What happens when you try and Tap into your inner Jackie Chan and Jackie isn't there. (1036 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.63 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by mbstateside (View user info) at 2005-04-21 16:41:02 EDT
Ok this post is inspired by http://www.ubersite.com/m/64737 "Tapping Your Inner Jackie Chan"
I'm the kind of idiot who tries to do this sort of thing all the time. Ever since I was a kid I've been trying to do crazy things like that that in my minds eye seam like such a great idea and I have never grown out of it. I've have had numerous successes and done some pretty cool things which have impressed all who saw them. I've also had some pretty glorious failures and I thought they might be more interesting.
For the record I'd say my success rate is probably somewhere between 7 and 15% depending on the difficulty of the maneuver but that still hasn't stopped me (much to my mothers and my girlfriends chagrin) It's just so worth it for that moment of glory when you feel like a total bad ass pirate for doing the near impossible.
Note not all of these are strictly speaking "Jackie Chan moment" failures but they are all times when I've thought I had a great idea that didn't quite turn out the way I had planned.
Anyway on with the failures. And yes these are all true.
Age 9 or 10
Situation:
I'm sitting on a branch about 15 feet high in a tree. It's a lovely summers day, I'm there with my brother and 3 other pals life is good, I feel the need to be a hero.
The Plan:
To jump from where I am off my nice safe branch grab another branch which is about 6 feet below and in front of me, swing off it before an easy release and nice two footed landing to the grown cue applause.
What actually happened:
Due to a slight error in judgment on my part I only succeeded in grabbing the aforementioned lower branch with my left hand. This resulted in me twisting in the air before plummeting down to land with my whole body weight on my right wrist which happened to land on a rock jutting out of the ground.
Result:
Severely sprained left wrist, broken tibia and fibula in my right.
Age 13
Situation:
I'm at the local BMX track with a buddy and a fair few complete strangers most of whom are big kids (ie.15 or so) we've gone round the track rather tentatively a few times, I feel the need to be a hero.
Note: as shall soon be seen below I was at the time by no means a proficient BMXer (is that a word?)
The Plan:
To fly down the opening straight and totally kill the first jump which happens to be a rather large camels hump. Up until now we'd been taking it easy and just doing a little jump over each hump. I'd seen a couple of these older kids just flying over them both and figured I'd get me some of that.
What actually happened:
Did I mention that I wasn't exactly a star rider at this time in my life? (not that I'm by any means an expert now) Did I mention that it was a BIG camels hump? I did? Good then you'll probably be able to envisage what happened next. I fly into the first jump leaning far to far forward meaning that I'm coming down hard with my bike at roughly a 45° angle to the ground. Now this wouldn't have been too bad had I hit the down slope of that second hump but I think that you can guess by the fact I'm talking about some of my biggest failures that this us not what happened. No, I come crashing down into the upward slope of the second hump (which for the record is also approximately 45° meaning that I'm basically hitting it at a perpendicular angle). I fly straight over the handlebars and get a face full of dirt and grit at mach 12.
Result:
Broken Nose, sprained back and a face cut up swollen and full of the dirt and crap form the track which proceeds to get infected meaning that I've got all sort of puss and shit coming out of my face for the next week or two. Luckily I had such good supportive friends at school that no one decided to ridicule me or call me puss boy or anything of that nature. Yeah right!
Age 17
Pissing about in the Common room during a free period during my A' Levels*. The room is pretty much full, it's the summer and everyone is chatting laughing joking or whatever except for one of my friends who is dozing by the window, I feel the need to a hero/dick
* For the Americans in England we take GCSE exams at 16 if you get decent grades and of course if you want to you go on to then do A' levels for two years and then onto University. When doing A' levels your generally supposed to be a bit more mature and you'll often have free periods for this reason most schools/college's will have what's called a common room. It's basically just a place to chill / hang out / hide while your supposed to be studying. Ours was on the first floor with big bay windows.
The Plan:
To get a cup of water and douse my sleeping buddy in front everyone. Hilarity should ensue with everyone laughing at my crazy antics.
What actually happened:
As I'm stood over my sleeping buddy ready to drench him the door swings open. Wanting to make sure it wasn't one of the head of year's infrequent visits to make sure we aren't destroying the place I turn my head to see who it is. As I turn my head however I unrealisingly (yep I'm pretty sure that's not a word but I'm gonna go with it anyway) tip some of the contents of the cup onto my friend who wakes with a start legs flipping everywhere and arms flying. One of these arms connects sweetly with the cup being held loosely in my hand and proceeds to send it flying through the big ass window.
Result:
A pissed of friend, a room full of shocked people, a suspension and a hefty bill for a new window.
Age 18
The Situation:
It's winter, it's about 2:30 in the morning I'm drunk and I'm driving myself and some friends home from a night on the town (yes I know that's very bad and in my mothers car too). Anyway it's a good 20 minute drive conversation is starting to go stale as everyone is far too wasted to be able to hold a coherent thought in their head. Once again I feel the need to a hero and liven things up.
