Discrimination (759 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.86 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Josephine (View user info) at 2005-04-21 14:54:05 EDT
Like most large offices, where I work there is a large common area equipped with two large refrigerators, a small ice maker, three coffee makers, a sink, utensils, the works. We also have two microwaves that are always disgusting. I try my best not to use them because I'm afraid the radioactive slime of a thousand microwaves will infect my food.
Until today. Last night I made a delicious lasagna, and I brought some in for lunch. I was wary of using the microwave, but I don't particularly like cold lasagna, so I covered it carefully and placed it in one of the two empty microwaves for three minutes.
Instead of going back to my desk and doing nothing, I gazed out the window at the serenity of the freeway next to my office while I waited for my food to warm.
After about a minute, I heard a loud "Shit!" behind me, near the microwaves. I turn to see a guy standing with a plastic container in front of the microwave currently nuking my lasagna.
I politely laughed. "Something wrong?"
The guy turns to me. I've seen him wandering the other side of the office before, but never with a look of seething rage in his eyes.
"Someone's using my fucking microwave!"
I tried not to laugh again. "Um...there's two microwaves, you know."
"The other one is FILTHY! I always use this one; it's cleaner."
At this point I really wanted to get into an argument about how both microwaves could use an industrial grade cleaner, but instead I shrugged and said "It'll be done in a minute and a half."
The guy huffed (and by huffed, I mean he actually stomped his foot, mashed his arms to his sides and let out a big "HRMPH!") and stormed back to his side of the office, leaving the plastic container on the counter next to the microwave, which had a solid minute left.
My amusement and curiosity got the best of me rather quickly. I opened up the container only to see a chicken quesadilla. It looked handmade and quite delicious.
You won't believe this, but generally I'm not a horrible person. Instead I tend to be reclusive and hermit-like, staying in my cube until I can leave, only venturing out to eat and pee. But today I was in a testy mood and I thought the guy needed to lighten up.
My food only had thirty seconds left, so I had to think quickly. To my advantage, my only friend in the office had brought his own food in today: some home made hummus.
I love hummus, and my friend's was excellent, but he always did something to it to make it look rancid. Kind of like guacamole left out for a few days straight. It was brown-green with a bumpiness that resembled mold.
Quickly, I got the hummus out of the fridge and put some inside the quesadilla. I didn't want to hurt the guy, only give him a shock.
My lasagna finished and I put the guy's container back the way I found it. I left quickly, not wanting him to know that it was my food that had held up his precious microwave.
About five minutes later, I heard some yelling in the commons area. Acting like I needed a paper towel, I wandered over there.
The guy was ranting and raving, throwing his quesadilla everywhere! One of his team members was trying to ask him what was wrong.
"Someone fucked with my quesadilla! I spent two hours making these last night, and SOMEONE FUCKED WITH THEM!"
Trying not to laugh, the co-worker tried to calm him down. Instead, the guy kept ranting.
"I don't know what they did, but there's some kind of shitty mold in them, and there's GARLIC! DOESN'T EVERYONE KNOW I CAN'T HAVE GARLIC?!"
Unable to get my paper towel, I stood frozen trying to suppress laughter. The co-worker asked if he was allergic to garlic.
"I'm not fucking allergic to garlic, you MORON, I'm a VAMPIRE! DON'T YOU KNOW GARLIC KILLS VAMPIRES?!"
...frankly, this is not what I had expected to come of this situation. The co-worker busted out laughing while I stood in shock.
The guy noticed our expressions and the laughter coming from down the hall.
"What the fuck is so funny?!"
As I was the only one not laughing, I calmly explained a few things to the guy:
1. He was standing in direct sunlight. If he was a vampire, he would have burst into flames long ago.
2. Vampires don't need to eat food. For one thing, they can't taste it, and spending two hours making quesadillas would be silly.
3. Perhaps the gross microwaves caused spontaneous food to grow in the quesadilla. (This is the conclusion I had initially hoped he would reach.)
Just then, our HR manager walked up. It was clear he had been laughing about the situation and now had something important to say.
"Guy," he said, forcing a look of concern, "I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go."
The guy, who had been confused and annoyed throughout my educational speech, flared up again. "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY?!"
HR manager covered a laugh with some coughing. "I'm sorry, but we're not licensed to employ vampires."
