Orphans of My Mind (4948 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Miscellaneous
Rating: 1.83 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2005-04-19 15:55:28 EDT
I've been pretty busy at work lately, and I just haven't been inspired to post anything of substantial length. That's not to say I'm suffering from writer's block (because I know the cure for that: http://www.ubersite.com/m/30842 ). It's just that I don't have the time to sit down and develop anything from the list of titles, subjects, and interesting phrases that I have saved in a file on my computer. Probably, I just have too many cool topics to choose from, and I just can't bring myself to make the commitment and develop one fully to get it knocked off my list. So today, you lucky few, I'm going to force myself to "take out the trash", so to speak. I'll just write a short blurb on a bunch of the orphans on my list, in order to pare the list down to a more manageable size.
In addition, it will force me to start being creative again and to stop falling back on old shit. So here you go, in alphabetical order:
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"Animals That Act Like Humans"
This was going to be a short exposition on the fact that I get creeped out by people in animal suits, movies where animals can talk, and generally, any situation where animals display any sort of human-like intelligence or attributes. I like to think the post would have been funny.
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"Beat down at the Pyramid"
When my wife and I first met, she was working in the Morgan Keegan building in downtown Memphis. She told me a story of a "minority" coworker with a "entitlement complex", if you dig what I'm saying. The heart of the story was that this lady tried to run from the cops, and got beat down and maced for her troubles, right in front of the Morgan Keegan building. I was going to change the location to the Pyramid, just because that sounds cooler. An interesting twist: in order to eliminate the likelihood of a race-based police brutality lawsuit, the cops made sure it was an officer of the same race who did the macing.
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"Dirt Clod Wars"
About the time my brother's friend caved my fucking head in with a dirt clod, and the hilarity that ensued.
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"Half an Offense?"
When I went to court for a speeding ticket, there was a kid in front of me who was charged with attempting to alter the birth date on his driver's license. His Dad tried to reason with the presiding judge and said, "But Your Honor, it was only altered on one side." And the Judge replied with disdain, "Does that mean it's only HALF an offense?" I cracked up. The end.
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"Jimbo Attempts The Bacon-Grease-In-The-Plastic-Cup Trick"
About me trying to save leftover bacon grease in a plastic cup. Disaster resulted. The story culminated with my new wife yelling at me "For Pete's sake, you're a freaking SCIENTIST!"
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"Jimbo Attempts The Boiling-Visine-In-The-Eye Trick"
In August, on a job interview in Atlanta, I left a bottle of Visine on the dashboard of my rental car for a few hours. When my prospective employer brought me back from lunch, I said, "Hold on, let me get my Visine", then swiftly grabbed the bottle and squeezed a few drops into my left eye, resulting in my screaming like a little bitch right in front of him. I did not get the job offer.
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"Jimbo Enlists"
The story of how I came to enlist in the Navy. Here's the short version: I almost failed out of college my freshman year because I was more interested in partying than going to class then during the summer I moved to Phoenix to live with a girl who turned out to be a dirty lying whore and subsequently flew back to North Carolina where I had no money and seemingly no future but luckily my Dad picked me up at the airport and on the drive home broached the subject of the military with great subtlety and I must have just been placed in a sort of trance and agreed to stopping by the recruiter on the way home and luckily I had already taken the ASVAB during my senior year in high school so really there was no obstacle to sending me right up to Raleigh for my physical and the directly out to boot camp in San Diego the very same day. The end.
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"Kung Fu Killers vs. The Nunwhippers"
This was going to be a story about the time Tom and I went to a small concert where the Kung Fu Killers were opening for the Nunwhippers, and Tom ended up inciting a riot between the bands in which the female drummer for the Kung Fu Killers absolutely DRILLED Tom in the head with one of her drumsticks. Damn funny event.
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"My Brother Goes First Class"
My youngest brother went first class for the first time a couple years ago. His ears were plugged up from the pressure adjustment, he misjudged the volume necessary to communicate, and ended up shouting to the flight attendant, "IS THAT FREE!!!" when offered a complimentary glass of wine. The mental image cracks me up.
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"My Experience With Scientology"
I got accosted by a member of the "Church" of Scientology in downtown Sydney, who convinced me to go inside and take their version of a "personality" test. I took the test and sat there while the guy flat-out said to me, "Did you just have a girlfriend break up with you or something? Because this test says you're an asshole." I left shortly thereafter.
