Mrs. Claus goes down. (1192 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 1.77 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Santa Claus (View user info) at 2005-04-22 04:42:49 EDT
I woke up next to my ugly wife this morning, and I was shocked to see that she had gotten uglier overnight. Mrs. Claus generates some kind of force field, what I like to call a Nega-Boner. Don't try to use that kids, I've copyrighted it. I slipped quietly out of bed so as to not wake the old bitch. If woke up, I was prepared to give her a good slap to show her who's boss. Me.
I went down to the toy shop. Elves were already working. I have no fucking idea how they manage to stay up for weeks at a time. I know nobody's dipped into my stash, and I'm the only person in the North Pole with any powder, so that can't be it. Must be that shitty Elf magic. It's not good for shit except making toys and being happy.
I winked at Mendia, my Elf secretary. She sure knew how to use her tongue, and how to hide behind the desk when someone barges into my office. "I want to see you in my office later, Mendia." She nodded. "Also, nobody is to see me until then. She nodded again. I walked into my office.
There were computer diagrams pinned up all over the walls. We need to steal hundreds of diagrams of the components of consoles every year if we want to keep up with those Japs. I'm sure they know someone is stealing shit from the headquarters, but Nintendo thinks that Sony is doing and Sony thinks Microsoft is doing it and Microsoft suspects Nintendo.
I heard Mrs. Claus yelling at some poor Elf upstairs. I got real sad. I hope that bitch didn't barge in here like she usually does, because lately I've been thinking of using that nice gun I lifted off of some darky in the Bronx a few years ago. I shit on his floor. That's usually what darkys get, anyhow. It's not like I'd get in trouble for killing her, what with me being the King of Christmas and all. I have governmental immunity.
Oh, Christ, here she comes. "Get out of my way, Mendia, I know you've been fucking my husband, and I won't have any of it! GET OUT OF MY WAY!" I knew Mendia would move. Mrs. Claus was one fat bitch, and she intimidated all the Elves. Hell, she intimidated ME. I was tired of her. Even with all the slaps and punches and cigarette burns, she still didn't know to shut up and say "yes, dear" when she was supposed to. I slid open the drawer, and took out the drawer. I pulled out the clip. It was loaded. I took a deep breath, and got ready. I had killed before, but never in a setting like this.
The door flew open. There she stood, in all her 400-pound glory. "What is this?!" she cried, tossing the package on my desk. Christ, she found the coke. "I can't wait to see your ass in a Colombian jail for importing this shit! Get ready, because after I make that phone call-"I raised the pistol.
"N-Now honey, we don't need, uh, guns..." her voice trailed off. I spoke: "I think it's time we had a divorce... 'honey.'" I pulled the trigger. The bullet went in, but it didn't come out. It looked like I hit her heart. As I leaned in to see if she was breathing, she grabbed me. "Holy fuck!" I screamed, and then I started bashing her head into the ground. I kept doing it until a couple of Elves pulled me off of her. I pulled my shit together.
"Get her the fuck out of here! And someone scrub the blood off this floor, fifty Chinamen died putting the flooring down here! Christ." I strode off. Now, I was free. Now, I could fuck anyone I wanted without having to sneak around. And now, people knew I meant business. "Mr. Claus?" said a tentative voice behind me. I turned. A small Elf was holding a revolver up to me. "She was packing, sir." I felt dizzy. "Fuckshit." I mumbled.
"Sir?" said the Elf. "What's your name, little guy?" "Zaxlor, sir." Christ, Elves had stupid names. "Well, Zaxlor, guess what? You're in charge of security around me now. I want you to organize a dozen Elves whose sole purpose is to guard me and watch for people like Mrs. Claus." The little guy swelled up with pride. "Now get out of here." He scampered off.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. What was I gonna do? The coke. I got up to go hide it again. Maybe later I'd call Mendia into the bedroom and fuck on the spot where Mrs. Claus slept. Yeah, that'd be a good idea.
User Reviews
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-22 06:38:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Infiedelty is a bitch
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-04-23 01:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-22 04:54:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-04-22 20:47:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ho, ho, ho! I'm just good ol' Santa! I'm not an imposter!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-04-22 19:20:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this isn't me adam, my santa claus was user 14000.
this joker must have read my reviews yesterday and signed this up. no way it was coincidence.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-22 19:09:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know who you are.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-22 17:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
AN ELF SECRETAry...them pointy-eared bitches is hot!
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-04-22 16:20:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This wasn't that good...
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-04-22 16:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-04-22 15:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-04-22 08:42:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS WAS FUCKING AWESOME!
Who wrote this ??
COME ON... FESS UP YOU BASTARDS, WHO ??
I gotta know....
Submitted by Heathers (user info) at 2005-04-22 15:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Santa has been very naughty this year.
Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-04-22 15:35:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-04-22 08:42:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS WAS FUCKING AWESOME!
Who wrote this ??
COME ON... FESS UP YOU BASTARDS, WHO ??
I gotta know....
------
Santa never tells his secrets, little boy!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-04-22 12:31:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I slid open the drawer, and took out the drawer."
Not even that could screw with this post's level of awesomeness.
Hey! Let's do that 2,000-pound man thing. I'll be that Carl Reiner guy, and you be what's-his-face.
-- Homer Simpson
Homer vs. Patty and Selma
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-22 11:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ADI2U: I thought Durel was Carol. I still think you're MJ. That's not a criticism at all - he's one of the best alters on the site.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-04-22 11:05:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome first post man!
Welcome!
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-22 10:55:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-22 10:36:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Potential great alter.
On a side note, Michael_Jackson = Adamdidit2u
Did I come to that conclusion first, or has someone already said that?
================================
Didn't you think I was Carol too?
I have no alters, though at times I have debated doing something like this, but that's inspired by MJ. Whoever controls him is a supervillian among men. The Martha Stewart one is a little weak, but still pretty funny.
Zakalawe said he had this, but couldn't get it verified.
It's nice to see someone with a brain take control of these.
I do expect a post about how you and the Easter bunny had a gang fight.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-22 10:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mendia is MY bitch, motherfucker.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-22 10:45:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best thing to hit this room in years. Nice job.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-22 10:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Potential great alter.
On a side note, Michael_Jackson = Adamdidit2u
Did I come to that conclusion first, or has someone already said that?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-22 10:28:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lay off the blow, Santa.
Submitted by MarthaStewart (user info) at 2005-04-22 10:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell Mrs Claus to call me when she recovers.
I have some great low carb recipies that will shrink her mirth.
Submitted by Jay_Bassman (user info) at 2005-04-22 10:03:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking AWESOME.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-22 09:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrMantis (user info) at 2005-04-22 09:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-22 08:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-04-22 08:42:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS WAS FUCKING AWESOME!
Who wrote this ??
COME ON... FESS UP YOU BASTARDS, WHO ??
I gotta know....
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-22 08:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very imaginative
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-22 07:30:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BigCore (user info) at 2005-04-22 07:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. Santa Claus finally dropped the bitch.
Submitted by jack0173 (user info) at 2005-04-22 06:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-04-22 05:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want an elf secretary. I'd settle for a midget stripper though.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-22 05:36:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This scared the shit out of me.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-04-22 05:30:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whoever signed up this alter, fuck you
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-04-22 05:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lovely
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-04-22 04:55:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not totally related, but this took me back to the 'death of santa' scene in The Hebrew Hammer. Awesome.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-22 04:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.