The Plan:
Maybe in this case plan is too strong a word because I have to be honest and say not a lot of thought went into this at all (which is probably why it turned out as it did) As we're coming up to a roundabout I get the crazy notion that it would be cool if I pull a handbrake turn round the Island before putting on the power and speeding off in a perfect rally cross kind of way What could possibly go wrong!
What actually happened:
I think you can kinda imagine. Suffice to say the maneuver did not quite come of as I anticipated. Coming into the turn I hit a patch of ice and ended up pulling not just a 360° but I would guess roundabout a 420° in the process of doing this I managed to mount the kerb and narrowly avoid hitting a post box as well as a 3 foot ditch.
Result:
A very sobering experience, two very shook up and pissed off females (meaning that me and my buddy where not getting any action that night and me swearing of drink driving forever*.
* Point of fact this resolution actually lasted about 3 weeks
Age 20
The Situation:
My Birthday I'm at Uny and we're having a big night out to celebrate the fact that I have now been on this earth for 20 years. The incident takes place in a nightclub at or around Midnight. At this point I've been drinking solid for about 13 hours (yes I was waiting aside the University bar when it opened). I'm on the dance floor doing my best drunken stagger completely out of time to the music when a girl I kinda know and have flirted with in the past comes up to dance with me. She's drunk too. Once again I decide it's time to be a hero.
The Plan:
Full of Alcohol and a supreme confidence that at this point in time I could whoop Michael Jackson, John Travolta and Fred Astaire in a dancing competition. I decide it's time to show this girl some moves. The plan is to jump on the stage shake my stuff and culminate in a full 360° spin amid rapturous applause before taking my lovely young lady (who by this point would be completely in love with me thanks to my funky moves) back to my place for a little bedroom Gymnastics
What actually happened:
The plan started well (or at least so it seamed at the time) I'm on the stage, I'm shaking my funky stuff and the girl in question and quite a few other people all around seam quite generally impressed. Ok I think to myself it's time for the big finish the 360° degree spin. Come on Matty Boy I say to myself you've got this down.
Unfortunately for yours truly about half through the spin I realise why I seam to have so much attention from people in the local vicinity. My trousers where round my ankles. This may seam like a difficult thing not to be aware but at the time I had totally forgotten about the fact that upon climbing up to the stage dropping trou' had seamed like a good way of adding a little panache and individuality to my performance (unfortunately getting naked in Public is not something that concerns me in a major way particularly when drunk. See http://www.ubersite.com/m/61903 if you want to know more NSFW)
Now I don't know if any of you have ever tried to perform a 360° spin with your trousers round your ankles but believe me it is not easy. I ended up making it about half way round before loosing my balance and falling arse over tit from the stage and landing straight on top of the chick I'm trying to impress. Then just as I'm thinking that things can't possibly get worse I feel an arm wrap itself around my throat like a vice and proceed to drag me literally kicking and screaming across the dance floor towards the doors with those damn trousers still around my ankles. A friend of mine who witnessed the whole thing to this day swears it was one of the funniest things he's ever seen in his life. It seams that by this stage my antics have caught the attention of the bouncers and they're none too happy with it. I'm quickly manhandled towards the exit and thrown out into the cold rainy street (my birthday is in November) without even having the chance to re-cloth myself or apologise to the young lady whom I was trying to impress.
Result:
This one does not take much working out suffice to say I got very wet and I did not get laid.
So there you have it believe me these are just the tip of the iceburg but I believe I've embarrassed myself enough.
As with the Jackie Chan post please feel free to include your moments of shame.
Attached is an mpeg of somebody else having a What happens when a Jackie Chan momenet goes wrong moment. it's an old one but a good one
User Reviews
Submitted by Bizantine (user info) at 2005-04-22 11:17:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
plus 2 for the title - almost as good as that landmark "Where is my sock" post
not to say your post isn't good, i just didn't bother reading it
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-22 07:44:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-21 22:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice one, you crazy nekkid fool.
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-04-21 20:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad
Submitted by frap (user info) at 2005-04-21 19:14:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This is a negative 1 for referencing Jackie Chan :( instead of Van Damme :)
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-04-21 18:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice work. we've all been there...
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2005-04-21 18:23:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ouch
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-04-21 18:10:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Well, we've all been there....."
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2005-04-21 18:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<Insert witty comment here>
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-21 17:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GOOD STUFF
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2005-04-21 17:47:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 because you mentioned pirates and I am SO SICK of pirates.
+4 because you've done dumber things than I have and people who do stupid things kick ass
Now, I'm not going to mention my most embarassing fuck ups but I'll mention the two most recent. The other day at work, I was closing a cabinet door while checking out a cute guy that came in. The plan was for us to make eye contact and flirt/fuck/whatever. What actually happened(and I still don't know how it happened because I'm a whole foot taller than the height of the door) was I ended up using a lot more force to close the door than I anticipated and I smacked myself square in the eye with the corner of the door. It hit me so hard that it actually bounced off my eye and hit the cabinet next to it and knocked me to the floor. Cute boy and I did make eye contact though. Of course it was only because he ran over to see if I was still conscious and if I needed an ambulance. Now I have the first black eye of my life and I've had a migraine since.
The second happened about 3 months ago. I was taking my dogs out for a walk and as I was walking down the stairs of my porch to the sidewalk, my hot neighbor(who was out fixing his car with his hot friends) said something to me. I stopped and turned to look at him and the big dog, who had somehow gotten my legs tangled in her leash, cuntinued to walk down the stairs. The medium sized dog stopped on the stair below me when I stopped so when the big dog pulled on the leash, I not only fell but I also tripped over the other dog and went head over heels onto the cement a few steps below. I ended up with a knee injury, a concussion, a huge bump on my head, and a bruised ego. Real smooth Julie, real smooth. I am a clutz anyway but when you add a hot boy to the mix, I'm sure to humiliate myself and end up in the E.R.
Submitted by magic_flounder (user info) at 2005-04-21 17:28:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's great being a twat isn't it?
For anyone British who is old enough or dumb enough to recall inane adverts on tv. There used to be a 'Join the TA' army advert years ago. In the advert they're driving in the dark in a jeep and are told 'Kill the lights, get off the road' and drive off into some woods. All highly exciting.
Well, one day I was driving my (now) exes Landrover after dark through country roads and the advert came to mind! So I did just what they did in the ad, killed the lights, swung left into some woodland just like the tv army men.
What happened next.
I couldn't see a bloody thing (naturally) and drove into an abandoned railway sleeper. I do not know WHY it was even in a forest.
Even better it was a very old Landrover (1958 or so) so it had no seatbelts.
Result : I smashed my face into the steering wheel, claret everywhere and sported 2 black eyes for a fornight afterwards.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-04-21 17:21:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
RwS and Razor you both had me laughing out loud, Thanks
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-04-21 17:17:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahaha as funny as those all were, runswithscissors tops it.
The Scenario:
Age 10. One of those warm spring afternoons that just begs for a cliche. My entire family is out on the street, my sisters and I are riding our bikes around in lazy circles. Both of them manage to fall over in the driveway, to the amusement of my parents.
The Plan:
I will come up to the driveway at high speed, hit my brakes, and slide sideways between them to a stop, proving that I am the best child and a general badass.
What actually happened:
As I slid sideways, my rear tire clipped my sisters bike and spun me around. I go flying off the bike and smash into the driveway. Cuts all over my elbows, knees, and face, and a twisted right ankle. Lots of blood. Everyone laughed at me once they were sure I wasn't dead.
Submitted by Morlock (user info) at 2005-04-21 17:08:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by mbstateside (View user info) at 2005-04-21 16:41:02
For the Americans in England we take GCSE exams at 16 if you get decent grades and of course if you want to you go on to then do A' levels for two years and then onto University. When doing A' levels your generally supposed to be a bit more mature and you'll often have free periods for this reason most schools/college's will have what's called a common room. It's basically just a place to chill / hang out / hide while your supposed to be studying. Ours was on the first floor with big bay windows
============================================================================================
We know that, we've seen Harry Potter.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-21 17:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You just typed all of THAT?
+1 for stamina. That's about it, because I sure as fuck ain't reading all THAT.
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2005-04-21 16:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am 19 years old, sophomore in college, and have rented a house off campus with three other
girls. My bedroom is upstairs. We are downstairs christening the house as it were,
with vast quantities of cheap beer and pot, and playing all kinds of music on the stereo.
AC/DC comes to mind and I realize I have a tape or two upstairs in my bedroom, so I run
upstairs screaming something about how I have the perfect music for the evening. Once i
have the tape in hand, I turn and run back downstairs screaming, "I got the tape! I got
the tape!" A quarter of the way down the stairs I decide to leap from about halfway and land
standing in the middle of the living room with the tape held triumphantly above my head.
Never mind the doorjamb between myself and said living room.
Result:
I leap, catch the top of the doorjam right on across my hairline and I drop like a rock.
I only know this from what I have been told. All I know is that I lept, and then the next
thing I knew, I was sitting on the bottom step of the stairs with a small trickle of blood
running down past my right eye......and all my 'friends' in the living room were in
sheer hysteria.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-04-21 16:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Monkey, words cannot express it. It's just somthing you have to experience for yourself.
Just ask Sassmaster he seams to know what he's talking about in this department. Although I have a feeling he and I have in mind to completely different things
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-04-21 16:50:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's OK. It's still an SPT+2.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-04-21 16:49:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and by "both kinds" i mean in a bisexual way
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-04-21 16:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i've had some of both kinds.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-04-21 16:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"when you feel like a total bad ass pirate"
I don't know what it feels like to be an ass pirate, never mind a bad one. Enlighten me?
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-04-21 16:43:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck I didn't realise this was so long. Sorry.
It also looks like the attachment didn't work and I can't be arsed to repost. You've probably seen it before anyway