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"My Three Chrome Gods"
I didn't have a story ready for this. I just thought it was a cool sounding title. I thought maybe I could work the concepts of Past, Present and Future to sort of be the three gods in the title, but I gave up because it hurt my head.
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"Navy SEALS"
This was about an incident in boot camp where one of the dumber recruits in my company saw the promotional poster for the movie NAVY SEALS (the one with Charlie Sheen) and said, "Those guys look like a bunch of pussies." Not a big deal, except he said it right in front of a real SEAL, who responded by giving him a beat down.
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"Pulling the Tail of the Dragon"
Again, no specific story in mind, but I was going to work the title into a semi-uberized story about Tom freaking out over some dumb shit.
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"Sharks, Skates, and Jellyfish"
About my first time in the Pacific Ocean, when I 1.) was bitten by a small shark, 2.) stepped on a sting ray and 3.) stepped on a jellyfish, all within the span of about 90 seconds. I haven't been back in the Pacific since.
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"Stick"
A slang term for the acronym STQ... Smear The Queer. It was going to be about how, when I was a kid, we used to trick new kids in the neighborhood into playing a game of "Stick", then gang up on them and beat their asses.
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"Snacks"
Remarking on a comment once made to me by a friend of mine, "You know, the word 'snacks' sounds like a venereal disease."
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"The Only Fight I've Ever Been In"
About that bastard Jon Guyton, who hit me in the face in third grade for challenging his manhood during a game of Duck Duck Goose. I never got to get even with him, because he committed suicide when he was sixteen. Because that's what you get for fucking with me.
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"Tom vs. a Hot Pocket"
Relaying the details of the time Tom tried to "get with" a Hot Pocket, only to end up getting second-degree burns on his "Little Tommy". Feel-good story of the year.
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"Use Your Noggin"
About my wife and I making up alternate lyrics to the Noggin song (those of you without kids probably won't get it). The real lyrics go along the lines of, "Use your noggin when you climb a tree, use your noggin when you run with me." And we would make up shit like, "Use your noggin when you whip your monkey, use your noggin when your feet smell funky." Ha ha, I'm so mature.
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So that's it, gang. Thanks for reading. Here's a funny picture.
User Reviews
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-12 13:02:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Write more shit man. I'm pretty sure you still hang round here.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-10 15:55:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
email me - timdowning.at.gmail.com
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-10 15:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
came across an old review, you said you were a biomedical engineer by trade...me too.
where do you work / what do you do?
Submitted by IcyBlackHand (user info) at 2005-04-21 04:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The Only Fight I've Ever Been In"
About that bastard Jon Guyton, who hit me in the face in third grade for challenging his manhood during a game of Duck Duck Goose. I never got to get even with him, because he committed suicide when he was sixteen. Because that's what you get for fucking with me.
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Wow, never piss off a man that can kill you through depression.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-04-19 18:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo, need your email address again. Please drop me a line at judoka1978.at.hotmail.com
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-19 18:49:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is like UberReader's Digest...
I do like the Visine one, though
Submitted by joekerland (user info) at 2005-04-19 16:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<I>"Dirt Clod Wars"
About the time my brother's friend caved my fucking head in with a dirt clod, and the hilarity that ensued.
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Damn and I was looking forward to this one :)
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-04-19 16:51:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-04-19 16:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This sounds like the "Stories I want to see written by <insert uber user here>" posts from last year
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-19 16:08:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More Tom!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-19 16:05:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Jimbo Enlists"
The story of how I came to enlist in the Navy. Here's the short version: I almost failed out of college my freshman year because I was more interested in partying than going to class then during the summer I moved to Phoenix to live with a girl who turned out to be a dirty lying whore and subsequently flew back to North Carolina where I had no money and seemingly no future but luckily my Dad picked me up at the airport and on the drive home broached the subject of the military with great subtlety and I must have just been placed in a sort of trance and agreed to stopping by the recruiter on the way home and luckily I had already taken the ASVAB during my senior year in high school so really there was no obstacle to sending me right up to Raleigh for my physical and the directly out to boot camp in San Diego the very same day. The end.
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You talked to the recruiter, got a physical and went to boot camp the same day?
Big day.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-19 16:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment