Shooting Stale-FIsh isn't a bright idea (559 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GroundHogSlayer (View user info) at 2005-04-18 12:01:39 EDT
Lacking most electrical appliances, my house is less than desirable to my friends who live right in town and have cable internet. Strangely enough, they're at my house more than me at theirs. I believe it's the mischief that we never fail to get into when they're accompanying me in the hills, and the scars they take from the stays are such priceless bits of memorabilia to pass up getting every other weekend. Vogt and Dean were up here last weekend, and we managed to add another memory to the stack. And another scar.
Being the sick bastard that he is, Vogt heard some where about jerking off stale-fish, and found it so intellectually funny, that he had to share it with us. Now apparently, doing it stale-fish is doing it with your arm going under one leg and coming up on your dick from the backside (sick), so pretty much, it's like doing it with one foot in the air with you arm going around it. I'd like to find and skin the sick bastards who came up with this self-pleasing technique, but that's irrelevant. Anyway, Vogt shared his bit, Dean his (he brought his dad's colt .45), and me, being the demented freak that I am, came up with the idea of having a shooting contest...stale-fish style.
The idea was well received, and we got to it right away, setting up glass bottles on the hillside, loading up the .45, and trying as best we could to shoot the bottles from under our legs. In all honesty, this does sound really childish and immature, but hey, we were bored. What else could we do? It was fun too. Shooting wildly at bottles with a heavy duty pistol. Even though it was fun, it kinda lost its luster after a while, so instead of glass jars, we upgraded to half empty aerosol cans, or any other flammable product. Now that was fun. With every hit, came a delicious explosion that scorched the ground. Soon the entire shooting range was black with soot.
Now Dean for some reason, always comes to my crib impulsively clad with his black cowboy boots, and is unfashionable enough to wear them with shorts. It was his turn with the pistol and he missed his first few shots. Not liking the indignant bottle of moonshine (we ran out of aerosol) that didn't wanna get hit and go down with flame and glory, Dean decided to unload on it with the rest of the magazine. Strike one.
With all the hot empty cartridges filling the air shortly after Dean made the decision to go on a shooting rampage, it was inevitable that one would fly into his boot. It's interesting how men scream when they're in pain. Some, being real men, just grit their teeth and suck it up. Others, still being men, holler with a deep masculine style. Some, not being men, squeal like little girls as if they're balls are being ripped off by some rabid jackalope. Dean, who typically has a deep voice, squealed like a piggy. Even though it was funny seeing this 6'6 giant holler like a helium balloon being released of gas, I gave him a break on the insults, for it was a hot day and unexpected hot brass on bare skin (he wasn't wearing socks) isn't very sociable. So there he was...screaming, hopping on one foot, then he finally gets the bright idea of taking off his boot. It got the shell out, but this added other problems.
Now with his boot off, he hobbles over to the shooting range...with the broken glass...
Vogt: Hey Dean!
Dean: WHAT?!?!
Vogt: Watch out for the....
But it was too late. He put his foot down. Right smack-dab on the glass. Strike two!!
Now along with the burnt whelp above his ankle, he's bleeding profusely underneath his foot. He finds it a bright time to sit down and just stop moving. Having both hands around his foot, and hobbling on one leg his only way to get on solid ground is to just fall on his ass. Too bad he had to do it awkwardly on a log, slip off, then tumble madly down the hillside nearly colliding in to Vogt and I. Strike three buddy. You're out!!!
He finally stopped his madness roll with a painful collision into my woodpile. By this time he'd quit hollering and just laid there, sucking up all the pain. It was brutal, watching him rise and fall with each excruciatingly painful breath he took. He lay on his face for a moment, breathing slowly, then rolled painfully over on his back.
Dean: ARE YOU ASSHOLES GONNA HELP ME OR NOT?!?!
Not needing any further encouragement, we ran down the hill to drag our great friend back home for some piss poor medical treatment and a cup-o-tea. My Grandfather always said, "Nothing helps an injury like a cup-o-tea". He always said it with a pitiful british acent which made hearing it quite annoying.
There weren't any bits of glass stuck in his foot, there was only a minor whelp where the cartridge hit him, and he couldn't breathe straight for a week because of the fall. Nothing serious.
Since then, Dean has never worn the boots back to my house and the stale-fish shooting idea...well we just took this incident as a good reason never to do it again.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-05 18:53:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-04-19 03:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, my, GOD this was funny!
Banga
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-04-19 02:44:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh play meeeee some mountain music
My grandma and grandpa used to play
and I'll goooooooooo on down the river
to my cajin hideaway
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2005-04-18 21:14:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-04-18 17:04:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anything with "gun-play" gets an auto +2 from me.
If I made be so bold, as to suggest to your friend Dean,
to possibly aquire a S+W 500 "wheel-gun" for everyone's enjoyment.
It Will, stop a locomotive. Add to that, if you miss what you are shooting at,
the muzzle flash will take over, and pretty much "toast" the target.
The weapon IS quite brutal on Both of you're wrists.
I have learned, the weapon will be illegal in the US within 18 months.
I've found that next to an ARMSCORE 40mm, it is the most fun item, legally available.
Cost: around 1K.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-04-18 15:25:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-04-18 13:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For a second, I thought you were going to pleasure a half-dead creature with gills, red rocket style...but this was just as good.
Submitted by the_mysterious_stranger (user info) at 2005-04-18 12:56:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta love dem mountain-folks.
Submitted by the_mysterious_stranger (user info) at 2005-04-18 12:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First to review, whooo!