Tapping Your Inner Jackie Chan (2990 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.92 on 94 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Razor <Jeremy_21117.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-04-21 10:12:57 EDT
In just about every modern action movie made, the main character at some point pulls off a physical maneuver that no normal human being could reproduce... or could they?
You know you've done it once or twice in your life, at least. Pulled off some amazing physical feat, and when you tell people about it they roll their eyes and say "Yeah, right"
Here are four things that I've done over the course of my life that had to be seen to be believed...
#1 I was 18 years old and working at an Olive Garden. One Friday night in the middle of the dinner rush, I was walking out of the kitchen behind another waitress who was carrying a full tray of food. She lost her balance and the tray tipped backwards. Two plates fell off the back end, and I caught both of them, without spilling a drop. Everybody at that restaurant thought I was the man for the next two weeks.
#2 One time I was sitting at my computer playing Half Life. A friend of mine asked if he could bum a cigarette and made a motion twoards his mouth, fingers spread in a V. Without looking, I reached into my pack and tossed the cigarette over my shoulder across the room in his direction. When he didn't say thank you, I turned around to look at him. He was staring at me in shock, because I had thrown the cigarette not only between his fingers, but between his lips, facing in the right direction. He was standing about 15 feet away from me.
#3 Same friend, at my father's house, in his sun room. I'm standing behind a couch, holding a wiffle bat, which I'm swinging at him jokingly. He throws a body check at me a little too hard, which causes me to stumble backwards, losing my balance. I run backwards into the back of the couch and promptly flip over it backwards. Now, there was an end table next to the couch with a glass of water on it about halfway full. My left foot kicked the end table from the bottom, sending the glass of water arcing into the air. I complete my fall and land on my neck, legs up on the couch, reach out my hand, and catch the glass of water. No spill.
#4 At my father's house again, helping my family clear out stuff for a garage sale. We discover an incomplete bee's nest being formed outside my little sister's sliding glass door. I decide that I am going to smack it down with a wiffle ball bat and run. I do so, but the two bees that were making the nest come after me. I turn to face them... they are charging at me with extremely hostile intentions. I take the first one down with a backhand chop, and then, in the same motion, whip the bat around while bending over backwards. I took the second bee out right where my head had been one second before. My entire family stood looking at me in complete awe.
Feel free to share your own.
User Reviews
Submitted by BlueEagle (user info) at 2006-10-21 13:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i once shot a bird that go into the house with a blowgun at about 20 feet. It was flying across the room, and my dart went in one eye and out the other.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2005-07-05 23:55:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Niiiiiice.
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-07-05 23:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YEE HAW... I hate those moments.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/70015
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2005-04-30 14:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely awesome!
This one time, I while I was busy trying to stop these bank robbers from, uh, robbing this bank, or something, I realized this chick halfway across the world was getting crushed by this car so I went and flew so fast around the world that it actually starting turning backwards, and--
Oh, wait, that was Superman.
... I don't have any good stories.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-04-30 13:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
G-Prime, I laughed for about 5 minutes at your story. Fucking incredible. Tell me, what did he say in french?
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-04-30 13:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.This one time when I was about 11, I fell out with two of my friends. When you're that young, falling out basically means you hate their guts and all the rest of it. At one point, during break at school, they both jumped me. One ran up from just behind me and swung a fist. Purely out of instinct I threw my arm round and twisted in the air. I trapped his arm by pushing my wrist just above the elbow, so it locked and his fist was caught against my back. I pushed hard so he screamed, and the other guy was temporarily stunned, so I kicked him in the stomach.
2.Later that year, the same friend whose arm i caught had fallen out with me again. I was standing in the social area talking to someone and he ran up behind me and yelled into my ear that my girlfriend (I was eleven, so basically she was a girl whose hand I held occasionally) was a slut. Immediately, he bolted away, but I spun around and stuck my foot out perfectly in time for his foot to catch on it. He tripped and smashed his face full-on to the floor. The entire social area (with about 300 kids there) was silent for a second and then exploded into laughter. I sprinted away, jumped the indoor stairs 3-at-a-time and ran outside. He ran after me but couldn't catch up, despite me pissing myself with laughter the entire time.
Funny thing is, we were friends for years after that.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-04-27 21:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeremy stop using my name.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-04-25 16:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On at least four seperate occasions, I've made some sort of grandiose hand gesture and had lightning instantly strike a tree or lamp-post or lightning rod somewhere within about one or two hundred feet from where I was standing. And on two of those occasions, there were no storms or anything nearby.
I was in NYC in January a few years ago, and I was brushing my hair. I'm not going to linkwhore any pictures of it, but it was at least 2'9" at that point. So I'm brushing my hair, and one of my friends walks into the room and says something to the effect of "Is it the static electricity that's making your hair stand out like that, or did you stick an extention cord up your ass again?" I reach out a hand to flick the friend off, and a large spark jumps from the tip of my middle finger to the friend, who was about four feet away. That was awesome. I was kind of afraid to brush my hair for the rest of the trip, though...
