I was an adolescent Longinus - Tales of a Capricious Childhood (1) (1716 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Smurfs (View user info) at 2005-04-22 13:05:18 EDT
I was a strange child. Manic, bi-polar, schizophrenic, HADD... I was diagnosed with none of these. I grew up amidst the rocky seas of a turbulent marriage.
My father was an ultra-conservative strict disciplinarian US Federal Marshall who was not only out of the house, but out of the country for the majority of my first seven years on this earth. He tracked fugitives all over Europe and the United States, appearing on America's Most Wanted and a number of other law related television programs. (Examples of my father: http://www.ubersite.com/m/51334 ) I saw him enough on the hero-worship box that he was granted leave and adulation.
My mother was an Italian firebrand, between delivering papers and babysitting she found time to smack me, ground me, and not-so gently persuade me along the path of normality. 'NO MICHAEL ETHAN! You CANNOT throw the dog down the stairs to see if it bounces!' As my writing clearly shows... it worked.
As a child I was fascinated by religion, it stuck with me as I went on to teach religious education and major in Religious Studies. It started on a trip to Disney were my parents decided we would drive the 1026 or so miles to Florida. Obviously you need something to pacify the fidgety seven-year old in the back seat. Why NOT the Bible?
So I sat and read. My parents might have realized they made a mistake when we got to Orlando and I whined when they tried to make me put down the Bible to see Mickey. Mickey, whom I asked, as stood clutching his hand, ignoring my fathers waving and the camera in my mother's hands, 'Do you think God is a dick as well?'
Mickey chose not to answer.
The same question posed later to my parents caused my mother to laugh and my father to stare at me like I was the anti-Christ. I later heard them arguing, 'Marie! He called God a dick!' 'Well Tom... he's on the old testament!' 'Why is a seven-year-old reading the Bible anyway?!' 'Well, at least he seems interested in it.' 'It's unnatural.'
I finished it on the ride home. Armed with a glossary of words I didn't understand and misinterpreted parables, I was thrown into CCD, Religious Education for Long Island suburban Catholics. Taught by housewives with no theological training and high school students doing community service, it was a lot of lip service and textbook reading.
Or drawing. I found one of my old books a couple months ago. Every single saint in it had devil horns and tails. Most of them had artfully crafted gashes and lacerations as well. CCD for me was frustrating. The majority of the class held bored elementary student who had never even listened in church let alone read scripture. Every question I asked was answered by the axiom, 'You must have faith.'
Why would an all-loving god inflict all those terrible things on Job? 'You have to have faith.'
Why would he flood the world? Wouldn't people die? He killed the dragons and unicorns. 'You have to have faith.'
I was fed up with faith. I wanted something more concrete.
Then one day in class I stumbled upon blasphemy.
'Does anyone know why Jesus was put to death?' The teacher asked the class. I raised my hand politely. 'Yes Michael?'
'Because he wouldn't shut up and he was a public nuisance.'
Within thirty seconds I had been dragged by my arm down the hall and into the resident priest's office. I'll save the discussion we had for another time, but this new experience was that undermining religion elicited reactions from people... much more interesting than the boring Sunday masses espousing it.
Two weeks later I was on the front yard of my house with one of the younger kids my mother babysat for. I was trying to explain the circumstances of Gomorrah to him, without much success. Frustrated, I told him to hold on and disappeared into the house. emerging with three stuffed animals.
Finding six sticks I taped them together and stuck them in the ground, taping the stuffed animals to them. On the left was a fuzzy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Michelangelo to ask for forgiveness. A stuffed monkey was on the right, the accuser. In between them was a humanoid pink bunny with a polka-dot bowtie. Mr. Hoppy, an Easter present from three years ago.
As I'm explaining to him about the crucifixion and how could Jesus NOT rethink the whole process, and what kind of life would it be knowing you were going to die at thirty-three, one of my neighbors walked by and gave me a strange look. I'm sure that it was odd, a boy preaching to another in front of three two-foot crucifixes supporting stuffed animals... I'll admit it's not an everyday occurrence.
