Hate CANADA (765 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.94 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ben nelson <benjamindover.at.gmail.com (View user info) at 2005-04-18 18:26:26 EDT
FUCK CANADA!!!!
Last week I flew to Canada to do some emergency work on a robotic satellite system that my company makes. I should have known it was going to be a shitty trip when I got stuck on a middle seat next to a 65 year old Indian lady that smelled like she had been bathing in curry and ass juice.
I arrived in Ontario around 5 pm, and made my way to customs. I approached the desk of the first available agent, a grim sad looking fucker. He asked to see my birth certificate and photo ID, I showed it and he looked at my birth certificate and back at me and at my ID and back at me. He asked if I was carrying any firearms or cash over $10k, I jokingly replied "not that you know of". The French customs guy didn't appreciate my humor. I know I heard that fucker mumble "god damn Americans" under his breath. He told me to have a seat in the waiting area. I looked over to the waiting area and it reminded me of free burrito day at a Tijuana cock fight. I took my seat; the room was an Orwellian nightmare of florescent lights and pro government posters.
After an hour and a half, the customs agent came back, and took me into a side room "ever been arrested?" he asked.
I replied "uh... what does that have to do with anything?"
Him: "we cannot allow you into Canada if you have more than 1 charge in a 10year period"
Me: "uh... well... when I was younger I got a DUI."
Him: "and...anything else?"
Me: " uh.. nope that's all I can remember, ya know... kids do some dumb things, I was drinking and driving then..".
He cuts me off "What about this theft charge"?
Me: "Oh yeah... about that..."
Him: "And this assault charge?"
Me "uh well.. that was years ago.."
Him: " this says you were charged with possession of a controlled substance with intent to distribute, and you've done ALOT of jail time!?"
Me: "Uh... yeah... so... can I go now?"
Him: "No, you'll be deported in the morning."
Me: "ok, so where can I get a drink around here, while I wait?"
Him in an obnoxious faggy French accent: "You'll await your plane ride home in the jail.
So, they drive me over to the jail, I'm directed to a dark side room a handsome Frenchman in a beret is waiting and I get strip searched. Now, I've been strip searched before, but never with the touching and licking on my ball sack and rectum... maybe this is just how the French do it. After a few minutes of this a man in uniform walked in on us and said "Javier! how did you get out of your cell again!?" I was kind of disappointed, I was starting to enjoy it.. the real guard finished the strip search, minus the licking and touching. "Raise your arms.. open your mouth lift up your tongue... let me see the bottom of your feet... ok, now bend over and spread your ass cheeks" I complied, and looking up at him from between my legs, I winked and said "see anything you like Frenchie?" I was just doing this to add a little humor to this uncomfortable situation, I'm no queer. Frenchie said "ha ha" What a fuckin pussy. I've been in jails in 3 different countries, and had I made a comment like that in the US or Mexico, I would have been severely beaten in the testicals. These fuckin frenchies are pussys.
So I am taken to my cell... I've seen worse. I meet the other guys in the cell block, and (being use to US jails) I am prepared to beat someone down to show them I am no ones bitch. But to my surprise they are all sitting around chatting about fusion and sipping tea. What the fuck?! I comment, " is the the queer section of the jail?" My fellow inmates look up at me, and say nothing. Again, WHAT THE FUCK. So, by this point I decided all Canadians are pussys. I was glad they were deporting me, I wanted nothing to do with these spineless fruits.
The next day I was taken back to the airport, and after being strip searched by US customs, and having my bags searched no less than 5 times. I was escorted to the plane, in handcuffs. Little Canadian children saw me and ran to weep in their mothers arms. You would have thought I was Garland Greene from "Con Air" being pulled out of my cage in a bite mask. Anyway, they took my cuffs off at the gate and said "don't come back to Canada". I said, " haha you dont have to tell me twice, you fuckin pansies can keep your country". I had a pleasant ride home, for some reason no one wanted to sit next to me on the plane.... it was wonderful.
User Reviews
Submitted by benjamindover (user info) at 2005-04-19 12:40:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
all of these comments from canadians, only serve to prove my point. Canadians are cock sucking pansy ass faggots.
