For Every Hot Girl I Meet, There Is A Moron With A Humorous Name (1679 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.8 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TimeCop (View user info) at 2005-04-20 23:18:00 EDT
Up here at the front desk, a common problem is people getting locked out of their rooms. They step outside for a minute to do some laundry or go visit a friend, and when they get back, their roommate has left, locking the door with the other person's keys still inside. My job would be a lot easier if these dumb-ass idiots would just fucking take their keys with them.
Wait, not all of them are dumb-ass idiots; some are really hot girls. In case you've been living under a rock since, I don't know, the evolution of ape into man (or expulsion from the Garden of Eden, whatever floats your belief-boat), really hot girls are excused from most wrong-doing. Traffic tickets, shoplifting, accidently poisoning their husbands: all crimes are forgiven if you are hot enough. There's a law about that somewhere in the Constitution, perhaps in the preamble. And who the fuck am I to go against the Constitution, some kind of terrorist?
This Friday was such a case. I start my shift at 2 PM, and settle in with "Survivor," by Chuck Palahniuk. I'm getting to a pretty good part when I hear this sweet, honey voice: "Excuse me, but can you help me with something?"
This girl is gorgeous. I can't even describe her correctly. She was just...wow. Wavy brown hair, beautiful eyes, grace of movement; she had everything. And she needed MY help.
Her: "My roommate left before I got back from doing stuff, and I'm kind of locked out of my room. Can you do anything about that?"
Me: "Sure, do you have your ID on you?"
I check her picture against her face several times, then look her up in the master list. I check to make sure she's in the room she says she is, then I head back to get the master key to let her in.
She lives fairly far away from the front desk, so I get to spend a little time with her. She's really nice and polite, always says thank you when I open a door for her. She starts up a conversation with me, nodding her head and smiling. She asks about my vertical industrial piercing, and while we talk about that we get to our room. I unlock her door and bid her farewell.
As I'm walking back, all I can think is "Damn, I hope she gets locked out every Friday between the hours of 2 and 6."
When I get back to my post, there's this crazy looking Asian kid waiting for me. He's wearing one of those huge Dr. Suess hats, a polka-dot towel, and one flip-flop. I figured he'd gotten mugged or something, and was ready to call police.
Him: "Uhm, excuse me, but your sign says 'Back in 5 Minutes,' and I've been waiting here for twelve minutes. I think I'm owed an apology."
Me: "Actually, I've only been gone 3 minutes...wait a minute, you've been here twelve minutes?!?!? You've discovered the ability to speed up time for yourself! Holy hell!"
Him: "Uhm, excuse me, what are you even-"
Me: "What are you doing wasting your time here?!?!? You should be out winning footraces and robbing banks! Moving 4 times faster than any other human, hell, the sky's the limit!"
Him: "EXCUSE ME, I JUST WANT TO BE LET INTO MY ROOM!"
Me: "Oh, that's cool. Can I get your ID?"
While I'm filling out the lockout form, he's filling me in on the situation. Apparently, he was in the middle of dressing for a Dance Dance Revolution rave when two of his friends got into a fight outside his door about what planet Darth Maul was from. While he was mediating, his roommate left and locked the door behind him.
At this moment, I am utterly shocked as I realize what name I am writing on the form. This kid's name is Abi G. Wang. That's right. Read it fast enough, and it's A Big Wang.
Quite unprofessionally, I start laughing my ass off. Come on, how many times in your life does something like this happen?
I eventually calm down and get him back into his room. But by the time I get back, there are two more people: a hot girl, and some guy who's unimportant at this point.
Once I get behind the desk, they both start yelling about how "I got here first, I need it more, yada yada yada ."
Me: "Calm, down y'all! What's the problem?"
Her: "I was here first, trying to get Monopoly, and this guy comes and says he wants it to and he's trying to keep me from getting it!"
Him: "No, what happened was-"
Me: "I've heard enough here. Here's what's going to happen-"
Him: "You're just going to give it to her, because she's a hot girl! I was here first, and she's just trying to use her body to get what she wants."
Me: "Listen, dip shit, and shut your mouth. Now what I'm going to do is take BOTH our monopoly games out of the cabinet, and check ONE out to EACH of you. How's that sound?"
Him: "Oh, I thought-"
Me: Yeah, whatever, just shut up."
The kids name, as it turns out, was Jeffrey Fagin.
Even though there were two games, I checked the first one out to her. I'm like Solomon, but with a hard-on.
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-30 05:43:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG "YOUR" A FRONT DESK PERSON OMG AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGH.
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2005-05-01 19:13:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*snort*
I had a teacher in 8th grade named Mr. Wang. Shit like that makes it hard to learn algebra.
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2005-04-26 00:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's funny because I work at the front desk of a dorm at University of Georgia and I do the same thing... but with hot guys. However, I don't have any of the fablulous name stories that you do. I should work on that.
Keep up the good work, fellow frontdeskperson.
H
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-25 22:48:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmm.. Maybe I should try to get away with more shit!
"really hot girls are excused from most wrong-doing. Traffic tickets, shoplifting, accidently poisoning their husbands: all crimes are forgiven if you are hot enough."
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-04-25 22:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-21 16:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there's a parrot in that picture
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:24:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
w00t!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-21 09:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This could have received a +2 if you closed the deal and banged one of the chicks. Or the dude.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-04-21 09:36:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best post I've seen in days.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-04-21 09:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Power to the People!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-21 09:27:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"really hot girls are excused from most wrong-doing. Traffic tickets, shoplifting, accidently poisoning their husbands: all crimes are forgiven if you are hot enough."
-No wonder I can't get away with shit.
Submitted by gtz (user info) at 2005-04-21 09:20:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-04-21 09:05:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA geeks
oh wait... um... i'm a geek
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-21 09:02:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-04-21 08:48:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-21 08:24:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good times.
Submitted by garcon_fou (user info) at 2005-04-21 08:07:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! So true, so true!
Wait a minute, I have a funny name...
<sobs and runs from the room>
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-21 08:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-04-21 07:02:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-21 05:59:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had great experiences that I could post on Uber.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-04-21 06:12:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-21 05:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had great experiences that I could post on Uber.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-04-21 05:40:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"And who the fuck am I to go against the Constitution, some kind of terrorist?"
Perfect line.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-04-21 03:28:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome as usual man, just plain awesome. Been a while since you posted, good to see you back.
What happened to the prof that ripped your stuff, BTW?
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-04-21 02:36:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding.
Submitted by CLAIRE1 (user info) at 2005-04-21 02:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it better if it is made up. It shows imagination.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-04-21 02:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I get back to my post, there's this crazy looking Asian kid waiting for me. He's wearing one of those huge Dr. Suess hats, a polka-dot towel, and one flip-flop.
- -
When I had a roommate, this was the type snippit I'd hear over coffee in the morning, but it would've happened at my house while i was out. I'd dismiss it, then notice that all my dining room chairs were stacked up Poltergeist style.
I've yet to see a post of yours unworthy of a +2 +++
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-04-21 01:28:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I chose the name because of the TV show, and then only for the fact that it had Bruce Campbell (Ash from the Evil Dead series) in it.
http://www.tvwavs.com/bcwavs/index.html
That's a directory of many, MANY Bruce Campbell sound clips in WAV format. Some of my favorites from everything are there.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-04-21 01:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-04-21 01:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For being named after a crappy movie, you sure are a good poster.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-04-21 00:58:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have the same problem.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2005-04-21 00:46:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
har har har
King Solomon and the Hard-On of Gold
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-04-21 00:01:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-04-21 00:00:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love funny names like Ivan Itchyanus.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-20 23:58:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Man, I know how you feel. I was working at a hotel once and someone needed to be let into her room. Hot little latina chick.
Guess what her name was?
She.
She Nannigans.
Submitted by Or_ (user info) at 2005-04-20 23:50:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man this was funny.
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2005-04-20 23:40:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Defenatly worth reading
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-04-20 23:34:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am not shitting you here. I had borrowed my ex-girlfriend's digital camera earlier and was about to snap a photo, but my boss told me "no." It's some kind of privacy bullshit. And if I try to photo our directory, he'll know because he heard about my handicapped article and now reads my stuff.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-04-20 23:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have to make this shit up. There's no way.
"Abi G. Wang..."