While I'm on amusing stories about electricity, another of my friends was stupidly trying to replace a circut breaker. In an auditorium at a school. A circut breaker that still had power running to it (he couldn't get to the master breakers that controlled the feed to the building). The frieposed wires,
nd has never been known for common sense. Predictably enough, he managed to make contact with the exposed wires. He had 80 or 90 amps running through him for a second or two until he twitched away from the wires. The only (visible) damage? He couldn't move his arm for an hour or two.
I've reached bare-handed into a non-discharged computer monitor that I had just smashed open with a hammer (no, I wasn't aware of the lead and the capacitors) and grabbed the wires and components in it and just pulled them out. And I didn't die or even get shocked.
Looking at this, I see a pattern involving electricity. Perhaps I am Thor, reborn.
Submitted by Godless (user info) at 2005-04-25 02:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's mine.
When I was around 15 I lived in a major metropolitan city and the Muni used to pass right in front of my house (guess the city huh, N-J was the specific car). Anyway I had a paintball gun and me and my friends used to love opening the window of my third story room and sniping out onto the street. We wern't too malicious but we did like to hit car windshields and come really close to people walking across the street. Anyway I told my friend I would nail the passenger window of the street car as it came by (A pretty difficult shot) The car came and I shot, now the window had been cracked open like 2 inches and we were unable to see the paintball splat. The muni went up a block more and stopped for over two hours while police cars showed up and began shouting on bull horns. I had actually hit the driver with a paintball, it was an impossible moving shot made at like 70 feet with a paintball. Good times, and man did we get the fuck away from the window.
-Godless
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-25 00:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-04-23 20:41:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Last one I can think of... Last year, I went painballing for the first time. I was helping hold an area right around this old school bus, when I saw a guy trying to come around from the side. I tried to keep an eye on him, but it was too hard with all the trees around. He popped out from behind a tree about ten seconds later; I didn't aim, just shot at him. First shot hit his gun, which knocked the lid off the ball container, spilling ALL his paintballs on the ground. The second shot hit him right in the nuts, sending HIM to the ground. Good thing about that though; all I had left were those two shots.
-------------------------
There is nothing better than aiming at someone 30 metres away and seeing their gun explode in a hail of orange.
Submitted by Squijee (user info) at 2005-04-25 00:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On a long-weekend holiday with my next door neighbour's family, we had met up with some of their friends. They had an 8 year-old kid that was annoying as hell, throwing things at us and generally being annoying. One day, we were just sitting by the river and he was yelling and screaming and throwing rocks at us. My friend warned him and he started running away, still throwing rocks at us as he fled. I stood up and grabbed a tennis ball (we'd just been playing tennis at the caravan park's court). It took me a couple of seconds to get it, as it was behind my friend's chair, and by this time the kid was about 40-50 metres away. Regardless, I stood up and threw it anyway, and it hit him on the side of the head, causing him to run slightly sideways, into a log which he tripped over. He started crying. I started laughing. The only thing I can think of comparing it to is the Simpsons episode with the Krusty Comeback Special, where Bette Midler throws the can and forces the car to explode...
Yeah, that's right. I'm Bette Midler, bitch. WHO ARE YOU?!?
Once we were doing archery at school, and it waqs the day the teacher was assessing our skills. She was looking at me as I loaded the arrow onto the bow, pulled back ready to shoot...and the arrow fell off the bow landing at my feet. I looked at my teacher and she laughed, and I was frustrated so I just bent down, picked up the arrow and in one motion, without properly aiming or anything, just shot the arrow towards the target. Of course, I not only got a bullseye but actually managed to hit the exact centre, covering the crosshair.
I was chuffed.
Submitted by Mr.Brightside (user info) at 2005-04-24 14:36:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One time I was at my grandfathers house with some of my younger couins. he has a bunch of land and the older kids and dads would go out and shoot guns at random things on his property. Some of my family are rednecks and are pretty experienced shooters. I have shot several times before but I am by no means an expert. They were having this contest to see who could shoot this glass milk jar thing that was about 75 yards away. The jar was sitting on top of a wooden crate thing. They shot and shot for about ten minutes or so, and nobody could hit the jar...(we were using military style rifles...no scopes, just iron sights) I picked up an HK 91 and aimed at the jar. Little did we know, the crate that the jar was sitting on had a full propane tank in it. Needless to say, I didnt hit the glass jar, but my too-low shot must have hit the propane tank because there was a huge explosion and the loudest sound I had ever heard. Not that what I did was impressive, but it was the coolest looking thing ever. I also won the contest because we couldnt find the jar :)
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-04-23 20:41:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was in grade 9, I had music class first thing every morning. A couple of us would sharpen pencils, then toss them straight up and try to get them to stick into the ceiling. Over the course of about four months, I managed to nail about ten or so flies.