Submitted by Smoothe (user info) at 2005-04-19 10:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ha ha. Ducky made me laugh. Sarcastic son of a bitch.
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-19 10:26:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2005-04-18 19:13:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear The_Fan ,
We don't need to do criminal record checks, nobody wants to attack us.
Love,
Mles
----------------------
my thoughts exactly! But I get checked at the airport all the time going. I guess I look like a terrorist. Or I meant the criteria for the "daily-white-chick-getting frisked-so-we-don't-look-like-we-are-profiling"... who knows...
Submitted by OnEdge (user info) at 2005-04-19 10:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Wait a sec..
Isn't Canada one of our pseudo-territories, like Puerto Rico or something? (maybe Guam.. I don't know)
Nice state song and all, but not like it's a real country or anything.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2005-04-19 05:03:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Boo-Hoo!
You're a convicted felon you fuck-tard.
Submitted by Phate (user info) at 2005-04-19 03:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
yes, you're very smart, now shut up.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-04-19 02:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out.If it's any consolation, the fact that he's moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.
I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812.I notice you've repainted it!It's Very Nice.
I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we feel your pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism.
I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2005-04-19 02:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fucking delinquent
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-04-19 02:06:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by The_Fan (user info) at 2005-04-18 19:02:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Automatic +2 for making fun of Canada
But on a side note, that was kind of an unbeliveable story. In truth, the Canadian customs agent would have run for his life the second you made eye contact. And Canada does no criminal checks on people coming in, hence the well-deserved reputation as a terrorist haven.
By the way, the "frenchmen" (Quebecers) are the only cool people in Canada. Everyone else sucks balls.
*************************************************
Now granted this post sucks monster bawls but I wasn't going to say anything. However, this is just complete crap. Quebecers(with the exception of Caul) are the crappest bunch of crap that was ever crapped. Everybody hates them. They speak like complete morons. And they try to act as if they are such a different culture when they have almost completely assimulated US/Canadian culture. Though most of the East does suck atleast the Newfies are funny and the Maritimers, well they just have fish, but fish is delicious. French blow.
Submitted by The_Fan (user info) at 2005-04-18 23:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rabidSEXmonkey (user info) at 2005-04-18 19:45:29 (#)
Ranking: -2
Canadains are pussys?!??!?!WHAT? read up on the war of 1812, u guys couldn't beat a rag tag miltia. u guys were so scared that one time a company of soldiers ran off a cliff (its true!). And at the battle of queenstein heights we routed u when u guys had the numerical advantage. when the bulk of the american army ran they left behind a bunch of guys. Their excuse for running like a bunch of cock sucking pansie is that it was "un-constitional" to invade Canada, even though they had tried a few other times.
Stay in America u shit heads, we dont want any more cock sucking yanks.
---------------
See this grammer? That's the writing of a SOBER Canadian. You should see them when they's had a few too many Molsons. Then not only do they tell everyone they can kick the USA's ass, but they believe it too!
Of course they then proceed to lose the Stanley Cup and cry like little bitches. If it weren't for the Habs, which are really part of le Pays de Québec, Canada would not even be considered a hockey nation.
Canucks should stick to curling and looking like idiots.
Submitted by Evillithium (user info) at 2005-04-18 21:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow, isn't that amazing? By looking at your birth certificate and your ID, some guy from Ontario knew you had a criminal record and sent you over to wait.
Oh, and something else... people in Ontario don't have a stupid French accent. People speaking French are in Quebec. And Ontario hates Quebec. You should have listened in school instead of raping your sister.
Was the smelly Indian sitting next to you an American?
Submitted by Robert_of_Duluth (user info) at 2005-04-18 21:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i don't like canada but this is bs
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2005-04-18 21:18:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-18 21:00:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
Boring Predictable Shennanigans.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's right. BPS.
Butt post sunday >:(
wait
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-18 21:00:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Boring Predictable Shennanigans.
