Why I Should Have Won The Stupid Primary School Science Fair (1146 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.88 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-04-21 11:24:29 EDT
The Inspiration:
Plague proportions of furry little wriggling things were invading my house. It was fun for a while, but there's only so many ways that one can slip them into the family meals without the kids noticing, so I decided something had to be done. When the pest control guy came out to spray them (great guy, very thorough. Call and ask for John, tell him I sent you) I asked him if they were dangerous at all. This is his response, verbatim:
"Well, right, ya see, those hairs can be nasty for sensitive skinned types 'a people, but really they'll only do ya damage if ya eat a lot of them."
The highly polished steel trap of my mind (rusty bear trap in a forgotten forest with the desperately gnawed off limb of a koala still stuck firmly between the teeth, rotting gently in the summer heat) immediately seized on this idea (as though it were a lost child, separated from his family during a happy picnic in the woods and condemned to die from blood loss, shock, and rabid ferret attack) as something I could try out in the interests of science and nature (nature, as opposed to nurture, 'cause let's face it, people, anyone who sees dead koala bear limbs and lost children in bear traps has more than a little difficulty with the 'nurture' side of the human psyche.)
The Experiment:
After digging out a fairly sizeable basement beneath the local Lutheran Church (what, I'm gonna shit where I eat? Not likely. Let the Lutherans cop the blame) and seducing a homeless guy into following my swaying ass and bouncing boobs down to my "wine cellar" (swaying like a semi trailer, bouncing like the earth's crust in an 8.0 point earthquake), I knocked him unconscious. I went back to my place and filled three buckets with white cedar moth caterpillars. My husband asked plaintively what I was doing, and when I'd be home, because the kids hadn't eaten in three days and he was tired of begging the cat for oral sex, but I snarled at him and he went away.
Upon returning to the church, I found my homeless friend sobbing like a baby and weakly trying to claw his way through the dirt walls. I soothed him by stroking his hair with a cricket bat repeatedly and then began the carefully monitored feeding process.
I was cramming the fifth double handful into his mouth when he turned an unpleasant shade of greyish green and vomited dead, half chewed caterpillars down his stained shirt. This was highly irritating, as now my measurements were going to be thrown off, so in the interests of pure science I held his mouth open with a short length of dowel, ran a garden hose into his stomach, and pushed mashed caterpillars down this cleverly improvised "feeding tube" with an aquarium pump, scavenged from my son's fishtank (it's not like the fucking fish need it - they're too busy eating each other to care. It's a Discovery Channel documentary in there. Throw in a lion eating a zebra and it's gold, baby.)
The Conclusion:
Inconclusive. Subject did, indeed, die, but whether death can be attributed to caterpillar poisoning, asphyxiation, massive blood loss, multiple fractures, internal injuries or assorted head wounds can not be reliably determined. (Some persuasion was necessary to induce subject to ingest caterpillars, even when mashed. Even when rammed down his throat with a broomhandle. Even when flavored with nutmeg and a hint of cinammon.) Recommend repeating experiment with a more pliable subject, perhaps something in a Mormon?
And now, a recipe:
Pumpkin Soup
1 1/2 kilo Kensington pumpkin, peeled and chopped.
2 large onions, peeled and quartered.
1 tblspn chicken stock powder
salt & pepper to taste
1/2 cup chopped parsley
1 litre milk
Boil pumpkin and onion in a large pot with a lot of water until all children in the house mutter "smells like duck poop. I'm not eating whatever it is" or for 1/2 hour, whichever happens first.
Drain and run them through a food processor (the pumpkin and onion, not the children) until smooth. Return to heat and stir in the milk slowly, not allowing the soup to boil.
Add chicken stock, parsley, and salt and pepper and allow soup to almost simmer for 1/2 hour. Do not bring to the boil or the milk will scald.
Serve topped with a teaspoon of cream and a sprig of parsley.
Google image search for "suck larvae"
User Reviews
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-04-30 19:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I soothed him by stroking his hair with a cricket bat repeatedly
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To use the despised cliche, I really did laugh out loud. Which is probably unusual for my family to hear...disconnected, random laughing. God damn you, now I seem like a looney.
Submitted by kylis327 (user info) at 2005-04-30 09:44:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 me and ill -2 you
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-04-29 12:30:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by baking_Lady (user info) at 2005-04-29 12:20:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My favorite lube is astroglide.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-04-29 06:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
australia is weird.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-29 05:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-29 05:26:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-23 13:54:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I soothed him by stroking his hair with a cricket bat repeatedly"
You are a magnificent beast. I have missed you.
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I almost missed you enough to make a whole new comment to express my fondness for your presence.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-29 05:26:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-23 13:54:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I soothed him by stroking his hair with a cricket bat repeatedly"
You are a magnificent beast. I have missed you.
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I almost missed you enough to make a whole new comment to express my fondness for your presence.
Submitted by Askari (user info) at 2005-04-27 03:15:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL. tell your husband to leave that poor cat alone
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-04-25 16:27:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-04-25 16:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post made me snort with laughter several times. Welcome back.
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-04-23 18:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-23 13:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I soothed him by stroking his hair with a cricket bat repeatedly"
You are a magnificent beast. I have missed you.
Submitted by choc_bongo (user info) at 2005-04-23 12:04:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, yes - experimenting on religious callers. Can't say it hasn't crossed my mind.
Out of curiosity, how should I pronounce your name ? Just in case it ever comes up in um...
everyday conversation or er... say, a police interrogation ?
"that girl on the internet...Circe...it was her idea...she made me do it."
Is it like 'lurk' or 'purse' or 'xerxes' or 'mercy' ?
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-04-21 20:43:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ughh.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-21 19:52:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to see you around.
I guess married life is treating you pretty well, huh?
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the way you think.
Science is an unpredictable and risky thing.
At least for the bum it was.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:27:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was fucking strange
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-04-21 14:59:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for this:
"I soothed him by stroking his hair with a cricket bat repeatedly..."
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-04-21 13:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-21 13:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The only part I really liked was the "swaying ass and bouncing tits" part, which, incidentally, gave me the beginnings of one great hardon.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-21 13:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
blargh!
I am eating lunch... yet I cannot stop reading this.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-21 13:12:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmm....bouncing ass and swaying boobs....
er....
um....
wait a minute.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-04-21 12:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Upon returning to the church, I found my homeless friend sobbing like a baby and weakly trying to claw his way through the dirt walls."
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heheh... They're always so adorable when they do that. :D
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-04-21 12:16:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rabid ferret attack
ohhhhh yes, yes, yes!
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-04-21 12:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My husband asked plaintively what I was doing, and when I'd be home, because the kids hadn't eaten in three days and he was tired of begging the cat for oral sex, but I snarled at him and he went away."
Sacrifices must be made in the interest of science.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-04-21 12:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pumpkin soup is awesome. My aunt makes an awesome one.
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:55:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
the post sucked, but +1 for picture of dermestid beetle larvae.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweety, I'm technically a Lutheran.
Oh... Now I get it. I was wondering why the cops showed up. Despite me living at least an hour away from you. Must not be too many Lutherans around.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You people have no fucking sense of Evil.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shouldn't one of the main ingredients of that recipe be caterpillar?
Submitted by Josephine (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have no idea what to think of this post, but it was well written.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:28:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaa aaaaa aaaaaaa aaaachooo!
Submitted by gtz (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:27:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This post belongs in the garbage. Call Waste Management, ask for Bubba (tell him I sent you)
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-04-21 11:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What, no caterpillars in the soup?
Welcome back...