Adventures in the ghetto (803 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: 1.71 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Santa Claus (View user info) at 2005-04-24 07:43:27 EDT
It was 1974, and I was flying over New York. It was some darky neighborhood. Most of the houses in this neighborhood were shitty little boxes that looked like the favelas that I skipped over in Sao Paulo. There were a few apartment buildings here, too, and I had a few stops to make at one of them.
I landed on the roof and walked over to the stairwell. I can summon chimneys, but that's too fucking tiring to waste on people in the Bronx. I walked down into the building. Graffiti covered the walls, and only a few lights were working. Typical.
I trudged down to the third floor. Here it was, number 142. Although summoning chimneys is tiring, opening locked doors is pretty easy, which is pretty fortunate or else there would be a lot of poor kids who wouldn't get shit because their crappy parents spent the Christmas bonus on booze so they could forget that they didn't have any money for a little while.
I went in. There the kid was, one... Jamandal Wattson. The names they gave these kids. It would have been better if they had named him Jesus Cocksucking Christ. At least then he would have had a distinctive name instead of having one that was just as shitty as every other one. He was sleeping on the ratty sofa in front of a pathetically tiny Christmas tree.
I took his present out of the sack. He had wanted a new set of clothes, and some toys. Sad. The toys he had listed cost quite a lot. Let's see what the Elves had made for him: a pair of jeans and a dozen Lincoln Logs.
I was setting them under the tree when I heard a shuffle behind me. The kid had woken up. "Santa?" he asked wonderingly. I straightened up. The boy was staring. I smiled a friendly Santa smile, and reached into my pocket for some Elfin magic powder. Throw it in the kid's face like a man with a handful of powder during a raid and they fall asleep. I used to just punch them in the face or hit them in the head with a hammer, but that never quite worked, although I enjoyed it. A lot.
Just before I could toss the shit into his face, I saw a man walk into the room. He looked like an amalgamation of every skeezy I ever knew except that he had the "asshole" factor tuned up about ten times what most dealers can get it to. He was also wearing sunglasses. At 1:00 am. "Who the fuck is you?!" he yelled. The ass rammer probably woke up the whole shitty apartment building. Although this guy brought out MY inner asshole, I decided to keep up the Nice Santa persona so maybe I wouldn't fuck up the kid for life.
"Oh ho ho ho, I'm just jolly Santa, come to bring your son his Christmas gift!" I presented the two boxes. He slapped them out of my hand. "He ain't my son, he's my ho's son, and he ain't getting shiat for Christmas because his stupid ass mom ain't pullin' enough tricks!" he looked me up and down. " 'sides, there ain't no Santa. Now tell me who the fuck you are 'fore I slice you up!" he reached into his pocked and pulled out what looked like an axe handle with a dozen razor blades taped to it.
I gave up trying to be nice. "You dumb, dumb monkey." I said. "WHAT?!" he shrieked, but I had already traveled the distance across the room. As he raised the primitive weapon, I rammed his fake gold teeth down his fucking throat, then I pounded his stomach a few times. As he fell to the ground, he sliced a gash all the way through my pants and into my leg. Jesus Christ that hurt, like nothing I had ever felt before. The gash in my leg was two feet long and went into muscle.
I fell to the ground beside him. I was still better off, and I had a few seconds to think. It was then I remembered the coke I had in my other pocket. I took out the bag, got a big handful, and rubbed the shit in the guy's eyes. After he was permanently blinded, I proceeded to pound on his face until I heard the little boy behind me. "Santa?".
I looked up. "Shut the fuck up, kid." The boy started crying, but at that point I didn't even care anymore. I hate ghetto kids anyway, and I could tell this one was a real shithead. I limped over to where the presents were. His crying slowed. I put the presents back in the gift sack and left the apartment.
User Reviews
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-22 06:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-30 19:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stick to one post a day, Fat Pants, and you'll be on Shlongy's Xmas list.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-25 13:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-24 14:14:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
I sense MJ is about to have a run for his money
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-04-25 01:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn Santa,
No carry and conceal permit?
You must have missed the memo!
Submitted by Dash (user info) at 2005-04-24 19:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-04-24 17:59:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-24 14:17:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm starting to think you aren't the real Santa. Santa isn't racist.
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c1ndy, it's not my fault that darkys live shitty lives, it's thier fault. I don't even see why we ever had affirmative action because those darkys are too lazy to get jobs anyway.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-24 14:36:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes ,never did think about santa like that,ha ha ha ha ha ,good one .
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-24 14:17:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm starting to think you aren't the real Santa. Santa isn't racist.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-24 14:14:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I sense MJ is about to have a run for his money
Submitted by Mr.Brightside (user info) at 2005-04-24 14:10:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I have heard black parents cursing and streaming obscenities in walmart right in front of their elementary school aged kids. fucking ridiculous, you hit the nail on the head.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-24 13:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 because you left out Santa's magic stun gun.
Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-04-24 11:51:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-04-24 09:58:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
The fuck is wrong with you, man?!
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It's not my fauld some slum dweller hated his stepson.
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2005-04-24 10:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-04-24 09:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The fuck is wrong with you, man?!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-04-24 08:01:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 reserved until Santa machine-guns some nuns.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-24 07:49:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just wow.