Also in grade 9, in English class we would rip the covers off textbooks and toss them around when we got bored. Not a problem, since the teacher was very rarely in the room. I figured out that if I side-armed them from the back corner (where I sat) at about eye level, slightly left of the fan, they would arc around and hit the guy second from the front in the far row.
Last one I can think of... Last year, I went painballing for the first time. I was helping hold an area right around this old school bus, when I saw a guy trying to come around from the side. I tried to keep an eye on him, but it was too hard with all the trees around. He popped out from behind a tree about ten seconds later; I didn't aim, just shot at him. First shot hit his gun, which knocked the lid off the ball container, spilling ALL his paintballs on the ground. The second shot hit him right in the nuts, sending HIM to the ground. Good thing about that though; all I had left were those two shots.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-04-23 01:51:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-04-21 12:20:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, so allow me to start off with a disclaimer, this really isn't as psychotic as it sounds.
I was about 8 years old. I have 4 older brothers who really enjoyed terrorizing me on a regular basis. One day, however, the idea they concocted in their just barely pubescent minds was a little too far over the line. Using elaborate choreography and a lot of ketchup, the convinced me that Matthew and Adam were mad at each other and having a knife fight with the kitchen knives. My poor little 8-year-old brain freaked out and I got scared. Then Matthew "killed" Adam and I flipped my lid. I picked up the knife in Adam's "lifeless" hand and threw it at Matthew with all my might.
I managed to pin Matthew's T-Shirt to the wall behind him with the knife, right next to his stomach. He came away with a only little mark where the knife scratched him, I was litterally millimeters away from gutting him.
You know, upon reading this, it very well may be EXACTLY as psychotic as it sounds. Wow.
What I think would have been a MUCH funnier story is if Lojope actually delivered a mortal blow to Matthew, and then Matthew, with his last living breath, pleaded to Adam to avenge him.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-04-22 22:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I flawlessly catch flies out of midair. The family is used to seeing it by now. I mean, it isn't that hard. Flies go a lot slower than people usually think.
Submitted by AlkalineSolo (user info) at 2005-04-22 22:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One time I karate kicked a fly out of the air. It hit a window and then splatted. Did I mention how much I rule?
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2005-04-22 19:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-04-22 17:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This one time, at band camp...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-04-22 16:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, WQP.
I was laid backwards with the hit, and then I put him on the ground IN FRONT OF ME, not behind me. I never turned, I never fell all the way backward, etc etc etc.
Christ, are you gonna go WTH on me too, now?
I have a fanclub, it seems.
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2005-04-22 13:07:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Liked the stories - funny ones in there, specially the origional.
I would insert my own kick-ass thingy here, but it sounds silly, and it's the only one I can remember. I porbably kick ass so much that I have trouble remembering all the times I kick ass.
Or something.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-22 10:08:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
loved reading all of these.
I remember once my friend Adam saying something was "humerous" followed by a sip of his pint, I wittily replied "what, as a pose to a fibula" He laughed and spat his beer all over my sister who got mad and up ended the table sending my pint crashing through the air, Adam caught it in mid air on its way to the floor still with beer pouring out of his nose.
Another time whilst I was working in a pub some rough nut dropped the chalk for the pool cue in my pint. I waited till he was on the other side of the room before throwing it aiming for his head, needless to say it landed straight in his beer.
My brother in law once drunkenly fell over a chair without spilling a drop of beer.
Funny these stories all involve beer and its salvation.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-04-22 08:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, this won't mean much to people who don't sail competitively, but anyway.
At a particularly big Regada named CORK (Canadian Olympic-Training Regada Kingston), I was crewing a boat, and due hangover, had rigged the spinnaker incorrectly, and had made it basically useless, as it was rigged in a fashion where you'd have to hold it in place using only personal strength (very tough with 30 knot winds). In turn we ended up wrigging the spinnaker so that it was just slightly being used by clamping the sheet in a jib clamp. Well, at one point during the race, as I was trapeezing, and holding the jib sheet, a large gust hit the boat, and really made it keel over, and hensed, made me lose my balance and began to spin off to the bow of the boat, which in turn would have me crash into the mast. As I reached out to try and grab whatever I could, I caught a rope, and held onto it for dear life, hoping that it would be attached to something with resistance so that I would slam myself into the mast.
It turned out that the rope was the spinnaker sheet, and the force of my fall was just about the same force as the wind was putting on the sail. So, I was able to catch myself about 2 feet above the mast, and also pull the spinnaker into actual useful position, and stay balances precariously in that position for about a minute as we remained on our current tack.
