Who the hell keeps buying these bullshit cards? (38109 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: B@W
Rating: 1.75 on 73 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (View user info) at 2005-04-22 21:13:01 EDT
I was at work today, and some woman who use to work there has had a baby boy last week or something.
She left before I got there, so I didn't really give a crap (and it would have to be a really good friend of mine before I do anyway), but apparntly she was quite popular in her time and so the people who did know her passed around her card.
I caught sight of the card as it passed over desks. It said on the front:
"You've had a baby BOY"
No shit. I'm sure she'll really appreciate that, just in case she didn't think to confirm what the doctors had told her. Sitting there in bed, she can breath a sigh of relief in the knowledge that she did indeed have a baby boy.
Well not a baby boy, but a baby BOY. Lucky they put it in caps as big as possibly on the card, otherwise she might forget all too easy. And we wouldn't want the sprog to get a cold pecker when she keeps whipping it out to check what sex her child is.
God bless the people who make those cards. They provide a service that far exceeds the £2 value they place on it.
I'd prefer we got her one that said something like:
"Did you know statistically there is a strong chance you have the wrong baby?"
At least then it would keep the bitch guessing. Instead of spoon-feeding her some shit she already knows.
Who decides where we draw the line?
"You've had a RETARD"
"Congratulations on the overdue birth of you're incredibly oversized baby that hurt like shit when giving birth to it"
"You're figure's fucked forever more"
It's not just baby cards either. On my 18th birthday I remember getting a card from some Aunty I apparantly have. No present though, so I didn't remember her name. It said something like:
"You're 18!" You're shitting me? I just thought people were joking all my life. "Now you can drink."
And that was it. No punchline inside the card or anything. She might as well have saved her money and sent a post-it note, or a fact sheet summarising the law regarding the purchase and consumption of alcohol.
Stupid bitch. Bet she's fat and lonely.
If I'm going to get a card with information and not jokes, I'd rather it was both something interesting and something that I didn't already know.
Or even better, over the years just not get any card and just have everyone save a few pound each birthday, christmas, etc and then when I reach 35 just give me all the money that was saved.
I got a card off my nan with a seagull on it. And as for someone who is scared of animals that fly, I fucking loved that card compared to one spoon feeding me information that I'm already shitting out.
I've created a leaflet that I'm just going to hand out to people when they have kids. It's attached in case any of you agree.
User Reviews
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-07-27 11:29:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i don't believe in gifts or cards.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-31 23:02:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Congratulations on the overdue birth of you're incredibly oversized baby that hurt like shit when giving birth to it"
"You're figure's fucked forever more"
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I got that card in triplicate
Submitted by silent1 (user info) at 2006-03-31 21:51:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was funny but this comment made it absolute gold!
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Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:04:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Something not remotely witty but slightly more amusing than your average broken aardvark. Of course this doesn't involve aardvarks in the stand up comedy business who are probably an awful lot wittier than this comment.
Not that I have anything against the aardvark community of course. Far be it from me to berate the little fellows, not that I am trying in anyway to condescend to arrdvarks or any other mildly unusual mammal for that matter.
Just pointing out that this comment hopefully holds more wit than a broken quadroped is all.
Forget I mentioned it.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-21 01:24:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-09 09:23:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2005-05-17 04:23:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
That baby looks like a potato.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-09 09:23:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2005-05-17 04:23:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
That baby looks like a potato.
Submitted by alfakyle (user info) at 2005-07-04 13:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.yahoo.americangreetings.com/view.pd?i=151301580&m=1684&source=yahoo999
Submitted by bizzy (user info) at 2005-07-04 12:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If it wasn't for this line, it'd be a worth reading:
"Stupid bitch. Bet she's fat and lonely."
Congrats on B@W
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-06-20 01:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is DEFINITELY B@W worthy. There's way worse stuff on there.
Submitted by tehgareh (user info) at 2005-05-26 00:02:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2005-05-17 04:23:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That baby looks like a potato.
Submitted by pushedbyboredom (user info) at 2005-05-05 00:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Definately funny but not as funny as most of the B@W stuff. Congrats anyways.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-05-04 09:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess I'm a dissenting opinion. I thought this was simply a solid "worth reading".
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-04-27 04:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cor Blimey mate! The people love you. There will be a fan site dedicated to you soon! Good work buddy
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-04-27 04:14:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-26 22:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bored at Work...nice!