Submitted by tech-junkie (user info) at 2005-04-18 20:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Shenanigans
But entertaining shenanigans.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-04-18 20:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
After reading your post it's no wonder I gave you a -2. We generally don't allow hicks like you here.
Why are Canadian's Fags? We're not the ones who strip searched you.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-04-18 20:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by rabidSEXmonkey (user info) at 2005-04-18 19:45:29 (#)
Ranking: -2
Canadains are pussys?!??!?!WHAT? read up on the war of 1812, u guys couldn't beat a rag tag miltia. u guys were so scared that one time a company of soldiers ran off a cliff (its true!). And at the battle of queenstein heights we routed u when u guys had the numerical advantage. when the bulk of the american army ran they left behind a bunch of guys. Their excuse for running like a bunch of cock sucking pansie is that it was "un-constitional" to invade Canada, even though they had tried a few other times.
Stay in America u shit heads, we dont want any more cock sucking yanks.
==============================
Were you around in 1812? No? Then don't say we. You weren't there, you are not part of the they. And if it were ONLY the rag-tag milita, Canada would be 30 additional states. It was mostly thanks to the Brits, and General Isaac Brock. Get better sources, or at least get past your bias.
And by the way, it's really hard to take you seriously on anything with any intelligent depth when you type u all the time, u no wut i meen?
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-04-18 20:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
We hate you too.
Submitted by Abbath (user info) at 2005-04-18 20:05:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nice Generalization. It's like visiting New Jersey and saying that the U.S. is all about sewage and fucking incopetant boobs.
Ontario sucks anyways.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-04-18 20:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Canadians...
Can't live with 'em...
So pass me another beer
Submitted by rabidSEXmonkey (user info) at 2005-04-18 19:45:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Canadains are pussys?!??!?!WHAT? read up on the war of 1812, u guys couldn't beat a rag tag miltia. u guys were so scared that one time a company of soldiers ran off a cliff (its true!). And at the battle of queenstein heights we routed u when u guys had the numerical advantage. when the bulk of the american army ran they left behind a bunch of guys. Their excuse for running like a bunch of cock sucking pansie is that it was "un-constitional" to invade Canada, even though they had tried a few other times.
Stay in America u shit heads, we dont want any more cock sucking yanks.
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-04-18 19:44:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for anti-canuk/frenchie rant
Submitted by project_nessa (user info) at 2005-04-18 19:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
nice "story"
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-04-18 19:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-04-18 19:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked this as a "story" and will rate it accordingly.
Alias,a simple concept,but forgotten by many.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-04-18 19:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-04-18 19:05:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeez people, lighten up.
-------------------------------------------------
Agreed. I thought it was pretty funny. One question to the author: Was your boss and/or company impressed with you? Who ended up doing the job you were sent to do?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-04-18 19:16:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fact: 78% of uber posts have to do with canada sucking.
fact: this one falls in the bottom 76%.
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2005-04-18 19:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear The_Fan ,
We don't need to do criminal record checks, nobody wants to attack us.
Love,
Mles
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-04-18 19:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeez people, lighten up.
Submitted by The_Fan (user info) at 2005-04-18 19:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Automatic +2 for making fun of Canada
But on a side note, that was kind of an unbeliveable story. In truth, the Canadian customs agent would have run for his life the second you made eye contact. And Canada does no criminal checks on people coming in, hence the well-deserved reputation as a terrorist haven.
By the way, the "frenchmen" (Quebecers) are the only cool people in Canada. Everyone else sucks balls.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2005-04-18 18:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Lame.
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2005-04-18 18:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You sound classy. What kind of trailor do you live in?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-18 18:51:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Why are you wasting your time hating Canada when you could be hating a country far more deserving, you felonious fuck?? http://www.ubersite.com/m/64504
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-04-18 18:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm no fan of Canada... but it shows security is working if they are nailing guys with- wait, how many past busts do you have? No wonder they prefer the nice, quiet curried-ass smelling grandmas.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-18 18:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Average at best. I'm a western Canadian and I'm no fan of the french either, but come on.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-18 18:31:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you sound like a dipshit.