As I said, it won't mean much to non-sailors, but it was a feat to be admired, and the skipper of the boat and I still joke about it to this day.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-04-22 04:27:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One time I was speeding down Lake Shore Drive in Chicago in the rain and got to the section known as "The S Curve" where the speed limit drops to 25mph because if you go any faster, you have a good chance of skidding into a concrete barrier.
Well, a friend of mine's boyfriend's brother had gotten shot on the south side, so I was driving them in that direction in a bit of a hurry. I was going about 40mph and it was raining, so as I went around the corner the back end of my car kicked out and I rocketed into a skid towards the barrier. I reacted quickly and turned the wheel sending the skid in the other direction and then managed to recover. The friend's boyfriend said, "It's not that big of a rush, he's not dying."
Another time in grade school, I was pissed about something that happened in a basketball game and lobbed the ball backwards over my head from about half court and hit nothing but net. Maybe it's because I rule.
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2005-04-22 04:25:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was 12, my school class went Snowshoeing. We were taking a break for lunch and a bunch of my classmates were halfheartedly chucking snowballs off a cliff. I had been packing a perfect snowball for a couple minutes, when I saw a bird begin to drift across the sky. I rushed to the edge of the cliff and rifled the snowball right into the bird where it staggered in flight and crashed into a nearby cliff. I got detention for that.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-04-22 03:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you guys considered starting your own superhero league - the Uber League or something. It's just unrealised powers, I once shot lasers out of my eyes but no one saw.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-04-22 01:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One thing that comes to mind is a time I was out biking. I went to hop up on the big rolled up thing of chain link fence but I didn't pull up in time. So I smoked the thing dead on and flip over. I landed with my upper body on the rolled up fencing and my legs on the ground. However the neat thing was that my bike was on me upside down. With my seat touching my neck and my handle bars touching my ass(I later sued for that). But the best part was that both my feet were still on the pedals. I managed to technically land half a flip.
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2005-04-22 00:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I threw a cigarette to my buddy across the room. It was about 15 feet away or so and it went directly down the hole of his beer bottle. We thought, 'damn thats a hell of a shot' plus a wasted beer and smoke. I threw him another smoke and it went directly down the same beer bottle hole for the second time in a row.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-21 22:38:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great idea for a post.
If only I had done something cool so I could add to the discussion. Wait, I'm remembering something...I once killed a hobo with a ballpeen hammer. Does that count? No?
Sigh.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-04-21 21:53:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In grade 10, I was on the school basketball team and I made a bet with a friend that I could sink the ball from the corner of the gym on the same side as the net (from behind and beside the net, almost an impossible angle) and that if I sank it he would give me 200 bucks. I threw it and somehow it got in. He said fuck you that was a fluke and besides I don't have 200 dollars. So I said pussy you back out of deal. He said alright I'll make a new bet, if you get it in from the other corner I'll take a shit on the gym floor. He meant the corner opposite the net, waaayyy on the other side. I was pissed because I knew I couldn't make that and the other one was a fluke, but I said fine, but I felt cheated because I didn't get my 200 dollars. So I threw it. And by Thor's hammer, it went in. I couldn't believe it. He just said FUCK IT ALL GODDAMMIT MOTHERFUCKER!!! Except in French. Because I'm French. French school and all? Right, anyway. He said whatever, and that he would shit on the gym floor. But then he didn't, and I got changed and left because it was like a while after practice was over, and we were the only ones left and I had to get home quickly, so I got changed and biked home, the whole way thinking about how I got cheated. But then the next day at school, during the morning annoucements over the P.A. system, the principal said at the end of his notices "and a note to the senior basketball team... It is not funny to defecate on the new floor. This act was immature and reflected poorly upon the whole team. The janitors are NOT happy and we will be having talk with the team during lunch period." And I was all like awwww scoooorre! Good job man!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-21 21:21:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I threw one of those palm-seed things at a bee about 10 feet away buzzing around some white flowers.
Got it.
Submitted by Flaahgra (user info) at 2005-04-21 19:03:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was at the Boardwalk in Santa Cruz, riding one of their roller coasters (I forget what it was called). Anyway, my friend didn't think it was that big of one, so he decided to just leave his hat on for the ride. There were four of us, and he and one other sit in front of me and the last guy. Going around a particularly sharp curve, his hat, of course, flies off. I see it, reach as far out as I can while I go around the curve, and catch his hat. I got some mad thank-you's after it was over. It was rockin'.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-04-21 18:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So Jay, you basically did a belly to back suplex on the guy? Wow, impressive. You should put that on your resume, maybe you'll get a job.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-21 17:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Or maybe it was around long before Disney got it. I'm an ass. That's just where I heard it first.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-21 16:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seven with one blow?