This is fucking gold.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-04-26 19:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't mind this post at all.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-04-26 18:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're on BORED AT WORK. Congrats. This is hysterical.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:22:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny, but B@W?
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-04-26 13:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I couldn't agree more... I hate receiving cards, they are good for nothing!
Congrats on B@W
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:37:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let me enlighten you...
This whole card thing is a conspiracy... I tried to stay out of it, but because I'm a girl, I was taken into boot camp, tought that all holidays deserve a card, including natural things like birth (would you give someone a card for taking a shit? I wouldn't) but I digress...
I bet I'll feel different one day, but when I got married I got tons of cards, which I had to answer with cards, and it pissed me off that I had to say thank you to a card I never asked for in the first place with another card...
Who is killing our forests now! Down with women and their cards damn it!
Submitted by lordhamlett (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-26 11:01:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Only joking, though I bet you really hate emoticons- have one of them too :)
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No I don't.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
cute
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-04-26 11:02:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehehe - start a site, with ecards that you'd actually love to send.
I'll start you off "Yeah, the sex is good, but you bore me senseless. Can we just be fuck buddies?"
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-26 11:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lordhamlett (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:46:22 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for the wrong forms of "your".
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Your a dirty animal.
your upsetting me greatly with your inherant nazism.
your licking my balls harder than anyone ever has before.
You like that bitch? Huh? You like my incorrect puntuation? Have some more
Your a cum guzzling granny shagger
Your a dirty dick stained undergarment
Your an ass eating clown grabber
Only joking, though I bet you really hate emoticons- have one of them too :)
And one final sentence completey mis-spelled and mispunctuated... go scru urself ,u ass ole?.
(Not really)
Submitted by lordhamlett (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for the wrong forms of "your".
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:24:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:07:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ta-daa!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:06:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something not remotely witty but slightly more amusing than your average broken aardvark. Of course this doesn't involve aardvarks in the stand up comedy business who are probably an awful lot wittier than this comment.
Not that I have anything against the aardvark community of course. Far be it from me to berate the little fellows, not that I am trying in anyway to condescend to arrdvarks or any other mildly unusual mammal for that matter.
Just pointing out that this comment hopefully holds more wit than a broken quadroped is all.
Forget I mentioned it.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-26 09:57:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something almost as witty as the second comment but maybe slightly more witty than the third.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-26 09:56:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something witty mark2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-26 09:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something witty
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-26 09:55:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks like I have to say something witty with each attempt or it ignores my no comments and lets the float around in the ether unaffecting of your post.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-26 09:54:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is like the tenth time I've responded with a plus2 but they aren't appearing???
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-26 09:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-26 09:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit. I must have hit the roller. I'm really sorry I minus2'd this. At least the attention I got you hopefully got it onto bored@work... have some more plus2's. God damn it.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-04-26 09:44:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
funny, but not B@W funny.
way to soil, bart.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-26 06:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-04-26 06:03:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-26 04:43:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess you don't have to review this anymore, Mr. B@W.
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But who ever stops talking about their first time?
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Me, but thats because it was with my friend's father.
When I was 6.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-26 06:14:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-26 06:05:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff and congrats on B@W
wolf - why did you -2 this?!
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-04-26 06:03:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-26 04:43:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess you don't have to review this anymore, Mr. B@W.
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But who ever stops talking about their first time?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-26 04:43:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess you don't have to review this anymore, Mr. B@W.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-26 04:05:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-04-25 13:54:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Squijee (user info) at 2005-04-25 12:05:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
How Squijee has rated other users
w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) 10 on 5 = 2.00
You're winning.
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Thanks muchly.
I should stop rating my own stuff to reply to people. It's getting to be arrogant
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Yeah but that's the fun of it. Check through my profile, you'll find I've replied to almost every single review ever, usually with hilarious consequences as they say in the movies.
If it gets you hits review it to bits, that's my motto
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-04-25 13:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Squijee (user info) at 2005-04-25 12:05:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
How Squijee has rated other users
w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) 10 on 5 = 2.00
You're winning.
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Thanks muchly.
I should stop rating my own stuff to reply to people. It's getting to be arrogant
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-04-25 12:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I eat babies.
Submitted by Squijee (user info) at 2005-04-25 12:05:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How Squijee has rated other users
w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) 10 on 5 = 2.00
You're winning.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-04-25 12:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-25 10:39:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-04-23 11:34:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-23 08:05:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Everytime I see your name at the top of a post, I go "ahh I remember that guy, but I can't remember what for", then I read the post and realise its because you're a fucking riot.
Well done, if there was a best-newcomer award it should have gone to you about a month ago.
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You're a beautiful man
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And you know what else? Get back on the MRR where you belong ye scurvy post!
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You get more beautiful by the second.
If I were gay...actually let's not down that route. You're swell
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-25 10:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-25 10:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-25 10:48:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Congratulations on the overdue birth of you're incredibly oversized baby that hurt like shit when giving birth to it"
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I wish that someone would have gotten me a card like that. That is love right there.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-25 10:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-04-23 11:34:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-23 08:05:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Everytime I see your name at the top of a post, I go "ahh I remember that guy, but I can't remember what for", then I read the post and realise its because you're a fucking riot.
Well done, if there was a best-newcomer award it should have gone to you about a month ago.
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You're a beautiful man
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And you know what else? Get back on the MRR where you belong ye scurvy post!
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-04-23 23:42:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zxcvvcxz (user info) at 2005-04-23 23:28:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wholly agree that greeting cards are shit. HOWEVER, that fact opens the door to a fun possibility which I use frequently. For example, if someone has a baby, give them a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRANDSON!" gift card. If it's their birthday, hit them up with a "I'M SORRY YOUR DOG GOT RAN OVER BY A TRACTOR" card. The goal is to find the most obscure card for the event most unrelated to the one being celebrated.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-04-23 20:15:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As if by magic (I don't believe in coincidence) someone who I see down the bar I go to has now knocked up his wife/girlfriend/daughter (wasn't paying much attention).
It's going to take an awful lot of will power not to print this off and send it anonomously (he buys rounds often)
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-23 18:11:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha!
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2005-04-23 11:52:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that post it note line killed me
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-04-23 11:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-23 08:05:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Everytime I see your name at the top of a post, I go "ahh I remember that guy, but I can't remember what for", then I read the post and realise its because you're a fucking riot.
Well done, if there was a best-newcomer award it should have gone to you about a month ago.
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You're a beautiful man
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-04-23 08:14:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Babies are evil. Some are cute, but don't you hate it when you turn and see a horrifyingly ugly baby and all you can say is, 'GAH!'and then you have to cover it up by saying something like, 'Gah! I just stepped in shit...'
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-23 08:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everytime I see your name at the top of a post, I go "ahh I remember that guy, but I can't remember what for", then I read the post and realise its because you're a fucking riot.
Well done, if there was a best-newcomer award it should have gone to you about a month ago.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-04-23 07:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-04-23 05:37:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a little shop in Whistler that sells cards like this. It's awesome. Also, in addition to the card thing, I was wondering if you're serious about being afraid of animals that fly, because despite my handle, I am too.
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Can't stand them. Probably why I like penguins so much.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-04-23 05:37:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a little shop in Whistler that sells cards like this. It's awesome. Also, in addition to the card thing, I was wondering if you're serious about being afraid of animals that fly, because despite my handle, I am too.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-04-23 05:18:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by dwr_budr (user info) at 2005-04-23 05:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome.
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2005-04-23 00:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-23 00:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh heh. This reminds me of a headline on the Daily Show. Jon Stewart was going on about the media frenzy that surrounded Julia Roberts immediately following the birth of her twins. As he was talking about it, a picture came up behind him with the caption, 'HUMAN BABIES BORN!!' I love that show.
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2005-04-23 00:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-04-22 23:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent rant, and I too hate it when people bring their squealing offspring in to work.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-04-22 23:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Paaaahahahahhahaha! What a great idea - anti-greeing cards.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-22 22:59:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Writing "I'm sick of these bullshit fill-in-the-blanks" rants is a risky procedure, and you nailed it. Very funny, waitthataintyoursisterthatsronaldmcdonald.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-22 21:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YEah - 'bout time someone said it!
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-04-22 21:39:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Every time I refuse to sign one of thise stupid cards someone puts my name on it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-22 21:22:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny and accurate...but I gotta go out and have some wings and some drinks.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-04-22 21:17:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus
Fucking
Two