My Brother is Looking for a Job (1026 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.25 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ducky (View user info) at 2005-04-18 14:10:33 EDT
My brother is all different kinds of awesome. He's 17, turning 18 this year, and is looking for a job. He's worked before, but never anywhere that required a resume. He's never written a resume before, so I told him what to include in it. I checked back with him about half an hour later, and he'd written it the way you would a paper. Paragraphs, indents, everything. I explained the format to him, and eventually, he had a resume. As a first resume, it's fairly shitty, because there's no substance to it. This is okay, so long as you have a wicked cover letter to lend support. I gave him a generic idea of what a cover letter should look like, and told him to talk about things like punctuality, motivation, team work, interests, and the like. He said okay. This is what he came up with.
'I like to be on time but in the case that I am a few minutes late I have nothing against working an extra few minutes to make up for it. I have no problem working alone or in groups, and in the event that I am working alone, I have no problem asking questions if I don't understand fully what I am supposed to do. Clarity and simplicity are things I like. Other things that I like are drawing, listening to music, and just daydreaming. I am flexible when it comes to rules, and work times as long as it is after school and does not start past midnight. Any work is good part time or full time and since I live nearby I am close to work making it convenient.'
Okay...NIGHTMARE. He's so completely naive. I explained to him that you NEVER let on that you might be a few minutes late. You have to sell yourself. You are the guy who will ALWAYS be there. When everyone else is sick, you'll show up. You'll work your ass off. You do NOT daydream. When you are working alone, you cannot ask questions. It was terrible. This is the second attempt, and I swear it should be on one of those cover letter / resume websites, because it just rocks so much.
'I would first like to start out by saying that I am extraordinarily punctual. If you were to compare my punctuality to that of your other employees I would blow them away like rabid dogs, and that is putting it lightly. I am so committed to being on time that if the black plague were to strike [the city] and everyone was sick, I would still come to work on time even if it meant I had to drag my nearly lifeless body to work. I would be there ready to serve even if every breath I took resulted in my coughing up blood, after all bed rest is for pussies. My motivation is beyond compare. I am so motivated that if business was going badly I would go so far as to bring customers in at gun point and make them beg me to let them buy things. Work is what I love, it is what I breath. Give me a herd of kinder gardeners and in five minutes I'll give you a new slave labor force ready for the sweat shops in wherever. If I see a slacker, it's the whip for him. I love stress and long hours. Like I said, I love it. I will never let you down and if I see someone who does, I'll stone them to death to set an example to the other slime that I may soon be calling my co-workers.
P.S. Dreams are for losers, and the laws of God come second to yours'.
Little brothers rock.
User Reviews
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-04-28 03:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Does he want a reference? I carry a lot of weight around... err.. there.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-28 02:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is nothing like a positive attitude, ha ha ha ha good one.
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-04-24 01:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't hire someone that brought me that second resume, but I'd be glad they applied at my office. I'd probably frame that and hang it in the coffee room.
Submitted by Neener (user info) at 2005-04-24 00:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-04-22 04:47:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My grandma's landscaper stole her statue of the Virgin Mary. She replaced him with a kinder gardener. Thank you, I'll be here all morning.
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-04-19 08:45:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that last paragraph sounds remarkable like the resume I used to get the job I'm in...
I'd gone for a "sell yourself" approach rather than a "list everything you can do" CV.
I was so peeved at not having got a job for 5 months, sick of living on the pittance the government here gives if you're unemployed and didn't think I'd have a hope in hell shot at this job.
shows how much I knew. My boss only read the bit where I stated what I can do with photoshop, then the rest of my application was based on my website portfolio and the mini CD I sent in with a little flash movie of artistic stuff I've done. And the fact that I could interract well with the rest of the staff I met.
I fit in here.
they're all mad as hatters.
tell him to aim high and cross his fingers.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-19 08:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
Submitted by shadowofthedivine (user info) at 2005-04-18 19:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I have permission to use this
please?
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-04-18 16:31:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wish i had a brother
or a girlfriend
or a life
or money
or a decent car
or a decent job
<sigh>
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-04-18 15:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh. Check my past post to see how it's done.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-18 15:50:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-04-18 15:39:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-18 14:41:06 (#)
Ranking: 1
Tell him to get a goverment job. They hire anyone, especially retards.
I can vouch for this.
------
yep
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-04-18 15:47:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Does he give good head?
I might be hiring
Submitted by Bizantine (user info) at 2005-04-18 15:42:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-04-18 15:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-18 14:41:06 (#)
Ranking: 1
Tell him to get a goverment job. They hire anyone, especially retards.
I can vouch for this.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-18 15:03:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Well, the second letter is indeed much better but I'll tell you what.
Based on that first letter, I wouldn't hire your brother - or you - to walk behind my dog and pick up the doggie shit.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-18 14:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Tell him to get a goverment job. They hire anyone, especially retards.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-04-18 14:19:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. Now all you need is an interviewer with a sense of humor. That's a tall order.
Submitted by The_Fan (user info) at 2005-04-18 14:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's awesome. I work at Denny's and could put in a good word with the assistant night manager. The pay isn't great, but you get to eat for free, which kicks ass.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-04-18 14:18:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, that second letter was funny, so here you go.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-18 14:18:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Other things that I like are drawing, listening to music, and just daydreaming."
If this is how he writes I hope for his sake, that he is smokin' hot with a bitchin body and is applying for a job as a stripper.
Or a gigolo