Disney's Prince and the Pauper, if I remember correctly. Mickey said it.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-04-21 16:18:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Junior year of HS, I was playing DT and it was something like midways through the second half.
I broke through the line, and the running back just squared up and hammered me. My feet were planted, but I got knocked back to where I was almost parallel with the ground, feet still on the ground.
I held on to the RB, and from that point, with his feet churning to try and knock me the rest of the way back, I lifted him off of his feet, and planted him on his back, me on top.
It actually got the 9News high school Play of The Week, which was pretty damn cool at the time.
And if it's hard to visualize, imagine the "bullet-time" move from the first Matrix. I was leaned back about like that.
I still have the game film, because it the most amazing thing I've ever done.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-21 16:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:18:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:21:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
I once successfully managed to get all of my urine INTO the bowl while taking a piss...none on the seat, walls or floor!
It happened back in '92...I took pictures so that I have proof.
--------------------------------------------------
Doesn't count if you were sitting down.
Timing is everything, Pauly.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
two years ago i pitched in a playoff game with a broken wrist.
i put the cast on literally two hours after the game ended.
cg 0 rs 12ks
i was sick.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it's from this: http://www.ongoing-tales.com/SERIALS/oldtime/FAIRYTALES/tailor1.html
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:45:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DMD - yes it is. but i was desperate!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:42:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it's from one of Grimm's Tales.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-21 14:20:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
I play second base in softball.
Last season a ground ball was whizzing between me and the first baseman. I knew I would not
be able to get to it in time to keep it infield so, in desperation, I threw my glove at it to stop it. When the glove hit the ground the ball rolled right into it. It didn't get the batter out but
it kept everyone else from tagging up.
That was AWESOME.
haha I'm pretty sure that's illegal
good post
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:16:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by The_Fan (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:51:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
One time I was masturbating and just when I was getting ready to blow my load, there was a knock on the door. I squeezed it tight to try and stop it and went to get the door. When I opend the door there was a guy with a gun who yelled "This is a robbery! Put your hands up". I threw my hands up, letting go of my Johnson, which promptly shot its load. There was a lot of cum, enough to shampoo a small bear. The stuff went flying everywhere and some of it hit the robber in the eyes, blinding him. He dropped the gun and I gave him a karate chop that knocked him out. So I went back inside, cleaned up, put away the Sears catalong and made myself a sandwich.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-04-21 14:57:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
God, where is that from Jon? It's going to make me crazy.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-21 14:54:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:53:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Fan (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:51:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
One time I was masturbating and just when I was getting ready to blow my load, there was a knock on the door. I squeezed it tight to try and stop it and went to get the door. When I opend the door there was a guy with a gun who yelled "This is a robbery! Put your hands up". I threw my hands up, letting go of my Johnson, which promptly shot its load. There was a lot of cum, enough to shampoo a small bear. The stuff went flying everywhere and some of it hit the robber in the eyes, blinding him. He dropped the gun and I gave him a karate chop that knocked him out. So I went back inside, cleaned up, put away the Sears catalong and made myself a sandwich.
---
I'm laughing pretty hard here hahahahahah
"There was a lot of cum, enough to shampoo a small bear."
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2005-04-21 14:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I killed seven with one blow!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-21 14:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I play second base in softball.
Last season a ground ball was whizzing between me and the first baseman. I knew I would not
be able to get to it in time to keep it infield so, in desperation, I threw my glove at it to stop it. When the glove hit the ground the ball rolled right into it. It didn't get the batter out but
it kept everyone else from tagging up.
That was AWESOME.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-04-21 14:03:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been on the recieving end of the ciggarette trick. It made me silent with shock too.
My best one is falling over backwards on a chair while holding three pint glasses in my hands. With no spillage. (I would have had to buy another round!!!).
Good post.
-Dave
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-04-21 13:57:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got a ton of these from my first job. One day, a guy is pulling a pizza out of the oven, and his grip on the paddle slipped, and a large pepperoni pizza started sliding and was headed to the ground. It was just like bullet-time, the way I opened an empty pizza box, and caught the falling pizza with it right before it hit the ground.
Now for one that was completely smug and very stupid on my part.
I was washing dishes, knives to be exact, and when I'd get bored and nobody was watching, I'd fire them at the cutting board that hung on the wall. It was about 10 feet away, and without any effort, I'd snap my elbow and many times, stick it. One time this psychotic chick Tracy (Who we called Psycho T) was jumping around being retarded as usual, standing right next to the cutting board. After throwing at it all day, with probably an 80% success rate, I looked at her, grabbed the smallest knife out of the rack, and flipped the knife in her direction. I just barely caught the left side of the board, and missed her by roughly half an inch.
