My nephew (759 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.14 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jake (View user info) at 2005-04-20 11:50:46 EDT
Inspiration----->http://www.ubersite.com/m/64593
I have the coolest nephew in the world. His name is Jonah - I call him Boner. He's 6 now, but he's been cool since he was 4 - a little badass in preschool.
His parents are both SHITHEADS. His mom is a slore and his dad, my brother, is a dope addict who has pissed away everything he's ever owned, and most of our mom's shit, too. My brother is a kept man now, so maybe the joke is on me. Anyway, back to my cool ass nephew.
When he was 5, he was sent to the office at the church school where he went for mooning the teacher. He was living with my mom at the time, so she was the guardian that had to go in for the parent/teacher conference.
She and Boner come over to my house afterwards to tell me what he did to get sent to the office. (Understand that she's pissed at Boner and me for his shenanigans - mostly me.) She says, "Tell your uncle what you did to get sent to the office."
With a big smile, he perks his little ass up and says, "Unc, it was cool! I stood up in my desk and shot the teacher a moon!"
Mom chimed in, "And then he high-fived the kid next to him."
So I high-five and pick the Boner-man up and tell him he's awesome.
Mom doesn't think so. I get a true go-to-hell/eat-shit-and-die look.
"Is there more," I ask, innocently.
Boner shouts, "I hung the principal one, too, Unc!"
Oh shit. Please tell me he's fucking around.
When he said he "hung the principal one, too" he wasn't referring to his ass. He was saying that he shot the principal a bird. A couple of years ago, when I realized he was cool, I taught him how to shoot a bird. It would go like this: "Jonah(Before being baptized "Boner"), hang him one." I'd point at someone. Jonah, being the cool kid he is, would hang a bird to whoever my victim happened to be. Hilariousnesstivity would follow.
Well, he wasn't fucking around. Our little joke got him sent home for a week from school - at 5. Jesus.
Having him home was cool because all he did was go to work with me. We went to meetings, did field inspections, talked to contractors on job sites - basically had a blast. Cute little boys are better than puppies or a Ferrari for picking up pussy, by the way. Borrow one and take him to the park or mall, you'll see what I mean.
The kid lives with his mother and step-father in Jacksonville, Fl. now, and I miss him horribly. He's coming to stay with us this summer. I'm excited. It's fun corrupting him.
-Jake
User Reviews
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-07-26 16:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-04-20 19:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-04-20 18:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm doing almost the exact same shit with my ex's 4 year old daughter. She's extremely intelligent and knows right from wrong so she knows when she is about to go too far. Otherwise, whatever I say, she does. She gets a bigger kick out of it than I do.
Also this +2 is for the word Hilariousnesstivity. Wow.
Banga
Submitted by chronic_one (user info) at 2005-04-20 18:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bravo. You schtink!!
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-04-20 15:19:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-20 14:58:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah you've ruined his life teaching him all that.
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nah, he'll end up working for me. He does a great impression of a mongoloid, so he'll be fun to have around the office. His other grandparents are tight-asses, so he gets plenty of structure. I'm around so he can act up a little.
Damon wayans said when his kids do something wrong and get in trouble, they're punished according to how funny the action was. If it's funny - light punishment. I tend to think along the same lines.
-Jake
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-20 14:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah you've ruined his life teaching him all that.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2005-04-20 14:56:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
See? That's what people are talking about...
The civilized world does not speak of such topics as 'creole niggers' or that of your mother's sexual preference for them.
Bah.
I say teach the kid to squeal like a pig whenever he sees a cop.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-04-20 14:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-04-20 14:37:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Though this kid will probably grow up to steal my car, I had to chuckle at the thought of a toddler shooting the bird on command. Fucked up, but funny all the same.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-04-20 14:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Coolest at what? Growing up to be an anti-social moron like his elders?
No wonder the world's fucked up with people like you showing them 'the way'.
Grow up and teach that kid how to behave in polite society.
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Oh my goodness, please tell me you aren't so delusional that you believe we live in a polite society. The thing you're missing is that he knows it's wrong, he just thinks it's funny. I'm tickled shitless that he has developed a sense of humor at such a young age. Being able to laugh is wonderful. You say he's a little dickhead, I say he's figured life out, and way earlier than most people.
Oh, and your mom fucks creole niggers
Submitted by Chi_Guy (user info) at 2005-04-20 14:15:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You say cool. Everyone else says little dickhead.
Submitted by magic_flounder (user info) at 2005-04-20 13:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Coolest at what? Growing up to be an anti-social moron like his elders?
No wonder the world's fucked up with people like you showing them 'the way'.
Grow up and teach that kid how to behave in polite society.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-20 13:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
sheesh
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-04-20 12:30:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds about like my family.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-04-20 12:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nice family.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-04-20 12:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Teach him to swear. That'll get you some pussy.
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-04-20 11:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cool as in going to grow up to be a serial killer cool. Yea, that's great.