If Those Handcuffs Aren't Fuzzy Then I Ain't Goin!(long) (1588 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.94 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Professional Peon <prof_peon.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-04-19 16:04:55 EDT
I've decided against my better judgement to post this ridiculously true story. I blame Fat Tony's arrest story as inspiration to post this.
The night before Easter (3 weeks ago) I went out to RiteAid to pick up all the goodies for my son's Easter basket. I went light on the candy, heavy on the toys of course. I left my house around 9pm and took about fifteen minutes to gather up my purchases. I left the goodies in my car and headed straight for the evenings Karaoke event. I get to the bar right before 9:30. Let the singing begin. Good times all around, fun was had by all.
My friends and I left around the bar around 12:30am. Please note that there was no further alcohol consumption for the remainder of the evening. We headed back to my friends house that was about a fifteen minute drive from the bar. We hung out and spent the remainder of the evening making fun of said friend who has a strange fascination with his car. And when I say fascination, I mean borderline sexual obsession. I chalk it up to testosterone.
We engaged in a ridiculously lengthy conversation about how much the band 'Live' sucks now. How they were cooler back in the day. How much 'Pain lies by the riverside" rocked more then all their new shit combined. A few dozen "You suck" and "So does your mother" comments later and the next thing we knew it is 2:45 in the morning. Goddamn I need to get a watch! I say my goodbyes and head home.
I got about two blocks from his house when I noticed someone is behind me. I check the car's roof in my side view mirror. No cop lights.... could still be undercover. The rest of the story shall be told verbatim from the conversation I had with a lawyer the following day.
Me: So this guy started getting right up on my ass... excuse my French.
Lawyer: <Nods> So.. what did you do?
Me: I drove over the yellow line; I figured that would get me pulled over. When he followed me for another mile with nothing I started to get really scared.
Lawyer: Why didn't you just pull over?
Me: Because it was 3am and that would have led to only one of two outcomes.
1. He keeps going
2. He stops and gets out of his car. Seeing as I am a defenseless woman driving alone, if he were to approach my car I would have no choice but to run him over. I didn't think vehicular manslaughter would be the way to go.
Lawyer: Understandable, please continue.
Me: So he follows me down this long stretch of road and I'm freaking out that this guy is going to try to grab me when I get out of the car. I make a right, he follows. I make a left, he follows. Another right and then another left and he is behind me on my street. He waits as I take 10 seconds for me to parallel park (perfectly I might add) and then continues on down my street and takes a left into the German clubs parking lot. I breathed a sigh of relief and start thinking that I was just getting all worked up for nothing.
Lawyer: The man did not approach you.
Me: No, I didn't really give him time. It was a little after 3am; I wasn't going to be sociable with anyone. I grabbed all the stuff I bought for my son's Easter basket and ran into my house. I said hello to my honey and told him how there was someone following me home. We then both peeked out our front windows to see if anyone was mulling around out front.
Lawyer: Did you see the man?
Me: No, the street was clear so I went about my business of having a cigarette out back to calm my nerves. I then sat down on the couch and opened up all the bags of candy for my son's basket. I opened all the toys from the packages and crammed them into place so they wouldn't fall out. All in all I was home for about twenty minutes.
Lawyer: I'm sorry, you were home? My secretary said you needed help with a DUI?
Me: Well that's the thing I finished making the basket about 3:30am and told my man I was going up to bed. I walk past the front door and hear this barely audible knock. I look out the peephole in my door and see two uniformed police officers at my door with no lights flashing. My heart dropped, I thought its 3:30 in the morning what are they doing here?? Oh my God somebody died. So I opened the door and asked the four officers if I could help them.
Lawyer: I thought you said there were two cops?
Me: No, but I could only see two from the peephole he other two were down on the sidewalk. Peepholes are tiny by nature.
Lawyer: <nods>
The rest is verbatim from the conversation with the officers:
Dick cop: Could you step outside please?
Me: Can I help you?
Dick cop: Could you step outside please?
Me: Did somebody die?
Dick cop: Could you step outside please?
Me: WTfffff....<mumble> <opens door and steps out onto my porch>
Dick cop: Have you been out tonight?
Me: Yeah I saw this guy <points to Drew Carey looking cop> pull a crazy ubie to chase a guy on my way to RiteAid around 9 o'clock. Dude, by the way you almost clipped my car.
Dick cop: <Huffs> Were you out drinking tonight?
Me: Yes a few hours ago, I was out with some of my friends earlier.
Dick cop: How much did you have to drink? Where were you?
Me: Three or four beers at <name deleted> bar
Dick cop: Around the corner?
Me: Yes
Dick cop: What were you doing up by five points?
Me: I'm sorry? How is that your business?
Dick cop: You were spotted up by five points. Where were you drinking up there?
Me: I was 'spotted' what am I a celebrity or something? I wasn't drinking up there.
Dick cop: Do you rent or own your home?
Me: WTF Where is Aston Kutcher? My ass is being PUNK'D!
Dick cop: Do you rent or own your home?
Me: Last time I checked that was not really any of your concern. If that's all you needed to know then have a good night.
Dick cop: <grabs my arm> I'm going to need you to come down to the sidewalk for me.
Me: Why?
Dick cop: <pulls me down stairs to sidewalk> I am going to give you a field sobriety test.
Me: A what? Seriously? Is there some new law where I can't tie one on while playing MarioKart?
Dick cop: Walk in a straight line heel to toe with your feet in a straight line.
Me: I can't do that.
Dick cop: You have too.
Me: No seriously do you see these tits? I can't balance myself with my feet straight; see how my toes point slightly outwards, that's to counterbalance the weight of my boobs (for visual reference please see my ~NSFW~ Pizza & A Fuck post).
Dick cop: Walk a straight line please
Me: Will you hold my boobs for me?
Dick cop: <stern look>
Me: <tries to walk line, makes it one step before loosing balance>
Dick cop: Okay you fail that one.
Me: Can I touch my nose or something.
Dick cop: Now I want you to put your leg straight out like this and keep your hands down at your sides and hold it there for as long as you can.
Me: <does Karate Kid pose>
Dick cop: Arms at your sides.
Me: I refuse to fall over for your entertainment.
Dick cop: I'm giving you a breathalyzer. Blow into this please.
Me: <giggle> Is that sanitary?
Dick cop: <stern look>
Me: <blows into device>
Dick cop: <rolls eyes> That wasn't hard enough.
Me: I'm sorry I've never done this before, how hard to I have to blow?
Dick cop: As hard as you can.
Me: Are you sure because that's pretty friggin' hard. I sing and.....
Dick cop: BLOW!
Me: Okay <blows breathalyzer out of cops hand and laugh as it bounces down the street>
Dick cop: 1.76 you're legally drunk
Me: So are you, you can't even hold onto that thing.
Dick cop: Blah, blah you are under arrest for DUI blah blah <handcuffs me>
Me: Ow! That hurts; don't you have a fuzzy pink pair that I could wear?
Lawyer: Hoooooooold on, what did he say you were under arrest for?
Me: DUI, that's why I came to see you.
Lawyer: Did you hit something on your way home?
Me: No, I told you I wasn't drunk. I would have stopped if I had hit something and besides even if I was drunk I think I would have noticed if I was dragging a mailbox home.
Lawyer: You blew pretty high.
Me: Boobs hold a lot of beer.
Lawyer: <laughs> Let me see your paperwork.
Me: What paperwork?
Lawyer: The paperwork you got that night. You signed something; you should have gotten some paperwork.
Me: I didn't get anything to sign, and I didn't get any paperwork.
Lawyer: <shakes head> Then what happened?
Me: Then he took me to the hospital and took blood. I told him they could just use a sample from when I was there 2 months ago. I had my gall bladder taken out and even though I hadn't had a drink in 2 weeks there was still alcohol in my system.
Lawyer: That could be a sign of a problem young lady.
Me: Yeah, apparently I'm always drunk my blood alcohol level is so high. I'm at that point in my life where I find it acceptable. Anyway the nurse sticks me and I asked the cop if I had the option of not doing the whole blood test thing.
Dick cop: If you don't it's an automatic year suspension on your license.
Me: I didn't say I was going to take that route but aren't you required by law to notify me that I have an option?
Dick cop: Just be quiet
He then whisks me off to the township jail, not the local one so I can be fingerprinted with the new state of the art inkless print system.
~insert ohhs and ahhs here~
I get fingerprinted and am asked to sit in a chair in the corner of the room. In the room with me is Dick Cop and Bald cop (he takes the pictures and fingerprints). Bald cop was very nice to me and was nothing but smiley and pleasant.
Bald Cop: Honey I need you to take an itsy-bitsy step back with your left foot because it is over the line.
Me: Sorry <steps back> I have a problem seeing my feet.
Bald Cop: Okay, I'm going to take your picture now are you ready?
Me: Um... yeah.... Oh wait... Can I make a sexy face? <puckers lips & fluffs hair>
Bald Cop: <laughs>
Dick cop: IF YOU DON'T STOP BEING SO GOD DAMN BELIGERANT I AM GOING TO THROWN YOU IN A CELL THIS FUCKING MINUTE.
Bald Cop: <Rolls eyes & suppresses laughter>
Me: <fake whisper to Bald Cop> Stop making me laugh you're getting me in trouble.
Bald Cop: Okay here we go. <takes picture> Do you have any aliases?
Me: Aliases?
Bald Cop: Any other names?
Me: Jugsy, but that's only for Karaoke so I don't think it counts.
Bald Cop: <laughs> No, not really.
Dick cop: Where do you work?
Me: Is that a valid question? Are you trying to date me?
Dick cop: <angrily> Where?
Me: <employer name>
Bald cop: Do you have any identifiable scars?
Me: Physical? <giggle> or emotional?
Bald cop: You're going to get yelled at again.
Me: Oh okay yes I have identifiable physical scars.
Bald cop: I need to take a picture of them.
Me: See, now I'm starting to think this is going in the direction of porn. I'm not showing you my scars.
Dick cop: <fumbles with cell keys>
Me: I'm sorry, but I don't believe that legally you can ask me to lift up my shirt and take a picture of it. <whispers to Bald cop> I told you he's trying to date me.
Bald cop: What are your scars from?
Me: Appendectomy and laparoscopic gall bladder surgery.
Bald cop: Can you spell laparoscopic?
Me: Sorry <giggle> I dropped out of med school.
Enter two more officers. They shoot the shit all the while I sit in the corner waiting. I smile at the officers and say hello in my annoyingly sing-song chipper voice. I notice that my good natured attitude is pissing off Dick cop immensely.
New Cop 1: Well hello there <stares at cleavage> and what are you in for?
Me: <Throws arms in the air> Fondling on duty officers I think.
Dick cop is the only one who doesn't laugh at that comment.
Dick cop: DUI
Me: Last time I checked you can't get a DUI when you're at home <giggle> on your couch, so yeah I don't really see a need to be all freaked out. But if you prefer me to be "belligerent" I could kick you in the nuts if that would make you feel better?
Dick cop: That's assault on a police officer.
Me: And what if I only talk about it? Is it still assault? How much longer is this going to take?
Bald cop: As soon as we get word back from the FBI. We have to check to make sure you are not a wanted felon.
Me: Is indecent exposure considered a felon?
Bald cop: <shakes head and laughs>
Me: What about public nekkidness?
Bald cop: <shakes head and laughs>
Dick cop: COULD YOU SIT THERE QUIETLY FOR FIVE MINUTES PLEASE?
Me: <rolls eyes, huffs and crosses arms>
30 seconds later..........Do any of you have a nail file?
New Cop 1: Why would any of us have a nail file?
Me: You know, in case you break a nail when you're Rodney King'ing somebody <throws fists around wildly>
New Cop 1: <laughs> we don't do that.
Me: Suuuure you don't <winks>
Dick cop finally drives me home. On the way:
Dick cop: I was at your house two weeks ago you know?
Me: <silence>
Dick cop: I was looking for a friend of yours <name deleted> you haven't seen him have you?
Me: Is that all this was about. You wasted two hours of my life for this? Shit honey, the thing is, that even if I did know where he was I sure as fuck wouldn't tell you now!
Dick cop: <grumbles angrily> If you have any questions ask them now I don't have time to stick around and answer your questions.
Me: Don't I get a ticket or something?
Dick cop: It'll come in the mail goodnight.
It's been over three weeks, and I haven't gotten a damn thing in the mail. I think I'm going to sue them. Someone please tell JewToast to email me, I think I have a case against Dick for being a douchebag... and trying to date me.
User Reviews
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-11-01 19:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. If you ever check back here, did anything ever happen with this whole situation?
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:47:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok been reading all your stuff since I found you today. Good shit, nice tits!
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-06-02 10:12:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pigz suck.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-06-02 09:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-06-02 08:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking pigs.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-06-02 05:32:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-02 02:29:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Morlock (user info) at 2005-04-19 18:54:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, this would really suck.
FYI. The longer the time from consumption the higher the BAC. So at the time you were actually drinking you could physically have had a lower BAC than 3 hours later.
===========================================
No you can't genius. The last of the alcohol is absorbed into the blood 20-60 minutes after the last drink is finished. If she's blowing a .176, she was well over .21 at her drunkest.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-06-01 22:49:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-04-20 16:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-20 15:30:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was long, but worth the read....
best of luck with that... sue their balls off!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-20 15:09:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-20 13:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-20 13:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-04-20 10:34:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Far too much giggling. Really, it's infuriating even to read - if I'd been forced to listen to it I'd have shot you, you vapid twat.
---See, that was the effect that I was going for, but alas... no luck with that.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-04-20 10:15:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
So who are you really since you know about JewToast?
--Nobody special really. I saw him mentioned on a post or two and on an Uberdirectory... even though I sometimes see comments that he is an alter. Even if he is a fictional person, he probably knows more about the law then me :-)
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-04-20 10:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Far too much giggling. Really, it's infuriating even to read - if I'd been forced to listen to it I'd have shot you, you vapid twat.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-20 10:24:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This goes against my better judgement to give you a +2 but there were enough funny wiseass comments in there to justify it, I guess.
That, and those tits.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-04-20 10:15:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So who are you really since you know about JewToast?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-20 10:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-20 02:02:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-19 22:25:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
you need to take advantage ofrmy druik ass
-----
Oh honeyz I would take advantage of you faster then a N00b gettin a -2 for announcing their first post
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The mere thought just made me flip my desk over.
LOOK MA, NO HANDS!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-20 08:41:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-04-20 04:06:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you're full of shit. The precinct could get their asses sued off for something like that; they'd never risk it.
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I would love to be full of shit. But, if you've read some of my previous posts. This is not the worst thing to ever happen to me. Maybe I will do a followup if I ever get any paperwork. I will take pictures of the docs and include them in my post. Unfortunately I did have a $384 bill from the hospital waiting at home for me yesterday. I think I will sue the police for $384 to pay the bill and $1,000,000 in pain and suffering... or for pissing me of (if that is a sue-able issue).
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-04-20 05:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Kicker of all ass" has never been more appropriate!
Plus, I got mentioned in the title.
Which rocks.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-04-20 05:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God I want you.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-04-20 04:06:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you're full of shit. The precinct could get their asses sued off for something like that; they'd never risk it.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-20 02:02:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-19 22:25:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
you need to take advantage ofrmy druik ass
-----
Oh honeyz I would take advantage of you faster then a N00b gettin a -2 for announcing their first post
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-19 23:52:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you were arrestsed for excessive use of a whip
Submitted by EternalDragon (user info) at 2005-04-19 23:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Reno 911
Submitted by Zackstersmackster (user info) at 2005-04-19 23:16:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh...where I come from, once you're out of your car and in your house, the cops can't
get you for DUI.
When they asked you outside, you should have closed the door.
You could beat this case, I think. Testify that you drank AFTER you got home.
Do you have administrative DMV hearings there? If so, you can get the probable cause for
the arrest thrown out. You were in your home and no longer driving. If they didn't
make a timely stop BEFORE you left the public way and went into your house, their case
is done.
Good luck. Fat Tony got hosed by Fright-Aid too. He should sue.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-19 22:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heat
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-19 22:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
handcuffs handcuffs cufm me peon
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-19 22:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you need to take advantage ofrmy druik ass
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2005-04-19 22:01:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NocternalDragon (user info) at 2005-04-19 21:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha hilarious
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-19 19:22:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously, you are a piece of work...but in a good way.
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2005-04-19 19:04:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cops tend to be douchebags. It's a prerequisite for promotion to treat everyone as cattle, and to try and weed out the jumpy ones.
Submitted by Morlock (user info) at 2005-04-19 18:54:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, this would really suck.
FYI. The longer the time from consumption the higher the BAC. So at the time you were actually drinking you could physically have had a lower BAC than 3 hours later.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-19 18:33:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-04-19 16:36:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you have any pictures of you in handcuffs?
Do you want to buy some??
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Yes I do and I will buy, but only if I can pay you in +2's.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-19 17:22:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jewtoast will PWN those fucking pigs!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-19 17:16:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a crazy crazy mixed up town, it's the rattlesnake I fear. In another place in another time I'd be driving trucks my dear, hunting shooting deer.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-19 17:03:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a weird story. I can't believe you got hassled by a gay cop. No wonder he didn't take too kindly to you. Your massive breasts only reminded him of his sin against God.
Just kidding, gay people.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-19 17:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is awesome. I love you.
In an "I want to stare at your jugs" kind of way.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2005-04-19 16:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(snif) I'm so proud of you.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-19 16:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-19 16:25:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Firebomb the precinct.
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That would be very immature........
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand right up my alley!
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-04-19 16:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you have any pictures of you in handcuffs?
Do you want to buy some??
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-19 16:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Firebomb the precinct.
Submitted by Josephine (user info) at 2005-04-19 16:21:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with Bob. Sue soon, while the evidence is still there.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-19 16:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Get a lawyer.