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-04-21 13:55:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my father is a world-class chef. at a charity auction, he sold a dinner for 6 for a thousand dollars. i was to be the server/waiter guy for the evening. i was cleaning up the plates from the second course, two dirty plates in left hand and one in the right, when a fork slid off the right plate with a big gob of some gooey food stuck on it- right at the hostess's lap. i tossed right-hand plate up in the air and used my now-empty hand to snatch the fork in midair from inches over the ladies' lap WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY catching the airborne plate on top of the other two in my left hand. no muss, no fuss. everyone at the table just stared for a minute, and then burst into applause and laughter.
i bowed deeply, then left the room and shit myself.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-04-21 12:42:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude, that wasnt me razor. someones got my pass.
by the way, bitchin post.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-04-21 12:40:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this one time, i took a really green shit and then i did a magical back flip and then i turned into the lil green leprochan from the lucky charms cereal and then i died.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-04-21 12:27:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! Caul, that Judo flip move is killer, it works every time.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-04-21 12:20:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha. TOo smoove.
One time when I was in grade 3 (so I was 9 years old or so, so my brother would have been 7 or 8) me and my brother went to climb on top of our school to see how many tennis balls ans shit we could find.
The building was only one story high where we were climbing up, and we started by getting on top of these big wooden handrails for the stairs at one of the entrances. It was a sunday afternoon so we weren't worried about getting caught or anything.
I remember the next part vividly because me and my brother were both wearing these cool leather biker gloves with the fingertips cut off and knuckle holes cut out of the backs. Velcro straps for extra baditude. Good times.
Anyway, I manged to get onto the roof, and started to look around for free shit, I mostly saw tar and gravel. When my brother wasn't up right behind me I turned to see him struggling to get up. He only had one hand on the ledge of the roof, and his legs weren't long enough to reach the same egde I had to push myself up, and his hand was starting to slip despite the sweat leathers.
Basically, I saw him the second he was starting to fall, so in fine fashion I fell down on my belly and grabbed his arm mid-air to save him from the fall.
I told him there wasn't anythng up there so he put his foot down on the ledge he was trying to reach and just got back down and then I followed. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. I thought we were both going to die, which is ridiculous. At worst he would've broken his legs or something, but I would've got in big time shit for it still.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-04-21 12:20:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, so allow me to start off with a disclaimer, this really isn't as psychotic as it sounds.
I was about 8 years old. I have 4 older brothers who really enjoyed terrorizing me on a regular basis. One day, however, the idea they concocted in their just barely pubescent minds was a little too far over the line. Using elaborate choreography and a lot of ketchup, the convinced me that Matthew and Adam were mad at each other and having a knife fight with the kitchen knives. My poor little 8-year-old brain freaked out and I got scared. Then Matthew "killed" Adam and I flipped my lid. I picked up the knife in Adam's "lifeless" hand and threw it at Matthew with all my might.
I managed to pin Matthew's T-Shirt to the wall behind him with the knife, right next to his stomach. He came away with a only little mark where the knife scratched him, I was litterally millimeters away from gutting him.
You know, upon reading this, it very well may be EXACTLY as psychotic as it sounds. Wow.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-21 12:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great post. I'm really clumsy so have no skilz to add.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-04-21 12:13:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One time, my friend tripped while carrying a bunch of beer bottles. I grabbed four with my hands, and kicked two more through the air so they landed on the couch and didn't break.
I drank for free that night.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-04-21 12:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Alcohol makes you cool.
----------
yes
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Fan (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:51:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
One time I was masturbating and just when I was getting ready to blow my load, there was a knock on the door. I squeezed it tight to try and stop it and went to get the door. When I opend the door there was a guy with a gun who yelled "This is a robbery! Put your hands up". I threw my hands up, letting go of my Johnson, which promptly shot its load. There was a lot of cum, enough to shampoo a small bear. The stuff went flying everywhere and some of it hit the robber in the eyes, blinding him. He dropped the gun and I gave him a karate chop that knocked him out. So I went back inside, cleaned up, put away the Sears catalong and made myself a sandwich.
---
I'm laughing pretty hard here hahahahahah
"There was a lot of cum, enough to shampoo a small bear."
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:52:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah, this year's holidays I was wrestling with my brother (we were fucking drunk). He's 210 and pretty buff, while I'm at 185 and clearly outmatched. The temperature is around -30C and everything is icy.
He tried to body check me against the frozen snow bank like a fucking panzer. When he hit me I sled on my back and in mid-air, I put my foot in his gut and tossed him over me (like that cheap Judo move). He went head first into the hard as rock snow.
He got up, pretty pissed and kept repeating: "Fuck, I can't believe that cheesy move worked!"
I didn't know it was possible to do this in mid-air. Alcohol makes you cool.