Then she had the audacity to come over and ask what I was doing. Her skepticism quickly turned to shock and she hurried inside, I assumed to speak to my mother. It's around this point in the story where I feel I deviate from the norm.
Instead of hurriedly pulling the display down, I ran into the garage and grabbed the lighter fluid for the charcoal and my father's book of matches from where he hid his cigarettes from my mother. He had recently shown me the fun you can have while BBQing and I liberally doused my monkey, Michelangelo, and Mr. Hoppy.
Stepping back I lit a match and tossed it at Mr. Hoppy.
Who knew that fuzz could burn so fast? Within seconds there was a conflagration gaily going on my front yard. Before my eyes fuzz turned black and the eyes of my ninja turtle dripped to the ground as flaming bits of plastic. I stood in awe as my mother came screaming out of the house.
She grabbed the hose, dousing the flaming effigies. Behind her, our neighbor stood with her hands on her hips and my mother's gaze was franticly jumping back and forth from the disfigured skeletal remains still erect on in our front yard to me. I was only staring at her, wondering how badly I was about to be beaten.
Finally she shook her head, 'What was that about,' she asked.
I shrugged, tears collecting in my eyes, 'I was trying to show Jamie the crucifixion!'
She smothered a laugh (I only learned that a couple of years ago.) 'And where in the bible do Jesus and the thieves get set on fire?'
'Ummm... God's holy light?'
'That's it mister. I'm taking your bible away from you.'
'MOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!' I whined, in the first documented case of a child protesting his Bible being removed from his possession.
'That's it.' She turned and walked back into the house and I knew up to my room to take it from my desk.
Two days later I made a fifty-two year old friend when at the age of nine I walked into the bookstore across from the library and picked up a new copy of the bible. Her name was Judy and she was going to have an interesting influence on me. I still remember her greeting, 'Hey there and welcome to Christian Books! May you accept Jesus as your lord and savior!'
User Reviews
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-02 05:21:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-05-01 18:25:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, I wish I could write like you..
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-27 08:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got in trouble in CCD too, but it was more for being an ass then asking tough questions, and giving intellegent answers.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-04-24 01:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Start your own religion. And in it you make fun of and discredit all of the members of that religion, including yourself.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-04-23 22:25:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have threatened to read books on Norse religion if you didn't get your Bible back.
Submitted by SoullessSaviour (user info) at 2005-04-23 22:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am so turned on right now...
Submitted by rdn4 (user info) at 2005-04-23 21:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a cool motherfucker.
Intelligence and humor, way to go!
Submitted by Nips_Mc_G (user info) at 2005-04-23 21:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Because he wouldn't shut up and he was a public nuisance.'
Blasphemy, and I love it.
Submitted by kaysee (user info) at 2005-04-22 17:29:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh. My. God.
That is way more extreme than anything related to religion that I did as a child.
I love it
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2005-04-22 14:50:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fascinating.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-04-22 14:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gtz (user info) at 2005-04-22 14:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-04-22 13:54:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You scare me ... more than words could describe.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-22 13:47:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Cruxificion? Good...one cross each, down the hall and to the left..."
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-04-22 13:35:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-04-22 13:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nie work
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-04-22 13:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderfully worrying.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-22 13:17:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Finding six sticks I taped them together and stuck them in the ground, taping the stuffed animals to them. On the left was a fuzzy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Michelangelo to ask for forgiveness. A stuffed monkey was on the right, the accuser. In between them was a humanoid pink bunny with a polka-dot bowtie. Mr. Hoppy, an Easter present from three years ago.
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that creates quite a mental image...
hahahaha
Submitted by Josephine (user info) at 2005-04-22 13:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You were [are] one messed up child.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-22 13:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAAAAA!
Good story.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-22 13:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment