Mouth Breather (1156 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.82 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MrCoffee (View user info) at 2005-04-21 21:23:21 EDT
I recently moved into an old 2 storey house with 2 mates of mine.
One of the guys is my best mate, and the other is a guy who I've known a while & get along with just fine. He's a top bloke, We'll call him John.
John hails from a town called Lithgow, which for all you non-Aussies, is a town nestled in the far side of the Blue Mountains ins NSW, and about 200Km drive west of the Sydney coast. Now Lithgow isn't known for its universities or its high mensa member rate... that's because there aren't any of either. Its basically a town that serves as a stop point for people travelling west. It has a top rate Macca's & KFC, and that's about all most people see of Lithgow.
Anyway, John came to his senses many years ago when he turned 17, thought to himself: " if I don't get out of here now, I'll go insane"
So he packed up, moved to Sydney and became a qualified Steel Roofer.
About a week after we moved in to the house, john said: "Hey would either of you blokes mind if my mate Pete came up from Lithgow and lived here? he wants a job as a grunt working with me but hasn't got anywhere to stay."
My mate and I looked at each other & shrugged a "yeah why not" at each other, we had a spare bedroom & one extra person meant less rent for everyone else, and besides; john was a good bloke, birds of a feather right?
Yeah.... Pretty much.
Enter Pete.
Nice enough bloke, despite having pulled every short straw ever presented to him...ever.
Fat?
Check.
Red hair?
Check
Slightly balding at the age of 22?
Check
Head like a smashed Crab?
Check
Stupider than mentally retarded sack of house-bricks?
No.
Dumber.
Stupider than a field of lobotomized cows who've just been fed stupid pills?
Close.
M-O-O-N, That spells Peter, Laws yes.
To put it nicely, the guy is really really thick. he's nice enough, but Fuck me dead is he slow.
a few weeks ago, we were watching "the Patriot" and he got lost. He asked " so why is that guy shooting the army blokes?"
uhmm, because they JUST KIDNAPPED ONE SON, KILLED HIS OTHER SON, STOLE HIS SLAVES AND BURNT HIS HOUSE! Right in front of your eyes? Less than 5 minutes ago?
Then later on during the move I could hear heavy breathing & wondered if he'd fallen asleep. I looked across to see a glassy-eyed Pete;
Breathing through his mouth, in out in out. No quiet nose-muffled breathing, it was vacant stare and parted lips the whole way.
It was then that it dawned.
This guy is a genuine, honest-to-shit Mouth-Breather.
HOLY SHIT. I thought it was just a clever maddoxism, I didn't think anyone could actually really BE a mouth breather.
yet sure enough, over the last few weeks I've been watching him, and sure enough. 9 out of 10 breaths are through the mouth
Some friends came over recently and when making a snide remark about the filth in the kitchen a mate of mine said " heh, so I guess all the girls have just left then you blokes?"
We laughed
Pete looked confused said "HUH? what girls?
Over the teeth, over the tongue, LOOKOUT LUNGS, HERE IT COMES.
User Reviews
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2005-04-23 10:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll admit it, I'm a mouthbreather AND a snorer.
Kinda in part to me being asthmatic, having fucked up sinuses and being overweight.
Ain't I just a girls dream catch?
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-22 16:28:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Then again,anyone that lives in Lithgow? jesus christ man ,its the arshole of australia.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-04-22 16:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shit, forgot your SK auto +2, sorry.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-04-22 16:16:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hey, I have fucked up sinuses that severely limit the amount of air that can move through my nose so I have to breath through my mouth (unless I want to pass out).
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2005-04-22 16:15:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2005-04-22 16:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
M-O-O-N, That spells Peter, Laws yes.
The Stand = auto +2
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-04-22 16:04:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was too Australian for me.
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-22 16:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
and this is why I don't have roomates!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-22 15:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
John Lithgow, heh.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-22 11:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor guy. You should fit him with an anti-bark collar and give him a shock every time he says something stupid. Maybe he'll learn.
Submitted by Josephine (user info) at 2005-04-22 10:57:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
M-O-O-N, That spells Peter, Laws yes.
---
Greatest reference ever!
Don't be so hard on mouth breathers; some are asthmatics.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-04-22 10:08:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this deserves a higher rating, mate.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-04-22 09:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ok
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-04-22 09:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I leave my home, I leave for a couple weeks
I leave my home, I leave it in the care of a friend
Don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy, I like him just fine
But he's a mouth breather
Don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy, I like him just fine
But he's a mouth breather
I expect when I return, I return to some sort of order
Such is not the case, no, such is not the case
I leave my home, I leave for a couple weeks
I leave my home, I leave it in the care of a friend
Don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy, I like him just fine
But he is a mouth breather
I leave my home, I leave for a couple weeks
I leave my home, I leave it in the care of a friend
And in my basement, I found rainin' piss
And in my kitchen, I found my friend deceased
--The Jesus Lizard
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-22 09:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
meh
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-04-22 08:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I rather enjoyed this, but I hope your not mean to the poor bastard.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-04-22 02:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked this!
But then again I like my green and brown Australia baseball cap.
Yeah, the one with the "roo" on the left, and the emu on the right of some crest or
something.
Stupid emus
go figure.......
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-04-21 23:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm sorry...is this some Aussie humor I'm missing. I don't get it.
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2005-04-21 21:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile.. I've lived with people like that and I feel your pain.