Submitted by The_Fan (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One time I was masturbating and just when I was getting ready to blow my load, there was a knock on the door. I squeezed it tight to try and stop it and went to get the door. When I opend the door there was a guy with a gun who yelled "This is a robbery! Put your hands up". I threw my hands up, letting go of my Johnson, which promptly shot its load. There was a lot of cum, enough to shampoo a small bear. The stuff went flying everywhere and some of it hit the robber in the eyes, blinding him. He dropped the gun and I gave him a karate chop that knocked him out. So I went back inside, cleaned up, put away the Sears catalong and made myself a sandwich.
OK, that really didn't happen. But it would be cool if it did.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:48:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This one time.... At band camp....
<Ahem> Where was I?
I was confronted by this girl in high school, who had a 'problem' with me because her friend had a 'problem' with me and that made it her problem blah blah....
She decided that instead of swinging at me (I'm not stupid enough to swing first) she waited until I walked away and ran up behind me and shoved me down a flight of steps. The stairwell was packed on both sides with kids heading to class. I went careening through the air but managed to balance myself by touching the middle step (about 12 in all) and pushing off to make sure I had enough momentum to clear all the stairs to the landing. Everyone stopped to witness the destruction of my face. Instead I made it to the clearing, on my feet PERFECT LANDING turned to her and flipped her off as the other kids pointed and laughed at her for her lack of PWNERship.
I effectively reverse pwned her ass!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:46:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was playing bike tag in the fifth grade around nine at night, and some car was cruising around with the lights off. Completely sideswiped me, bike crushed, but I just rolled over the car and landed on my feet, then sat down in the road. The only problem was that it was so badass that I don't even remember it, I juts remember waking up sitting indian style in the road, all my friends had to tell me how I landed on my feet.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The cigarette one was pretty cool.
Here's one...
My friend and I were throwing daggers against a barn's wooden wall. Even at 10 feet we struggled to make them "sting" (best word I could find). Fed up, I distanced myself from the wall at a good 50-60 feet.
In three tries, I threw all nine daggers in a row at almost the same velocity, rotation (from my friend's point of view), and made them "sting" at less than inch from each other.
When my ego started to swell, I couldn't even hit the wall half the time at the same distance.
I also seem to be very lucky when I toss cigarette butts.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Playing foosball I shot a ball toward the goal. it hit the goalie and went soaring through the air DIRECTLY into the corner pocket of a pool table that was well over fifteen feet away.
Submitted by gtz (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yeah, I have another one.
One day me and a buddy were hangin out, and my friend threw a belt at me in a nigger-like fashion. As it hit my face, the belt buckle broke, and put a full hole in my upper lip. Blood was gushing everywhere and I could put my tongue all the way through. It bled for almost 2 days straight.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was way late on that schlongy one, damn.
Submitted by choc_bongo (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:19:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was about 12 I was on my brand new 10 speed with toe straps on the pedals.
I was showing off, riding with no hands and thinking how clever I was, when I slipped sideways on the seat.
Instead off falling off straight away, my left knee hooked over the seat and my right foot stayed stuck in the toe strap.
I managed to keep the bike upright and myself off the ground by "running" along the road with my hands.
After about 25 feet I finally slipped off the bike and rolled, landing on my feet.
The bike continued down the road by itself. It turned up onto the footpath and then parked itself perfectly against a fence.
Wasn't intentional but still looked very cool...
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:18:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:21:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
I once successfully managed to get all of my urine INTO the bowl while taking a piss...none on the seat, walls or floor!
It happened back in '92...I took pictures so that I have proof.
--------------------------------------------------
Doesn't count if you were sitting down.
Submitted by garcon_fou (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
man, these are great stories.
An old roommate of mine used to have a spyderco enduro knife, which is a folding knife with a 3.5" blade. It was a heavy blade, so you could flick it open with your wrist if you wanted to get it out fast. My other roommate Michael needed to cut something and asked him for the knife. Without a pause he underhanded it across the room and we watched in horror as the knife spun and opened in midair. Without flinching, Michael caught the knife with both hands together like he was praying, with the tip of the knife just protruding from between his hands, pointed straight at his face.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:13:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's great I try to do that kinda thing all the time. I usally fail but it's worth it for the looks of shock and respect when you do pull it off.
in fact you just gave me an idea
Submitted by Jay_Bassman (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool post.
I have a knack for killing flies by swatting at them with a pen.
Submitted by dean (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Once at an outdoor weekend concert (yay Stevie Ray) we were drinking on top of the motor home when I took a step back, and by step back I mean off the back edge. I was going backwards and upside down when I reached out and grabbed the rung of the ladder on the back. I did spill my drink somewhat but not my brains.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're swift and wily like a ninja.
The coolest thing I ever did like that was this: I was playing pool with my friend Mimi one night, and I only had 2 balls left on the table. I shot at one of them, thinking I would sink it in the corner pocket, but someone bumped my cue as I was shooting, and it caused my shot to be a little off. I ended up splitting the 2 balls and sinking both of them in one shot, one in each corner pocket. I told everyone that I meant to do it and they believed me.
Also, one other time, I fell over backwards in my bar stool while holding a drink, and I managed not to spill any of it.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:07:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
one time i-
who am i kidding, i've never done anything worthwhile or applaudable
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:05:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#2 is great.
The best I've done wasn't really associated with skill in the slightest - I was in one of the few detentions I got in primary school, sitting in the principal's office at a small desk at the back of the room. She was sitting facing the other way, so I was passing the time by throwing a rubber (eraser, whatever) up and down against the wall. After a couple of throws, it hits the edge of the shelf right at the top, arcs slowly back over my head, into the ceiling fan and *WHAM* - cannons into the back of my Principal's head.
Given I was about 10, I panicked and apologised excessively, and nothing more was said of the incident.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:45:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:30:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
I went out onto a post in the sea and pulled a Karate Kid crane kick. Unfortunatly I'd consumed enough alcohol to kill a baby rhino and so fell off, broke my glasses, got my leg trapped and had to flounder around in the waves for a while until a much amused onlooker came to my rescue.
I won't be trying that again.
--------------
haha, you just spill my Apple juice on my 'work' now I have to start over again...
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet post too
Submitted by gtz (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:35:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A couple years ago I actually managed to hunt down my penis with an electron microscope, AND I got to maneuver it into my slut's gaping hole with 1 latex glove and a can of peanuts. Never happened since, but I mapped the quadrant of my penis's location.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow...those are pretty sweet. i have done a few similar sweet moves in my day...
junior year in college, i'm wasted. pre-blacking out, but i was solidly Timmy-Drunk. Carrying two pint glasses filled with Bov Passion (one part grain, one part gatorade, another part grain) for my buddy and I, i make my way down the front stairs of my fraternity house.
I slip, and fall down the stairs like something out of home alone. smacked my face a few times, sprained my ankle, and made a huge scene. when i reached the bottom, i was in severe pain, but everyone was standing looking gapejawed. i hadn't spilled a drop of booze. both glasses still in my hands, filled to the brim.
another time...i was about 10. i had just gotten my first mountain bike with hand brakes. (instead of bmx style with pedal brakes) flying down my driveway, i go to do a skid stop, of the variety i have done a thousand times before. I jack my left brake, thinking it was the back.
it wasn't. I flip over the handle bars, my bike follows me, st ill attached to my hands, and i land on my feet. my mom saw, and still talks about it to this day.
what a country.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:34:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a legend. I don't think I've ever done anything like that...
Oh wait, once when I was about 4 I stopped rain just by telling to to stop, and I could make it day or night by blinking. Now that I look back that, they could have been dreams.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:33:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome... I love it when that happens... I liked the cigarette one.
I was coaching indoor soccer a couple of weeks ago, and I told my team they wouldn't have to run suicides if I kicked the soccer ball into the basketball net from across the gym. knowing it would never happen. Jokingly and half-hearted I kicked it right in off the back board... shock and awe... I really impressed the parents who were there waiting for the practice to end.
Another incident inspired a post of mine... http://www.ubersite.com/m/57050 Ice and stairways make an dangerous mix.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I went out onto a post in the sea and pulled a Karate Kid crane kick. Unfortunatly I'd consumed enough alcohol to kill a baby rhino and so fell off, broke my glasses, got my leg trapped and had to flounder around in the waves for a while until a much amused onlooker came to my rescue.
I won't be trying that again.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:29:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I caught a buzz last night.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I catch flies in midair with my hands all the time.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:25:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But it's cheating if you're sitting down, Shlongy.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One time when I was maybe 8 or 9 years old and we were outside eating steak at a picnic table in our backyard. A fat horsefly landed on the table. I picked up my steak knife, and sliced the fly perfectly in half. The front half then crawled off the end of the table.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I once successfully managed to get all of my urine INTO the bowl while taking a piss...none on the seat, walls or floor!
It happened back in '92...I took pictures so that I have proof.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I keep picturing the internet celebrity "StarWars Kid" doing all these things, especially the last one
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tragically the most impressive thing like that for me was throwing a sheet of A4 across a room and it slid in perfectly between two books stacked on top of one another.
My Grandfather on the other hand was a decorater and he once fell down a flight of stairs holding a paintbrush in one hand and a pot of paint in the other. He realised as he was falling that if he spilt any paint then he would have to do the whole job again, so he did a double somersault and landed perfectly with all the paint in the can and not touching anything with his brush.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So be it... Jedi.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Neo, is that you?
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:16:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Most everything I do at work is seen in bullet time if that counts for anything.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-04-21 10:15:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#2 and #3 are fucking cool.