User Reviews
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-04-25 09:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There was a vampire cult at my high school. I hung out with one dude from it, as he was just starting to get involved. He let some crazy goth/vamp chick slice his arm and suck the blood for a couple hours. I stopped hanging out with him after that. Anyway, good story. +2
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-04-22 06:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU GET AN ICE MACHINE??!!
we too have a really nasty microwave. not nasty enough for me to think about cleaning it though.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-04-22 06:15:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-04-22 04:10:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-04-22 03:51:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I made 8 points on the stock of the company after that bitch Carly got bumped.
It would have been over 10, but I thought "people" were going to be even happier
than they were, of her departure, and hung on for just a little too long.
8% is better than Nut-in
So yeah,
I,m down with HP
Or should I say up?
Submitted by Orla (user info) at 2005-04-21 20:40:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being a vampire expert.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-04-21 18:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny .. I have always felt that the worst
thing about work is co-workers.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-04-21 16:40:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:38:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone should make it an aim to eat more germs. Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
I loved your story.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-04-21 16:30:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by skeezy (user info) at 2005-04-21 16:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny post. Didn't see the vamprie bit coming.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-21 16:01:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty good
Submitted by Josephine (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:33:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you work at Viacom?
---
Nope, I work for a company that is a client of a world-wide computer company that just fired its CEO.
Most days I'd prefer Viacom.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:38:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone should make it an aim to eat more germs. Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
I loved your story.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you work at Viacom?
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this.
Just slightly less than a +3.
-Dave
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:29:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We had an asshole at my job like that. Well, not quite.
He was a short fat man, that looked like a troll with saussage fingers. He was obsessed with Buffy the vampire slayer, stared at our boobs, and we were sure she had a 12 sided-dice to make decisions (-2 hit with an axe to the gnome or some other D&D crap) with before his day started.
He always tried to convince us that cancer was like a vampire and that if he could figure out how it works, he would live forever or some shit. And this people, is where your donations for cancer research go. To keep this guy (who has a PhD by the way) working. Fuck!
(please continue to donate, I need my job)
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:20:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tee hee
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In college we had a student lounge down the hall from our design studio and there was a fridge. People would put in thier leftovers and they would remain for weeks. Eventually the fridge was soo disgusting that no one dared use it, and no one had the stomach to clean it. Occasionally someone would open it and consequently would make the lounge smell like a mix of beer puke, chinese food , and dead mayans. We chained and padlocked that shit, leaving a note to dispose of it when the semester ended.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In what universe does it take 2 hours to make chicken quesadillas? Even the most customer-service-challeged Taco Bell employee could probably bang one out in under 10 minutes.
That guy sounds like a dangerous freak, it's probably better for everyone that he got fired.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:12:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the microwaves - which at one point were white and are now a dingy shade of red on the interior - are not disgusting and don't prevent me from using them on a regular basis.
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My oven's a lot like that. I like it, whenever I cook a pie I can regress to being in the womb.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:12:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is worthy.
Submitted by Josephine (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Now if it's one thing that irritates the shit out of me it's whiny psychos who bang on about 'filth'. There is no reason to be afraid of a little melted cheese in a microwave. In fact it dosn't matter if the microwave is covered in melted cheese because bacteria will still cling to your hands, fork, food, tounge, teeth and throat as you eat. Whats more, when you nuke your food in a plastic container it CANNOT become contaminated by said cheese.
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You're right. I rationally know that the microwave can not transfer any more germs than me simply touching the food will, especially when it's in a container. But that does not mean that the microwaves - which at one point were white and are now a dingy shade of red on the interior - are not disgusting and don't prevent me from using them on a regular basis.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:06:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope this was true!
Submitted by gtz (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic douchebaggery. Well done, Josephine.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Now if it's one thing that irritates the shit out of me it's whiny psychos who bang on about 'filth'. There is no reason to be afraid of a little melted cheese in a microwave. In fact it dosn't matter if the microwave is covered in melted cheese because bacteria will still cling to your hands, fork, food, tounge, teeth and throat as you eat. Whats more, when you nuke your food in a plastic container it CANNOT become contaminated by said cheese.
Of course you realised this before you finished, hence that ridiculous nonsense about vampires.
+1 for what was no doubt an excrutiatinly painful creative process
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-04-21 15:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hardee harhar, this was funny!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-21 14:56:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment