Otter Madness (446 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ILL34GL3 (View user info) at 2005-04-23 02:43:56 EDT
I was taking a shit in the downstairs bathroom when the madness started.
As the second turd hung triumphantly to my ass hairs, I read the Rolling Stone that featured articles about Hunter S. Thompson. Apparently, a fiend had entered my apartment while I leafed through the magazine, and goddamn it, I kept shaking my body, but the turd was holding on for dear life. So I ripped all the hair off my asshole to get rid of that pesky shit. I felt manly afterward.
Anyway, I heard movement in the kitchen; someone started eating my goddamn hot chips and armadillo patties. I could hear them smacking on my food. Son of a bitch. Fucking homeless people.
But I was in for a surprise. I opened the bathroom door. Shit, forgot to flush.
OK, flushed the toilet, everything's fine.
I walked into the kitchen to stop my hungry villain. Jesus fucking goddamn Christ, I never expected an otter to visit me. The bastard had snuck in. I don't understand. I had this great otter detector outside, but the fucking thing didn't work. Goddamn info commercials.
From what I had heard, otters don't like to be interrupted during snack time. This otter proved the rumors true. He proceeded to tell me about some Utopian community he was putting together in New York, and it made me sick. That demented wetback attempted to break me with innocuous religious blathering.
When he talked about sharing sexual partners as young as 10 years old, I had enough of his stupid proselytizing techniques, and I asked him to fuck himself.
He smiled and grabbed a pickle from the fridge. That son of a bitchass better not stick that in his ass, I thought. He did, and he tried pushing it into my mouth, but I kicked him in the perineum and told him to torture the kittens on the sidewalk.
Well, he informed me that kitten-torturing season would begin in a month and a half, and I realized my mistake in suggesting the endeavor. Yet I'm sure you can sympathize: I just don't like otters barging in while I'm on the throne.
There was one shot left. I remembered seeing on the Discovery Channel that sometimes if you can find the right snail, an otter will believe it's a princess from Ethiopia who gives good head. Otters have jungle fever. I guess if you are racist, you would call them nigger lovers.
But the fact remained: the town nurse plugs all the best snails in her pussy when she touches herself on the Shabbes. That Hasidic bitch.
Ha, something came to me. Maybe if I beat the otter with some cardboard, he'll go away for good. I know if I was an otter, and I saw some 20-year-old from the grunge period wielding cardboard dildos, I would probably curse my earliest weasel ancestors and jump in a fucking pond or something.
SONOFABITCHWHERETHEFUCKARETHEGODDAMNBOXES
Well, I never thought it would have come down to that. My best ideas had been futile at best. I had one last plan to rid my already filthy and disgusting kitchen (we have maggots on dishes, and we let strays eat them off the plates) of this smart alack chicken blower.
I grabbed my secret weapon from a secret compartment of the secret bookcase in the secret closet that's part of that secret room behind the rather non-secretive fireplace. I did all of this in secret. All of these facts are confidential.
The otter was still in the kitchen when I opened the door. He stood there by the microwave, jacking off giant praying manti and chanting ancient goddess worship phrasings. That irreverent bastard was mixing insect masturbation and obsolete religion. Something had to be done.
When he saw me that time, he knew it was over. His eyes stared at the naked pictures of Danny DeVito, Christopher Lloyd, and Brendan Gleeson. Haha, I had that ratfuck beat.
And then the strangest thing happened. The otter walked up to me, put his weasely hand on my shoulder (he had a gentle touch), and said, "Listen, all you had to tell me was that you were gay and a possible animal rapist. I would have left this kitchen in an instant. But I'm glad you let me know it this way. I won't bother you again, faggot."
He walked the fuck out of the kitchen and house and hasn't returned.
The most important to learn from this is that otters are probably potential homophobes.
By The True Bastard
User Reviews
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-05-04 08:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i had no right to enjoy this.
Submitted by baking_Lady (user info) at 2005-05-04 08:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This was stupid.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-04-23 23:20:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Who cares about Otter Madness? I want Uber Madness!
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-23 22:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that other guy's probably right, you probably are batshit insane, but this was fucking inspired. i give it my full approval.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-04-23 15:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Lutraphobia
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-04-23 14:53:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great, now go fist fuck Bush!
Submitted by m1rl1n (user info) at 2005-04-23 06:36:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The men with white coats and jackets with straps will be along shortly. Nice insight into a deranged mind though, and well written.
Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-04-23 06:14:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I killed an otter once.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-04-23 04:47:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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