Bathroom Etiquette (3402 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.42 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <drink_ddt.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2003-04-17 07:03:33 EDT
Today while I was wandering around the building I work in trying to look busy, I stopped at the mens room to take a leak. So I'm standing at the urinal right, and this guy comes in and starts talking to me. He must've thought I was in a terrible mood when I didn't answer. But my mood was fine. I was simply obeying one of the cardinal rules of Bathroom Etiquette. Every real man should know these rules by heart, but apparently we need a review. Thank god I'm here.
RULE #1, Provide Adequate Space Between Pissers
Do everything within your power not to choose the urinal right next to someone elses urinal. ESPECIALLY when there are other urinals available. If I am at the far left urinal, you should automatically know to move to the far right urinal. If you go directly to the closest urinal to me, I will assume you're trying to sneak a peak. This violates my personal space. Taking a piss is a sacred act, and we all deserve our own personal space when doing so.
RULE #2, Use Noise Discipline
In short, NO TALKING. Not even about sports, chicks, or violence. Just be patient and hit me up later if you have such important shit to mention. One of the worst possible scenarios is when someone starts pissing at the urinal right next to you, THEN turns to you and starts yapping. In this situation, all I would hear anyway is "I AM GAY. LETS BE GAY TOGETHER." And it ruins my concentration. I don't call you up at home when your dick's in your hand and try to discuss the balanced budget ammendment. So don't talk to me when I'm trying to piss. The only acceptable noises in the mens room are loud, reverberating farts. Cause those are funny.
RULE #3, Don't be a Nasty Mofo
Even if you're nasty, don't advertise. When I'm in the bathroom, at least pretend you have some sense of personal hygene about you. When you finish up, at least pretend to wash your hands. If I hear a flush and you step out of the stall and head straight for the door, I'm never high fiving you again. Not even if the Blues win the Stanley Cup. Don't spread diseases you nasty faulker.
RULE #4, Never Look in the Mirror for Longer than 5 Seconds
Plain and simple. If you violate this rule, you're either a pretty boy or a girl. Your hair looks fine, your pimples didn't go away over night, and you still need to floss. One glance to confirm, and vacate the premeses. You're probably in my way, because I want to wash my hands.
RULE #5, Control Your Disgusting Odors
If you go to the shitter and see I'm at the urinal, be polite. As soon as your firstborn child is dropped into the pool, give a courtesy flush. Please! This will eliminate half the smell, because as we all know the early turd smells the worst. If you know you had pickled cabbage for lunch, act accordingly and flush often. I promise, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO LIKES THE SMELL OF YOUR OWN SHIT.
OK So these are some basic mens room rules to follow. None of these apply if you're completely drunk. Then pissing on someones leg isn't even a big deal. But at work, know the rules, and live by them. I'm only going to ask once.
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drink_ddt
User Reviews
Submitted by Partholon (user info) at 2003-04-17 16:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A deeper question might be, "Why are we so uptight about pissing, shitting, and our genitals?"
My beagles don't care at all who sees them do their business, and seem to enjoy sniffing and being sniffed by other dogs in what we would consider "private" areas. Yet, they seem perfectly content in life.
I think we humans make life far too complicated for ourselves.
Submitted by jjgoreha (user info) at 2003-04-17 16:39:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't understand urinals. Why aren't they more... private? Is there anything that could be done to make it less..... exposed? fuck, I don't even know what I'm trying to get at here.
Submitted by tpx187 (user info) at 2003-04-17 10:25:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To be said while pissed to another man:
Guy A)Wanna hear a joke?
Guy B) Sure!
Guy A) Why are you looking at me the jokes in you hand!
I actually said this to a guy in the pisser. Yes I know the rules, but I was fuckin hammered.
Bobbs
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-04-17 10:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=10500822759946680
It's like deja vous all over again.
Submitted by Partholon (user info) at 2003-04-17 09:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I guess I've never understood why guys get so uncomfortable in men's rooms. I guess that's because the only toilets that I ever seem to use are ones that extremely busy, so that the sheer volume of people negates pretty much all of these rules, and ones that are either private or deserted, so that I'm generally the only one in there.
I work for a girl-oriented organization, and I am the only man on my floor. Therefore, the men's room has become sort of my own private office. I take my breaks there, I read, snack, shave and brush my teeth, and make private calls on my cell phone from there. I have contemplated putting down carpeting and bringing in a TV. Most days, from 9 to 5, I am the only living soul to enter that room. Since it is so unused, it has none of the disgusting odors that most restrooms accumulate. There is only the light comfort of Glade and maybe a slight redolence of chlorine.
Only occasionally is my little sanctum violated. Sometimes, the mailboy will use it, since our floor is the end of his route. That's OK, I guess, but he has the annoying habit of draping streams of toilet paper over the corner of the bathroom stall. There is a bout an inch between the wall and the stall door, and I suppose that if someone wanted to, he could look peek in through that gap. However, nobody ever comes in there during the day, except me, and believe me this guy is NOT my type. What kind of arrogance or insecurity must one have to do this? And, of course, he never takes the toilet paper DOWN when he leaves, which means I have to do it.
The only other problem is that sometimes, at the end of the day, this nasty little troll of a man from the photocopy office comes up to jerk off in MY bathroom. I guess he reasons that it's very private. Damn right it's private! Private to ME! I feel violated every time I go in and see his shoes under the partition. I hope the cleaning staff uses very strong disinfectants.
On the other hand, if this guy should ever piss me off, I have some serious blackmail ammunition!
Submitted by Paul <giafa_of.at.yahoo.com> at 2003-04-17 08:48:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit this should be posted in bathrooms around the world.
Right on. :)
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-04-17 08:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was funny.
One time I was taking a shit and reading a magazine, so I wasn't holding my dick down into the bowl. Next thing you know the piss starts coming out, but it missed the bowl and doused my suit pants. And I wasn't drunk. Not exactly the best day.
On a side note, I seem to be the only one in my office building that courtesy flushes.
Submitted by Otter (user info) at 2003-04-17 07:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck DDT, you're a rude, nasty motorscooter, but you do write some funny, allbeit, crude, stuff.