but he's too stoned on pussy to have that much authority around the place. When I first met him, it was after a social get together they usually had, (in other words a raving orgy with lots of drinking) and he was lying on the couch naked, with two naked ladies sitting beside him passed out. I asked him how he could do it, being so old. He just smiled and said, "son, when I can't get it up anymore; I'll just drop it in. And if I can't do that, I'll just eat it until I die." I've loved him ever since.
The Mayhem's have always been on the wrong side of the law, but for some reason have never been in jail. In West Virginia that is. Pug did some time in Texas for smuggling weed, but other than that, no jail time for any of them. I think it's do to them being so likable, knowing almost all the police personally, and/or not doing anything extremely serious like murder or robbery. And I doubt they'd ever do any of them. Maybe murder, but not robbery. When I asked my Dad about there credibility a few years back he just told me, "they won't lie to you, or rob you, but they'll do everything else to you." I've kept it to heart.
Now, Pug's done some crazy shit in his time. I'll tell you all of his adventures in a later post, but for now I'll just recite one. He once bought some scrap motor parts and metal and built his own fucking helicopter! It was just a little seat, with a rotator, that could go up clear over the trees and back. I shit you not, the man was a genius. Of course, he couldn't control it, crashed, and half of Bluefield had to donate blood so he could live, but the point is the sumbitch was smart enough to do it. He could do almost anything.
I did a run for him during the day, and he was gracious enough to show me around the place. He met me outside a little warehouse that he had and offered to let me in. When he went to open the door, it was locked, so he just took out a pocketknife and picked the lock. "I never had any use for keys with my own buildings," he said. "I learned this trick when I was about your age...damned usefullest thing I ever learnt. But don't you do it. It's gotten me in a world of trouble." I nodded in agreement, trying to fight back the laughter of seeing this guy pick his own lock.
Inside were tractors, cars, trucks (I spotted the one Calvin and I used on my first run), and just bits of junk. He kept his still in a back room. It wasn't anything special, just your typical still made out of a stove, engine parts, and copper pipes and it was about five times bigger than your average still. There was some moonshine dripping in a little bottle near the door. Pug shut off the valve that allowed the drip and handed me the bottle.
Me: No thanks, I can't hold my liquor.
Pug: haha, you're a good boy Paul. You know better than to try this stuff.
He tapped his finger on the bottle.
Pug: 200 proof
Me: bullshit, that's pure alcohol isn't it?
Pug: pretty much. My buyers usually dilute it with water before they drink it or sell it again.
Me: can you drink that?
Pug: Ah...maybe...possibly...doubt it be very good. This shit will fuck you up...GODdamn it will.
Me: That's the point isn't it?
Pug: Of what?
Me: Drinking that stuff...to get fucked up.
Pug: Obviously you haven't done a lot of drinking.
Me: Good guess.
Pug: Don't give me that guess shit, I KNOW. Otherwise you would of tried this. If you ever start drinking, then you'd know why diluted stuff is good, and this ain't...just something I can't explain but any good alchy would know.
Me: I wouldn't argue with you.
His wife came in at the moment with a beer for Pug. She offered me one but I kindly refused.
Me: Some wife you got there.
Pug: Ain't she though?
Me: Who was that other lady I saw when I came in? Ralph's girlfriend?
Pug: The one doing the laundry?
Me: Yeah.
Pug: She's my girlfriend.
Me: .......
Pug: What? So I got a wife, and a girlfriend or two. She don't mind, hell of a woman.
Me: I'll say.
I know you might find that this hard to believe, but trust me. This dude had a wife, and three girlfriends. For some reason, as ugly as I thought Pug was, he always...always got his way with the ladies. Just something about him. He has a certain charm to him, something that women can't resist. I'd heard he was hung too, like a mule, and found it to be true the hard way.
He didn't rape me or anything, I was just at one of their social gatherings, (staying in the corner, trying to stay out of it), and there were some strippers in town who had come by. One of them was talking to Pug and I just listened to the conversation. I'll finish my post with it...
Stripper: Sigh...I've just never been satisfied with man size. Just nobody who does me has it where it counts.
Pug: Shame baby.
Stripper: Ain't it?
Pug: I bet you I could change that though.
Stripper: Ha...I doubt that.
Pug smiles, reaches into his jeans, and pulls out a mountain snake. He laid it on the table with a thud.
Pug: How's dat?
Stripper: ...I'm... at a loss of words.
Pug: Shall I try to put some back in your mouth, along with other things, in a more private area?
Stripper: I'll race you there...
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-05 18:58:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-04-16 18:34:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertaining... you're a good storyteller.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-04-19 02:56:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
++ Awesome.
Copperhead Row. I usually don't link, but this, for you, is a must read, short: http://www.ubersite.com/m/44676
Submitted by CLAIRE1 (user info) at 2005-04-19 02:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is turning into a good little series.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-04-19 02:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always thought West Virginia was the hick red headed step child of Virgina....but it seems pretty cool.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-04-17 15:04:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good writing seems to get lost
in the toilet bowl of Uber.
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-04-16 20:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-04-16 18:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertaining... you're a good storyteller.